Leslie Ann's Exploits
Viewing comments for Chapter 12 "Leslie Ann goes to room 10"A spoiled young lady who learns the hard way
23 total reviews
Comment from Dean Kuch
This was extremely funny titanx9. it had a great amount of suspense (not knowing what Leslie Ann was going to do to poor old Jonathon!), it flowed fairly well (see some suggested edits that may help below), and it had that element of stark terror and fear that I have become so fond of over the years.(all the bodies awaiting dissection was a stroke of brilliance!)
Overall, I really had a fun time reading this!
Legend:
()=add or insert text
[]=omit text
Introduction: Leslie Ann means to get what she wants at all cost(s)--->This should be plural, not singular.
She fingered the envelope[,] she'd gleefully secreted away,--->no need for a comma here (indicates sentence break).
But that would be after her revenge[,](;) or to her dying breath.---> remove comma, add semi-colon.
It didn't matter - he'd rebuffed her(;)[now] she {just} had to succeed.---> add semi-colon, remove "NOW", add the word "JUST". This suggested edit is simply a matter of form/style to create a smoother syllable flow, but it's not necessary.
The note said to meet him over by the quad in room [2]10,--->omit the number "2" and see how much more smoothly this line reads. Again, goes to form/style.
She entered room [2]10 slamming shut the door behind her.---> again, omit the number "2" for better flow.
Her phone had no power(;)[,] [and] there was no one around.--->remove comma, insert semi-colon. Lose the word "AND"...
She cries out Jonathan's name, but not a sound did she utter.---> If she cries out Jonathon's name she is, in fact, uttering a sound.
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reply by the author on 25-Apr-2013
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This was extremely funny titanx9. it had a great amount of suspense (not knowing what Leslie Ann was going to do to poor old Jonathon!), it flowed fairly well (see some suggested edits that may help below), and it had that element of stark terror and fear that I have become so fond of over the years.(all the bodies awaiting dissection was a stroke of brilliance!)
Overall, I really had a fun time reading this!
Legend:
()=add or insert text
[]=omit text
Introduction: Leslie Ann means to get what she wants at all cost(s)--->This should be plural, not singular.
She fingered the envelope[,] she'd gleefully secreted away,--->no need for a comma here (indicates sentence break).
But that would be after her revenge[,](;) or to her dying breath.---> remove comma, add semi-colon.
It didn't matter - he'd rebuffed her(;)[now] she {just} had to succeed.---> add semi-colon, remove "NOW", add the word "JUST". This suggested edit is simply a matter of form/style to create a smoother syllable flow, but it's not necessary.
The note said to meet him over by the quad in room [2]10,--->omit the number "2" and see how much more smoothly this line reads. Again, goes to form/style.
She entered room [2]10 slamming shut the door behind her.---> again, omit the number "2" for better flow.
Her phone had no power(;)[,] [and] there was no one around.--->remove comma, insert semi-colon. Lose the word "AND"...
She cries out Jonathan's name, but not a sound did she utter.---> If she cries out Jonathon's name she is, in fact, uttering a sound.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2013
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Thanks, Dean Kuch, for your obviously careful read, I appreciate it. I am always opened to constructive criticism. I took your advice to heart, now I will await to see what others think. Peace and welcome to FanStory!
Comment from dmt1967
This is a good poem again I hope Leslie Ann gets what's coming to her nasty woman I like the picture and the way it is written thank you for sharing
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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This is a good poem again I hope Leslie Ann gets what's coming to her nasty woman I like the picture and the way it is written thank you for sharing
Comment Written 25-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 29-Apr-2013
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Thanks so much for your complimentary and encouraging review!
Comment from Curly Girly
Leslie Ann is stuck in a room with 20 bodies! And she is all alone - I would not like to swap places with her.
I spotted 2 small typos:
It didn't occur to her that she and Jonathan has never kissed,
It didn't occur to her that she and Jonathan HAD never kissed,
Looking forward to reading more.
Nicole / CG
As claustrophobia overcame her, she heard not a sound.
.
She discovered (A stray period between these 2 verses.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2013
|
Leslie Ann is stuck in a room with 20 bodies! And she is all alone - I would not like to swap places with her.
I spotted 2 small typos:
It didn't occur to her that she and Jonathan has never kissed,
It didn't occur to her that she and Jonathan HAD never kissed,
Looking forward to reading more.
Nicole / CG
As claustrophobia overcame her, she heard not a sound.
.
She discovered (A stray period between these 2 verses.)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2013
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2013