Hey Mister
Contest Entry (a bit long - but worth it!)33 total reviews
Comment from adewpearl
I love the evolution of this young man's feelings as he goes from being annoyed by the little boy to falling in love with him and identifying with him - you really get inside his mind and heart effectively. The dialogue is great between them, and I really fell in love with this persistent kid, too.
You also work in the back story smoothly. Good luck in this contest, Marijke. :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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I love the evolution of this young man's feelings as he goes from being annoyed by the little boy to falling in love with him and identifying with him - you really get inside his mind and heart effectively. The dialogue is great between them, and I really fell in love with this persistent kid, too.
You also work in the back story smoothly. Good luck in this contest, Marijke. :-) Brooke
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Hi Brooke, thank you for your lovely and empathetic review, my friend, and your good luck wishes. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from suneagle
Lovely story, Marijke. Very poignant. I don't think anyone will read it without a pang of the heart. Nicely contrived.
However, it has a few problems--primarily the paragraphing as noted below.
It's my sister's dog[,]" I say and keep walking.
"Are you dog sitting? What kind of dog is he?"
[New paragraph]
What a pain. That's all I need[:] a kid who can't take a hint.
"I like your dog, can't I just pat him? What's his name?" [New paragraph.]
This kid's not gonna let up. His parents should teach him some manners.
"I don't have a mother, she died."
[New paragraph.]
Oh, God, now what do I say?
"Nah, my dad died too."
[New Paragraph.]
His sad little face is starting to get to me, and curiosity is getting the better of me.
***Marijke you will have to check all of your paragraphing to make sure you are not mixing the different POVs--the boy's dialogue and the man's thoughts etc, or narrative applying to the different characters. I'm not going to comment on that problem again.
Since [Mummy] and [Daddy] were killed I haven't seen her.
"Didn't you have any aunts [or] uncles who could look after you?"
He smiles at me then gives Mia another pat, then turns and runs from the park.
(Rewrite:
He smiles at me, gives Mia another pat, and then turns and runs from the park.)
"What was wrong with my [dad]?
Make sure you put the lead around your wrist[,]" I warn him.
He [stands] up and wraps his arms around my shoulders.
Thank you[,]" I whisper.
Again, tears threaten to spill again.
(Note the repetition of "again"--you should delete one instance.)
"Two? What's got into you? Why two - why not one?" [She] laughs.
***
Let me know if you need any help with re-paragraphing. Remember to restrict paragraphs to one character.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Lovely story, Marijke. Very poignant. I don't think anyone will read it without a pang of the heart. Nicely contrived.
However, it has a few problems--primarily the paragraphing as noted below.
It's my sister's dog[,]" I say and keep walking.
"Are you dog sitting? What kind of dog is he?"
[New paragraph]
What a pain. That's all I need[:] a kid who can't take a hint.
"I like your dog, can't I just pat him? What's his name?" [New paragraph.]
This kid's not gonna let up. His parents should teach him some manners.
"I don't have a mother, she died."
[New paragraph.]
Oh, God, now what do I say?
"Nah, my dad died too."
[New Paragraph.]
His sad little face is starting to get to me, and curiosity is getting the better of me.
***Marijke you will have to check all of your paragraphing to make sure you are not mixing the different POVs--the boy's dialogue and the man's thoughts etc, or narrative applying to the different characters. I'm not going to comment on that problem again.
Since [Mummy] and [Daddy] were killed I haven't seen her.
"Didn't you have any aunts [or] uncles who could look after you?"
He smiles at me then gives Mia another pat, then turns and runs from the park.
(Rewrite:
He smiles at me, gives Mia another pat, and then turns and runs from the park.)
"What was wrong with my [dad]?
Make sure you put the lead around your wrist[,]" I warn him.
He [stands] up and wraps his arms around my shoulders.
Thank you[,]" I whisper.
Again, tears threaten to spill again.
(Note the repetition of "again"--you should delete one instance.)
"Two? What's got into you? Why two - why not one?" [She] laughs.
***
Let me know if you need any help with re-paragraphing. Remember to restrict paragraphs to one character.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Hi Les. You have a habit of making my heart drop a little, and then, when I read your comments and advice, I admit, you are right, of course. Yes, I think I've got it now. I have restructured the paragraphs, as suggested, and made the other corrections. Once again, I am endebted. Would you consider checking again, and perhaps re-rating, if it deserves it?
