The Tower
I'll do it.41 total reviews
Comment from Dawn Munro
Well, maybe I haven't been clear enough in past, but Jay, you are just a tad too intellectual for me (BS - I really mean intelligent - LOL). I could barely follow this exceptional story at first. But man, you sure do have a way with words...
BTW, Clarence most likely suffered from a massive hernia, not elephantiasis. (??)
(Question - why are you 'George' in this, not Jay? Or did I miss more than one something? LOL)
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Well, maybe I haven't been clear enough in past, but Jay, you are just a tad too intellectual for me (BS - I really mean intelligent - LOL). I could barely follow this exceptional story at first. But man, you sure do have a way with words...
BTW, Clarence most likely suffered from a massive hernia, not elephantiasis. (??)
(Question - why are you 'George' in this, not Jay? Or did I miss more than one something? LOL)
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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This is a memoir. You followed some of the "Down and Out" stories, I used the first person POV with Jay in that. My intent was to get a little more objective look at the young man, Jay, at a turning point in his life. I chose the fictitious George (my legal name, by the way) as an artist whose sketches bring out the "wordless" quality of his subjects. That was why I used his sketch of Jay in the last scene as capturing some essence of his persona, the irony being Jay doesn't get to see the sketch.
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Oh, I get it! Makes sense, of course. Thank you for explaining. (I kinda, shoulda, coulda...LOL)
Comment from Loren (7)
Okay, I'm having a little trouble following this, but it does sound like a guy who is having an inner dialogue and struggle with himself. Maybe it's the mention of the university and tower reference, but it seems to point to the student who climbed a tower at one of the universities in Texas and then went about shooting and killing helpless victims as they walked the campus. If memory serves this was 40 years ago, but it's what the story brought to my mind. Dialogue, by the way is top drawer! Loren
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Okay, I'm having a little trouble following this, but it does sound like a guy who is having an inner dialogue and struggle with himself. Maybe it's the mention of the university and tower reference, but it seems to point to the student who climbed a tower at one of the universities in Texas and then went about shooting and killing helpless victims as they walked the campus. If memory serves this was 40 years ago, but it's what the story brought to my mind. Dialogue, by the way is top drawer! Loren
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Strange you should mention the UT Tower shooting. I'd thought of it as I was writing this, but it doesn't actually play a part. The difficulty of reading was an intended strategy I used. So it worked. I wanted to mirror the scatteredness of real life conversation and the artist, George, who tries to freeze-frame life's moments. He's the one, remember, who commented about no one finishing a thought.
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Thanks for re-directing my thoughts, Jay.
Comment from CEO2020
You seemed to have intentionally written this story for dialogue effect. Well written and done. While I keep my own style, you are one of the writers I have learned from.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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You seemed to have intentionally written this story for dialogue effect. Well written and done. While I keep my own style, you are one of the writers I have learned from.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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You are honoring me by saying you've learned from my posts. Thank you. Yes, the dialogue effect was what I was shooting for. I'm so happy you recognized that. I really appreciate the six stars.
Comment from Cumbrianlass
I must confess, Jay, I felt little lost here. I had a hard time keeping up with the characters and their actions - who said what and why, kind of thing. Hard to put my finger on why it didn't work for me, really. Maybe it's just me missing the point, and that being the likely case, I'm not deducting any stars.
The writing was fine for the most part, and the dialogue was good - some of the remarks making me smile! I made notes as I read:
It clattered against the (V)enetian blinds - should be capitalized
"What difference does it make any way?" - anyway is one word.
" He shot up from the chair (he straddled) and swung his leg around - 'he straddled' is redundant, I think
I think he protects himself from the outside world by his appearance. He really is raunchy, and then there's the weird way he acts until he gets to know you. He physically distances himself by the ring of trees and underbrush surrounding his place. - is this paragraph missing quotes? I think so
(")Geez, Jamison, you know Clarence. - needs opening quotes
Jay stood. "Anyway, I need to get over to the dorms.(") - insert closing quote.
Hope this helps.
Best of luck in the contest!
Av
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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I must confess, Jay, I felt little lost here. I had a hard time keeping up with the characters and their actions - who said what and why, kind of thing. Hard to put my finger on why it didn't work for me, really. Maybe it's just me missing the point, and that being the likely case, I'm not deducting any stars.
The writing was fine for the most part, and the dialogue was good - some of the remarks making me smile! I made notes as I read:
It clattered against the (V)enetian blinds - should be capitalized
"What difference does it make any way?" - anyway is one word.
" He shot up from the chair (he straddled) and swung his leg around - 'he straddled' is redundant, I think
I think he protects himself from the outside world by his appearance. He really is raunchy, and then there's the weird way he acts until he gets to know you. He physically distances himself by the ring of trees and underbrush surrounding his place. - is this paragraph missing quotes? I think so
(")Geez, Jamison, you know Clarence. - needs opening quotes
Jay stood. "Anyway, I need to get over to the dorms.(") - insert closing quote.
Hope this helps.
Best of luck in the contest!
Av
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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You are a dear, Av. And too generous with your stars. You are an intelligent reader. If your at a loss at some point so are others who don't bother to tell me. I made all the corrections you suggested but one:
" He shot up from the chair he straddled?? If he weren?t sitting backwards in the chair I can understand your point, but when he?s sitting backwards it seems a natural way to dismount it (like a horse). I?ll take another look at it. There?s always something important in what you say.
