Blind Faith As a Fault
Non Fiction-Contest Entry25 total reviews
Comment from nelliesellie
I love the story . You had the faith and then waited. You had faith and it paid off. This is not negative towards your wife. Getting rid of an addiction is something to be proud of. Great work for you and your wife.
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I love the story . You had the faith and then waited. You had faith and it paid off. This is not negative towards your wife. Getting rid of an addiction is something to be proud of. Great work for you and your wife.
Comment Written 03-May-2014
Comment from Spiritual Echo
Michael, I do drop in when you write stand-alone stories or essays, as I recognized early that you have a quirky personality and a slightly slanted view on life.
You've made a lot of friends on this site through your personal charm and natural story-telling abilities. Your replies to reviews are intimate and personal. You take the time, and people respond.
That's a wonderful side benefit and I too have developed some meaningful associations that I treasure, but sometimes these same people give me far too much slack in writing because they consider themselves friends, and 'get' what I'm trying to say.
I'm going to respond to as both a supporter and an editor. Ready?
I think this would be greatly improved if you began with the third paragraph, the dialogue between you and your wife. It would get to the heart of the essay. Should you quit writing? Well first of all, let's admit you can't. Not because you're the kind of person that never gives up, but writers have it in their veins. To stop writing is suicidal.
Your music career is part of the whole, not a separate file folder, and writing is a natural part of that extension. Do you know how many people on this site also paint or are involved in a creative venture? Tons my friend--tons. We have creative natures that beg to be expressed.
You completely veer off your topic. You could get away with that if you brought it home at the end of the essay by saying that you never gave up on her, and you won't give up on yourself. Then add a statement about what it means to you--but you didn't. You moved from a very lengthy intro into the story of your feelings for your wife.
Take another look at your two opening paragraphs. You begin--the first two sentences start with the word 'many.' As does the first word of the second paragraph. Repetition can be an effective tool, but it set the mood for a wistful, and I will say detached tone in the essay.
"Many say that never giving up at some point becomes foolish. Many think..." (And by the way, it's dangerous to surmise you KNOW what others think.)
"Many a spouse has..." PARAGRAPH TWO
(Many) say that never giving up at some point becomes foolish. Many think that a life is wasted wishin' and hopin'. How many husbands or wives support a dreamer until either the day they leave or the day they die? Or, perhaps you find this article a waste of your time, Mrs. Spielberg.
Is it time for my wife to tell me, "Honey, I don't think you are going to write the next great American Novel.
(I) didn't think so.(") (BEGINNING NEW PARAGRAPH) I'm stubborn.( TRY--I CANT, NO I OWN'T QUIT NOW.) (SBRUPT CHANGE IN THE ESSAY--YOU WERE TLKING ABOUT YOUR WRITING AND KA-BOOM YOU STARTED TO TALK ABOUT HER. THIS GIVES THE IMPRESSION THAT THE BEST DEFENCE IS AN OFFENCE.) I still thought she would realize that she had to become sober to have a real life. I still thought that she would realize this. I am stubborn
Try turning sentences inside out. There are a couple of paragraphs that are riddled with 'I.' sometimes it's hard to avoid, but when in doubt, hi-lite every 'I' in the story to visually see how you have over-used the pronoun.
Add to that issue that you suddenly slip into third person talking about the how and why the marriage occurred and what sustains it. That's a complete change of POV.
Writing about a relationship of his own in third person is a trick only used when the writer wants to make the scene clinical. In that case, to do it effectively a writer must remove his own personal thoughts and look at it as if examining it through a microscope. That didn't happen here. You wanted to stay emotionally attached. In its current form, it comes across as a doctor talking about his wife's ailments or needs, yet insists that he is better informed, because he's the doctor.
The doctor is a metaphor for the narrator's role, but you blurred that by taking the side of the husband and equating your position of authority/impersonal observer with the character's involvement.
Introducing characters without purpose and leaving them dangling leaves questions in a reader's mind. what relevance did your wife's grandmother have in this essay? Yes, you may have supported her, another example of selflessness and never giving up, but it doesn't matter. The theme of your essay was essentially, never giving up, and she doesn't play any factor in this story.
What I do believe you need more than anything is an editor. I'd like to think that you spend as much time--at least--editing your work before you post.
Writing is easy if you are blessed with a gift. Editing is brutal. Every word is NOT your love child and sometimes entire paragraphs need to be pushed into a junk pile. It's painful, hard, gritty work.
Without responding (by editing) to each review that offers suggestions) your ideas will continue to flow across the page, but your skill-set, the technical aspects will remain stagnant.
There are professional editors and we have several here on site who accept work--a pay-as-you play plan. Rama Devi is an excellent editor and I'm told she is very reasonable.
Surprisingly, if I told you the names of some of the people she does work for, you'd be stunned and wonder why people of such high caliber would pay for editing. It's an easy answer. Everybody, absolutely everyone needs an editor. Fresh eyes and someone with an elevated technical talent can help a writer enormously.
