The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "THE POMNOTS"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
31 total reviews
Comment from GWHARGIS
You know what struck me about this chapter? It was the thought of watching something like this happening and not being judgmental. I couldn't get over how un-human that would be. It really brought Axtilla alive to me. I am glad you put a little humor into the scene. After leaving me with a cliff hanger and then starting off with the image of a big blood dripping bubble I needed a break. The image of Doctorex almost stepping into the fire was the perfect touch. Now we have the start of another mystery. Am wondering why she needs to enter the new realm. Nicely done. as always a pleasure to read.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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You know what struck me about this chapter? It was the thought of watching something like this happening and not being judgmental. I couldn't get over how un-human that would be. It really brought Axtilla alive to me. I am glad you put a little humor into the scene. After leaving me with a cliff hanger and then starting off with the image of a big blood dripping bubble I needed a break. The image of Doctorex almost stepping into the fire was the perfect touch. Now we have the start of another mystery. Am wondering why she needs to enter the new realm. Nicely done. as always a pleasure to read.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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You are your usual perceptive self, Gretchen. Your deep read into this makes you deserving of a "Thumbs Up". I wish I had one to give you. If I haven't already given you one this month, I'll definitely put your name on the list of those to give one to next month. Your intelligence and understanding are certainly deserving. Thank you!
Comment from c_lucas
Man seek answers when he should ignore the questions. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Man seek answers when he should ignore the questions. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very interesting read.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Always the Philosopher, Charlie! LOL. THank you for being a part of this adventure.
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You're welcome, Jay. Charlie.
Comment from Liandra
Hi Jay,
Your writing pulled me directly into the picture. The description of the Pomnot, in my eyes, is horrendous. I see a huge monster with a huge jaw and jagged fangs. The dialogue is excellent - flows well.
The membrane makes me shudder to think that's all that protects them.
I wish I had six stars left, because this chapter deserves more than a five stars.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Hi Jay,
Your writing pulled me directly into the picture. The description of the Pomnot, in my eyes, is horrendous. I see a huge monster with a huge jaw and jagged fangs. The dialogue is excellent - flows well.
The membrane makes me shudder to think that's all that protects them.
I wish I had six stars left, because this chapter deserves more than a five stars.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Liandra, your kind words and the fact that you've gotten into the work enough that I'm thinking you'll be around a while is worth 7 stars. Thank you, dear friend.
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You're so welcome.
Thanks for the 7stars!!!
Hugs,
Liandra
Comment from Tina McKala
Aww, Jay, this was a great chapter! So many answers, even more new questions (mainly because of the end).
You made me laugh a few times and I'm also intrigued by the sprouting romantic feelings on his side.
Very good visuals throughout the whole chapter, I was maybe only lacking a description of their surroundings a little (at the beginning I wasn't sure if they are hiding actually - and you forgot to tell us- or not, I know it was explained later on that they were not, because they were in fact safe as they were, but it made me wonder a bit more than it should - so just a small hint that they still were on a plain under the membrane and not luckily and accidentaly hidden behind a bush/under a tree/behind something that would make it impossible for the pomnots to see them).
Some of the THINGS I LOVED:
I had to agree with her that the scientific environment I set for the experiment might have been a little flawed. // made me laughed!
"It was first watching the vicious beast propelled by the skin, flying through the air and into the fog. I was imagining the other Pomnots in there with him laughing like I was, until they could hardly breathe. How funny was his little experiment?" // this was awesome!
And thank you for his questions at the end, I already thought I was missing something lol :D - so this is a sign that it is all well written because the reader gets answers exactly when he needs them â?¢??
SUGGESTIONS (use or ignore, the writing is awesome as it is, these are just my small observations, so ignore when you don't agree with them, I'm not an editor, just a layman reader):
A] My breath immediately left me.
"Oh, my God!" I whispered when I got my breath back //
(1) I love the first line! (keep it!)
