The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "AWAKENED TO SLEEP"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
31 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
You have the makings of a very good story line. This shows your ability and talent of creativity. You have pique my curiosity. Good job.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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You have the makings of a very good story line. This shows your ability and talent of creativity. You have pique my curiosity. Good job.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much for reading it, Charlie. I'm happy you liked it.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie
Comment from TheSoldierChronicles
First thing, I want to say that it's a very interesting piece you have here, and I don't mean that in any way other than a good one. This is a well-crafted story with very interesting characters that you've written to the point where they actually feel like they could be real. I plan to read this when it's all done, because I can see an awesome author shooting out of this.
Only a few critiques for this one.
The third sentence in the second paragraph just seems worded oddly.
The second sentence after we are aware of the mystery girl-child, the sentence starts with unless, then never has a second part. It seems to just stop with an incomplete thought. Unless she was this... then what? Perhaps this is just the character's confused thought process, but it had an odd sound to reading it.
Mostly the critique is just how things are worded; sometimes they just sound odd on the tongue.
Other than that, great job and I can't wait to see more!
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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First thing, I want to say that it's a very interesting piece you have here, and I don't mean that in any way other than a good one. This is a well-crafted story with very interesting characters that you've written to the point where they actually feel like they could be real. I plan to read this when it's all done, because I can see an awesome author shooting out of this.
Only a few critiques for this one.
The third sentence in the second paragraph just seems worded oddly.
The second sentence after we are aware of the mystery girl-child, the sentence starts with unless, then never has a second part. It seems to just stop with an incomplete thought. Unless she was this... then what? Perhaps this is just the character's confused thought process, but it had an odd sound to reading it.
Mostly the critique is just how things are worded; sometimes they just sound odd on the tongue.
Other than that, great job and I can't wait to see more!
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Many thinks, my friend. I'm always pleased to get detailed critiques. So many times I wonder if a person has actually read it to its conclusion. You obviously did, in order to make the comment on what appeared to you to be an incomplete thought. It can be accurately described as a sentence fragment, and, as such was part of his inner thoughts, I believe just after he col' cocked her with a hook. I have printed your crit and will check it out with (so far) one other crit that made some suggestions. I sincerely thank you for the time you've taken on this.
Jay
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You might want to recheck the suggestions you made on the original chapter. Part of the problem was that the italics were missing. This time I posted it under the advanced editor. Read with the italics I think you'll find the dangling "unless..." makes more sense. Anyway, thanks again. Jay
Comment from Writingfundimension
I loved this opening sentence, Jay:
'I opened an eye to the grass-tufted, sandy terrain slanting down to the a glare of a scarlet sea.' Strong imagery to get this chapter off to a great start.
This is a fascinating character you've brought into this story:
'I couldn't imagine a bald female could be attractive, but she brought it off well. The crown of her head was large and well formed with no discernible indentations or bumps... ' Makes me think of the description of E.T. hybrids.
You have a great story going, Jay, and I look forward to reading more of this highly creative novel.
Regards, Bev
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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I loved this opening sentence, Jay:
'I opened an eye to the grass-tufted, sandy terrain slanting down to the a glare of a scarlet sea.' Strong imagery to get this chapter off to a great start.
This is a fascinating character you've brought into this story:
'I couldn't imagine a bald female could be attractive, but she brought it off well. The crown of her head was large and well formed with no discernible indentations or bumps... ' Makes me think of the description of E.T. hybrids.
You have a great story going, Jay, and I look forward to reading more of this highly creative novel.
Regards, Bev
Comment Written 04-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Hey, Bev, thanks for reading this chapter. It's really just starting to build into a full head of steam, so please come back and check out some more chapters. Heh-heh ... ET. Never thought of it that way.
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You're welcome, Jay. I will definitely read more. :0) Bev
Comment from Walter L. Jones
Again you capture in words and image, good to pulled from the reality of everyday, soft mix, special the sound of imagination, your gift is ever present, thank you, Walt
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Again you capture in words and image, good to pulled from the reality of everyday, soft mix, special the sound of imagination, your gift is ever present, thank you, Walt
Comment Written 04-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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Wow! Walt, one of the people I most admire on this site has told me my gift is ever present! It's only 9 AM and already you've made my day!
Comment from Selina Stambi
Hi Jay,
An intriguing first chapter to your novel.
I'm curious to know more. The author notes refer to an amnesiac ... I'm interested to see where the tale is headed.
Nicely done. :)
Sonali
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Hi Jay,
An intriguing first chapter to your novel.
I'm curious to know more. The author notes refer to an amnesiac ... I'm interested to see where the tale is headed.
