Where Jenny Lies
Ghost of a little girl57 total reviews
Comment from nancy_e_davis
Well done, Willie. How terrible to think of a small girl being the only survivor of a wagon train. What a great poem to tell the story. Well done. God Bless.You. Nancy:)
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Well done, Willie. How terrible to think of a small girl being the only survivor of a wagon train. What a great poem to tell the story. Well done. God Bless.You. Nancy:)
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
Comment from evilynne
What a lovely sad ghost story! It is well written, and the picture is nice (I am a fan of cleo85).e Your poem is haunting and well presented. I'm sorry that I have no sixers left). Evi
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What a lovely sad ghost story! It is well written, and the picture is nice (I am a fan of cleo85).e Your poem is haunting and well presented. I'm sorry that I have no sixers left). Evi
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
Comment from CD Richards
An imaginative and entertaining story.
I can't help wondering if some of your stories recount atrocities committed upon, not by, Indian people. Hopefully so, as I think there's a lot to be told there as well.
I found the changing meter (iambic to anapestic to trochaic) made me pause and interrupted the flow in places, but on the whole, a pleasing ghost story.
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An imaginative and entertaining story.
I can't help wondering if some of your stories recount atrocities committed upon, not by, Indian people. Hopefully so, as I think there's a lot to be told there as well.
I found the changing meter (iambic to anapestic to trochaic) made me pause and interrupted the flow in places, but on the whole, a pleasing ghost story.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
Comment from jake cosmos aller
powerful and moving poem done in your cowboy poetry style. I like the way you did things, good story line as well. I like the last few lines the best.
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powerful and moving poem done in your cowboy poetry style. I like the way you did things, good story line as well. I like the last few lines the best.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
Comment from Cathy M
What a heart wrenching story about the ghost of a little girl. You kept the story moving forward with the structure of the poem. One thing it almost verged on sing song when reading and distracted from the story of Jenny. Just a small thing but wanted you to be aware. Lovely poem.
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What a heart wrenching story about the ghost of a little girl. You kept the story moving forward with the structure of the poem. One thing it almost verged on sing song when reading and distracted from the story of Jenny. Just a small thing but wanted you to be aware. Lovely poem.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
Comment from JT traveller
A magnificent, evocative poem, full of emotion and tells a gritty, well thought out story.
You continue to inspire Willie. This, in my humble opinion, is one of your best.
I can hear it read alone in a slow, deep voiced Southern drawl.
Warm regards,
Jacqueline
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A magnificent, evocative poem, full of emotion and tells a gritty, well thought out story.
You continue to inspire Willie. This, in my humble opinion, is one of your best.
I can hear it read alone in a slow, deep voiced Southern drawl.
Warm regards,
Jacqueline
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
Comment from Sally Law
Wow! This is stunning, Willie. Did this just happen? Beautifully written and illustrated with a picture of Jenny. Virtual six for this one with compliments. Sending you my best today as always,
Sal XOs
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Wow! This is stunning, Willie. Did this just happen? Beautifully written and illustrated with a picture of Jenny. Virtual six for this one with compliments. Sending you my best today as always,
Sal XOs
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
Comment from Paul Manton
Thanks, Willie - a really well-told story, though it's surprising that the Indians didn't take her with them (to be part of the tribe as a 'trophy')
That aside, this is told as a realistic story of a vulnerable child, who died in tragic circumstances. It therefore falls into the category of a Ballad.
Like a lot of ballads, it has four/three beat stanzas, rhyming on the even lines.
At this point I get to my suggestions for improvement, Willie: it doesn't worry me that you sometimes have stress on the second, sometimes on the first beat - that can work well, and, in the first verse it makes it more interesting to read aloud. Verse two, however, in completely different from verse one, with some anapaestic rhythm, which is really surprising, and not easy to read. That means you have only three long beats in line one.
However, there are just a few lines that don't work rhythmically: 'It was heartbreaking talking to her' puts stress on the wrong words; 'Indians left with many trophies/From members of the wagon train' is a scramble that you could revise; 'Over a hundred years ago, Jenny had lived' has too many syllables for comfort. Finally, the last verse has such a loose rhythm that it's difficult to know how to read it.
Well, if you are not annoyed by now, I admire your patience. I wouldn't have been this detailed if I thought you were a poor poet, Willie - but this is the problem of rhymed poetry. It has constraints which free verse doesn't have.
When you start a poem like this, decide what the rhythm is (three, four or five beats) what the stress pattern is (DUM -da or da-DUM) and then let the rhyme sort itself out. If you want to have a freer rhythm, don't use a strict rhyming pattern at all.
But, above all, keep going and keep enjoying it. Good luck with all your future writing, Willie.
Paul
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Thanks, Willie - a really well-told story, though it's surprising that the Indians didn't take her with them (to be part of the tribe as a 'trophy')
That aside, this is told as a realistic story of a vulnerable child, who died in tragic circumstances. It therefore falls into the category of a Ballad.
Like a lot of ballads, it has four/three beat stanzas, rhyming on the even lines.
At this point I get to my suggestions for improvement, Willie: it doesn't worry me that you sometimes have stress on the second, sometimes on the first beat - that can work well, and, in the first verse it makes it more interesting to read aloud. Verse two, however, in completely different from verse one, with some anapaestic rhythm, which is really surprising, and not easy to read. That means you have only three long beats in line one.
However, there are just a few lines that don't work rhythmically: 'It was heartbreaking talking to her' puts stress on the wrong words; 'Indians left with many trophies/From members of the wagon train' is a scramble that you could revise; 'Over a hundred years ago, Jenny had lived' has too many syllables for comfort. Finally, the last verse has such a loose rhythm that it's difficult to know how to read it.
Well, if you are not annoyed by now, I admire your patience. I wouldn't have been this detailed if I thought you were a poor poet, Willie - but this is the problem of rhymed poetry. It has constraints which free verse doesn't have.
When you start a poem like this, decide what the rhythm is (three, four or five beats) what the stress pattern is (DUM -da or da-DUM) and then let the rhyme sort itself out. If you want to have a freer rhythm, don't use a strict rhyming pattern at all.
But, above all, keep going and keep enjoying it. Good luck with all your future writing, Willie.
Paul
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
Comment from BethShelby
This is an eerie story of how a little ghost girl appears in a dream aid searching for her family. The dreamer tries to explain that it is because she died that she can't find her family. Perhaps she moves on to another realm where her family is waiting for her. Nice story in poem.
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This is an eerie story of how a little ghost girl appears in a dream aid searching for her family. The dreamer tries to explain that it is because she died that she can't find her family. Perhaps she moves on to another realm where her family is waiting for her. Nice story in poem.
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
Comment from Goodadvicechan
It is so sad to see a girl, at the age of six or seven going through such a horrible experience.
She was left alone from the wagon train. She couldn't find her family. One could imagine how scared she was..,
Thank you for sharing
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It is so sad to see a girl, at the age of six or seven going through such a horrible experience.
She was left alone from the wagon train. She couldn't find her family. One could imagine how scared she was..,
Thank you for sharing
Comment Written 23-Jun-2023
