Our marriage
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "How it started..."Short book about how our marriage started.
55 total reviews
Comment from Mustang Patty
Hi there;
Struggles with dialogue are only helped by writing dialogue and practicing the skills. A piece full of narrative often falls flat and comes across in the passive voice.
Sentence structure is important, and several paragraphs come across as messy because the lack of organization and muddled sentences.
A suggestion I can make to you is to read the piece out loud. Do the sentences make sense when read out loud? Do you find yourself having to insert words to make the meaning clear? Edit until the piece reads and sounds good to your ear.
Next, start at the bottom of the page and read each sentence separately. Is their a complete thought expressed in the sentence? Do you have a noun, a verb, and a subject?
You may want to use a good style guide to help you with sentences. I always suggest 'Elements of Style.' It is a good source to help you with grammar and sentence structure.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful.
~patty~
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Hi there;
Struggles with dialogue are only helped by writing dialogue and practicing the skills. A piece full of narrative often falls flat and comes across in the passive voice.
Sentence structure is important, and several paragraphs come across as messy because the lack of organization and muddled sentences.
A suggestion I can make to you is to read the piece out loud. Do the sentences make sense when read out loud? Do you find yourself having to insert words to make the meaning clear? Edit until the piece reads and sounds good to your ear.
Next, start at the bottom of the page and read each sentence separately. Is their a complete thought expressed in the sentence? Do you have a noun, a verb, and a subject?
You may want to use a good style guide to help you with sentences. I always suggest 'Elements of Style.' It is a good source to help you with grammar and sentence structure.
I hope you find these suggestions helpful.
~patty~
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have great second part of the week. I will check later. Thanks for this tip: elements of style.
Comment from barbara.wilkey
I know you probably hate my reviews, and I am sorry. I feel you could rewrote this entire post and have a wonderful story.
Having been brought up in an overprotective family - especially as I was the eldest daughter - I started making up for missed fun, once I went to university. I used to go out three days every weekend. Nothing could stop me. My mother once told me the house was not just a hotel. In those days we did not go out till about 10 pm and often came back at 4 or 5 am. Then I slept till lunch time. When I look back, I was protesting against the sheltered life I had had and,had a vivid mind and curiosity about life and people. (I rewrote this paragraph. You have 105 words, my version has 63 words.)
I was the oldest daughter raised in an overprotective family. Once I started college I made up for the fun I'd missed. Nothing could stop me. I went spent three days out every weekend. I'd go out about 10:00 PM, return about 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning, and sleep until lunch. I had and still have a curiosity about life and people.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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I know you probably hate my reviews, and I am sorry. I feel you could rewrote this entire post and have a wonderful story.
Having been brought up in an overprotective family - especially as I was the eldest daughter - I started making up for missed fun, once I went to university. I used to go out three days every weekend. Nothing could stop me. My mother once told me the house was not just a hotel. In those days we did not go out till about 10 pm and often came back at 4 or 5 am. Then I slept till lunch time. When I look back, I was protesting against the sheltered life I had had and,had a vivid mind and curiosity about life and people. (I rewrote this paragraph. You have 105 words, my version has 63 words.)
I was the oldest daughter raised in an overprotective family. Once I started college I made up for the fun I'd missed. Nothing could stop me. I went spent three days out every weekend. I'd go out about 10:00 PM, return about 4:00 or 5:00 in the morning, and sleep until lunch. I had and still have a curiosity about life and people.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have great second part of the week.
Comment from apky
This is already sounding very very romantic, Robina.
It also reminded me of my own hard-headedness while I was at university, but in the opposite way. I had too many restrictions and "protocol" and "etiquette" to deal with at home that when I was freed from home, I flew off and landed with a steady screech!
Can't wait for the next chapter.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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This is already sounding very very romantic, Robina.
It also reminded me of my own hard-headedness while I was at university, but in the opposite way. I had too many restrictions and "protocol" and "etiquette" to deal with at home that when I was freed from home, I flew off and landed with a steady screech!
Can't wait for the next chapter.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have great second part of the week.
Comment from TAB_that's me
Ah, you are getting started on your book, putting your writings into it. I wish you well with the Ine. It will be a good memory for you.
teresa
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Ah, you are getting started on your book, putting your writings into it. I wish you well with the Ine. It will be a good memory for you.
teresa
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have great second part of the week.