Now if you're writing for fun, forget all I've said. If you want to write that great American novel, I'm sincerely suggesting you need to put more time into courses, editing and accepting the disciplines of writing.
I personally think you've got tremendous potential; to become whatever kind of writer you choose to be, but think about this, especially at this time of year. Every time you see a beautiful cherry tree in bloom and stop to admire the delicate blossoms, know that somebody had to dig the hole and nurture the tree for it to bloom. It didn't just happen. The tree was nurtured. ingrid
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Michael, I do drop in when you write stand-alone stories or essays, as I recognized early that you have a quirky personality and a slightly slanted view on life.
You've made a lot of friends on this site through your personal charm and natural story-telling abilities. Your replies to reviews are intimate and personal. You take the time, and people respond.
That's a wonderful side benefit and I too have developed some meaningful associations that I treasure, but sometimes these same people give me far too much slack in writing because they consider themselves friends, and 'get' what I'm trying to say.
I'm going to respond to as both a supporter and an editor. Ready?
I think this would be greatly improved if you began with the third paragraph, the dialogue between you and your wife. It would get to the heart of the essay. Should you quit writing? Well first of all, let's admit you can't. Not because you're the kind of person that never gives up, but writers have it in their veins. To stop writing is suicidal.
Your music career is part of the whole, not a separate file folder, and writing is a natural part of that extension. Do you know how many people on this site also paint or are involved in a creative venture? Tons my friend--tons. We have creative natures that beg to be expressed.
You completely veer off your topic. You could get away with that if you brought it home at the end of the essay by saying that you never gave up on her, and you won't give up on yourself. Then add a statement about what it means to you--but you didn't. You moved from a very lengthy intro into the story of your feelings for your wife.
Take another look at your two opening paragraphs. You begin--the first two sentences start with the word 'many.' As does the first word of the second paragraph. Repetition can be an effective tool, but it set the mood for a wistful, and I will say detached tone in the essay.
"Many say that never giving up at some point becomes foolish. Many think..." (And by the way, it's dangerous to surmise you KNOW what others think.)
"Many a spouse has..." PARAGRAPH TWO
(Many) say that never giving up at some point becomes foolish. Many think that a life is wasted wishin' and hopin'. How many husbands or wives support a dreamer until either the day they leave or the day they die? Or, perhaps you find this article a waste of your time, Mrs. Spielberg.
Is it time for my wife to tell me, "Honey, I don't think you are going to write the next great American Novel.
(I) didn't think so.(") (BEGINNING NEW PARAGRAPH) I'm stubborn.( TRY--I CANT, NO I OWN'T QUIT NOW.) (SBRUPT CHANGE IN THE ESSAY--YOU WERE TLKING ABOUT YOUR WRITING AND KA-BOOM YOU STARTED TO TALK ABOUT HER. THIS GIVES THE IMPRESSION THAT THE BEST DEFENCE IS AN OFFENCE.) I still thought she would realize that she had to become sober to have a real life. I still thought that she would realize this. I am stubborn
Try turning sentences inside out. There are a couple of paragraphs that are riddled with 'I.' sometimes it's hard to avoid, but when in doubt, hi-lite every 'I' in the story to visually see how you have over-used the pronoun.
Add to that issue that you suddenly slip into third person talking about the how and why the marriage occurred and what sustains it. That's a complete change of POV.
Writing about a relationship of his own in third person is a trick only used when the writer wants to make the scene clinical. In that case, to do it effectively a writer must remove his own personal thoughts and look at it as if examining it through a microscope. That didn't happen here. You wanted to stay emotionally attached. In its current form, it comes across as a doctor talking about his wife's ailments or needs, yet insists that he is better informed, because he's the doctor.
The doctor is a metaphor for the narrator's role, but you blurred that by taking the side of the husband and equating your position of authority/impersonal observer with the character's involvement.
Introducing characters without purpose and leaving them dangling leaves questions in a reader's mind. what relevance did your wife's grandmother have in this essay? Yes, you may have supported her, another example of selflessness and never giving up, but it doesn't matter. The theme of your essay was essentially, never giving up, and she doesn't play any factor in this story.
What I do believe you need more than anything is an editor. I'd like to think that you spend as much time--at least--editing your work before you post.
Writing is easy if you are blessed with a gift. Editing is brutal. Every word is NOT your love child and sometimes entire paragraphs need to be pushed into a junk pile. It's painful, hard, gritty work.
Without responding (by editing) to each review that offers suggestions) your ideas will continue to flow across the page, but your skill-set, the technical aspects will remain stagnant.
There are professional editors and we have several here on site who accept work--a pay-as-you play plan. Rama Devi is an excellent editor and I'm told she is very reasonable.
