The Tower
I'll do it.41 total reviews
Comment from Stephendick24
I think one of the strengths of this piece is the dialogue. It strikes me as being realistic and natural in its flow. I was also reassured to see someone else pepper their conversations with profanities. I try to cut down on them occasionally, but then I think it doesn't sound like the character's speech anymore. I suspect you feel the same way.
The ending was effective, I think. I liked the shift from the rapid-fire pace of your dialogue to a more reflective tone. I liked also the tone of resignation and mild regret. I hope that's what you wanted because that's the way I felt.
The one problem I had was the quick introduction of so many characters. That may say more about my own ADHD than the piece, however. I also appreciate your understanding the distinction between memoir and autobiography. I look forward to following this.
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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I think one of the strengths of this piece is the dialogue. It strikes me as being realistic and natural in its flow. I was also reassured to see someone else pepper their conversations with profanities. I try to cut down on them occasionally, but then I think it doesn't sound like the character's speech anymore. I suspect you feel the same way.
The ending was effective, I think. I liked the shift from the rapid-fire pace of your dialogue to a more reflective tone. I liked also the tone of resignation and mild regret. I hope that's what you wanted because that's the way I felt.
The one problem I had was the quick introduction of so many characters. That may say more about my own ADHD than the piece, however. I also appreciate your understanding the distinction between memoir and autobiography. I look forward to following this.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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I feel validated, Stephen, just getting your input on this. Most felt the same as you about the introduction. It's not your ADHD, unless that's a common malady for most of the others who read this story.
Comment from Alex Rosel
Some individual points:
"So tell me once a-fuckin'-gain--why?" - You open with speech. Many advise this is the best way to gain the reader's attention. Opening with a question, or a statement that poses a question, is another very effective technique to gain the reader's attention. You've combined both :-)
So far, his eyes had swept over my head. - Carries weight and constructed with an economy of words.
After what he must have deigned a fitting time to fade that smile... - This is weakened by must have. I'd look reword it.
"What are we, in the fifth grade?" Jay asked him, glaring. - Ditto him. I'd delete it.
Description and detail can be very powerful tool for a writer to possess. However, I think you're over-describing detail in many places. For example: ...His thighs pressed against his chest, to form a kind of sitting fetal position. This may be a lovely aside that adds to the prose, it can enhance them image you're creating in your reader's mind's eye, but when your work carries this kind of aside in almost every paragraph, the story you're telling can get lost and, the story itself, can become nothing more than an aside. Albeit, I realise that you are narrating this through the eyes of an artist.
Also, in general, I avoid multifunctional, single sentence dialogue tag. You use them frequently. For example: Jamison interrupted, giving me a quick glance. This is just a personal preference.
Sisyphean - You've taught me a new word. That gets a thumbs up from me.
You conclude with a gentle sentiment, and that rounds the piece of nicely.
Overall:
This is an intriguing piece and it reads well. My main concern is that you have too many characters and, accordingly, you need to constantly tag the dialogue as it bounces around the room. Often, I feel you use an action or observation tag to avoid a constant repetition of said. However, the action and/or observation tags begin to look contrived in places. Having said that, I enjoyed the writer's voice you adopted for it. Thank you for posting it.
Keep writing :-)
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Some individual points:
"So tell me once a-fuckin'-gain--why?" - You open with speech. Many advise this is the best way to gain the reader's attention. Opening with a question, or a statement that poses a question, is another very effective technique to gain the reader's attention. You've combined both :-)
So far, his eyes had swept over my head. - Carries weight and constructed with an economy of words.
After what he must have deigned a fitting time to fade that smile... - This is weakened by must have. I'd look reword it.
"What are we, in the fifth grade?" Jay asked him, glaring. - Ditto him. I'd delete it.
Description and detail can be very powerful tool for a writer to possess. However, I think you're over-describing detail in many places. For example: ...His thighs pressed against his chest, to form a kind of sitting fetal position. This may be a lovely aside that adds to the prose, it can enhance them image you're creating in your reader's mind's eye, but when your work carries this kind of aside in almost every paragraph, the story you're telling can get lost and, the story itself, can become nothing more than an aside. Albeit, I realise that you are narrating this through the eyes of an artist.
Also, in general, I avoid multifunctional, single sentence dialogue tag. You use them frequently. For example: Jamison interrupted, giving me a quick glance. This is just a personal preference.
Sisyphean - You've taught me a new word. That gets a thumbs up from me.
You conclude with a gentle sentiment, and that rounds the piece of nicely.
Overall:
This is an intriguing piece and it reads well. My main concern is that you have too many characters and, accordingly, you need to constantly tag the dialogue as it bounces around the room. Often, I feel you use an action or observation tag to avoid a constant repetition of said. However, the action and/or observation tags begin to look contrived in places. Having said that, I enjoyed the writer's voice you adopted for it. Thank you for posting it.
Keep writing :-)
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 23-Aug-2016
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Some excellent points. I removed "must have" from the sentence as you suggested. It's a point of view situation anyway. Your point about over describing deserves a closer look. You support your contention quite well.
Thank you, Alex, for taking the time to give this an in-depth rendering. Posts don't often get that here.
Comment from Annette Gulliver
Hi Jay. I must admit that I had to read this over again to get the full picture of who was who. Then I realised that this was from the POV of George, as he spoke to you and the others. Who was Clarence? I wondered. Nothing to do with the school? - was he an old hermit who lived in the woods and read your tarot cards? Anyway, I enjoyed your descriptions of the people in the room. The dialogue was natural as you all shared the banter about Clarence.
good luck in the contest,
Annette
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2016
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Hi Jay. I must admit that I had to read this over again to get the full picture of who was who. Then I realised that this was from the POV of George, as he spoke to you and the others. Who was Clarence? I wondered. Nothing to do with the school? - was he an old hermit who lived in the woods and read your tarot cards? Anyway, I enjoyed your descriptions of the people in the room. The dialogue was natural as you all shared the banter about Clarence.
good luck in the contest,
Annette
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2016
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Annette, thank you so much for your kindness. Yes, you hit all the major parts of it. It wasn't easy to use the 1st person POV and not have it be me. But it gave me the distance I need to get a fresh perspective of my life back then. Glad you got something out of it.
