An Eye for Vengeance
a boy stalks his father's murderer49 total reviews
Comment from Heather Wilkes
An interesting story! It can be really easy for stories told in this kind of voice to sound cheesy or insincere, but you kept a good, serious flow throughout with wonderful imagery and a coherent storyline. My only critique (albeit a tiny one) would be that I would have liked to have known the protagonists were Iroquois from the very beginning. That may just be me. Wonderful job!
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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An interesting story! It can be really easy for stories told in this kind of voice to sound cheesy or insincere, but you kept a good, serious flow throughout with wonderful imagery and a coherent storyline. My only critique (albeit a tiny one) would be that I would have liked to have known the protagonists were Iroquois from the very beginning. That may just be me. Wonderful job!
Comment Written 07-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Hi, Heather. Thanks so much for this great review. I think your suggestion is an excellent one and I've made a reference to him being Iroquois earlier in the piece. I sure appreciate your time and generous review! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from fictionwriter
Great writing here. I was swept up in the story and totally sucked into the scenes being played out before me. I really enjoyed it. Well done.
A couple of minor things.
Once the (p)People hear my words and observe the
For long minutes(add a comma here to set off the gerund phrase) the witch sniffed the air( remove this comma or place a subject after it ,) and twisted his head back and forth.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Great writing here. I was swept up in the story and totally sucked into the scenes being played out before me. I really enjoyed it. Well done.
A couple of minor things.
Once the (p)People hear my words and observe the
For long minutes(add a comma here to set off the gerund phrase) the witch sniffed the air( remove this comma or place a subject after it ,) and twisted his head back and forth.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Thanks so much, fictionwriter. You've made two good suggestions and I have already made the comma change. But, I was thinking by capitalizing People that it was because sometimes that is what Native Americans refer to themselves as - The People. Do you think if I added {The} it would be more appropriate? Sure appreciate your generosity. Take care ... Bev
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Yes, if you're refering to it like they do, I would add The to People.
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Okay, that's what I think, too. Thanks again! Bev
Comment from Shirley McLain
A wonderful story to read. It was full of action, suspense and intrigue. Your characters were strong and fit the story line well. If I had a six I would give it to you. Great job.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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A wonderful story to read. It was full of action, suspense and intrigue. Your characters were strong and fit the story line well. If I had a six I would give it to you. Great job.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Thanks so much for your very encouraging review, Okiegal. I sure appreciate the support and your virtual six! So generous of you! Warm regards, Bev
Comment from Stacia Ann
Hi, Bev. So glad you entered the contest!
I really like the opening, and how you pull the reader in from the beginning with sensory details of the warm skin, the honey-scented hair. Then the later details such as the white sage (which I've never heard of before, but it sounds lovely) continue to the reader in.
I identify with Kitch more here than past drafts--we know his concerns for his family.You've done a good job of keeping his voice consistent throughout--that of a mature, rational adult.
I have to say,however, I would like some hint as to what was so bestial at the coven meeting that Kitch couldn't comprehend it and brings on so much rage.
Not sure about Kit's observation that there was no assurance Hassun would show up at the creek--did they have a meeting?
The confrontation between the two men is powerful: rational, unwavering Kit and the weird Hassun, imitating an old woman.
I'd feel terror if my child showed up at this scene--maybe show some of that terror in Kit,with him perhaps just shouting at the boy to go home?
The sentence that begins "But the youth was determined..."
is a switch from Kit's to the boy's point of view; stay in Kit's--he can only surmise what his son is determined to do.
Perhaps a final scene at Kitch's deathbed, showing him dying, rather than telling us about it.
Perhaps have Alsoomse strike Hassun when he's already down, his leg wounded? Perhaps he tries but is unsuccessful because Hassun is already recovering?
A powerful ending scene!
Thanks for sharing this. Good luck with the contest!
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Hi, Bev. So glad you entered the contest!
I really like the opening, and how you pull the reader in from the beginning with sensory details of the warm skin, the honey-scented hair. Then the later details such as the white sage (which I've never heard of before, but it sounds lovely) continue to the reader in.
I identify with Kitch more here than past drafts--we know his concerns for his family.You've done a good job of keeping his voice consistent throughout--that of a mature, rational adult.
I have to say,however, I would like some hint as to what was so bestial at the coven meeting that Kitch couldn't comprehend it and brings on so much rage.
