Comment from Pam Lonsdale

Excellent

I found your poem haunting. I'm working on an essay about the Donner Party, so the mention of wagon trains and Indians were of interest to me.

I wonder if you read something that inspired you to write this poem?

Thanks for sharing your poem with us.

Pam

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2023

Comment from Panash

Good

Good rhyming. The story was just fine for me. Nothing against your writing, simply personal preferences. Maybe it was something at the end that just kind of bugged me. It was like you had your hook, but then immediately, let the fish go.

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2023

Comment from dragonpoet

Excellent

Hi Willie,
This poem flows well with its abcb rhyming that is unforced.
This is a sad dream/vision. I hope your talk made it easier for her to pass over. It is so sad when such deaths happen so quickly and unexpectedly. Not unlike the mass shootings we hear about almost everyday. I wonder if any of those victims visit someone here before they find peace.
Keep writing and stay healthy
Have a great weekend,
Joan

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2023

Comment from Debbie D'Arcy

Excellent

This seems to be a dream or ghostly appearance of this little lost girl searching for her family. The verse has a poignancy and old-fashioned style about it conveying a sense of timelessness and ethereal quality. It's an unusual read but a memorable one that stays with the reader. Thanks for sharing, Willie, Debbie

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2023

Comment from godlucifer

Excellent

for some reason i thought your story was interesting. i know it was sad and depressing because of the little girl. but it told an interesting n entertaining story. your poem was well crafted. thanks for the read.

truly
godlucifer

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2023

Comment from GWHARGIS

Excellent

As a parent, this made me ache. You always want your children safe, even after they pass. You hate to think of them roaming the earth searching for you. Wonderful poem here. Gave me lots of emotions. Gretchen

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2023

Comment from jim vecchio

Good

As a western fan, I was happy to read your poem. There are no major errors, no criticism, but this is just a suggestion: Remember, efficiency of words (and this comes from an old windbag!) and structure in storytelling. Here are a couple of suggestions: This may sound very trivial, but in poetry, every word counts. Instead of "when she started" maybe "AS she started"? Also "When she started telling her story, she began to cry" might also be "As she told me her story, tears fell from her eye" Just suggestions from a writer who can't write poetry as well as you!

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 Comment Written 23-Jun-2023

Comment from Teri7

Excellent

Wille, This is a really well written poem you have penned about this little girl. You used great descriptive words and very nice imagery from the art work you chose to go with your words. Great job my friend! Blessings, Teri

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2023

Comment from Raul1

Excellent

I am so sorry for your loss. My condolences to your family and friends. It is interesting. Excellent work! No mistakes found in your poem. I like it. Thank you for sharing!

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2023

Comment from barbara.wilkey

Excellent

Thank you for sharing this poem with us. I enjoyed reading. It's very creative and a little haunting. It causes me to pause and wonder about the many children lost over the years.

And In a flash, she was gone. (lower case 'i' on 'in')

 Comment Written 23-Jun-2023