Again, thanks, Av. I always wait for your reviews. They are important to me.
Jay
Comment from Sasha
I cannot claim to fully understand this, but your dialogue was superb. I can just visualize roommates having this insane conversation which seems to just go on and on. I love your writing and it always makes me dizzy but it's a fun kind of dizzy. Great entry for the contest and I wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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I cannot claim to fully understand this, but your dialogue was superb. I can just visualize roommates having this insane conversation which seems to just go on and on. I love your writing and it always makes me dizzy but it's a fun kind of dizzy. Great entry for the contest and I wish you all the best.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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If my writing makes you dizzy, beware! You might fall and break your ribs. Can't have that, Sasha. Thanks so much for your six stars.
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Not to worry, I always read in a sitting position.
Comment from jpduck
Well, this is a first. I gave up on it three-quarters through. I found that I simply wasn't understanding very much. I'm just a simple buffoon. I'm nowhere near clever enough to work it out. I'm probably not helped by the fact that I have never attended an American university, so I have no concept of the setting or its occupants.
Really sorry about this -- the rating, for the first time in my FS life, can only be a 'default five'
Adrian
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Well, this is a first. I gave up on it three-quarters through. I found that I simply wasn't understanding very much. I'm just a simple buffoon. I'm nowhere near clever enough to work it out. I'm probably not helped by the fact that I have never attended an American university, so I have no concept of the setting or its occupants.
Really sorry about this -- the rating, for the first time in my FS life, can only be a 'default five'
Adrian
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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You don't need to apologize for your rating, Adrian, or for not finishing it. It was not intended as an easy read. The buzzing confusion in their dialogue was intentional. Some people like Rory, exist for the quip and sliding it in whenever there is a lapse in speech. George was more the stabilizing force where he tries to "jell" life in sketchable moments and complains that no one finishes his thoughts.
But I always enjoy your reviews because they are honest.
Comment from barkingdog
I saw this more as a meandering through the discussions among roommates. At the time they were trying to figure out what was it about Clarence, a rather odd fellow that relished in putting people off.
Somehow the Tower card fit into all of this, but you lost me with Clarence's elephantiasis balls, Copernicus sharing ice cream, stories of murdered children, etc.
How did the sketches fit in?
Too many different directions for me, Jay, but very well written.
Good luck in the contest.
:) ellen
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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I saw this more as a meandering through the discussions among roommates. At the time they were trying to figure out what was it about Clarence, a rather odd fellow that relished in putting people off.
Somehow the Tower card fit into all of this, but you lost me with Clarence's elephantiasis balls, Copernicus sharing ice cream, stories of murdered children, etc.
How did the sketches fit in?
Too many different directions for me, Jay, but very well written.
Good luck in the contest.
:) ellen
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Thank you for reading, Ellen. I do understand your comment about the too many directions. That's a problem with the writing technique. All of it (with the possible exception of Clarence's balls--which were a physical fact of the story) should have hung together as the symbol of pride and the loss of innocence through the Tower card. George was the element of structure, always trying to get them to finish their thought, and freeze-framing moments through his sketches when everything around him was a buzzing confusion.
Needs work. Thanks for reading and for your honesty.
Comment from robyn corum
I don't know if I'd label this as 'memoir' either, Jay. It seemed like more of a character study.
I have to tell you that I didn't really get the basis of the story - again, you were far over my head~! *smile* But I enjoyed the writing, which was, as ever, top-notch!
Good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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I don't know if I'd label this as 'memoir' either, Jay. It seemed like more of a character study.
I have to tell you that I didn't really get the basis of the story - again, you were far over my head~! *smile* But I enjoyed the writing, which was, as ever, top-notch!
Good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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As far as the requirements of the contest go, the writer is encouraged to search out a deeper reality in his life by not staying with the biographical facts. That's why I chose the POV character to be George, the artist, who tries to isolate the confused buzz of life into sketchable moments. The Jay is me, but as viewed by a more stable, mature entity. I hope that makes some sense, though it probably won't help the understanding.
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I GOT the characters, just not some of the stuff they talked about. I'm rather dense at times.
Comment from Thomas Bowling
"flung his scan like a net over the room," I'm going to use this naturally I'going to claim it is mine. Great story. What kind of journey is that? I'll look it up.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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"flung his scan like a net over the room," I'm going to use this naturally I'going to claim it is mine. Great story. What kind of journey is that? I'll look it up.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Hahaha! Thanks Thomas. Given with my compliments. I've got a dozen more of 'em I've stolen from this writer or that. Sure happy you enjoyed this.
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
I can just imagine a group of lads sitting in their dorm, chatting like this. Lots said, but never actually saying anything! LOL, that's boys for you. I have two brothers, and they are just like that. Now, girls, on the other hand... lol. Well done, Jay, you've written this perfectly. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xxx
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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I can just imagine a group of lads sitting in their dorm, chatting like this. Lots said, but never actually saying anything! LOL, that's boys for you. I have two brothers, and they are just like that. Now, girls, on the other hand... lol. Well done, Jay, you've written this perfectly. Good luck in the contest. :) Sandra xxx
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Sandra, for your six and for your delightful comments.