Surprisingly, if I told you the names of some of the people she does work for, you'd be stunned and wonder why people of such high caliber would pay for editing. It's an easy answer. Everybody, absolutely everyone needs an editor. Fresh eyes and someone with an elevated technical talent can help a writer enormously.
Now if you're writing for fun, forget all I've said. If you want to write that great American novel, I'm sincerely suggesting you need to put more time into courses, editing and accepting the disciplines of writing.
I personally think you've got tremendous potential; to become whatever kind of writer you choose to be, but think about this, especially at this time of year. Every time you see a beautiful cherry tree in bloom and stop to admire the delicate blossoms, know that somebody had to dig the hole and nurture the tree for it to bloom. It didn't just happen. The tree was nurtured. ingrid
Comment Written 03-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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Hi! Always nice and informative to hear from you. It's funny, but I do get a strange feeling when what I'm writing is off the mark. I had a sense of all that you are saying. I was planning to write about something else and it turned into a different piece about halfway through. I do listen to the reviews and edit quit a bit. I'm getting better and better at deleting sentences and paragraphs where I at one time could hardly delete a word. I am planning to start work with Rama Devi in June hopefully. Very exciting. As you realize, I know nothing. So, a friendly face is comforting! I have so many bad habits. It seems when I concentrate on a couple of them another one sneaks in! "I" is one I lapse into a lot. I copied this into word and printed it two days ago. Great information for this piece and in general. I am so buried now I don't know what to do. I know moving forward that I think for me, I have to simply dive in. I doubt I will ever know what I am doing before hand. Hahaha. So, I think If I want to publish than I should just do that and learn as I go. I know there are people here that are recommended by people I trust. The people I have contacted so far off site seem like shysters! So, it isn't easy to find the right situation it appears. As always, I appreciate all your help and advice. I listen intently and try to take action. I think that at some point soon I best stop writing so much and pick something and perfect it. I don't want to end up with another bookcase full of work that I can't figure out what to do with. I still have that. Now, I am starting a second one. mikey
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I'll answer by PM.
Comment from nordicgirl
A candid piece. Your ability to go from hilarity to poignancy at the drop of a hat is amazing. It is what makes you so readable. The element of surprise always has me on the edge of my seat. You always deliver. NG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
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A candid piece. Your ability to go from hilarity to poignancy at the drop of a hat is amazing. It is what makes you so readable. The element of surprise always has me on the edge of my seat. You always deliver. NG
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-May-2014
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Very interesting piece. You have a job, and you can write in spare time, so no problem; you can have it all! :)
Taco Bell is hiring. << LOL!
>> too soon insures failure
Wrong word... you want ENSURES, with an E.
>> success remained possible
REMAINS, with S, to match the tense
>> Perhaps being thrust in a position
INTO, not IN
>> musician *** let's say thirty years ago
Need punctuation there
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
|
Very interesting piece. You have a job, and you can write in spare time, so no problem; you can have it all! :)
Taco Bell is hiring. << LOL!
>> too soon insures failure
Wrong word... you want ENSURES, with an E.
>> success remained possible
REMAINS, with S, to match the tense
>> Perhaps being thrust in a position
INTO, not IN
>> musician *** let's say thirty years ago
Need punctuation there
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 03-May-2014
Comment from Nosha17
That was an excellent piece of prose, the sincerity shone through. If you read the poem I dedicated to my son, posted recently, we share the same blind faith and awareness that certain people are set apart, I even used those lines in my poem. You could say that great minds think alike. I admire your faith and obvious love for your wife, your faith never foundered. Kudos to you and her both. As to your writing future, I can predict a good outcome. The modesty and humility are the good traits that can be fruitful, so, here's wishing you all the best in contest and in your literary career. Don't forget to read my lines on Ireland, you will enjoy and want to visit, especially when you have made your millions, I am not joking, either. Faye
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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That was an excellent piece of prose, the sincerity shone through. If you read the poem I dedicated to my son, posted recently, we share the same blind faith and awareness that certain people are set apart, I even used those lines in my poem. You could say that great minds think alike. I admire your faith and obvious love for your wife, your faith never foundered. Kudos to you and her both. As to your writing future, I can predict a good outcome. The modesty and humility are the good traits that can be fruitful, so, here's wishing you all the best in contest and in your literary career. Don't forget to read my lines on Ireland, you will enjoy and want to visit, especially when you have made your millions, I am not joking, either. Faye
Comment Written 03-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Hi. I'm so humbled and pleased by these kind and encouraging words. I am terribly behind. But, I wanted to pop up and say hello and thank you kindly for this great praise. I do have both of your pieces on my schedule and won't miss them. Know that I always read these with excitement and smiles even if it takes me a year to respond!!! Thank you so much, mikey
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You are most welcome, glad I made your day! I tell my son all the time to have faith as I have a feeling about these things. I even think I might make it. I told the man in the bank the other day, that he will have to reconsider his attitude towards me when I make my millions!!! He thought I was joking!!! Go and have some rest! Faye