Would You Look at That?
A Mindy & Chloe Story30 total reviews
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
John, first of all congratulations. This is a delightful story for children. It is headed toward a wonderful point, modeling acceptance. I like the way you define your 2 characters Chloe and Mindy. And for not being much of a 'poet' man, you sure do a great job. :-)
There are a few areas you might want to edit. The list is not exhaustive but I am sure you will catch the remainder.
2nd verse of poem... You might want to remove 'with a' , makes it flow smoothly
Needs consistency in quotation marks... He told me "trying ....vow" I told him, "hop down...." He said, "thank...etc"
In the paragraph where Mindy says, "Frank, just Frank", the last sentence: It's: their- instead of- there food.....
"Her mom and dad were chipmunks, a fact (remove which) she could not hide."
3rd verse from last. Change: every- to- each.
I hope this helps with your edits a little. I love the story.
Have a great day, John, Carolyn
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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John, first of all congratulations. This is a delightful story for children. It is headed toward a wonderful point, modeling acceptance. I like the way you define your 2 characters Chloe and Mindy. And for not being much of a 'poet' man, you sure do a great job. :-)
There are a few areas you might want to edit. The list is not exhaustive but I am sure you will catch the remainder.
2nd verse of poem... You might want to remove 'with a' , makes it flow smoothly
Needs consistency in quotation marks... He told me "trying ....vow" I told him, "hop down...." He said, "thank...etc"
In the paragraph where Mindy says, "Frank, just Frank", the last sentence: It's: their- instead of- there food.....
"Her mom and dad were chipmunks, a fact (remove which) she could not hide."
3rd verse from last. Change: every- to- each.
I hope this helps with your edits a little. I love the story.
Have a great day, John, Carolyn
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 26-Mar-2013
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Thank you soooooo much Carolyn, I truly appreciate the corrections you provided. The nice thing about this site, every reviewer is different and provides a variety of info.
I appreciate your words of encouragement.
Talk to you later... John
Comment from adewpearl
Would you look at that." Chloe whispered - that,"
Fun alliterative name for the squirrel
I love the chipmunk and chipmunk mom's names and then the dad is just Frank LOL
Good rhyming in the story poem section - I particularly like debonair/there
"That's a shame," Chloe said - I added the closing parenthesis
fun Kalamazoo/clue rhyme
I like your characters and their dialogue, the way they interact
Brooke
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Would you look at that." Chloe whispered - that,"
Fun alliterative name for the squirrel
I love the chipmunk and chipmunk mom's names and then the dad is just Frank LOL
Good rhyming in the story poem section - I particularly like debonair/there
"That's a shame," Chloe said - I added the closing parenthesis
fun Kalamazoo/clue rhyme
I like your characters and their dialogue, the way they interact
Brooke
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Thank you very much Brooke. Sorry it took so long to respond. Busy day. I appreciate the corrections. I will adjust along with other suggestions. John
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, jmdg, you did a great job writing this first part of a poetic tale of the two dogs who are going to help the squirrel find his love. i enjoyed reading it and look forward to more
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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this is very well written, jmdg, you did a great job writing this first part of a poetic tale of the two dogs who are going to help the squirrel find his love. i enjoyed reading it and look forward to more
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Thank you SWJ for you uplifting and positive review. John
Comment from STEPHEN A CARTER
A great effort that tells a whimsical Beatrice Potter type of story. As to the line, "and started to whisper in her ear..." Perhaps "and whispered in her ear" would be better. As to the story and the poetry,they are a great combination especially when read out to children...some of the verses need to be smoother..try reading them aloud as the work is meant to be..if the tongue stumbles..rewrite. KISS...keep it simple..stu..
Regards:
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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A great effort that tells a whimsical Beatrice Potter type of story. As to the line, "and started to whisper in her ear..." Perhaps "and whispered in her ear" would be better. As to the story and the poetry,they are a great combination especially when read out to children...some of the verses need to be smoother..try reading them aloud as the work is meant to be..if the tongue stumbles..rewrite. KISS...keep it simple..stu..
Regards:
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Got it! Thank you! The KISS method always works for me. Thanks for the last line suggestion... Always appreciated ... John
Comment from Walu Feral
G'day John. This is a masterpiece mate! Great work and well played. I don't normally read long stuff because I have the attention span of a mosquito, but this is great. The only thing that I spotted is perhaps change "garage" to "shed" to aid the meter and keep it flowing. I look forward to the next chapter. Cheers Fez.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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G'day John. This is a masterpiece mate! Great work and well played. I don't normally read long stuff because I have the attention span of a mosquito, but this is great. The only thing that I spotted is perhaps change "garage" to "shed" to aid the meter and keep it flowing. I look forward to the next chapter. Cheers Fez.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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I will look at that Fez, I appreciate your suggestions. Any others don't be shy. Thanks again bro... John
Comment from Sasha
I just love this. I read it twice and really couldn't find anything that needed changing or correcting. But to be honest, I am a terrible editor and probably not the person to ask. I really enjoyed this and anxiously look forward to part two.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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I just love this. I read it twice and really couldn't find anything that needed changing or correcting. But to be honest, I am a terrible editor and probably not the person to ask. I really enjoyed this and anxiously look forward to part two.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Thank you do much Valarie for such a positive review.
