Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 19 "The Killer Is --"A book of a mixture of stories
47 total reviews
Comment from RobinWrites
No I don't, so you must tell me. Please! I followed this well and even wrote out little notes to help me, but I must be getting too old for my brain can't work through this puzzle. I hope I'm not too embarrassed by an easy answer. Thanks for trying to make by brain do some work this morning, but it's wasn't willing to cooperate.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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No I don't, so you must tell me. Please! I followed this well and even wrote out little notes to help me, but I must be getting too old for my brain can't work through this puzzle. I hope I'm not too embarrassed by an easy answer. Thanks for trying to make by brain do some work this morning, but it's wasn't willing to cooperate.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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BeginAgain made it look like John and Lola did it because she wanted a best seller novel, but she did it. Smiles, Carol
Comment from lola29
Carol, your entry is fantastic--reads like an Agatha Christie scene. The ending is just the best, because it's not what anyone would expect.
I bow to the queen of short stories.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Carol, your entry is fantastic--reads like an Agatha Christie scene. The ending is just the best, because it's not what anyone would expect.
I bow to the queen of short stories.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Lola,
Thanks...though I am confused now because I was told we can't say who did it...but suneagle informs me its not flash fiction unless I do...HELP!!!! The who is suppose to be the killer (one of us)and the victim is whomever we choose..but we can't tell...
I'm waiting to hear what someone tells me to do now...Smiles, Carol
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I adhered to the host's contest requirements as did you.
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Now, I'm thinking I may have goofed up.
Comment from shelley kaye
hi :)
just read your entry - and i suggest deleting the last sentence
~ The "who" must be one of the top ten writers on FanStory. *Give clues and hints but do NOT give the name. Let the reader be the detective.
other than that a great story (Loved the detective's name hehe :)
shelley :)
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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hi :)
just read your entry - and i suggest deleting the last sentence
~ The "who" must be one of the top ten writers on FanStory. *Give clues and hints but do NOT give the name. Let the reader be the detective.
other than that a great story (Loved the detective's name hehe :)
shelley :)
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Shelley,
I am confused... (easily done lately)
the who dunnit is one of the top ten writers as well as the accused are too...are you saying you want me to eliminate the name?
John and Lola, you are under arrest for Senator Malone's murder."
BeginAgain smiled. She had the makings of her next best seller and might have just gotten away with murder.
I was told my suneagle that it was not a flash fiction unless I solved the crime... I had ended it with Do you know who did it? but he marked me down because he said that wasn't flash fiction rules...Help!!!
Can you clarify a little more...Thanks for the help...
Carol
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crap did not know that lol :-P
okay so i goofed up the rules of flash fiction - thought it could end in a question know what i mean? completely my fault will know better next time! okay just follow the rules of the contest and don't mention the name of "whodunit" - sorry for the confusion! my fault! :-P
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hi again! i just posted a thread in the contest announcement's forum thingy about my
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hi again! i just posted a thread in the contest announcement's forum thingy about my "oops" :-P
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As they handcuffed the pair, the real killer left the room with the makings of a new best seller.
How's that? Smiles, CArol
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cool! :-D
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Begin Again,
Hmmm, these author's conventions seem to be dangerous places! Especially if there is an author in need of a plotline around. Convenient to have a wayward politician everyone would like to see pushed off a cliff as well ... (Please note: Only Three dots as per regulations and as read yesterday on FS.)
Nicely written, good dialogues and an amusing outcome.
Patrick
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Hi Begin Again,
Hmmm, these author's conventions seem to be dangerous places! Especially if there is an author in need of a plotline around. Convenient to have a wayward politician everyone would like to see pushed off a cliff as well ... (Please note: Only Three dots as per regulations and as read yesterday on FS.)
Nicely written, good dialogues and an amusing outcome.
