Comment from WLHall

Good

YesI like your idea of writing about going back to college(I went back later as you did). Sometimes we do discover truths about ourselves in this setting. Especially in an English course where there is a lot of writing. You have quite a bit of narrative, but at least each paragraph is short. I've found when you use dialogue instead, it pulls the reader in better and holds them in. Also, watch for the over use of words such as "that" and "was". These words should be used sparingly, and it tightens up your story. If I may detail some of the grammatical and punctuation errors (I know you didn't want to hear that!):
1st paragraph: comma needed after "No"
Comma needed after "see"
Do not capitalize "job"
Comma needed after "people"
2nd paragraph: comma needed after "already"
Question mark needed after "harm"
3rd paragraph: Comma needed after "me" or use semi-colon between "me", drop the "and", then continue with "he"
5th paragraph: "job" should be "jobs"
Comma needed after "place"
6th paragraph: comma needed after "way"
7th paragraph: Instead of "women" should be "woman"
10th paragraph: "you" should be "your"
12th paragraph: comma needed after "god"
I suggest leaving out "once we completed them." The reader can assume this.
13th paragraph: "It's" should be just "It"
Commas needed after "seems","winter","night"
Commas after "Well"
Either use a semi-colon between "house" and "it" or add the word "because" in between. I prefer the semi-colon, keeps the sentence tighter.
Comma needed after "children"
Word "tuff" should be spelled "tough"
Word "easy" should be spelled "essay"
Last sentence doesn't flow. Rewrite suggestion: "Since the teacher was a lawyer, I assumed she liked arguments because she had us write persuasive essays. Think about telling the reader her name so you don't have to use "she" so much. You can switch back and forth.
This may not be all of them, but I did my best to catch the obvious. Just read through, out loud and slowly to catch these things. Wherever you tend to pause is probably where a comma is needed. Consider rewriting some sentences to tighten them for better flow. I hope I have helped.


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 Comment Written 31-Jan-2012

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reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012

Thank you so much for all those correction and the advice I wil try to head it. You have really helped me.

reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012

Now could you can consider an upgrade since your killing my new novel. Thanks again.

reply by WLHall on 01-Feb-2012

Sure. Have you finished revising? Let me know and I will definitely read again and upgrade.

reply by WLHall on 03-Feb-2012

Yes, better, I agree. The ending is much better. As I recall, it didn't end that way before. I read a lot, so forgive me if I'm wrong. I still like it very much. It does flow better and makes more sense with proper grammar and punctuation. You can be the most gifted writer, but without understanding grammar, punctuation, etc., your ideas won't get noticed because it can be so hard to read. I still noticed a few things--maybe I didn't see before or I left to you to find. My list before probably wasn't complete and I won't catch everything now, but here is just a short list I noticed this time around:
1st paragraph: No comma needed after "pretty"
Leave out "that I had to give to them." The next sentence clarifies you are the one giving the meds, so it's redundant.
No comma needed after "did"
If you use a semi-colon, the rule is that each part of the sentence has to read like two complete sentences. So after "myself;" rewrite something like "this was to keep the nurses..."
Paragraph about the thirty year old: leave off "I was" and instead use "me". This cuts out another "was"
Continue to tighten story by leaving out more words like "that" and "was". Sometimes it means rewriting the whole sentence without losing the meaning. This can be challenging. I don't know how many hours I spent rewriting sentences just to get rid of those repetitious words, but I think it's well worth it. Keep at it, I think you have talent, just pay more attention to the grammar and punctuation.

Comment from Janie King

Excellent

okay, I cheated and went and read the second chapter...did they find the little boy...this gives me the feeling the Alfred Hitchcock movies used to give me...like I'm waiting for the other shoe to fall..God bless.

 Comment Written 31-Jan-2012

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reply by the author on 01-Feb-2012

thanks and not in time sadly

Comment from keondae

Excellent

Interesting story. I was especially interested in the part which was given to the woman who ran away from the fire where her children were left burnt. Thank you for sharing.

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 Comment Written 31-Jan-2012

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reply by the author on 31-Jan-2012

thank you for your kind review.