Comment from patcelaw
When we least expect it we find we've had that chance meeting with the person who is right for us. I enjoyed reading your story. Have a wonderful day. Patricia
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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When we least expect it we find we've had that chance meeting with the person who is right for us. I enjoyed reading your story. Have a wonderful day. Patricia
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have great second part of the week.
Comment from Bill Schott
There is a lot to mine here culturally, Ine. Just the freedom and ability to travel seems so odd to me. Were your parents super wealthy or are all these places nearby? How old were you during these outtings? This is a bit compelling.
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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There is a lot to mine here culturally, Ine. Just the freedom and ability to travel seems so odd to me. Were your parents super wealthy or are all these places nearby? How old were you during these outtings? This is a bit compelling.
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have great second part of the week. I was 26, already earned my own money. my parents were kind of well off.
Comment from humpwhistle
Narrative works so far--but you'll have to work in dialogue eventually. Dialogue is a skill that gets easier to use the more you use it.
I think you're skimming over some interesting stories--the car stuck in the sand, the strip club in Antwerp. These are the kinds of anecdotes that draw readers into a larger story.
Just my thoughts.
Peace,
Lee
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Narrative works so far--but you'll have to work in dialogue eventually. Dialogue is a skill that gets easier to use the more you use it.
I think you're skimming over some interesting stories--the car stuck in the sand, the strip club in Antwerp. These are the kinds of anecdotes that draw readers into a larger story.
Just my thoughts.
Peace,
Lee
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have great second part of the week.
Comment from beizanten
Interesting and well written first paragraph, it remind me a phrase if we force someone to went one way all the time the other way will seem more inviting. Second paragraph is also well written. The other paragraph is very good you describe the main character life in a believable way that the story come to life and the mood flow well!
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Interesting and well written first paragraph, it remind me a phrase if we force someone to went one way all the time the other way will seem more inviting. Second paragraph is also well written. The other paragraph is very good you describe the main character life in a believable way that the story come to life and the mood flow well!
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have great second part of the week.
Comment from Lloyd T. Okoko
The work reminisces an unfolding story which is is yet to blossom on its theme.
The work highlights a protagonist from an overprotected family launch into doing some of those things she could not do when she was in her parent's household.
At age 27, there was no one she could go on holiday with until this Italian dude comes her way.
Excellent work! Keep the flag flying!
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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The work reminisces an unfolding story which is is yet to blossom on its theme.
The work highlights a protagonist from an overprotected family launch into doing some of those things she could not do when she was in her parent's household.
At age 27, there was no one she could go on holiday with until this Italian dude comes her way.
Excellent work! Keep the flag flying!
Comment Written 21-Mar-2018
reply by the author on 21-Mar-2018
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Thanks for your kind review, Ine. Have great second part of the week.
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Keep on flourishing!
Comment from missy98writer
Ina,
your non-fiction story is fascinating and wonderfully written. Your narrative is great in your first chapter. Your descriptive writing is excellent in chapter one. The couples in the photo are a beautiful bunch with smiling faces. Hey, I'm the eldest too, but default, my mom's first child was a boy and she had him still born. I'm so glad you found you went to Corfu. I look forward to reading how you met Robert. I like how some Italian playboy pretended he liked art to get you attention. I liked this line: "" I immensely enjoyed chapter one. You did a very good job with chapter one. I'd recommend your chapter to other readers. I'm awarding you five stars of excellence. I look forward to reading chapter two soon. Keep on writing with heart. Please have a blessed day.
Melissa.
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2011
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Ina,
your non-fiction story is fascinating and wonderfully written. Your narrative is great in your first chapter. Your descriptive writing is excellent in chapter one. The couples in the photo are a beautiful bunch with smiling faces. Hey, I'm the eldest too, but default, my mom's first child was a boy and she had him still born. I'm so glad you found you went to Corfu. I look forward to reading how you met Robert. I like how some Italian playboy pretended he liked art to get you attention. I liked this line: "
Melissa.
Comment Written 18-Nov-2011
reply by the author on 18-Nov-2011
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Thanks for your thoughtful kind review. Blessings and take care, Ine
