Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Those Sad Brown Eyes"A book of a mixture of stories
60 total reviews
Comment from patwannabe
Wow, Carol, this is marvelous. You had me on the edge of my chair through the whole thing. I was afraid they would get there too late. That was top level entertainment. There are some really good entries in this contest and I'm glad I don't have to choose, but you definitely have a good chance to win. Great write. pat
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Wow, Carol, this is marvelous. You had me on the edge of my chair through the whole thing. I was afraid they would get there too late. That was top level entertainment. There are some really good entries in this contest and I'm glad I don't have to choose, but you definitely have a good chance to win. Great write. pat
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Pat...Thank you so much for your awesome review. You definitely made my day. Thanks again - Carol
Comment from Blaidd Drwg
Carol, this is superb! The idea is terrific, and the way you develop the plot and the characters is really well done. Love that this teenage boy that just wouldn't give up on his intuition. And the fact that he was able to save a young woman from what was probably a terrible fate is just so rewarding, heart-warming.
She'd been buying her groceries and was eager to share the details while ice cream was melting all over our table. Gossip reins! My dog, Charlie, was overjoyed with Mrs. Peterson's visit and proceeded to lick the kitchen floor clean. - This is fabulous--adds a real touch of realism to the piece.
My fears had tumbled out of my mouth - GREAT line!
Standing beside Mr. Taylor was Officer Keaton, Wheaton's one-man police force.-- you previously told us Officer Keaton was Wheaton's only cop--I would drop it second time around.
Sometimes late at night, I lie awake, thinking about her. I close my eyes and see those dark brown eyes smiling at me. Feeling at peace, I drift away to dream. WONDERFUL ending; perfect short-story ending. Let us come to our own idea of whether or not Jake ever met this mysterious young woman again.
We felt the tension all the way through, which made the relief we felt at the end so much more palpable!
Great contest entry. I wasn't going to enter, but you have inspired me. :)
John
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Carol, this is superb! The idea is terrific, and the way you develop the plot and the characters is really well done. Love that this teenage boy that just wouldn't give up on his intuition. And the fact that he was able to save a young woman from what was probably a terrible fate is just so rewarding, heart-warming.
She'd been buying her groceries and was eager to share the details while ice cream was melting all over our table. Gossip reins! My dog, Charlie, was overjoyed with Mrs. Peterson's visit and proceeded to lick the kitchen floor clean. - This is fabulous--adds a real touch of realism to the piece.
My fears had tumbled out of my mouth - GREAT line!
Standing beside Mr. Taylor was Officer Keaton, Wheaton's one-man police force.-- you previously told us Officer Keaton was Wheaton's only cop--I would drop it second time around.
Sometimes late at night, I lie awake, thinking about her. I close my eyes and see those dark brown eyes smiling at me. Feeling at peace, I drift away to dream. WONDERFUL ending; perfect short-story ending. Let us come to our own idea of whether or not Jake ever met this mysterious young woman again.
We felt the tension all the way through, which made the relief we felt at the end so much more palpable!
Great contest entry. I wasn't going to enter, but you have inspired me. :)
John
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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John..
Good for you! Inspiration is a wonderful tribute. Not only that you thought my story was great too. Thanks so much for all your kind and much appreciated words. Carol
Comment from dportwood
What a good story! You developed it nicely giving it a beginning, middle, and ending. There was a well defined situation, uncertainty, and conflict. Excellent! and good luck in the contest.
I did notice this:
and mostly likely incoherent.
'mostly' should be 'most'.
Duane
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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What a good story! You developed it nicely giving it a beginning, middle, and ending. There was a well defined situation, uncertainty, and conflict. Excellent! and good luck in the contest.
I did notice this:
and mostly likely incoherent.
'mostly' should be 'most'.
Duane
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Duane...Thank you for catching that spag for me. Greatly appreciate it. These tired old eyes miss things lately. Glad you appreciated the story. Thanks again Carol
Comment from Phil Kitom
Well you have certainly made a good story out of this
and the example of using the girl as the centre of a
kidnapping really brings a strong character into play.
I am sure Jake will continue to dream of the beauty for
the rest of his life.. And who knows.. They may meet again.
Well done and good luck in he contest...
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Well you have certainly made a good story out of this
and the example of using the girl as the centre of a
kidnapping really brings a strong character into play.
I am sure Jake will continue to dream of the beauty for
the rest of his life.. And who knows.. They may meet again.
