All in a Day's Work
Bob meets Sheila for the first time since childhood.42 total reviews
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
Be careful of old friends. Things change. Jobs change. Some jobs are nasty. It's nothing personal... just doing my job, old friend. Wow. This is well done, Ric. Believable dialogue had me hooked. Then a witness? To what? Ohhhh... THAT! Ouch! :)
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Be careful of old friends. Things change. Jobs change. Some jobs are nasty. It's nothing personal... just doing my job, old friend. Wow. This is well done, Ric. Believable dialogue had me hooked. Then a witness? To what? Ohhhh... THAT! Ouch! :)
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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LOL! Yes, we just never know what tomorrow might bring. Evil can come in some mighty fancy packages, and if it looks and smells good, us stupid men just have to pull the ribbon to open the box. Maybe I should have said that a better way. Thank you so much, my friend, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from cterp
Good story, great twist, complete surprise. Glad you panned Stephen King. I have a technical question: how did Sheila manage to put on the gloves without Bob noticing? Or am I just straining at gnats here? (Of course, in reality, a killer wouldn't leave the gloves at the scene anyway--trace DNA.)
You captured the teenage awkwardness perfectly. Poor guy had the worst and the best last half hour of his life.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Good story, great twist, complete surprise. Glad you panned Stephen King. I have a technical question: how did Sheila manage to put on the gloves without Bob noticing? Or am I just straining at gnats here? (Of course, in reality, a killer wouldn't leave the gloves at the scene anyway--trace DNA.)
You captured the teenage awkwardness perfectly. Poor guy had the worst and the best last half hour of his life.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Huh, she's a sneaky broad. LOL! The victim never seems to notice anything. Maybe he thought she was a proctologist. Actually, I'm helping solve a case right now with rubber gloves as evidence. Unfortunately, the chances of getting any DNA from them that would stand up in court is slim to none. Especially once they've been thrown onto his back or the ground. Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words, comments, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from JennaG
Oh my goodness! I totally did not see that coming. Your story started off so sweet and sentimental... and then WHAM! Surprise! Your stories always have this way of drawing me in and keeping me riveted all the way through. I don't know how you do it, but you're very good at it. Great work! Thank you for sharing. :)
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Oh my goodness! I totally did not see that coming. Your story started off so sweet and sentimental... and then WHAM! Surprise! Your stories always have this way of drawing me in and keeping me riveted all the way through. I don't know how you do it, but you're very good at it. Great work! Thank you for sharing. :)
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, JennaG, for taking time to read my story. I like to shock people, and then leave them trying to decide what really happened for themselves. Kind of like the old-time movies that always left something unsaid. Of course, this might give evidence to me being an old guy. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from Kooky Clown
I thought this was a good read and the fact that you just sat down and pecked it out it shows haw talented you must be it had me hooked right to the end and then I read it again to check I had understood it all good stuff.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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I thought this was a good read and the fact that you just sat down and pecked it out it shows haw talented you must be it had me hooked right to the end and then I read it again to check I had understood it all good stuff.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, Kooky Clown, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-_
Comment from Caveman1
I will never look at a Starbucks the same, after reading this short story. Recently, in Chicago there was random shooting of a customer coming out a Starbucks. I enjoyed reading your descriptions and then it develop into your flowing dialogue. Thanks for posting/sharing. One generally doesn't think of a coffee house as a place of violence. But not days... anything is possible.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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I will never look at a Starbucks the same, after reading this short story. Recently, in Chicago there was random shooting of a customer coming out a Starbucks. I enjoyed reading your descriptions and then it develop into your flowing dialogue. Thanks for posting/sharing. One generally doesn't think of a coffee house as a place of violence. But not days... anything is possible.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Sadly, Caveman1, you are so right. We never know what can happen, anywhere. We need to always be on the lookout and be careful. Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from jpduck
I thought this was a delightful mixture of odd and stylish. The implication of your Author Note is that it practically poured out unbidden -- like so much good writing.
A couple of suggestions. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'he saw a person's shadow as they approached his table' (The pronoun in this kind of situation is always a bit of a conundrum. 'They' is often used, but is clearly technically incorrect as it is just one person. 'He or she' is appallingly clumsy. It might be argued that the gender was unknown, but I would strongly favour 'she'. After all, you use it in the very next line).
'hoping someday for another chance to say them[,]*...* and there he was, dumbfounded' (I think the ellipsis works better here than the comma).
Adrian
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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I thought this was a delightful mixture of odd and stylish. The implication of your Author Note is that it practically poured out unbidden -- like so much good writing.
A couple of suggestions. (Square brackets indicate suggested deletions, and asterisks, suggested insertions):
'he saw a person's shadow as they approached his table' (The pronoun in this kind of situation is always a bit of a conundrum. 'They' is often used, but is clearly technically incorrect as it is just one person. 'He or she' is appallingly clumsy. It might be argued that the gender was unknown, but I would strongly favour 'she'. After all, you use it in the very next line).
'hoping someday for another chance to say them[,]*...* and there he was, dumbfounded' (I think the ellipsis works better here than the comma).
Adrian
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, Adrian, for taking time to read my story. I thought long and hard about the pronoun that referred to "She," but since we didn't know it was a she yet, and I kind of wanted to give the sentence a little suspense, I went with they. At this point the gender is unknown. Of course, after hearing your explanation, you are absolutely right, as usual. I mean, like you said, the readers know she's a she in the next sentence anyway. LOL! And your next suggestion of changing the ellipsis for the coma is a no brain-er, or should have been. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
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You're very welcome.
