Comment from Spitfire

Excellent

Locals say the poppin', sizzlin' sounds of fire and burning flesh could be heard and smelled from far off. --pay close attention to that sentence.

Mannequins in bubble wrap--I love to pop that stuff.
But then it shouldn't cause an orange glow or the small of smoke.

A clever write with a nice contrast between the party of new management going on at the same time of the guard's dilemma. Looks like history will repeat itself minus the people.
Great description of the fire and people freaking out.
A touch of your gruesome humor too.

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thank you for taking the time to read and comment on the story, Shari. It's the first story I've decided to write in quite some time. Perhaps I'm a little rusty.
Much obliged for the review.
~Dean

Comment from TheWriteTeach

Exceptional

Dean-
This piece is awesome. There might be a lot more here if we look below the surface. Perhaps Charlie Munchausen has a few things going on that are not in clear view. Do we have 'the name game' going on where Charlie is true to his Munchausen name? He could be misleading the reader by making up the stories about the children suffering in the fire. Do we know for sure that Charlie didn't cause the fire the year before; knowing that people would be trapped and burned alive? Or could this be a case of the unreliable narrator, such as Poe was so fond of using? Charlie certainly seems to be a bitter worker. We learn this when he complains about not getting a Christmas bonus or turkey. Maybe he wants to get back at them by spinning a creepy tale. He could easily be deliberately misleading the reader or twisting the facts by not giving us the whole truth. Remember folks, the narrator is telling the story and can lead us down any path he/she wishes. I think Charlie needs some more investigating before I make up my mind. I strongly suspect, Dean, you didn't give Charlie his last name just for the heck of it.

Excellent writing, my friend.
Suzanne

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

You're very perceptive, Suzzane, and you're also the only one who has picked up on this. I tip my hat and commend you for reading between the lines a little, as readers should do when reading flash fiction, but is not always the case.

My intent, and what I'd hoped to get across, was the Charlie did indeed start those fires the year before. That's why he can recant the details of the story so precisely. Not everyone would be made privy to the information Charlie had, especially not a part-time security guard and salesman.

Hats off to you for your perceptiveness. I just wonder if anyone else will pick up on the hidden meanings as well as you have.

Thank you for the generous six star rating as well. That was the just icing on an already sweet cake, so to speak.

~Dean ;)

reply by TheWriteTeach on 08-Dec-2015

I was leaning heavily toward it all being the name game,but knowing that you are just as much a Poe fanatic as I am, I kinda thought maybe Charlie was lying, trying to make himself a bigwig, pretending to know all the details. I was right, you did use Munchausen for a reason. lol

You are right, people don't read between the lines. I don't know if they are too lazy to look and do some figuring, or if they were never taught how to do it. I wrote a piece a few years back and never named my protagonist. I did it on purpose because she had no identity. I did not come out and say it. There were plenty of hints between the lines and even foreshadowing. Needless to say, not one person got it, and I was critized over and over for using a pronoun for my girl rather than a noun. I was so discouraged that I never did anything with the piece. Although I think it's pretty good.

reply by the author on 08-Dec-2015

Yep, Munchausen syndrome by proxy, Suzanne. As you well know, It'is a mental illness and a form of child abuse. The caretaker of a child, usually a mother, either makes up fake symptoms or causes real symptoms to make it look like the child is sick. Charlie just set his victims on fire. He needed to feel important so he did so by being able to tell tall tales about the incident, as well as having some pertinent details many might not know.

It's a shame about your story. Hopefully I was not one who reviewed and didn't catch it. I usually try very hard to read between the lines, and write that way too, most times.

Puzzles are great, and figuring things out is fun for me. Ever played the game Clue? I'm a master at that game, lol. :)

reply by TheWriteTeach on 08-Dec-2015

Excuse me, my dear friend, but I am the grand master of Clue. Well, that was until we lost Colonel Mustard. Now we don't play. Second, I never posted my story on FS. I guess I figured it was flawed or something. And third, I had a student years ago who was Munchausen by Proxy. The mother was always coming up with some new ailment for her daughter. The daughter always ended up believing the new ailment and the poor thing had many surgeries that were not needed. The school tried to step in and do something about it but legally our hands were tied.

If you're ever over my way, bring the Clue board and we'll have a play off.

reply by the author on 08-Dec-2015

You got it, Suzanne, will do. I have an old one, with all of the pieces still in tact.

I'm kind'a OCD about my games, lol.
~Dean :)

Comment from frogbook

Excellent

Now that's the ole dean we know and love, gone and scared us even for Christmas. On second thought, what better present. Thanks Mr. Dean.

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thanks, JoAnn. I'm glad you liked it.
~Dean

Comment from OnyxSapphire78

Excellent

Very interesting! This made me think of The Twilight Zone. It felt old fashioned and creepy. Charlie's character was well developed, I could sense who he was. Mannequins are creepy anyway in my book. Thank you for sharing. I did have pleasant screams.

Shoppers made for for exits instead of purchases.

*repeated word 'for'

Ain't no alrams goin' off though

*alarms

Great entry for the contest. I wish you luck!