Well done and good luck in he contest...
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Phil...Thanks for the kind comments. I do believe Jake will continue dreaming of her and maybe..just maybe they'll meet again. Thanks again Carol
Comment from AlvinTEthington
You write very well. This flowed nicely and I read it in one sitting. The suspense builds up slowly as the reader realizes the girl is in more and more serious trouble.
The ending is a bit literarily "flat." However, it is probably true to reality. I would have liked to have seen the narrator meet the girl. But given the trauma runaways go through, that would have been unlikely. So to stay true to the real situation, you had no choice but to end it this way. You write well with the voice of an adolescent.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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You write very well. This flowed nicely and I read it in one sitting. The suspense builds up slowly as the reader realizes the girl is in more and more serious trouble.
The ending is a bit literarily "flat." However, it is probably true to reality. I would have liked to have seen the narrator meet the girl. But given the trauma runaways go through, that would have been unlikely. So to stay true to the real situation, you had no choice but to end it this way. You write well with the voice of an adolescent.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Alvin...Thank you very much for your kind words. As other readers have suggested, maybe Jake's dreams will lead to a reunion with Marley at some time. Thanks again for your comments. Carol
Comment from BethShelby
This is another great that I managed to read back when. My rating won't count.
Beth
This is the great story. It held my attention from beginning to end. I would say it would likely be a winner except the strong character in your story was the narrator rather than the girl in the pictures. We don't know much about her other than she was a run-away who had been kidnapped.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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This is another great that I managed to read back when. My rating won't count.
Beth
This is the great story. It held my attention from beginning to end. I would say it would likely be a winner except the strong character in your story was the narrator rather than the girl in the pictures. We don't know much about her other than she was a run-away who had been kidnapped.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Beth...I was under the impression that it didn't matter who was the strong character as long as the girl was a central figure. I'll have to check it out again. Thanks for the kind comments. Carol
Comment from Colette
Sad story with a happy ending. You did a great job with it. I will leave corrections (if there are any to the people who know it all) I just know
and enjoy a good story when I read it. All the best in the contest, Colette
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Sad story with a happy ending. You did a great job with it. I will leave corrections (if there are any to the people who know it all) I just know
and enjoy a good story when I read it. All the best in the contest, Colette
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Colette..Thank you for taking the time to read my story and for your kind comments. I truly enjoy it when some one else enjoys my writing. Thanks again Carol
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Very good story and well told so a good five star effort, well done. Just one misspelling I spotted [back up] in the context used here should be [backup]. Well done.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Very good story and well told so a good five star effort, well done. Just one misspelling I spotted [back up] in the context used here should be [backup]. Well done.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Patrick
Thanks for catching that error and I'll check on it promptly. I appreciate your reading and commenting. Thanks again Carol
Comment from Sue_Angel
Great story! I found myself reading faster and faster so I could find out what was going to happen. Good sign that you were able to successfully build suspense! I noticed one misplaced question mark you might want to delete after the sentence: "Jake, listen man, this is crazy?"
Take care,
Susan
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Great story! I found myself reading faster and faster so I could find out what was going to happen. Good sign that you were able to successfully build suspense! I noticed one misplaced question mark you might want to delete after the sentence: "Jake, listen man, this is crazy?"
Take care,
Susan
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Sue..
Thanks for catching that error for me. I will correct it asap. I'm glad you enjoyed it and I appreciate your kind comments. Thanks again Carol
Comment from adewpearl
Gossip reins. should be reigns
Trust me, man add the comma for direct address
I like the way your story progresses from humorous to mysterious and dangerous to happy resolution - the comments in the early section about how small and parochial this town is were really funny, and the ending is sentimental as this determined boy saves the runaway from whatever had befallen her in their little town, where apparently more was going on than even the snoopiest town gossip realized! Brooke
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Gossip reins. should be reigns
Trust me, man add the comma for direct address
I like the way your story progresses from humorous to mysterious and dangerous to happy resolution - the comments in the early section about how small and parochial this town is were really funny, and the ending is sentimental as this determined boy saves the runaway from whatever had befallen her in their little town, where apparently more was going on than even the snoopiest town gossip realized! Brooke
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Brooke...Thanks for catching those errors for me. I think my tired eyes are going blinder by the minute. Appreciate your help and I'll fix it asap. I'm glad you enjoyed the story and I appreciate your kind words. Carol