Broken Promise
The realization of the Greatest Gift of All.62 total reviews
Comment from humpwhistle
I like the scene where the boy demolishes his army men. I suspected this might be a story of man or mom who didn't make it back from a deployment.
Oh, and there is no Santa Clause (Claus).
Congratulations on your win.
Peace, Lee
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
  |
I like the scene where the boy demolishes his army men. I suspected this might be a story of man or mom who didn't make it back from a deployment.
Oh, and there is no Santa Clause (Claus).
Congratulations on your win.
Peace, Lee
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
-
Thank you so much, Lee, for taking time to read my story. You are the first one to notice that, including me. LOL! Your kind words, suggestion, and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from ElegantButler
That was a really good story. It was really touching to see how the two old ladies cared so much for little Timmy. Was his father a soldier who died? It seems that way given how little he came to see the boy along with Timmy's playing with the old Army Men.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
|
That was a really good story. It was really touching to see how the two old ladies cared so much for little Timmy. Was his father a soldier who died? It seems that way given how little he came to see the boy along with Timmy's playing with the old Army Men.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
-
Thank you so much, ElegantButler, for taking time to read my story. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. Of course, this was fiction (wink, wink) but I did want someone to wonder about his dad being an army guy, and I'm so glad you did. :-)
Comment from JDRBAR
Beautifully written and well deserving of a first place. About the only thing I would add would be a hint of a reason why the parents didn't show up. Great story.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
|
Beautifully written and well deserving of a first place. About the only thing I would add would be a hint of a reason why the parents didn't show up. Great story.
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
-
Thank you so much, JDRBAR, for taking time to read my story. At one point I considered an explanation about his parents, but decided against it to let the reader's mind run wild. Of course, it is why I added him playing with the soldiers. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
Comment from RPSaxena
Hello Myworld,
It's a worth enjoying piece of General Fiction.
Impressive and matching the theme phraseology.
Smooth and captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end.
You have depicted the theme beautifully, and in a very interesting way.
The Contest Winner! CONGRATULATIONS!!
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
 |
Hello Myworld,
It's a worth enjoying piece of General Fiction.
Impressive and matching the theme phraseology.
Smooth and captivating flow throughout from the beginning to the end.
You have depicted the theme beautifully, and in a very interesting way.
The Contest Winner! CONGRATULATIONS!!
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
-
It's always an honor for such an outstanding wordsmith as yourself to take time out to read one of my stories. Your kind words, along with the generous and special six-star review are greatly appreciated. Thank you, my friend. :-)
-
Ric Myworld, Most Welcome!
~ RP
Comment from trumby
Mate. This has got to be one of the most beautiful, sad stories that I've ever heard. I don't wish to sound overly sentimental, but my eyes were moist by the time that I finished reading this one.
I thought, "The poor, little bugger."
Reading between the lines, it's possible to see that the little bloke probably knows that he's getting treated like shit, but he's trying to pump them up as much as possible
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
|
Mate. This has got to be one of the most beautiful, sad stories that I've ever heard. I don't wish to sound overly sentimental, but my eyes were moist by the time that I finished reading this one.
I thought, "The poor, little bugger."
Reading between the lines, it's possible to see that the little bloke probably knows that he's getting treated like shit, but he's trying to pump them up as much as possible
Comment Written 09-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
-
Thank you so much, Trumby, for taking time to read my story. There are a couple little subtle things I've thrown in, like the little boy playing with the army men to give a hint. LOL! Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated and I'm so glad you liked it. :-)
Comment from Spitfire
What a powerful story. You had me weeping for this poor boy whose parents didn't care about him. This may be fiction, but does happen more often than we'd like to think. A lot of "grandmothers' have had to take on the job their child forsake. Your message comes through clear. So glad I had parents who loved me unconditionally and was lucky to find a man who feels the same way. Married 53 years now and still going strong.
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
|
What a powerful story. You had me weeping for this poor boy whose parents didn't care about him. This may be fiction, but does happen more often than we'd like to think. A lot of "grandmothers' have had to take on the job their child forsake. Your message comes through clear. So glad I had parents who loved me unconditionally and was lucky to find a man who feels the same way. Married 53 years now and still going strong.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 09-Aug-2017
-
Congratulations! Fifty-three-years with even the greatest man or women in the world sounds like a chore. LOL! Thank you so much, Spitfire, for taking time to read my story. You probably don't know this, but when I first came to Fan Story I started reading the history poems of someone whom I grew very fond of as a friend and mentor. I barely knew the difference between a noun and a verb. Well, maybe a little more, but not much. My friend convinced me that I should read everything of yours that I could about writing, which I promptly did. Some of it I remembered, some I would forget, but whenever I needed to, I re-read your posts. A couple times over the last 3 or 4 years you have read one of my stories and given me great reviews that swell my heart and head. I thought many times about giving up what I considered an almost hopeless task, but thanks you my friend, along with others, I kept writing. I just thought you might like to know that little tidbit of information. The biggest things in life start with one screw, bolt, or tiny chip of knowledge. Your help, kind words, and extra-special six-star review are greatly appreciated! Thanks again. :-)
-
It's good to hear that my posts about better writing are helping someone. I still have lots to learn and do so by reading the cream of the crop. (pardon the cliché)Reading is really the best way to learn. I check out books that have won prizes. Best-sellers are not always the best-written. Please keep on writing. It's what keeps me sane.
Comment from Analie Shepherd
This story has such promise! It is about love and hope ... and yet you start out by having two people viciously attack each other, using hateful, degrading language. It set us up to dislike Helen, your heroine. She cares about the little boy across the street, but not about the man she vowed to cherish, living in her own home. It is incongruent.