Adrian
Comment from barkingdog
It looks like Ms. Angel Wing Eyelashes was no angel. I'm wondering now what she thought his job was ... but it's good to leave the reader guessing.
Did she think he was an opposing team's hitman or was he working on a secret project and she was sent to kill him? Those are just two of several guesses.
This post makes for a terrific opening to a mystery... a whodunit and why. We know that he knew her in grade school but obviously a lot had changed since then.
You always underestimate yourself, Ric. This is brilliant. I didn't see any errors and of course love the realistic dialogue and twist ending.
Don't stay off the page too long, my friend.
:) e xx
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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It looks like Ms. Angel Wing Eyelashes was no angel. I'm wondering now what she thought his job was ... but it's good to leave the reader guessing.
Did she think he was an opposing team's hitman or was he working on a secret project and she was sent to kill him? Those are just two of several guesses.
This post makes for a terrific opening to a mystery... a whodunit and why. We know that he knew her in grade school but obviously a lot had changed since then.
You always underestimate yourself, Ric. This is brilliant. I didn't see any errors and of course love the realistic dialogue and twist ending.
Don't stay off the page too long, my friend.
:) e xx
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Aw, shucks, now you have me all sheepish and my cheeks glowing rosy. I have a tendency to like leaving things fairly wide open, so that readers can make up their own minds as to what they want to happen. Those old-time movies hardly ever spelled things out for the viewers. I guess, I'm just showing my age. LOL! Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and extra special six-star review are greatly appreciated. :-)
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:) e xxx
Comment from Dellabananas
A good ending to a rather pleasant beginning. At first, we may have thought that this was going to have a different direction, but all of a sudden the main character is attacked by his beautiful date.
Good twist.
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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A good ending to a rather pleasant beginning. At first, we may have thought that this was going to have a different direction, but all of a sudden the main character is attacked by his beautiful date.
Good twist.
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Thanks for taking time to read my story. Your review and remarks are appreciated. I'm a little curious as to what you think I might do better to improve on the four stars you gave me?
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Hi Ric Myworld. Maybe I didn't rate it enough. I apologize for that. I am new here. I should have rated it at a 5. Good work
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Thanks for getting back with me. It speaks volumes for you being a nice person trying to give honest reviews and critiques. Unfortunately, there have been a few, and I mean few, nasty people who give one, two, three, and four star reviews just to be mean. There are few sixes available, and whenever one of those mean people give a four or below, it negates a six-star review. Meaning, that if someone gets three sixes, then it only takes three fours to cancel out the exceptional rating. I still struggle with giving fives for posts that I don't necessarily like, but I've finally learned that I don't have to like something for it to be good writing. Also, I've learned that I can re-cast a vote for the same post and upgrade it any time I want. So, if something needs work, I just try to help explain what I think, and when the writer fixes the problems I give them another vote. Anyway, I hope this helps. Welcome to Fan Story! I hope to see you around often, and if I can ever be of help, please contact me. Wishing You the Best! :-)
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no worries, I'm sorry about the earlier rating. I actually thought that 4 was quite good, until I got a higher rating for my first post and I thought ok, better go back and re do all of my ratings. Thank you and all the best.
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No apology needed. We all came here for the first time, and believe me, I've done worse. It won't hurt to redo if you feel you should, but if you think they got what they deserve, including me, stick to your guns. I'm always here to answer any questions. Of course, I can't always promise I'll have the right answers. Good Luck! :-)
Comment from giraffmang
Hi Ric,
However asked you about posting again is quite right. You should be more proactive here.
This is a good tale with an unexpected twist at the end. The first section appears to be heading in the direction of a remedy to unrequited romance but then a swift turnaround.
I like the fact that it changes perspective without the need for a description of the interluding happening.
"I've been okay . . . and you?" She said -I think it should be she here.
Let's don't talk about it anymore - I felt a slight awkwardness here. perhaps 'Let's not...'
You mean, right Now - I don't think Now needs capitalised here.
in as much detail as you can remember?" He said - he said.
"No hard feelings, I hope . . . it's just all in a day's work. - need to close off thee quote marks here.
All the best
G
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Hi Ric,
However asked you about posting again is quite right. You should be more proactive here.
This is a good tale with an unexpected twist at the end. The first section appears to be heading in the direction of a remedy to unrequited romance but then a swift turnaround.
I like the fact that it changes perspective without the need for a description of the interluding happening.
"I've been okay . . . and you?" She said -I think it should be she here.
Let's don't talk about it anymore - I felt a slight awkwardness here. perhaps 'Let's not...'
You mean, right Now - I don't think Now needs capitalised here.
in as much detail as you can remember?" He said - he said.
"No hard feelings, I hope . . . it's just all in a day's work. - need to close off thee quote marks here.
All the best
G
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much, G, for taking time to read my story. "Not" definitely fits better than "don't" talk about it anymore. As for the two capitalized, he said, and she said, tags, they were change before it was posted, I thought. And the quote was there after ... all in a day's work. Where I had carried the witnesses conversation through four paragraph breaks to make it easier to read. I'm so glad you brought them to my attention, now I would just like to know why they weren't corrected in the preview stage before it went live. Your kind words, suggestions, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from bubblejellybean
Very grabbing! I did not expect that twist at all! I really wonder what happened between them. Great writing. I didn't see anything you need to fix. Good job!
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Very grabbing! I did not expect that twist at all! I really wonder what happened between them. Great writing. I didn't see anything you need to fix. Good job!
Comment Written 28-Jun-2016
reply by the author on 28-Jun-2016
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Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