Not sure about Kit's observation that there was no assurance Hassun would show up at the creek--did they have a meeting?
The confrontation between the two men is powerful: rational, unwavering Kit and the weird Hassun, imitating an old woman.
I'd feel terror if my child showed up at this scene--maybe show some of that terror in Kit,with him perhaps just shouting at the boy to go home?
The sentence that begins "But the youth was determined..."
is a switch from Kit's to the boy's point of view; stay in Kit's--he can only surmise what his son is determined to do.
Perhaps a final scene at Kitch's deathbed, showing him dying, rather than telling us about it.
Perhaps have Alsoomse strike Hassun when he's already down, his leg wounded? Perhaps he tries but is unsuccessful because Hassun is already recovering?
A powerful ending scene!
Thanks for sharing this. Good luck with the contest!
Comment Written 07-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Thank you, Stacia. You've given me some great pointers and, I'll admit that I did feel the areas you mention were a little weak. My main concern, frankly, was the length of the piece. And because of that I tended to low-key some of the details. I'm hoping to spruce this up and possibly submit elsewhere, so your review is of great help. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment from Realist101
Hi Bev! How original and different! MOST interesting and an excellent entry too. I missed the date~ Oh well. This is great reading. I love anything to do with native Americans, and this was good. I like the ending, it leaves the reader wanting to know what happens next! Nice work Bev, and best to you in this contest too! xoxo. Susan
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Hi Bev! How original and different! MOST interesting and an excellent entry too. I missed the date~ Oh well. This is great reading. I love anything to do with native Americans, and this was good. I like the ending, it leaves the reader wanting to know what happens next! Nice work Bev, and best to you in this contest too! xoxo. Susan
Comment Written 07-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Hi, Susan. Thank you so much for reading and for your generous review. I barely made the deadline myself. I only had about three months! And I really appreciate the good luck wishes, too. Hugs, Bev
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I know. I had mine started then, changed it and couldn't get it done. Usually I can. Not this time! LOL! I hope this wins. IT's super!! HUG, susan
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Oh, thanks for that Susan ... you are so kind and generous. Xxx Bev
Comment from Connie C
What an entertaining and well-told story, Bev. When I first read that
there was a witch in the story, I assumed it would be a female so I
got just a tad confused at first. I also wasn't sure what a travois was.
I think if I had read your author's notes before reading the story,
that would definitely have helped. Otherwise, I thoroughly enjoyed
reading this and continue to be impressed with your vivid imagination
in your storytelling. Also, I did not see a single spag, but then I was
pretty engrossed in the story and wasn't looking all that hard for
errors. I hope you win the contest, as this is a most deserving piece
of fiction. You'd get a six from me if FS would let me, and I'm not just
saying that either! Lots of hugs, Connie
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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What an entertaining and well-told story, Bev. When I first read that
there was a witch in the story, I assumed it would be a female so I
got just a tad confused at first. I also wasn't sure what a travois was.
I think if I had read your author's notes before reading the story,
that would definitely have helped. Otherwise, I thoroughly enjoyed
reading this and continue to be impressed with your vivid imagination
in your storytelling. Also, I did not see a single spag, but then I was
pretty engrossed in the story and wasn't looking all that hard for
errors. I hope you win the contest, as this is a most deserving piece
of fiction. You'd get a six from me if FS would let me, and I'm not just
saying that either! Lots of hugs, Connie
Comment Written 07-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Thank you so much, Connie. Your wonderful insights have me smiling, buddy. I only took three months to write this piece. My other projects got in the way and, then, Holy Smokes I had like three days left to finish. I work well under pressure, but this was ridiculous.
Thanks for letting me know what you liked and, especially, for mentioning that bit about witches. I'm going to see if I can insert the fact it's a male witch at the beginning.
I so appreciate your generous review and good luck wishes, Connie. You're just the sweetest lady! Love ya, Bev
Comment from Rob Caudle
****** Bev, the six stars this piece deserves. Wow that was one engrossing read my friend. I have to admit when I first saw it was not a chapter from Jericho road I was bummed. But no more, what a great write full on great tension. You my friend are really quite good. Thanks for a stirring read.
