Smity's Forty Niner
How much power can an ego have?33 total reviews
Comment from joeruptak
The first few lines got my attention and held it throughout the piece.
I felt as if I were a passenger in the Dodge and really did
feel all the anxiety and fear as you explained it.
I haven't enjoyed a read this much in a very long time. Excellent job
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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The first few lines got my attention and held it throughout the piece.
I felt as if I were a passenger in the Dodge and really did
feel all the anxiety and fear as you explained it.
I haven't enjoyed a read this much in a very long time. Excellent job
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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joeruptak,
Thanks for your comments and for reading the story.
I appreciated what you had to say and for the kind rating.
Best regards,
gsnewton75
Comment from c_lucas
Teenagers live forever. This is very well written with a plausible plot. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Teenagers live forever. This is very well written with a plausible plot. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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c lucas
Isn't that the truth! Thanks for the comments,
I appreciate your thoughts.
gsnewton75
Comment from Sandra Stoner-Mitchell
That was really good, fast paced and thrilling. I could have been sitting in that car as we were passing Glen's car... straight to the pearly gates! One spelling mistake at the end, you mean 'new' not 'knew' Well done, and good luck in the contest! :) Sandra xx
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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That was really good, fast paced and thrilling. I could have been sitting in that car as we were passing Glen's car... straight to the pearly gates! One spelling mistake at the end, you mean 'new' not 'knew' Well done, and good luck in the contest! :) Sandra xx
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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dear sandramitchell:
Thank you for your kind comments and for reading my story.
I appreciate what you had to say and your suggestion.
gsnewtong
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
Good sense of tension in this piece. Needs a few bits and pieces in terms of technicalities of editing -
what's it going to be?" I said with a smile, "race or not?" - the last piece of dialogue should start with a capital letter as the preceding piece is closed off with the question mark.
"Let's find out," - this should end with a full stop rather than a comma.
"Smith," I yelled, "What time is it?" - the dialogue after the speech tag should start lower case as the sentence is still open.
"11:35" - needs punctuation before the closing speech marks.
"O.K. "What are the rules?" - delete the extra speech mark before What.
back here, is the winner. " - delete the space before the closing speech marks here.
"Six first team football players from Jefferson School, ended up in the Harris County jail for racing on old highway 125 Friday afternoon, but nobody gave any thought to how stupid it was. - you need to close off this quote with corresponding closing end of quote marks.
Cadiz Mining Company coal trucks were coming in the opposite directions - direction.
he'd probably slam on his breaks - brakes.
The knew the headlines now read - They.
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Hi there,
Good sense of tension in this piece. Needs a few bits and pieces in terms of technicalities of editing -
what's it going to be?" I said with a smile, "race or not?" - the last piece of dialogue should start with a capital letter as the preceding piece is closed off with the question mark.
"Let's find out," - this should end with a full stop rather than a comma.
"Smith," I yelled, "What time is it?" - the dialogue after the speech tag should start lower case as the sentence is still open.
"11:35" - needs punctuation before the closing speech marks.
"O.K. "What are the rules?" - delete the extra speech mark before What.
back here, is the winner. " - delete the space before the closing speech marks here.
"Six first team football players from Jefferson School, ended up in the Harris County jail for racing on old highway 125 Friday afternoon, but nobody gave any thought to how stupid it was. - you need to close off this quote with corresponding closing end of quote marks.
Cadiz Mining Company coal trucks were coming in the opposite directions - direction.
he'd probably slam on his breaks - brakes.
The knew the headlines now read - They.
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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giraffmang
Nice review. Thank you for your comments. I appreciate everything you pointed out.
Thank you for the suggestions,
regards, gsnewton75
Comment from nuthead
I was afraid it was going to end bad. Nice twist there at the end. For a moment I thought they made it. Damn! Nicely played.
I found a few typo while reading.
A couple of small typos here:
"O.K. "What are the rules?"
1) OK doesn't require periods, and
2) there is an extra quotation mark between OK and What.
This sentence, "beside" needs an s on the end:
"...beside the bigger engine, he would..."
This sentence, outdrive is one word:
"My plan was to out drive him..."
There are a few areas where some tightening would help create more of a *pow* factor. This story demands high drama scenes. And some of those scenes were watered down.