(2) "Oh, my God!" I whispered // if he whispered, he probably didn't exclaim, so I'd remove the exclamation mark, it would be more intense (just my opinion)
(3) BREATH left me - I got my BREATH back - repetition - I'd reword the second sentence, because then in her following line you again use "breathing" (her breathing shallow and rapid)
B] I studied the thin, ... // really just a thing for you to think about, because this is a nit-pick. I'd delete "I studied" - the story or description wouldn't lose anything and I imho it would become more powerful, your POV is strong, we will know that this is what the narrator is looking at if he describes it. (this is all just because yesterday I stuck with articles about POV and ways to deepen it and now I think I see this camera at a narrator's shoulder zooming in and out everywhere lol) (and if you want to emphasize that he stared at the picture horrified, terrified, petrified, I'd put it after this description, it would mirror the reader's feelings. Btw. the description was awesome!).
And some also might argue that he wouldn't have time/composure to actually "study" it, because of the shock, fear of the unknown etc.
C] On the other side of this MEMBRANE, where a sulfurous yellow fog drifted and swirled about, an enormous reddish-brown object throbbed against the MEMBRANE. // repetition
D] There were no female Pomnots!" she repeated emphatically.
"Well, that can't be!" // if she "repeated emphatically", would she scream? I'd remove the exclamation mark in her speech. His exclamation is questionable, but can stay, it paints an emotion (frustration) which I can imagine in his respond.
E] She closed her eyes as if to organize her thoughts, and I stoked the fire while she ordered her words. // I know there is a slight difference between "organize thoughts" and "order words," but it kind of creates a repetition to me, especially if used in one sentence.
F] She retuned an incongruous smile. // typo: RETURNED
G] urged me to put my hand on her, to touch her[.] The reaction // just a missing period in the square brackets
H] She was able to sit up straight again. I could see she was struggling to keep her face serious // to avoid "I could see" (a modal verb and again my POV issue â?¢?? ) delete this and for example join the sentences together: She was able to sit up straight, though she struggled to keep her face serious. (or something like that, wording is up to you, this is just to give you an idea)
I] "I'm sorry,["] she said, and then her mouth spread into a grin.[add space]"[delete space]But, but, you should have ..." She started [laughing?] again and recovered. // just typos emphasized in the square brackets and a missing word
J] I told her I didn't. // doesn't really fit (imho) - it would sound better if it were a direct speech, or keep it a narration, but only the second part: "I didn't." (delete "I told her")
K] I saw the bear-sized former owner's carcass lying grotesquely on its side with gaping chest cavity. // this is from the description of the pomnots, but I missed it while doing the list for the first time -- I'd delete the "I saw" - it is obvious and the description doesn't need it (and if you do this, then don't forget to change LYING into LAY)
LOL, this review is probably longer than some of the posts/"chapters" on FS, so I should finish. To sum it up: great job and the story develops very well!
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Aww, Jay, this was a great chapter! So many answers, even more new questions (mainly because of the end).
You made me laugh a few times and I'm also intrigued by the sprouting romantic feelings on his side.
Very good visuals throughout the whole chapter, I was maybe only lacking a description of their surroundings a little (at the beginning I wasn't sure if they are hiding actually - and you forgot to tell us- or not, I know it was explained later on that they were not, because they were in fact safe as they were, but it made me wonder a bit more than it should - so just a small hint that they still were on a plain under the membrane and not luckily and accidentaly hidden behind a bush/under a tree/behind something that would make it impossible for the pomnots to see them).
Some of the THINGS I LOVED:
I had to agree with her that the scientific environment I set for the experiment might have been a little flawed. // made me laughed!
"It was first watching the vicious beast propelled by the skin, flying through the air and into the fog. I was imagining the other Pomnots in there with him laughing like I was, until they could hardly breathe. How funny was his little experiment?" // this was awesome!
And thank you for his questions at the end, I already thought I was missing something lol :D - so this is a sign that it is all well written because the reader gets answers exactly when he needs them â?¢??
SUGGESTIONS (use or ignore, the writing is awesome as it is, these are just my small observations, so ignore when you don't agree with them, I'm not an editor, just a layman reader):
A] My breath immediately left me.
"Oh, my God!" I whispered when I got my breath back //
(1) I love the first line! (keep it!)