Rob
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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****** Bev, the six stars this piece deserves. Wow that was one engrossing read my friend. I have to admit when I first saw it was not a chapter from Jericho road I was bummed. But no more, what a great write full on great tension. You my friend are really quite good. Thanks for a stirring read.
Rob
Comment Written 07-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Aw, thanks Rob. You always manage to lift my spirits. I sure appreciate this great review and virtual six. Glad you liked my contest entry. Only took me three months to finish - on the last day of submission deadline! I'm going to get another chapter out very soon. Have to write a short script by Friday for my Scriptwriting class first.
You really are a great guy, Rob. Hugs, Bev
Comment from barkingdog
The creature then lifted his snout to the dark heavens, and roared from the depths of his belly. Shooting straight up like an arrow destined for an eagle's heart, he disappeared.
Fascinating--the healing of the black-beetles!
Was the finger bone what was vibrating in the pack? I just put that together on the second read. I didn't transition it into his hand. It just sort of appeared there before Kitch's voice 'blew into his mind'(great description).
Marvelous fight scene with the birds attacking the crowd of witches and giving Alsoomse a chance by blinding Hassun.
And it was his sister! Fantastic. The spirit of his father was there fighting right along side of him--through him.
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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The creature then lifted his snout to the dark heavens, and roared from the depths of his belly. Shooting straight up like an arrow destined for an eagle's heart, he disappeared.
Fascinating--the healing of the black-beetles!
Was the finger bone what was vibrating in the pack? I just put that together on the second read. I didn't transition it into his hand. It just sort of appeared there before Kitch's voice 'blew into his mind'(great description).
Marvelous fight scene with the birds attacking the crowd of witches and giving Alsoomse a chance by blinding Hassun.
And it was his sister! Fantastic. The spirit of his father was there fighting right along side of him--through him.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Hi, Ellen. Thanks so much for reading - I always look forward to reading your excellent insights. This was started in my horror class and finished the last day of the contest LOL. I really appreciate the support, my friend. Hugs, Bev
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You took a horror class, too. Where ever do you find the time for your site, classes, writing, etc.? Busy you. :) ellen xxx
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Right now, I think that's an excellent question, Ellen :0)
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Your scriptwriting class is starting. Right? How is it?
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Oh, it's going to be really good. The people in the class are very interested in doing it professionally - so they'll be tough nuts to crack. We review each other's homework assignments, so I'm looking for some good feedback. Of course, Alvin is doing a great job as usual.
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He's a real pro at all that he does. Are you allowed to tell who is in your class? I'd love to know.
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Don't see why not: Dallas01, Carrie Carson, ridinaround, J. Byers, cristianpowers, Anisa C and myself. A full house. Look for some good posting to come out of this class - at least I hope they'll post.
Comment from Maureen's Pen
Holy jumping Bev, I may have nightmares, this has a lot of the darker arts and I do love Native Indian history.
I think you did a great job here...scared the pants off me.....but I was surprised I got through it....
I'm a sap when it comes to scary stuff...
Great job, and a great submission. Good luck in the contest.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Holy jumping Bev, I may have nightmares, this has a lot of the darker arts and I do love Native Indian history.
I think you did a great job here...scared the pants off me.....but I was surprised I got through it....
I'm a sap when it comes to scary stuff...
Great job, and a great submission. Good luck in the contest.
Thanks for sharing.
Maureen
Comment Written 07-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Thank you, Maureen. I do so appreciate your words of support and your generous review. I'll need lots of luck with the writing I'm up against - so thanks for that. Love ya, Bev
Comment from Cindy Warren
I loved reading this supernatural thriller. The only thing I didn't understand was why Kitch chose such a direct method to confont Hassun, knowing his power. Was it his plan to sacrifice himself and then help his son kill the witch?
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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I loved reading this supernatural thriller. The only thing I didn't understand was why Kitch chose such a direct method to confont Hassun, knowing his power. Was it his plan to sacrifice himself and then help his son kill the witch?
Comment Written 07-Jun-2012
reply by the author on 07-Jun-2012
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Hi, Cindy. You make an excellent point about the direct confrontation. My thinking was that as the chief of the tribe (that's only briefly mentioned), he felt it was his job to do it. But, as you say, this could be a bit of a dilemma for a reader.
Thank you so much for your insights and generous review. Hope to hear from you again sometime! Warmest regards, Bev