Always appreciated... John
Comment from Aussie
I thought his name was Salty - because he ate salted peanuts: LOL. In our language - this is a 'corker' write for children, you sure have a handle on what makes a good story to entertain. The fun and constant banter keeps the reader interested and your use of names that brings howls of laughter from your characters - the use of poetry between the conversations is brilliant. More please. Well done.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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I thought his name was Salty - because he ate salted peanuts: LOL. In our language - this is a 'corker' write for children, you sure have a handle on what makes a good story to entertain. The fun and constant banter keeps the reader interested and your use of names that brings howls of laughter from your characters - the use of poetry between the conversations is brilliant. More please. Well done.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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"Corker?"... Thank you so much Aussie for taking the time to read this. I appreciated your encouragement and wanting more. It'll bee a week or two (I'm a slow writer, plus I work two jobs). Your generous review of 6stars made my day.
John
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Corker in Oz means fantastic - beauty bottler' mate. I can't write often either, due to arthritis and lack of money to promote! Avagoodweekend mate!
Comment from cleo85
That is about the funniest story I have read in a long time. I love it! I guess I have to change the picture and give those dogs the right race and coat colors. Thank you so much for using my painting as illustration. I am honored
Sorry I cannot be helpful, I have no formal education of the English language and not competent to judge writing skills, but I really like what you wrote here. I am hugged on the story. I want to know what will happen in part two.
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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That is about the funniest story I have read in a long time. I love it! I guess I have to change the picture and give those dogs the right race and coat colors. Thank you so much for using my painting as illustration. I am honored
Sorry I cannot be helpful, I have no formal education of the English language and not competent to judge writing skills, but I really like what you wrote here. I am hugged on the story. I want to know what will happen in part two.
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Cleo thank you do very much for the generous six star rate. Your words of review and encouragement are overwhelming. Thank you. John
Comment from Celestina Waters
Oh! This was such a fun little story, I read it aloud to my neighbor friend who is seven. She followed it to the end. And was so sad about the squrilie and the chip. We have grey squirrels and chipmunks all over and Lacey, my friend, often wonders if they are married!! So this was a very special story.
I LOVED the poetry thrown in to your story, it flowed very well. I could see the dogs in my mind so clear. I look forward to part two. And I am sure my lil friend Lacey is too. Thank you!!
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Oh! This was such a fun little story, I read it aloud to my neighbor friend who is seven. She followed it to the end. And was so sad about the squrilie and the chip. We have grey squirrels and chipmunks all over and Lacey, my friend, often wonders if they are married!! So this was a very special story.
I LOVED the poetry thrown in to your story, it flowed very well. I could see the dogs in my mind so clear. I look forward to part two. And I am sure my lil friend Lacey is too. Thank you!!
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Celestina, wow what a fantastic review. Your response to my story, I can't say enough about. Thank you!! Your 6star ice icing on the word son your review. Always appreciated... John
Comment from RJFunston
Good afternoon,
I believe I've read another of your post and was truly amazed. I've never thought about writing any type of children's book, I don't have the imagination for that. You on the other hand have done a fantastic job! I liked the whole story. You wrote it for a child, but at a level even an adult would like it. You are so clever in mixing the rhymes with the story, I think that is an awesome touch. You have a great talent for this, I really think you could make a mint.
Great write, great writer, great story. Hope you don't mind, I became your fan and gave you that almighty sixth star.
Have a good day,
Robert
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Good afternoon,
I believe I've read another of your post and was truly amazed. I've never thought about writing any type of children's book, I don't have the imagination for that. You on the other hand have done a fantastic job! I liked the whole story. You wrote it for a child, but at a level even an adult would like it. You are so clever in mixing the rhymes with the story, I think that is an awesome touch. You have a great talent for this, I really think you could make a mint.
Great write, great writer, great story. Hope you don't mind, I became your fan and gave you that almighty sixth star.
Have a good day,
Robert
Comment Written 24-Mar-2013
reply by the author on 25-Mar-2013
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Wow... What a phenomenal review. Your words of encouragement are uplifting and of course makes me want to carry on. Thank you for the generous six stars, and becoming a fan. I will certainly reciprocate.
You've made my early morning... All appreciated, John
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You are a heck of a writer.. Keep up the good work...:)
Robert
