Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Innocent Looks"A book of a mixture of stories
73 total reviews
Comment from fionageorge
Carol, thisis a well written flash fiction. As always, your narrative is exquisite, clearly showing the settings, the surroundings. And all within 199 words.
Good luck in the contest, and warmest regards, Marijke
PS - Happy Mothers Day.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Carol, thisis a well written flash fiction. As always, your narrative is exquisite, clearly showing the settings, the surroundings. And all within 199 words.
Good luck in the contest, and warmest regards, Marijke
PS - Happy Mothers Day.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Marijke,
Thanks so much for the kind review. As always, I appreciate your support, Carol
Comment from Rama Rao
A well crafted short story.
You built up the suspense and put a fine twist to the tale,
However, "I'm fine." is your line, but when it is combined with the sentence, it read like her line. If you put this in the next line, it'd be better.
I wish you good luck.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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A well crafted short story.
You built up the suspense and put a fine twist to the tale,
However, "I'm fine." is your line, but when it is combined with the sentence, it read like her line. If you put this in the next line, it'd be better.
I wish you good luck.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Ramarao,
Thanks for the kind review. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Leigh Ann
You did an excellent job with the limitations of the contest rules. I like the build up to the ending that revealed you were the killer. I didn't expect that, which means you did a great job with the suspense. Leigh Ann
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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You did an excellent job with the limitations of the contest rules. I like the build up to the ending that revealed you were the killer. I didn't expect that, which means you did a great job with the suspense. Leigh Ann
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Leigh Ann,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from btruax
WOW! Great twist, I was totally surprised. Nice tense sentences added to the suspense. A very well written piece. Good luck with the contest.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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WOW! Great twist, I was totally surprised. Nice tense sentences added to the suspense. A very well written piece. Good luck with the contest.
Comment Written 09-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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btruax,
Glad you were surprised and enjoyed the story. Carol
Comment from RobinWrites
Short vivid sentences in which the story unfolded beautifully. Loved the twist at the end where she was the serial killer. I was not expecting that.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Short vivid sentences in which the story unfolded beautifully. Loved the twist at the end where she was the serial killer. I was not expecting that.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Robinwrites,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Sharesy
A trick ending ... nice. I thought Tommy might be the killer, but then it could be he might be the next victim, or maybe somebody on the bus. Nice job in creating a murder mystery in 200 words.
Regards,
Sharesy
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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A trick ending ... nice. I thought Tommy might be the killer, but then it could be he might be the next victim, or maybe somebody on the bus. Nice job in creating a murder mystery in 200 words.
Regards,
Sharesy
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Sharesy,
Glad I surprised you. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Trybuck
I don't think it's right when the villian and the author are one in the same, but I suppose that's better than the dead victim and the author being one in the same.... We would never know how the story ended.
Well done, Buck
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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I don't think it's right when the villian and the author are one in the same, but I suppose that's better than the dead victim and the author being one in the same.... We would never know how the story ended.
Well done, Buck
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Buck,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from phaedra
This is just plain good writing. I would expect to find it printed in a book in the "real world." The ending was spectacular.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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This is just plain good writing. I would expect to find it printed in a book in the "real world." The ending was spectacular.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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phaedra,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from redrider6612
This was a good story, with a great twist at the end. I do have suggestions for trimming. Flash fiction needs to be tight with no wasted words.
Suggestions:
Her furrowed brow told me she didn't agree.--this should be a new paragraph so it isn't confuse who said the dialog
My breathing was deafening compared to the silent street.--this could be tighter; try: My breathing thundered in the silence.
Adrenalin(e)
Sweat [beads] dotted my forehead.
The heavy sound of running told me he was close.--vague; make us hear it
I smiled, making a connection. Interest flickered in his eyes. He smiled.--with who? the iPod guy? if so, put him last in the list of occupants to make it less confusing
So far this one is the best I've read. Good luck in the voting booth.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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This was a good story, with a great twist at the end. I do have suggestions for trimming. Flash fiction needs to be tight with no wasted words.
Suggestions:
Her furrowed brow told me she didn't agree.--this should be a new paragraph so it isn't confuse who said the dialog
My breathing was deafening compared to the silent street.--this could be tighter; try: My breathing thundered in the silence.
Adrenalin(e)
Sweat [beads] dotted my forehead.
The heavy sound of running told me he was close.--vague; make us hear it
I smiled, making a connection. Interest flickered in his eyes. He smiled.--with who? the iPod guy? if so, put him last in the list of occupants to make it less confusing
So far this one is the best I've read. Good luck in the voting booth.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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redrider,
Appreciate the suggestions. Sorry I haven't been able to be on the site and respond properly to your comments. Thank you agian...Carol
Comment from Judith Ann
Very nice ending. I never suspected until I read the words. I would love to learn to write/think like this. The mystery is a powerful manner of writing. You do it very well. Good luck in the contest. -Judy
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Very nice ending. I never suspected until I read the words. I would love to learn to write/think like this. The mystery is a powerful manner of writing. You do it very well. Good luck in the contest. -Judy
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Judith Ann,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