Patrick
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Patrick,
Thank you for the reminder of dot, dot, dot and for the kind review. I always appreciate hearing from you... and yes those author's in need of a good story can be dangerous. Smiles...Carol
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My pleasure Carol, couldn't resist the ... comment, someone had a go at me over it yesterday!
:-)) Patrick
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Patrick
Don't feel bad...I have two different people telling me two different things on the rules of writing right now too. Smiles, Carol
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I know that feeling! At the end of the day some of the "rules" of grammar depend on which "expert" is referenced.
Patrick
Comment from ladybird
A very entertaining read. I like how you named one of the characters Mrs. Beginagain.The flow was very good, the writing clear. Good luck with this.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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A very entertaining read. I like how you named one of the characters Mrs. Beginagain.The flow was very good, the writing clear. Good luck with this.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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ladybird,
Thank you so much ...The killer was originally John (Thesis) and Lola, but everyone had a difficult time with it...so I changed the last two lines and made BeginAgain commit a murder to get a story. Thanks so much. Smiles, Carol
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You're welcome
Comment from RebelRose
I'm afraid I don't know. maybe after I get more awake I could figure it out ... NOT!! Your story is very good and a good contest entry.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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I'm afraid I don't know. maybe after I get more awake I could figure it out ... NOT!! Your story is very good and a good contest entry.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Patty...
I changed the last two sentences so the ending will be clearer now...Detective work was too hard fore most I guess...Smiles, Carol
Comment from dmjones
Hi Carol, This is good. You dropped several good hints and I know something about the contest. It might help though to put the rules at the bottom for this one. I'm going to go back and read the rules again. And then come back.
One thing:
He entered the room and surveyed each quest,(do you mean guest)
Update-Adina is innocent. Otherwise why gasp when the earring is found. Then I have wonder how it got in the senators room. Which leaves John but I was hoping Mrs. Malone killed her husband.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Hi Carol, This is good. You dropped several good hints and I know something about the contest. It might help though to put the rules at the bottom for this one. I'm going to go back and read the rules again. And then come back.
One thing:
He entered the room and surveyed each quest,(do you mean guest)
Update-Adina is innocent. Otherwise why gasp when the earring is found. Then I have wonder how it got in the senators room. Which leaves John but I was hoping Mrs. Malone killed her husband.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Donna,
I changed the last two lines and the killer so it was easier to figure out. Actually it was John and Lola at first...but no one seemed to catch Adina's gasp...so with a flick of my wrist I changed the killer. See what you think... Smiles, Carol
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I like it!
Comment from patmedium
Sorry... I haven't a clue because I am not clever when it comes to deductions. However, I'd make a guess at some authoress who wasn't in the story yet... that Mrs Carol Beginag, maybe. Pat.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Sorry... I haven't a clue because I am not clever when it comes to deductions. However, I'd make a guess at some authoress who wasn't in the story yet... that Mrs Carol Beginag, maybe. Pat.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Pat,
Okay I made it easier for everyone and changed the killer...Read the last two lines of the story now. Smiles, Carol
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Smiles from me to you, friend! xxx
Comment from melyuki
oh sis, My brain hasnt slept for 3 days, give or take 2 hours.. and I can't focus long enough to be a detective tonight. please forgive my weary mind. it aint working. who the hell did it........ stop teasing my poor head sis, that's just unfair , you know you kept me awake all night again... not fair I say. very clever little story indeed, but who did it... please please, I'm dying to know, hugs mel, you can tell me tonight, when you keep me awake again, all night long. smiling now, little sis.xxxx
so is it the naughty begin again who is the baddy, or am i thicker than thick, I think i am this am,. I just aint a detective any more, no wonder they fired me from the police academy last week sis. I suck . ms cichella has been replaced I see by that naughty begin again woman.. how dare they remove ms cichella,.. you did that to confuse me I know you did , ( bitch) hugs to you sis luv melxxxxx
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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oh sis, My brain hasnt slept for 3 days, give or take 2 hours.. and I can't focus long enough to be a detective tonight. please forgive my weary mind. it aint working. who the hell did it........ stop teasing my poor head sis, that's just unfair , you know you kept me awake all night again... not fair I say. very clever little story indeed, but who did it... please please, I'm dying to know, hugs mel, you can tell me tonight, when you keep me awake again, all night long. smiling now, little sis.xxxx
so is it the naughty begin again who is the baddy, or am i thicker than thick, I think i am this am,. I just aint a detective any more, no wonder they fired me from the police academy last week sis. I suck . ms cichella has been replaced I see by that naughty begin again woman.. how dare they remove ms cichella,.. you did that to confuse me I know you did , ( bitch) hugs to you sis luv melxxxxx
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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Okay...We don't have many good detectives on this site so I changed the ending...read the last few lines.