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Glad I got something right! lol
Comment from LIJ Red
Huh? There's Jay. Who George? All looking for some semblance of solid footing in a swamp of archaic psychic tools, eccentric ruptured ducks and each other... Thank goodness for your precise and descriptive writing style, Jay. According to the web there are some Tarot decks that are artistic and scary...
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2016
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Huh? There's Jay. Who George? All looking for some semblance of solid footing in a swamp of archaic psychic tools, eccentric ruptured ducks and each other... Thank goodness for your precise and descriptive writing style, Jay. According to the web there are some Tarot decks that are artistic and scary...
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 25-Aug-2016
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Jay's there. George is an artist. My legal name is George. Jay came from Jr. I've been a student of the Tarots for close to fifty years. I still learn new stuff from it. Thanks for reading and enjoying this, Red.
Comment from Phyllis Stewart
How silly we were in college, thinking we were so smart and all our thoughts were so profound. And gurus were defly cool. Too bad Clarence was a jerk. Tarot cards? Reeally? LOL!
The picture is approriate. You're brave to reveal this. :)
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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How silly we were in college, thinking we were so smart and all our thoughts were so profound. And gurus were defly cool. Too bad Clarence was a jerk. Tarot cards? Reeally? LOL!
The picture is approriate. You're brave to reveal this. :)
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Phyllis. For some reason my new computer (read: F/s Advanced Editor) won't accept pictures from Google Images. The closest I could get to the Tower on FanArt was The Fool. But it seemed to speak well for the subject.
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Jay, you can still get images from google. Just take a screenshot! I do that here where we cannot save the pics. On my mac it's shift+command+4... but I'm sure if you have a PC you can find the instructions online. You hit the keys and then draw a box around he pic and click. Easy.
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with the believers and non-believers well mixed. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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This is very well written with the believers and non-believers well mixed. There is very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 22-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Charlie. Appreciate your kind remarks.
Comment from Jacqueline M Franklin
Hi, Jay
= Nice, easy-flowing dialogue, which you are do good at.
= I reads authentic between you guys--nothing forced.
= Excellent contest entry. Good luck, my friend.
<> Shouldn't they be lowercase since possessive? his mom/dad ?
= taking his Mom and Dad to see Clarence."
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings <> Jax
<> Published as <> Jacqueline M Franklin
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Hi, Jay
= Nice, easy-flowing dialogue, which you are do good at.
= I reads authentic between you guys--nothing forced.
= Excellent contest entry. Good luck, my friend.
<> Shouldn't they be lowercase since possessive? his mom/dad ?
= taking his Mom and Dad to see Clarence."
<> A Smile Is A Frown Turned Upside-down (*>*)
<> Cheers & Blessings <> Jax
<> Published as <> Jacqueline M Franklin
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Thanks, Jax. I'll check the capping of Mom and Dad. I thought since they were titles it would be capped.
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=When possessive, my mom -- our dad -- their mom -- his dad, etc., are lower case.
=Otherwise, UPPERCASE. (*<*)
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=When possessive, my mom -- our dad -- their mom -- his dad, etc., are lower case.
=Otherwise, UPPERCASE. (*<*)
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Gotcha! Thanks.
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You're welcome. (*<*)
Comment from Delahay
I think that you did very well in giving descriptions of your characters and their personalities. I had a little problem following along with their conversations, though. I felt a little lost as to what was going on.
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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I think that you did very well in giving descriptions of your characters and their personalities. I had a little problem following along with their conversations, though. I felt a little lost as to what was going on.
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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I was trying to convey the feeling of George being in with a group of people he didn't fully know and the confusion of different personalities "attacking" from all sides. Your criticism, though, is well put and understood. I thank you and appreciate you for your comments.
Comment from KyColonel Randal
This is well-written, with concrete description that draws in the reader. It is one of those few short stories that makes me want to immediately reread it a second time. I noticed some of the swear words are misspelled, but I figured that was intentional. I have a couple proofreading suggestions which I offer below:
"Gregory, hollered toward the door "You" > Gregory hollered toward the door. "You
"whose face, just now carried" > no comma
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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This is well-written, with concrete description that draws in the reader. It is one of those few short stories that makes me want to immediately reread it a second time. I noticed some of the swear words are misspelled, but I figured that was intentional. I have a couple proofreading suggestions which I offer below:
"Gregory, hollered toward the door "You" > Gregory hollered toward the door. "You
"whose face, just now carried" > no comma
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Randal, thanks so much for your generous review and certainly the six stars. I made the two changes you suggested. I'm so grateful for your eagle eyes.
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, well it is an interesting story. It doesn't quite read like a memoir though. I would advise, if I may, that at times there may be too much descriptions in the early paragraph, that I forgot what was being said. You move away from that later on, but I would look at it again.
Good writing
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Hmm, well it is an interesting story. It doesn't quite read like a memoir though. I would advise, if I may, that at times there may be too much descriptions in the early paragraph, that I forgot what was being said. You move away from that later on, but I would look at it again.
Good writing
Comment Written 21-Aug-2016
reply by the author on 22-Aug-2016
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Thank you, Lance. I'll take a look at the early description. Your advise is always appreciated and closely considered. You caught the feeling, though, I was trying to convey, of the disjointedness of everyone's thoughts when you said you "forgot what was being said."