Life, Love, and Other Disasters
Viewing comments for Chapter 5 "Petty Temples"A collection of poems on these themes
46 total reviews
Comment from rama devi
Villanelles are hard to write well. You've got a great one here! I love how you modified the refrains as well. Bravo. While the theme is not one I particularly resonate with, I have to give a six for the superb masterful crafting!
Wow--what an intense poem. This opening sets the tone and tenor powerfully:
Tear down your petty temples raised to fear,
those citadels of hope, mere crumbling stone;(AWESOME LINE!)
These lines make me think of Jesus tumbling the vendor's tables outside the temple:
Relinquish all the baubles once held dear;
your garden of delight lies overgrown.
Intense and well voiced:
You thought that love could save you? Shed a tear;
that guardian angel's just a wizened crone,
and I am Storm; you know my time is near.
Superb alliteration and consonance of F and S here (and expressive content):
Let foolish dreams, those false friends, disappear.
Strip off the mask, let secrets all be known.
Superb C-K resonance with cavalier and king and forsaken:
Forsaken are those days so cavalier;
the King is dead; on his abandoned throne
Awesome personification of time with apt imagery:
Now savage time has hurled his deathly spear,
and winter winds all taunt with ceaseless moan.
What a scary poem! Whew!
Trembling,
rd
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
  |
Villanelles are hard to write well. You've got a great one here! I love how you modified the refrains as well. Bravo. While the theme is not one I particularly resonate with, I have to give a six for the superb masterful crafting!
Wow--what an intense poem. This opening sets the tone and tenor powerfully:
Tear down your petty temples raised to fear,
those citadels of hope, mere crumbling stone;(AWESOME LINE!)
These lines make me think of Jesus tumbling the vendor's tables outside the temple:
Relinquish all the baubles once held dear;
your garden of delight lies overgrown.
Intense and well voiced:
You thought that love could save you? Shed a tear;
that guardian angel's just a wizened crone,
and I am Storm; you know my time is near.
Superb alliteration and consonance of F and S here (and expressive content):
Let foolish dreams, those false friends, disappear.
Strip off the mask, let secrets all be known.
Superb C-K resonance with cavalier and king and forsaken:
Forsaken are those days so cavalier;
the King is dead; on his abandoned throne
Awesome personification of time with apt imagery:
Now savage time has hurled his deathly spear,
and winter winds all taunt with ceaseless moan.
What a scary poem! Whew!
Trembling,
rd
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
-
Rama, thanks for the great review as always. I'm sure your own faith is strong enough and serene enough to withstand the odd scary poem!
This is my first villanelle, and I spent longer than usual on it to 'shape' it how I wanted, and specifically to infuse it with that intensity, so I am glad you felt it. It seems to have drifted right by some reviewers, and somehow, at least three have replaced temples with castles in their reading of the poem, which doesn't inspire confidence in their interpretation...
I have organised a villanelle contest, but I won't be entering myself unless there's an empty spot - looking unlikely at the moment. However, I did want to write one just to get the feel for it. I am so glad you thought it worked.
Steve
-
Thanks or your thoughtful reply, dear Steve. I find villanelles a huge challenge for some reason, even though i love rhyme and meter. I've never written one I was satisfied with.
How nice you sponsored a contest.
Sorry the reviewers are misreading. that can be frustrating. Console yourself that it is more likely thier lack of attention than your poem's fault. :)
Love,
rd
Comment from Leineco
Outstanding write Steve! Spot on villanelle, and a wonderful
presentation of the "flip side of the coin".
I loved the "raised TO fear" and "just a wizened crone"
and found
the King is dead; on his abandoned throne
I sit, the Storm; and lo, my time is near.
was perfection in phrasing.
I'm pretty sure you reign supreme in the Land of Villanelle ;-)
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
|
Outstanding write Steve! Spot on villanelle, and a wonderful
presentation of the "flip side of the coin".
I loved the "raised TO fear" and "just a wizened crone"
and found
the King is dead; on his abandoned throne
I sit, the Storm; and lo, my time is near.
was perfection in phrasing.
I'm pretty sure you reign supreme in the Land of Villanelle ;-)
Comment Written 12-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
-
King of Villanelle does have a nice ring to it! :O)
Thanks so much for the great review and the six stars. i did put a little extra into composing this one - my first in this form, I think.
Steve
Comment from jusylee72
Old fashioned poem beautifully written on this fall day. I feel the darkness and fear of the unknown throughout it. Death is awaiting around the corner in the darkness. Very well done.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
 |
Old fashioned poem beautifully written on this fall day. I feel the darkness and fear of the unknown throughout it. Death is awaiting around the corner in the darkness. Very well done.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
-
Thank you!
Yes, that's probably the best interpretation of 'Storm' in the poem. he's gonna get us all one way or another...