Your first two sentences should possibly be combined in one paragraph? A paragraph really should be more than one sentence long.
Third paragraph, second sentence ... has no subject.
"Killing them off in a fierce, make-believe battle, one by one--grinding the figures into the ground, beneath puffs of dust--then, throwing a soldier in the air as his voice mimics the sounds of massive explosions."
Of course, we know it is the little boy killing them off ... but it doesn't say this!
I applaud you for writing a story that flows so well, for giving us distinct characters, and for the punctuation during the dialogue, as many people struggle with how to do that. Good for you!
Having many grandchildren, and having taught young children for years, I can tell you that a five-year-old child does not think in terms of things happening in terms of years. Remember, they have only two years, at the most, of cognitive understanding of time. When Timmy says, "in the good years" it is jarring. A five-year old would not say that. Always make sure your characters are true to who you set them up to be.
The meaning of your story is lovely. As a grandmother providing much of the care and nurture for two young grandchildren, it was so sweet to read your ending. Well done, as far as the intent and meaning of your story. I enjoyed it.
Keep writing! Blessings, Analie
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
 |
This story has such promise! It is about love and hope ... and yet you start out by having two people viciously attack each other, using hateful, degrading language. It set us up to dislike Helen, your heroine. She cares about the little boy across the street, but not about the man she vowed to cherish, living in her own home. It is incongruent.
Your first two sentences should possibly be combined in one paragraph? A paragraph really should be more than one sentence long.
Third paragraph, second sentence ... has no subject.
"Killing them off in a fierce, make-believe battle, one by one--grinding the figures into the ground, beneath puffs of dust--then, throwing a soldier in the air as his voice mimics the sounds of massive explosions."
Of course, we know it is the little boy killing them off ... but it doesn't say this!
I applaud you for writing a story that flows so well, for giving us distinct characters, and for the punctuation during the dialogue, as many people struggle with how to do that. Good for you!
Having many grandchildren, and having taught young children for years, I can tell you that a five-year-old child does not think in terms of things happening in terms of years. Remember, they have only two years, at the most, of cognitive understanding of time. When Timmy says, "in the good years" it is jarring. A five-year old would not say that. Always make sure your characters are true to who you set them up to be.
The meaning of your story is lovely. As a grandmother providing much of the care and nurture for two young grandchildren, it was so sweet to read your ending. Well done, as far as the intent and meaning of your story. I enjoyed it.
Keep writing! Blessings, Analie
Comment Written 08-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
-
Thank you for taking time to read my story. I am very aware of what children do, and at what ages they do them, as I have taught them for 44 years, from early age through college. As a matter of fact I still work with children every day. Everything in this story is said exactly the way I intended. I'm sorry you didn't like it or agree, but it's my story and the people are geared toward the characters I have chosen to create. It amazes me that I get all fives and sixes from very talented writers, and then I get two threes. Somebody is way off somewhere it appears. I sure am glad you enjoyed it, or I might have gotten a minus ten.
-
Sorry my review offended you. My goal here is to improve ... I thought that was how everybody felt. Remember, my review is simply my opinion. My opinion is not a judgement. If others thought your piece deserved five stars, great! That is their opinion.
Comment from Mrs Happy Poet
Oh my friend this is very well written and such a beautiful story it is hard for children when there parents don't turn up when there meant to well done regards Jill
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
|
Oh my friend this is very well written and such a beautiful story it is hard for children when there parents don't turn up when there meant to well done regards Jill
Comment Written 08-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
-
Thank you so much, Mrs. Happy Poet, for taking time to read my story. Yes, sadly, there are too many forgotten people in this world, young and old alike. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated.
Comment from Thal1959
Very well written and very true. I remember a little boy barely more than a toddler who lived next door in the mobile-home park I lived in when I was in the Navy. He played in the dirt all alone. Got so dirty, the next time I saw him he was scrubbed clean and his hair shaved. Apparently was so dirty for so long he got ill. I would wish you good luck in the contest - but being the only entry, it looks pretty good for you.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
|
Very well written and very true. I remember a little boy barely more than a toddler who lived next door in the mobile-home park I lived in when I was in the Navy. He played in the dirt all alone. Got so dirty, the next time I saw him he was scrubbed clean and his hair shaved. Apparently was so dirty for so long he got ill. I would wish you good luck in the contest - but being the only entry, it looks pretty good for you.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
-
Wow, I'm the only entry? Well, that's no fun at all. Thank you so much for taking time to read my story. Sadly, there are many forgotten people in this world, young and old alike. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)
-
Well, at least you got your member dollars back and a free 1st place ribbon!
-
Yes, but I wonder what someone might give me for the ribbon? LOL! It doesn't mean a lot without any competition. Besides, if there weren't any others, why not just give me my five bucks back and cancel the competition. I have regular readers who might have liked to read it. Maybe they wouldn't give me three-star reviews to make sure they eliminate my sixes. LOL! Oh, well, I enjoyed writing it and I'm so thankful for those of you who did. :-)
Comment from Bill Schott
This story has a terrific blend of crusty old lady and tear-jerky sentiment. It's tough being one of those kids waiting for a sucky mom or dad to make a showing. Nice story.
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
|
This story has a terrific blend of crusty old lady and tear-jerky sentiment. It's tough being one of those kids waiting for a sucky mom or dad to make a showing. Nice story.
Comment Written 08-Aug-2017
reply by the author on 08-Aug-2017
-
Thank you so much, Bill Schott, for taking time to read my story. Yes, sadly, there are too many forgotten people in this world, young and old alike. Your kind words and generous review are greatly appreciated. :-)