(2) "Oh, my God!" I whispered // if he whispered, he probably didn't exclaim, so I'd remove the exclamation mark, it would be more intense (just my opinion)
(3) BREATH left me - I got my BREATH back - repetition - I'd reword the second sentence, because then in her following line you again use "breathing" (her breathing shallow and rapid)
B] I studied the thin, ... // really just a thing for you to think about, because this is a nit-pick. I'd delete "I studied" - the story or description wouldn't lose anything and I imho it would become more powerful, your POV is strong, we will know that this is what the narrator is looking at if he describes it. (this is all just because yesterday I stuck with articles about POV and ways to deepen it and now I think I see this camera at a narrator's shoulder zooming in and out everywhere lol) (and if you want to emphasize that he stared at the picture horrified, terrified, petrified, I'd put it after this description, it would mirror the reader's feelings. Btw. the description was awesome!).
And some also might argue that he wouldn't have time/composure to actually "study" it, because of the shock, fear of the unknown etc.
C] On the other side of this MEMBRANE, where a sulfurous yellow fog drifted and swirled about, an enormous reddish-brown object throbbed against the MEMBRANE. // repetition
D] There were no female Pomnots!" she repeated emphatically.
"Well, that can't be!" // if she "repeated emphatically", would she scream? I'd remove the exclamation mark in her speech. His exclamation is questionable, but can stay, it paints an emotion (frustration) which I can imagine in his respond.
E] She closed her eyes as if to organize her thoughts, and I stoked the fire while she ordered her words. // I know there is a slight difference between "organize thoughts" and "order words," but it kind of creates a repetition to me, especially if used in one sentence.
F] She retuned an incongruous smile. // typo: RETURNED
G] urged me to put my hand on her, to touch her[.] The reaction // just a missing period in the square brackets
H] She was able to sit up straight again. I could see she was struggling to keep her face serious // to avoid "I could see" (a modal verb and again my POV issue â?¢?? ) delete this and for example join the sentences together: She was able to sit up straight, though she struggled to keep her face serious. (or something like that, wording is up to you, this is just to give you an idea)
I] "I'm sorry,["] she said, and then her mouth spread into a grin.[add space]"[delete space]But, but, you should have ..." She started [laughing?] again and recovered. // just typos emphasized in the square brackets and a missing word
J] I told her I didn't. // doesn't really fit (imho) - it would sound better if it were a direct speech, or keep it a narration, but only the second part: "I didn't." (delete "I told her")
K] I saw the bear-sized former owner's carcass lying grotesquely on its side with gaping chest cavity. // this is from the description of the pomnots, but I missed it while doing the list for the first time -- I'd delete the "I saw" - it is obvious and the description doesn't need it (and if you do this, then don't forget to change LYING into LAY)
LOL, this review is probably longer than some of the posts/"chapters" on FS, so I should finish. To sum it up: great job and the story develops very well!
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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My God, Tina. I want you to be sitting behind me as I write, whispering over my shoulder when I'm repeating something, or left out a period, or something. Just a "Uh-huh" or a tap on the shoulder and a shaking of your head when I turn around will be enough. You are so GOOD at what you do! I'll do the next best thing and print this into my folder and when the post drops, I'll make most all the changes. Again, my humble thanks! You are already on my list for "THumbs up" when I get a fresh supply.
Comment from roshnishaikh
"when we encounter the dark force..." - Keeps me interested and intrigued. The concept is very new to me. Something very different that is definitely appealing. Waiting for what happens next. Also, please let me know what "The Pomnots" means :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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"when we encounter the dark force..." - Keeps me interested and intrigued. The concept is very new to me. Something very different that is definitely appealing. Waiting for what happens next. Also, please let me know what "The Pomnots" means :)
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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THanks for visiting. Come back again.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Jay, this is the weirdest thing I have ever read. You sure do have an imagination. Shows great creativity. Good writing, too.
Why does she need to go thru to the other side? Isn't that suicide?
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Jay, this is the weirdest thing I have ever read. You sure do have an imagination. Shows great creativity. Good writing, too.
Why does she need to go thru to the other side? Isn't that suicide?
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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We'll see! Thank you for coming aboard, Phyllis. It gets even weirder next chapter.