Steve
Comment from lancellot
Hmm, it is interesting and the form is good. I find myself wondering what the petty temples raised to fear are? I'm not sure what faith this speaking of or faith in what.
Maybe it's me.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
|
Hmm, it is interesting and the form is good. I find myself wondering what the petty temples raised to fear are? I'm not sure what faith this speaking of or faith in what.
Maybe it's me.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
-
Lance, you are right to question the meaning and how this relates to faith.
Without wanting to impose my own ideas too much, I can say that the temples represent all the trappings of conventional religious faith, and that this poem is challenging that and possibly suggesting that faith is futile in the face of death. Of course many will disagree with that.
Thanks for taking the time to read and review.
Steve
Comment from Nika2016
Well the poet seems to threaten the Storm because he found that love is just a wizened crone? Sexist a bit? And how aged does he appear in her eyes? A fool who only seeks youth? A pedophile per se?
The reader finds superficiality in the narrator...but death comes to all who fail to see life's color and fantasy.. this is ageing. A thinking poem.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
|
Well the poet seems to threaten the Storm because he found that love is just a wizened crone? Sexist a bit? And how aged does he appear in her eyes? A fool who only seeks youth? A pedophile per se?
The reader finds superficiality in the narrator...but death comes to all who fail to see life's color and fantasy.. this is ageing. A thinking poem.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
-
Thanks, Nika.
I think perhaps you have focused a little too much on a few lines, and perhaps lost sight of the more obvious - that the temples represent religion, and that they are futile in the face of the coming storm. The 'love', then, is not romantic love, but an element of religion which is also shown to be futile...
Steve
Comment from Irish Rain
Aha. A crusader!!! Rider of the storm, who is the storm. Total contempt of the fear that raises those petty temples, I like this. It reminds me of that old poem, Invictus...the master of your fate.....a very strong write here friend....blessings....
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
|
Aha. A crusader!!! Rider of the storm, who is the storm. Total contempt of the fear that raises those petty temples, I like this. It reminds me of that old poem, Invictus...the master of your fate.....a very strong write here friend....blessings....
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
-
'Invictus' is a great poem. As I recall, the poet was himself facing horrendous challenges in his own life... loss of a leg? other major health issues? It is remarkable that he could pen such an optimistic and uplifting piece.
Thank you for the thoughtful and flattering review.
Steve
Comment from dragonpoet
This well states the feeling of a person who realizes what he has amassed in life isn't important and he need no longer fear death. He is ready to see the King on His throne and not a throne made for himself during life, but now abandoned in time of death.
Good luck and keep writing
Joan
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
|
This well states the feeling of a person who realizes what he has amassed in life isn't important and he need no longer fear death. He is ready to see the King on His throne and not a throne made for himself during life, but now abandoned in time of death.
Good luck and keep writing
Joan
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
-
Thanks, Joan.
Yours is one of several different interpretations of the meaning of the poem - I appreciate each fresh perspective.
Steve
-
You're welcome. It is a good poem if it can mean so many things.
Joan
Comment from Barb Hensongispsaca
I am amazed at this form and according to your notes, it is perfect.
And the advice makes perfect sense from start to finish .
the rhyme and flow are spot on making it easy to read and understand.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
|
I am amazed at this form and according to your notes, it is perfect.
And the advice makes perfect sense from start to finish .
the rhyme and flow are spot on making it easy to read and understand.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
-
Thanks, Barb. I am glad you enjoyed my little rant.
Steve
Comment from Sasha
I love your slightly modified villanelle, not that I could possibly understand the complicated rules... they are all complicated to me which is why I do not write poetry. But I like the powerful nature of this one. Beautifully written and I also like the slightly changed repeating lines. Great entry for the Faith Poetry Contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
|
I love your slightly modified villanelle, not that I could possibly understand the complicated rules... they are all complicated to me which is why I do not write poetry. But I like the powerful nature of this one. Beautifully written and I also like the slightly changed repeating lines. Great entry for the Faith Poetry Contest and I sincerely wish you all the best.
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
-
Thanks, Sasha.
I did spend a little more time than usual on this one, attempting to infuse it with that 'powerful nature' you mention.
Steve
Comment from DR DIP
what a wonderful write Steve you have a beautiful way with words Your word combinations are awesome I like the repetition of the theme line but I suppose that's what a Villanelle is hey well the rules of one. I have never attempted a Villanelle i will leave it to the experts
well done a good read
dip
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
|
what a wonderful write Steve you have a beautiful way with words Your word combinations are awesome I like the repetition of the theme line but I suppose that's what a Villanelle is hey well the rules of one. I have never attempted a Villanelle i will leave it to the experts
well done a good read
dip
Comment Written 11-Sep-2016
reply by the author on 14-Sep-2016
-
Dip, thanks so much for the warm review and the six shiny stars.
Steve