For instance, adding a little more "Shaw rather than tell" here:
I glanced at Glenn as I went by his blue flat eight Pontiac. He had the look of fear and death on his face as I hit the blind curve at 70, I held my breath...
You've already described Glenn's car in those same details. It's taking away from the moment. This is the most intense scene of your story, seconds before their fate is sealed. ...They look in each other's eyes ... split second terror and elation passes between them as he took the lead... that kind of holding your breath drama. Show us the intensity in descriptive language. You can do it! :) You've a good story here. Make it great! :)
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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I was afraid it was going to end bad. Nice twist there at the end. For a moment I thought they made it. Damn! Nicely played.
I found a few typo while reading.
A couple of small typos here:
"O.K. "What are the rules?"
1) OK doesn't require periods, and
2) there is an extra quotation mark between OK and What.
This sentence, "beside" needs an s on the end:
"...beside the bigger engine, he would..."
This sentence, outdrive is one word:
"My plan was to out drive him..."
There are a few areas where some tightening would help create more of a *pow* factor. This story demands high drama scenes. And some of those scenes were watered down.
For instance, adding a little more "Shaw rather than tell" here:
I glanced at Glenn as I went by his blue flat eight Pontiac. He had the look of fear and death on his face as I hit the blind curve at 70, I held my breath...
You've already described Glenn's car in those same details. It's taking away from the moment. This is the most intense scene of your story, seconds before their fate is sealed. ...They look in each other's eyes ... split second terror and elation passes between them as he took the lead... that kind of holding your breath drama. Show us the intensity in descriptive language. You can do it! :) You've a good story here. Make it great! :)
Comment Written 29-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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sjharshenin:
Thank you for the suggestions and your comments.
I appreciate what you had to offer for making the story better.
Thank you,
gsnewton75
Comment from kriver
This is good concept for a story
The story holds the readers interest
well until it ends with a good twist
Over all I think it is a good write
and a good entry for the contest
Best regards,
K River
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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This is good concept for a story
The story holds the readers interest
well until it ends with a good twist
Over all I think it is a good write
and a good entry for the contest
Best regards,
K River
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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kriver,
Thanks for the review.
I appreciate you.
Best regards,
gsnewton75
Comment from Dolly'sPoems
Wow! I didn't expect that, but then again if you dice with death then you get your fingers burnt. A well written suspense piece, a joy to read, love Dolly x
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Wow! I didn't expect that, but then again if you dice with death then you get your fingers burnt. A well written suspense piece, a joy to read, love Dolly x
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Dolly'sPoems:
Thank you for your kind words and review.
Best regards, gsnewton75
Comment from Ulla
This is a great little story with a tragic outcome. Well written. A couple of things for you:
You use 'to get around' twice in on sentence. I suggest to change on of them to 'to get past him' Just an idea.
'as we roared pass' ='as we roared past'
I would make a double space before 'Six students dead on 125!' for greater impact.
Good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:))
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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This is a great little story with a tragic outcome. Well written. A couple of things for you:
You use 'to get around' twice in on sentence. I suggest to change on of them to 'to get past him' Just an idea.
'as we roared pass' ='as we roared past'
I would make a double space before 'Six students dead on 125!' for greater impact.
Good luck in the contest. All the best. Ulla:))
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 31-Mar-2017
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Ulla,
Thank you for your comments.
I appreciate you.
gsnewton75
Comment from Mustang Patty
The story told within the lines of the piece is compelling, but the writing is a bit off. The mechanics of writing - sentence structure, punctuation and grammar are needed to convey the story to the reader. Without proper structure, the reader can lose track of where each sentence is going.
~patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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The story told within the lines of the piece is compelling, but the writing is a bit off. The mechanics of writing - sentence structure, punctuation and grammar are needed to convey the story to the reader. Without proper structure, the reader can lose track of where each sentence is going.
~patty~
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 02-Apr-2017
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thanks patty.
I always appreciate what you have to say. Best wishes.
gsnewton77
Comment from light
This is wonderfully written flash fiction. Just the rught lead up. Good narrative and dialogue. And a good lesson on drag racing. I enjoyed the read.
Elaine
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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This is wonderfully written flash fiction. Just the rught lead up. Good narrative and dialogue. And a good lesson on drag racing. I enjoyed the read.
Elaine
Comment Written 28-Mar-2017
reply by the author on 01-Apr-2017
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Light:
Thank you for your review.
gsnewton77