Comment from dreamin'
You've done it again. I either need to get a life, or this is that good of a story. (And since I have a life, it is that good!)
Few notes:
"That's the first productive question you've asked." While fine as straight dialogue, I expected this statement to end in a smirk or "said with a note of sarcasm," or something, that elicits a quick reaction from Doc.
"Pom, dark; not, force." Excellent way to describe something foreign without excessive word use!
"Exactly," she said, getting exited (excited). "Now we're on a productive course." Since "productive" was used just a short while earlier, maybe change this to helpful, practical, constructive, or some other word.
"...a power display by the cognitive part of our plane." I don't know why, but I love the sound of cognitive part of our plane.
Leaping to my feet and shaking my arms wildly toward the skin... Oh my God! This guy is so male human! It hurt to read this. :) And I am so glad that Axtilla responded as she did.
"...I don't have any choice: I have to go through to the other side!" Jay, you have perfected ending the chapter on a page-turner-sentence.
I can't remember the last time I read something so original (except for Mike Battaglia). I sincerely hope you are looking to publish this. I will already know the story, but I would buy it!
Debbie
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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You've done it again. I either need to get a life, or this is that good of a story. (And since I have a life, it is that good!)
Few notes:
"That's the first productive question you've asked." While fine as straight dialogue, I expected this statement to end in a smirk or "said with a note of sarcasm," or something, that elicits a quick reaction from Doc.
"Pom, dark; not, force." Excellent way to describe something foreign without excessive word use!
"Exactly," she said, getting exited (excited). "Now we're on a productive course." Since "productive" was used just a short while earlier, maybe change this to helpful, practical, constructive, or some other word.
"...a power display by the cognitive part of our plane." I don't know why, but I love the sound of cognitive part of our plane.
Leaping to my feet and shaking my arms wildly toward the skin... Oh my God! This guy is so male human! It hurt to read this. :) And I am so glad that Axtilla responded as she did.
"...I don't have any choice: I have to go through to the other side!" Jay, you have perfected ending the chapter on a page-turner-sentence.
I can't remember the last time I read something so original (except for Mike Battaglia). I sincerely hope you are looking to publish this. I will already know the story, but I would buy it!
Debbie
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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You're on, Debbie! I publish, you buy! And, I'll sign it. Thank you for your encouragement. I think you'll find next chapter (though longer -- much longer!) to have a pageturner ending better than this. Oh! I just noticed you gave me a 6! Whoa! Thank you, Debbie. I'll go in and fix the misspell, thank you, but wait until the post drops to look into the other matter. Makes good sense, though.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Thanks for the pleasure of another enjoyable chapter of your story. The Pomnots unable to penetrate the skin was a relief, but now we know that Axtilla will have to go through to the other side, which leave us wanting information. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Thanks for the pleasure of another enjoyable chapter of your story. The Pomnots unable to penetrate the skin was a relief, but now we know that Axtilla will have to go through to the other side, which leave us wanting information. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Thank you Ric. There'll be some twists and turns next chapter. Hope to have you back.
Comment from Ritsal
My friend, you get a six for creativity. Your imagination appears boundless. The Pomnots are scary and hold my interest as I am kept on edge wondering if they can break through the membrane. And, now Axtilla has to go to the other side. Whatever for, and will our protagonist go with her? Great job.
Best wishes,
Rita
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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My friend, you get a six for creativity. Your imagination appears boundless. The Pomnots are scary and hold my interest as I am kept on edge wondering if they can break through the membrane. And, now Axtilla has to go to the other side. Whatever for, and will our protagonist go with her? Great job.
Best wishes,
Rita
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Rita, Rita, Rita! Thank you so much for your confidence and encouragement. I think you're gonna like what happens next as well! I just love having you along for the ride.
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I love reading a well paced story and one that doesn't require warning signs. I read one of those today and can't get the graphic violence out of my mind.
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay,
first very good summary well done
I like your very clear description of the weird creatures you named Pomnot.
Gert
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Hello Jay,
first very good summary well done
I like your very clear description of the weird creatures you named Pomnot.
Gert
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Hey, Gert! I'm glad you could drop by again and that you enjoyed this chapter.
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Smiles to you Jay
Gert