Thanks again, Les. Warmest regards, Marijke
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Think about the paragraphing a little more. Remember you can group thought and dialogue of the SAME character in one paragraph. For example, Colin may think something and then reply to the boy. If his reply is related to the thought it could be grouped as one paragraph.
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Thanks, Les. I will. I have always thought of myself as a quick learner, but this seems to trip me up time and time again. Guess it goes back to English not being my first language! (probably not a valid excuse). I will keep that in mine. Same character in one paragraph!! Thank, my friend. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from M. Karol
What a lovely story Marijke...I had tears in my eyes. Th best part of the story is healing all around.
Children are so innocent. they must get the best...love is something they can't do without.
Madhvi
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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What a lovely story Marijke...I had tears in my eyes. Th best part of the story is healing all around.
Children are so innocent. they must get the best...love is something they can't do without.
Madhvi
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Wow, thank you so much, Madhvi, for your very generous review and rating of this story. I have to admit, as it grew, I had tears. Our family have some foster children from very sad backgrounds. This was not their story, but one of them is called Brody, and I drew on some of his personality.
Thanks again, my friend, I am thrilled you picked up on the emotions.
Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from marcii
I thought this was a wonderful and yes pretty touching story. Which showed that not all adopted children are treated as one of the family. Good that they at least had each other.
I thought the message in your story was don't judge yourself on who your family are or you were brought up with you don't have to carry on bad traits etc..
Good luck in the contest.
Marcii
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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I thought this was a wonderful and yes pretty touching story. Which showed that not all adopted children are treated as one of the family. Good that they at least had each other.
I thought the message in your story was don't judge yourself on who your family are or you were brought up with you don't have to carry on bad traits etc..
Good luck in the contest.
Marcii
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Hi Marcii, thank you so much for your comments and generous review. Yes, there is a message there. People are often judged on their family, or worse still, believe they may have 'bad' genes. Warmest regards, my friend. Marijke
Comment from writer723
I thought your story was very moving. It touched my heart the way it turned out at the end. You created a sweet and tender tale.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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I thought your story was very moving. It touched my heart the way it turned out at the end. You created a sweet and tender tale.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your kind and warm review and your generous rating. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written with good form, good flow, a good storyline that i enjoyed reading. i loved this story, it was very heartwarming, great job on this one
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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this is very well written with good form, good flow, a good storyline that i enjoyed reading. i loved this story, it was very heartwarming, great job on this one
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Thank you so much for your kind and warm review and your generous rating, my friend. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Amyna
Not just heartwarming -- definitely gives a strong pull to the heart-strings. A beautiful, humane story that made me cry. Written very well, the emotions overwhelming.
Found a couple of typing mistakes you might want to change:
non-plussed should be nonplussed
"When I left my head, she's crying too." -- lift?
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Not just heartwarming -- definitely gives a strong pull to the heart-strings. A beautiful, humane story that made me cry. Written very well, the emotions overwhelming.
Found a couple of typing mistakes you might want to change:
non-plussed should be nonplussed
"When I left my head, she's crying too." -- lift?
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Wow, thank you so much, Amyna. I appreciate your very kind words, and thrilled the emotions came through for you. Thank you also for picking up on those typos - I have fixed. Thank you again, I am thrilled to receive those six stars. Warmest regards, Marijke
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Marijke, I thank you for such a wonderful story. You're most welcome; your story deserves the six.
Best wishes, Amyna
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You are welcome, Marijke. I really enjoyed reading, so I should do the thanking!
Good luck. Amyna
Comment from CALLAHANMR
Hi Mari:)
What a heartwarming story. I don't know where to start. This wonderful story exudes love with almost every word. Who wouldn't love Brody? Who can read this feel-good story with dry eyes? I have just a couple of specific comments:
1. Oh, God, I don't know what to tell this kid. He's sure had a tough time [off ==> of] it.{A typo?}
2. Jeez, this kid's getting to me.
His face lights up and he gives me a big smile, then he bends over and tentatively pats Mia's back. He moves both his hands to her ears and gently scratches them. Mia's tail wags so fast, I think it might drop off. {Mai sure knows who her friends are.}
Your's is a story of faith and the transformative power of love. It shows that no heart is closed when God wants to open it. You have written a true winner. One that should become a children's classic, but designed to touch the hearts of all ages. Six Stars aren't enough to show my warm feelings for Brody and his new family.