Nicely done. :)
Sonali
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thank you for reading it, Sonali. I hope it doesn't disappoint.
Jay
Comment from dejohnsrld (Debbie)
This is a very interesting and well-crafted story which I enjoyed. Your writing is very descriptive and clear. This is a great start to your novel~Debbie
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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This is a very interesting and well-crafted story which I enjoyed. Your writing is very descriptive and clear. This is a great start to your novel~Debbie
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thank you, debbie.
Comment from CR Delport
This is quite an interesting opening chapter that raises a lot of question straight away, raising the curiosity of the reader. Looking forward to reading more of this story.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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This is quite an interesting opening chapter that raises a lot of question straight away, raising the curiosity of the reader. Looking forward to reading more of this story.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thanks, CR. Glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from amahra
this was a very well written, well thought out and intriguing story that I can't wait to read and find out more: who this person is, where did he come from, and where is he now. Also, why didn't this creature kill him and just who is this lone creature? Great story.
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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this was a very well written, well thought out and intriguing story that I can't wait to read and find out more: who this person is, where did he come from, and where is he now. Also, why didn't this creature kill him and just who is this lone creature? Great story.
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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I'm so happy you enjoyed this opening chapter, Amahra. Thank you for your extra vote of confidence with this six!
Comment from Tina McKala
WOW! This sounded like a real book :) If I were allowed to give 6, this is the work I would award with the green plus :)
I loved the imagery, you made me be there on the beach and then at the fire together with your mysterious characters. The descriptions - both of the surroundings and of the girl - were excellent and innovative and the conversation at the end was spot on. The way you played with the language was awesome! There is almost nothing I could comment on, the POV was strong and consistent, the pace was fine, not rushed, not slow, the main character had a strong voice and the mystery beyond the spoken is engaging. I'm gonna fan you so I can keep pace with this piece and learn how to write :)
just three little nitpicks (use or ignore):
I tried to raise my head, but couldn't. Simply turning my head to the side failed. // repetition of "head"
How much later it now was, I had no idea. But, opening my eyes was no longer an impossible task. Moving the head or the rest of the body would be harder, I sensed, but not impossible. // I think first two sentences would sound better if connected, no need to start a sentence with "but" as in this case it didn't seem to me it has the desired emphasizing effect (but it might me just my personal preference). However, I also didn't like that you use but it the third sentence as well, it was kind of a repetition of a sentence structure.
crackling of a fire, felt its warmth on that side of me. With some difficulty I turned my head toward the fire. // repetition of "fire"
all in all I truly enjoyed this piece!
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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WOW! This sounded like a real book :) If I were allowed to give 6, this is the work I would award with the green plus :)
I loved the imagery, you made me be there on the beach and then at the fire together with your mysterious characters. The descriptions - both of the surroundings and of the girl - were excellent and innovative and the conversation at the end was spot on. The way you played with the language was awesome! There is almost nothing I could comment on, the POV was strong and consistent, the pace was fine, not rushed, not slow, the main character had a strong voice and the mystery beyond the spoken is engaging. I'm gonna fan you so I can keep pace with this piece and learn how to write :)
just three little nitpicks (use or ignore):
I tried to raise my head, but couldn't. Simply turning my head to the side failed. // repetition of "head"
How much later it now was, I had no idea. But, opening my eyes was no longer an impossible task. Moving the head or the rest of the body would be harder, I sensed, but not impossible. // I think first two sentences would sound better if connected, no need to start a sentence with "but" as in this case it didn't seem to me it has the desired emphasizing effect (but it might me just my personal preference). However, I also didn't like that you use but it the third sentence as well, it was kind of a repetition of a sentence structure.
crackling of a fire, felt its warmth on that side of me. With some difficulty I turned my head toward the fire. // repetition of "fire"
all in all I truly enjoyed this piece!
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Tina, your crit has been most helpful, especially what you call the "three little nitpicks" which earn you a "thumbs up". Yours are the reasons I am forking out $48 a year. Applause dies down, but your assistance moves me forward.
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Hey, Tina, I think I took care of the areas that were of concern to you. Also, I re-posted it under the Advanced Editor which retained the italics that were missing when you read it.
Comment from sweetwoodjax
this is very well written, jay, this is an interesting beginning to a story and I enjoyed the word play between the two characters in the story. makes you wonder what will happen next
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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this is very well written, jay, this is an interesting beginning to a story and I enjoyed the word play between the two characters in the story. makes you wonder what will happen next
Comment Written 03-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 03-Apr-2014
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Thanks, Sweetwoodjax.