Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 41 "The Dark Of the Moon"A book of Poetry & Writing
134 total reviews
Comment from visionary1234
An interesting point-of-view you've chosen to write with here, deepwater - a dead soldier watching his own funeral. I enjoyed all your near-rhyming/half-rhyming - makes the verse more interesting! I found "The flag she is lowered" to be a bit awkward though ... may I suggest "The flag is now lowered" instead? same rhythm, less contrived wordage?? Just a thought!
:)Sharyn
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
  |
An interesting point-of-view you've chosen to write with here, deepwater - a dead soldier watching his own funeral. I enjoyed all your near-rhyming/half-rhyming - makes the verse more interesting! I found "The flag she is lowered" to be a bit awkward though ... may I suggest "The flag is now lowered" instead? same rhythm, less contrived wordage?? Just a thought!
:)Sharyn
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
-
Thank you
Comment from Irish Rain
Aw, so tenderly sad! Especially the last line, ...'the flag she is lowered to complete my deploy'...beautiful, and the picture is so apt...Blessings...Judy
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
|
Aw, so tenderly sad! Especially the last line, ...'the flag she is lowered to complete my deploy'...beautiful, and the picture is so apt...Blessings...Judy
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
-
Thank you
Comment from Dom G Robles
This, to me, is an outstanding piece. I like the theme, the picture portrays it well. Very melancholic. The rhyme and rhythm is excellent. The voice of the soldier entombed
is reverberating. Also, the ceremony as the soldier is finally laid to rest is touching. And the poem flowed freely.
My sincere congratulations. Dom
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
 |
This, to me, is an outstanding piece. I like the theme, the picture portrays it well. Very melancholic. The rhyme and rhythm is excellent. The voice of the soldier entombed
is reverberating. Also, the ceremony as the soldier is finally laid to rest is touching. And the poem flowed freely.
My sincere congratulations. Dom
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
-
Again thanks Dom
Comment from GWHARGIS
There probably is no sadder song than taps. I remember when it was played at my father's funeral. Great emotion in this. The line about six of my brother carrying me to my final resting place was heartbreaking. Beautifully written.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
|
There probably is no sadder song than taps. I remember when it was played at my father's funeral. Great emotion in this. The line about six of my brother carrying me to my final resting place was heartbreaking. Beautifully written.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
-
Thank you
Comment from Karen B.
Such a beautiful tribute to a fallen soldier. The imagery of being carried to the final resting place by those six brothers-in-arms as taps is played is so heartfelt and sad. "The flag she is lowered to complete my deploy." Wow. Just about perfect.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
|
Such a beautiful tribute to a fallen soldier. The imagery of being carried to the final resting place by those six brothers-in-arms as taps is played is so heartfelt and sad. "The flag she is lowered to complete my deploy." Wow. Just about perfect.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
-
Thank you for this
Gary
Comment from Zue65
You have written a haunting poem on leaving and departing from earth as we all travel to our eternal destination with our Creator. The poem flowed smoothly although the last two lines are a bit forced. God bless.
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
|
You have written a haunting poem on leaving and departing from earth as we all travel to our eternal destination with our Creator. The poem flowed smoothly although the last two lines are a bit forced. God bless.
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
-
Thank you
Comment from flylikeaneagle
30 July 2014
Deepwater: I am so amazed at your awesome poem and memorial of the honored. The bugles blow and I still cry for my father. May everyone know God's Grace and see Jesus face. Well written and terrific photo message.
flylikeaneagle
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
|
30 July 2014
Deepwater: I am so amazed at your awesome poem and memorial of the honored. The bugles blow and I still cry for my father. May everyone know God's Grace and see Jesus face. Well written and terrific photo message.
flylikeaneagle
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
-
Thank you for this
Gary
Comment from Lena Borghi
Hello deepwater,
This is a very evocative poem. Writing it in the voice of the departing soldier gives it a very solemn feel and is very effective. Most of the rhymes are excellent.
I have a couple of suggestions. One is that you try to find al alternate way to end the last line for a more effective rhyme, but especially because you have already ended line six with the same word, "deploy."
The other suggestion is that the poem keeps excellent rhythm (despite the slight variation in the number of syllables in each line), up until the last three lines and then it trips with lines that are much longer. It is more noticeable when you read the poem out load. A little word economy in those last three lines to keep the rhythm and an alternate end word for the last line would have made this a six for me.
Nice work with a very worthy theme.
Best,
Lena
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
|
Hello deepwater,
This is a very evocative poem. Writing it in the voice of the departing soldier gives it a very solemn feel and is very effective. Most of the rhymes are excellent.
I have a couple of suggestions. One is that you try to find al alternate way to end the last line for a more effective rhyme, but especially because you have already ended line six with the same word, "deploy."
The other suggestion is that the poem keeps excellent rhythm (despite the slight variation in the number of syllables in each line), up until the last three lines and then it trips with lines that are much longer. It is more noticeable when you read the poem out load. A little word economy in those last three lines to keep the rhythm and an alternate end word for the last line would have made this a six for me.
Nice work with a very worthy theme.
Best,
Lena
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
-
Thank you
Comment from elpsog
When the heart is touched by the sentiment of this great work of art for the men in uniform there are no words of praise good enough to give it the honor it is do. Nevertheless I thank you for its doing.
Ray
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
|
When the heart is touched by the sentiment of this great work of art for the men in uniform there are no words of praise good enough to give it the honor it is do. Nevertheless I thank you for its doing.
Ray
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
-
thanks Ray
Comment from Loren (7)
Sorry, but out of sixes. However, this is so deserving of the rewards it has received. It put ones into the very soul of a soldier - not even frightened in death, but ready for the next deployment. Great job - Loren
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
|
Sorry, but out of sixes. However, this is so deserving of the rewards it has received. It put ones into the very soul of a soldier - not even frightened in death, but ready for the next deployment. Great job - Loren
Comment Written 30-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 30-Jul-2014
-
thanks Loren