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thanks for reading and pointing out the errors, Onyx, but I've already corrected those you've mentioned much earlier. I'm not sure why they are still showing up.
I very much appreciate your comments.
~Dean

Comment from country ranch writer

Excellent

seems things can still go bump in the night in the old worn down store, watch out one of those mannequins don't come alive as in the movie

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

I wanted to create more of an eerie atmosphere in this, Country, much like one of those old ghost stories, rather be overtly violent or gory. True horror is that feeling you get when, after you've read something, you go through the house and turn on all your lights. Or, you never look at something in a store quite the same way again--like mannequins, for instance--without getting the willies.
I very much appreciate your time and comments.
Hugs!
~Dean ;)

reply by country ranch writer on 07-Dec-2015

did you see the movie Mannequin? I remember going to an upside down house it scared the bejesus out of me everything was upside down yep the house too

reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

No, I've never seen the movie, Country. But I have seen the old Twilight Zone episode titled The After Hours, where mannequins were came to life for just 24 hours and were allowed to leave the store to do what they wanted. Have you seen it?

~Dean

reply by country ranch writer on 08-Dec-2015

NO THE ONE I AM TALKING ABOUT ONLY ONE COMES ALIVE AND TURNS HUMAN YOU NEED TO GO ON THE INTERNET AND SEE IF YOU COULD FIND IT IT IS CALLED MANIQUIN

reply by the author on 08-Dec-2015

I try to look it up, CRW...

reply by country ranch writer on 08-Dec-2015

I THINK YOU WILL LIKE IT

reply by country ranch writer on 08-Dec-2015

going to catch some zzzzzz'z been a long day here on the ranch hugs

Comment from wordspinner314

Excellent

What I love most about this story is how you brought about such a terrifying scene (burned children, elevators falling, crowds trapped in a fiery building) by simply whispering it to us. No need to shout, no need to overdramatize; you just breathed it onto the page and let the terror speak for itself. Nicely done, my friend!

A couple of SPAGs for you, if you don't mind:

". . . then double as a saleman in sporting goods for Mulberry & Sons, Inc." (salesman)

"Ain't no alrams goin' off though." (alarms)

Thank you for this disturbingly entertaining read. I'm considering entering this contest; you just set the bar VERY high!

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thanks for catching those errors for me, 'Spinner. Seems my dyslexia is acting up gain...
You're right, I wanted to create more of an eerie atmosphere, like an old ghost story, rather than this be overtly violent or gory. True horror is that feeling you get when, after you've read something, you go through the house and turn on all your lights. Or, you never look at something in a store quite the same way again--like mannequins for instance--without getting the willies.
I very much appreciate your time and comments.
~Dean

Comment from BeasPeas

Excellent

This is an interesting short story told by the security guard. It's clearly written and explained in his voice. Well described. I like this line in particular--very creative--"More'n a hundred people were fried to a crackly crunch--crispy critters for Christmas." Nice alliteration. Marilyn

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

I wanted to create more of an eerie atmosphere in this, Marilyn, much like an old ghost story, rather be overtly violent or gory. True horror is that feeling you get when, after you've read something, you go through the house and turn on all your lights. Or, you never look at something in a store quite the same way again--like mannequins for instance--without getting the willies.
I very much appreciate your time and comments.
~Dean

reply by BeasPeas on 07-Dec-2015

Sort of like clowns. Yikes--now there's something scary!

Comment from evilynne

Exceptional

Well, that was weirdly scary and interesting. As for the crowds at Christmas time, they are quite scary in themselves. Best of luck in the contest, Dean. Evi

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 08-Dec-2015

I agree with you there, Evi. Some of those peopled will kill you!
Thanks for checking out my latest Tiny Tale of Terror, and for the funny comments and six star rating too.
Have a fantastic night, Evi...or day, depending on where you live...
HUGS!
~Dean :)

Comment from sweetwoodjax

Excellent

this is an excellent write, dean, you did an excellent job writing this story about the night before Christmas that was a hot little mess and about to get hotter, I enjoyed reading it. I wish you the best of luck in the contest.

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Thanks for your comments, Pam.
Much obliged...
~Dean

Comment from The Mom/DarleneThomson

Exceptional

Dear Mr Dean,
I sometimes seriously worry about you. This story while it is a slam dunk winner, creeped me out. It reminded me of the time my ex-husband tried to light me on fire with gasoline and starter fluid. Yep that is why he is an ex. Then I heard on the news tonight of a domestic violence situation where the woman was found burning on the railroad tracks. Thank God this didn't scare me about Christmas I don't go shopping among those crazies LOL. I do question saleman vs. salesman? On that note, best wishes in the contest and I am outta here LOL. Merry Christmas to you and yours.
Blessings,
Darlene

 Comment Written 07-Dec-2015

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reply by the author on 07-Dec-2015

Hahaha, yeah, I'm doin' just fine, Darlene, but thanks for askin'.
Good lord, your ex tried to set you on fire?!? I've heard of relationships getting a bit heated, but good grief!
The word "saleman" was an error on my part, so thank you for pointing that out. I also am pleased that you enjoyed the story. I realize it's a bit more subdued than many of my other stories, but horror doesn't always have to be overtly violent, bloody or gory to be truly scary.
Thanks again for reading, and for the six stars too!
Merry Christmas and Happy Holidays to you & yours.
With gratitude
~Dean ;}