And don't be blaming me for keeping you awake....Little Miss Sit In Bed with the LapTop all night....
Smiles, Sis
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ok cheeky that was hours ago I read your little story, and maybe I am more alert now though getting on here 4am almost and I have to be up early, got the dentist in the morning then picking up cathy for an outing to hear all her worries with her 5 sisters.. hugs , will go take a look sis luv Melxxxx
Comment from suneagle
An entertaining story, Carol. Because it's a Flash Fiction contest you are aware I will review it as such. And I must say your FF is improving.
He entered the room and surveyed each quest,
(I'm assuming the word should be "guest", not quest.)
"And your husband?" Detective Reader watched her closely.
("closely" is an adverb, and adverbs should be avoided in flash fiction. If his watching "closely" is important to the story you should 'show' it instead of 'telling'. For example:
"And your husband?" Detective Reader stared straight into her eyes.)
Eyes widened, she nodded.
(You could save a word here: Wide-eyed, she nodded.)
'We'll see which one of us is sorry.[']"
"John, after you helped Ms. Pelle to her room, what did you do?"
(I'm confused, because you didn't use a surname for "John" previously I assumed it was the Senator. This may confuse other readers too.)
Do you know who did it?
(Oh my, a damn good story, but not really FF if you end it without a resolution.)
***I know that ending is a tempting one for a Mystery/Crime story. The problem is that FF must have a resolution, and you've left the story up in the air.
****
Rating upgraded following revisions in line with the contest requirements.
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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An entertaining story, Carol. Because it's a Flash Fiction contest you are aware I will review it as such. And I must say your FF is improving.
He entered the room and surveyed each quest,
(I'm assuming the word should be "guest", not quest.)
"And your husband?" Detective Reader watched her closely.
("closely" is an adverb, and adverbs should be avoided in flash fiction. If his watching "closely" is important to the story you should 'show' it instead of 'telling'. For example:
"And your husband?" Detective Reader stared straight into her eyes.)
Eyes widened, she nodded.
(You could save a word here: Wide-eyed, she nodded.)
'We'll see which one of us is sorry.[']"
"John, after you helped Ms. Pelle to her room, what did you do?"
(I'm confused, because you didn't use a surname for "John" previously I assumed it was the Senator. This may confuse other readers too.)
Do you know who did it?
(Oh my, a damn good story, but not really FF if you end it without a resolution.)
***I know that ending is a tempting one for a Mystery/Crime story. The problem is that FF must have a resolution, and you've left the story up in the air.
****
Rating upgraded following revisions in line with the contest requirements.
Comment Written 02-Mar-2010
reply by the author on 02-Mar-2010
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suneagle,
Thanks for your assistance...I had left it as a question because the rules asked us not to tell who the killer was...but I've changed the last two lines of the story (and made your corrections) and changed the killer...Would you mind telling me what you think? Smiles, Carol
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Will do so soon. :)
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I've read it through again, Carol, and under the circumstances upgraded the rating.
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Suneagle,
Thank you for your help. I explained what you said to shelley but she said she still wanted me to change it her way so I appreciate the understanding and the assistance. Smiles, Carol