You have my vote. I can't imagine a better story.
Love and Irish hugs to you.
Roger
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Hi Mari:)
What a heartwarming story. I don't know where to start. This wonderful story exudes love with almost every word. Who wouldn't love Brody? Who can read this feel-good story with dry eyes? I have just a couple of specific comments:
1. Oh, God, I don't know what to tell this kid. He's sure had a tough time [off ==> of] it.{A typo?}
2. Jeez, this kid's getting to me.
His face lights up and he gives me a big smile, then he bends over and tentatively pats Mia's back. He moves both his hands to her ears and gently scratches them. Mia's tail wags so fast, I think it might drop off. {Mai sure knows who her friends are.}
Your's is a story of faith and the transformative power of love. It shows that no heart is closed when God wants to open it. You have written a true winner. One that should become a children's classic, but designed to touch the hearts of all ages. Six Stars aren't enough to show my warm feelings for Brody and his new family.
You have my vote. I can't imagine a better story.
Love and Irish hugs to you.
Roger
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Wow, Roger, what lovely comments. Thank you so much, my friend (I have fixed the 'of' - thanks). Yes, even I got caught up in this. It grew, and I cried whilst writing it. Some family members have foster children, and one of them is called Brody (very different story to thism, but his personality is what I pulled on).
Thanks so much for those six stars, my friend, and how can I possibly not be warmed by those Irish hugs!
Thanks again, and warmest regards and love,
Marijke
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Hi Mari:)
Marilyn is a foster child as well All we know for sure is her original family name. We think we met some of her original and large family a few years ago. One of the girls at that family reunion looked just like Marilyn when I first met her almost fifty years ago.
Roger
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I can only imagine what it would be like not to be sure of who you are and where your roots are. Warmest regards, my friend, to you both. Love, Marijke
Comment from Freyja
I like the story. The dialog works well. The inner dialog works well, too (I am that grumpy person sometimes and I think these very words). When Brody mentions the commonality between his sister's name and the dog's name - that's something a kid would really do.
Constructive (hopefully) feedback:
The beginning sequence is good as it is but it could be embellished with a sense of space. A little more description of the environment. Trees in the park? Distance walked? Time passed?
I liked the first part of the back-story, where Colin is interacting with his step-dad. From "When I turned eighteen..." to the end of the section, however, feels segmented. Like a checklist of events. Part of it may be due to the line-by-line style. Perhaps it could be blended down OR go the opposite direction and fill it out.
I love stories where someone has an epiphany. Very sweet. Nice work.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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I like the story. The dialog works well. The inner dialog works well, too (I am that grumpy person sometimes and I think these very words). When Brody mentions the commonality between his sister's name and the dog's name - that's something a kid would really do.
Constructive (hopefully) feedback:
The beginning sequence is good as it is but it could be embellished with a sense of space. A little more description of the environment. Trees in the park? Distance walked? Time passed?
I liked the first part of the back-story, where Colin is interacting with his step-dad. From "When I turned eighteen..." to the end of the section, however, feels segmented. Like a checklist of events. Part of it may be due to the line-by-line style. Perhaps it could be blended down OR go the opposite direction and fill it out.
I love stories where someone has an epiphany. Very sweet. Nice work.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Thank you for your review. I don't believe panning this out would have enhanced it. It was about the emotions emotions, especially when there is a limited word count, but I take your comments on-board. Warmest regards, Marijke
Comment from Shirley McLain
This is a very heartwarming story. It is well written, your characters are strong and your dialogue is very good. You did an excellent job as always and I look forward to more.
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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This is a very heartwarming story. It is well written, your characters are strong and your dialogue is very good. You did an excellent job as always and I look forward to more.
Comment Written 31-Aug-2010
reply by the author on 31-Aug-2010
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Thank you, so much, I appreciate your comments and generous rating, my friend. Warmest regards, Marijke :o)
