Visitors
In the dark of night.36 total reviews
Comment from Curtis Hatch
Gretchen,
The story is a nail biter. It is a reminder that the devil is in our lives every day trying to make a deal. His game is to condemn our souls to eternal hell to serve him there. It is an eerie read.
Curtis
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
  |
Gretchen,
The story is a nail biter. It is a reminder that the devil is in our lives every day trying to make a deal. His game is to condemn our souls to eternal hell to serve him there. It is an eerie read.
Curtis
Comment Written 29-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
-
Thank you so much. I really appreciate it. The devil do make for some scary subject matter. Gretchen
Comment from shortwerks
Nice turn on the old story.
Would suggest "To see his family again, it would mean so much to him." might work better as "To see his parents again would mean so much to him."
Think you have a little typo in this sentence : "The devil wasn't bring them back to life, he was just bringing them back." Think you meant "The devil wasn't bringing them...".
Since you say you are trying for the creep factor (love the term), I would suggest that lengthening the story might heighten our unease. If you could stretch out the tension without diminishing it, it would be all the creepier.
Nicely done. Peace.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
 |
Nice turn on the old story.
Would suggest "To see his family again, it would mean so much to him." might work better as "To see his parents again would mean so much to him."
Think you have a little typo in this sentence : "The devil wasn't bring them back to life, he was just bringing them back." Think you meant "The devil wasn't bringing them...".
Since you say you are trying for the creep factor (love the term), I would suggest that lengthening the story might heighten our unease. If you could stretch out the tension without diminishing it, it would be all the creepier.
Nicely done. Peace.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
-
thank you for the awesome review and nice rating. Fixed those spags. Gretchen
Comment from Misrael
That was creepy with a capital C not to mention weird and ominous. That was literally bone chilling. It made me cringe and shudder. Keep up the good work.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
|
That was creepy with a capital C not to mention weird and ominous. That was literally bone chilling. It made me cringe and shudder. Keep up the good work.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
-
Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from adewpearl
If you're trying for the creep factor, your opening is spot on :-) You set the stage and the creepy tone effectively from the first line on.
The boy stoked the fire - he had made a deal years earlier when he was just a lad - but he's still a boy???
You be wanting something, boy? - I added the question mark
they were laying in their caskets - lying in
Very effective closing - reminds me of Cat Cematary when the cat comes back in less than attractive fashion :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
|
If you're trying for the creep factor, your opening is spot on :-) You set the stage and the creepy tone effectively from the first line on.
The boy stoked the fire - he had made a deal years earlier when he was just a lad - but he's still a boy???
You be wanting something, boy? - I added the question mark
they were laying in their caskets - lying in
Very effective closing - reminds me of Cat Cematary when the cat comes back in less than attractive fashion :-) Brooke
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
-
Thank you for the great review. I call everyone who's under thirty a boy. LOL. Thanks for pointing it out. Gretchen
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Interesting Gretchen. Great Imagery in your story. I like how you described the Devil and the emotions of the boy.
Yes it was creepy. LOL Hugs. Nancy
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
|
Interesting Gretchen. Great Imagery in your story. I like how you described the Devil and the emotions of the boy.
Yes it was creepy. LOL Hugs. Nancy
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
-
Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Yes this is well written my friend and indeed a very creepy story that reads well I enjoyed my friend ....... Regards Jill
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
|
Yes this is well written my friend and indeed a very creepy story that reads well I enjoyed my friend ....... Regards Jill
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
-
Thank you so much for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from Rosalyne
Hi Gretchen,
This is an eerie story, one that leaves the reader feeling chilled. Horror and thrillers comes in many styles. You brought out the eerie, a quiet creepiness without having to use blood and gore. You've done a good job setting up the story. I liked the contrast between good and evil, the boy reciting the Lord's Prayer the lure of the devil. Well done.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
|
Hi Gretchen,
This is an eerie story, one that leaves the reader feeling chilled. Horror and thrillers comes in many styles. You brought out the eerie, a quiet creepiness without having to use blood and gore. You've done a good job setting up the story. I liked the contrast between good and evil, the boy reciting the Lord's Prayer the lure of the devil. Well done.
Bye
Rosalyne :)
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
-
I don't like violence, blood or gore. But I love a good scare factor. Glad you enjoyed it. Gretchen
Comment from Louise Michelle
Good line about the flowers withering when devil smiled. Not sure about 'shock of white hot pain.' Perhaps you might consider electrical current that made hair on arm stand erect.
This is a very good horror story with a terrific surprise ending. Well done, Lou
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
|
Good line about the flowers withering when devil smiled. Not sure about 'shock of white hot pain.' Perhaps you might consider electrical current that made hair on arm stand erect.
This is a very good horror story with a terrific surprise ending. Well done, Lou
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
-
Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from Sefiros
Not so much creepy as strange. What really pulled me out of the story was the "coal black eyes" and the "black eyes." Needless repetition here. I don't really connect with the protagonist. Everyone knows dealing with the devil is a bad idea. Looking forward to next piece of writing.
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
 |
Not so much creepy as strange. What really pulled me out of the story was the "coal black eyes" and the "black eyes." Needless repetition here. I don't really connect with the protagonist. Everyone knows dealing with the devil is a bad idea. Looking forward to next piece of writing.
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
-
Fixed the eye thing. Thank you for the great review. Gretchen
Comment from Titanx9
Gretchen, this is sinister, indeed. I didn't look to see that it was horror, which I normally don't read because I am a scary cat. You're such a terrific and prolific writer. You have a creative imagination that spans the spectrum. Even though this one had me shaking in my shoes, it was excellent.
Note: Is the line below correct as written?
"He had black eyes and coal-black eyes, and a wicked grin."
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
|
Gretchen, this is sinister, indeed. I didn't look to see that it was horror, which I normally don't read because I am a scary cat. You're such a terrific and prolific writer. You have a creative imagination that spans the spectrum. Even though this one had me shaking in my shoes, it was excellent.
Note: Is the line below correct as written?
"He had black eyes and coal-black eyes, and a wicked grin."
Comment Written 28-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 29-Sep-2013
-
Fixed the eye line. I don't like horror, but I can't really find a category to fit what I like to write. Ah, there are worse problems to have. Thank you for the great review. Gretchen