Betrayal
Viewing comments for Chapter 16 "Betrayal Chapter 16"In the title.
44 total reviews
Comment from Pantygynt
This has many of the features necessary for an exciting story. In your notes you mention Grant as ex SAS Commander. The SAS is part of the army and has army ranks. He might have been a lieutenant, captain or perhaps a major. Anything above that rank would be largely administrative. If boats are going to be heavily involved it might be better to have him as ex SBS (an ex Royal Marines Officer) the ranks would be the same.
I t seems we are both cracking up. I suddenly developed a gushing nose bleed in the middle of reading this. Not something I am used to, though as an ex first aider I knew what to do.
'He noted, ruefully, it was the same spot behind the hedge Monica had unsuccessfully hidden behind, and her blanket they were laying on.' - This is a bit confusing I think it has to do with the repetition of 'behind'.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2021
  |
This has many of the features necessary for an exciting story. In your notes you mention Grant as ex SAS Commander. The SAS is part of the army and has army ranks. He might have been a lieutenant, captain or perhaps a major. Anything above that rank would be largely administrative. If boats are going to be heavily involved it might be better to have him as ex SBS (an ex Royal Marines Officer) the ranks would be the same.
I t seems we are both cracking up. I suddenly developed a gushing nose bleed in the middle of reading this. Not something I am used to, though as an ex first aider I knew what to do.
'He noted, ruefully, it was the same spot behind the hedge Monica had unsuccessfully hidden behind, and her blanket they were laying on.' - This is a bit confusing I think it has to do with the repetition of 'behind'.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2021
-
Thank you, Jim. Reading what you've put about the SAS, and I really only know what I see on the films, which isn't a lot. I've taken the SAS bit out, and will edit it out of the previous parts. I've just put Army. This story is a bit like my life, it keeps changing direction. I'm looking forward to reading what I put next!!
I've changed the part you mentioned and taken out one 'hidden' and reshaped the sentence.
I'm sorry you had such a nose bleed. I used to have them as a child. I'll make a swap ... my shingles for your nose bleed???? Thanks again, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
-
I wasn't worried about you using SAS what I was concerned about was your use of the nava rank, Commander, for army personnel. Sorry if I didn't make that clear.
-
No, that's fine. I need to know what I'm writing about, it was a foolish thing on my part. My family are all royal navy! Not that I know a great deal more about them. Lol.
Comment from BethShelby
Tanya is resourceful. If she can't escape at least she has a weapon. I guess her best hope is if Grant and his team can find Colin. This is a an exciting story and I'm enjoying it. I look forward to the next chapter.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2021
|
Tanya is resourceful. If she can't escape at least she has a weapon. I guess her best hope is if Grant and his team can find Colin. This is a an exciting story and I'm enjoying it. I look forward to the next chapter.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2021
-
Thank you so much, Beth! I'm so pleased you are still enjoying my story. Have a lovely day, my friend. :)) Sanrdra xx
Comment from Leann DS
Well done. This chapter has a lot a detail that helps to allow the reader to imagine being in that scene. I hope the next part is unique and creative, as a predictable next scene would be a bummer.
I found two errors:
She looked at her watch again. As far as she knew there hadn't been sight nor sound from Colin for at least a couple of hours, unless he'd been there while she was alseep. She must have water, but she needed the bathroom first.
("alseep" s/b "asleep")
last part of the "previous chapter "
Jeff nodded, already getting out the car. 'I'll be across the road. Nice to meet you, Maam.' With a smile, he slammed the door and hurried away.
s/b "out of the car"
Another suggestion I have is to cut up the longer dialogue with some behavioral or emotional descriptions. Just a thought to add a more clear picture.
Good job... And I hope she kicks some butt! Blessings.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2021
|
Well done. This chapter has a lot a detail that helps to allow the reader to imagine being in that scene. I hope the next part is unique and creative, as a predictable next scene would be a bummer.
I found two errors:
She looked at her watch again. As far as she knew there hadn't been sight nor sound from Colin for at least a couple of hours, unless he'd been there while she was alseep. She must have water, but she needed the bathroom first.
("alseep" s/b "asleep")
last part of the "previous chapter "
Jeff nodded, already getting out the car. 'I'll be across the road. Nice to meet you, Maam.' With a smile, he slammed the door and hurried away.
s/b "out of the car"
Another suggestion I have is to cut up the longer dialogue with some behavioral or emotional descriptions. Just a thought to add a more clear picture.
Good job... And I hope she kicks some butt! Blessings.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2021
-
Aw, thank you for pointing out those errors, I've been in and corrected them. I'll take another look at the longer dialogue parts. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Have a nice day! :)) Sandra xx
Comment from Raffaelina Lowcock
Sandra the suspense is growing. The success that Tania has in breaking off one of the table's legs, is very encouraging. Now where in the H...
is Colin? Can't wait for the next chapter!
Ralf
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2021
|
Sandra the suspense is growing. The success that Tania has in breaking off one of the table's legs, is very encouraging. Now where in the H...
is Colin? Can't wait for the next chapter!
Ralf
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 10-Jan-2021
reply by the author on 10-Jan-2021
-
Thank you for another lovely review, Ralf. Have a lovely day, my friend. :)) Sandra xx
