Poems By AnnieDawn
Viewing comments for Chapter 68 "Lovers Tryst"My book of poems and stories
55 total reviews
Comment from Nuad1
I'm sitting here on a dank, monsoon rain morning and this work put a smile on my face. Anticipation at first . . prelude, excitement and THEN a let down . . OY VEY! as my CA daughter would say!!!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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I'm sitting here on a dank, monsoon rain morning and this work put a smile on my face. Anticipation at first . . prelude, excitement and THEN a let down . . OY VEY! as my CA daughter would say!!!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for your review. I do appreciate all comments.
Comment from Sally Carter
Well, this took me totally by surprise! Such a gentle beginning, so romantic, the charmingly old-fashioned frock - and then that hardening cock leaping into the frame! The more I read it the funnier I find it.
Your meter is sound, and you paint a wonderful picture of the thwarted passion and the two strolling off. I could almost imagine them whistling innocently.
Probably one of the most original entries I have seen in the Story in a Poem contest.
Well done.
Sally
:~)
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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Well, this took me totally by surprise! Such a gentle beginning, so romantic, the charmingly old-fashioned frock - and then that hardening cock leaping into the frame! The more I read it the funnier I find it.
Your meter is sound, and you paint a wonderful picture of the thwarted passion and the two strolling off. I could almost imagine them whistling innocently.
Probably one of the most original entries I have seen in the Story in a Poem contest.
Well done.
Sally
:~)
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for your review. I do appreciate all comments.
Comment from JonnyRhymes
You combine eroticism, young love and humour really well here, and also tell a story which I'm sure many can relate to. I enjoyed all of these different strands to your poem; keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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You combine eroticism, young love and humour really well here, and also tell a story which I'm sure many can relate to. I enjoyed all of these different strands to your poem; keep up the good work!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for your review. I appreciate all comments.
Comment from Sagnik Das
LOL ... very sly & humorous! Written in an array of Longfellow-styled anapaestic cadences, (with vibrant emotional overtones), it indeed fares well in conjuring an array of hilarious mental images, pertaining to a 'licentious' tryst. I wager no man shall ever have the mettle to pursue clandestine amority, having perused such an 'enlightening' extravaganza! (LOL) Most impressively & eloquently fared.
My wholehearted wishes to you for the contest.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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LOL ... very sly & humorous! Written in an array of Longfellow-styled anapaestic cadences, (with vibrant emotional overtones), it indeed fares well in conjuring an array of hilarious mental images, pertaining to a 'licentious' tryst. I wager no man shall ever have the mettle to pursue clandestine amority, having perused such an 'enlightening' extravaganza! (LOL) Most impressively & eloquently fared.
My wholehearted wishes to you for the contest.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for your review. I appreciate all comments.
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My foremost pleasure.
Comment from Righteous Riter
Good use of rhyming couplets. Good perfect rhyming with trail/avail...frock/cock. I think the first to couplets could be tighter as far as the rhyming goes. I think the story is told well and is thought provoking. Nice photo, clear message. Keep on writing.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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Good use of rhyming couplets. Good perfect rhyming with trail/avail...frock/cock. I think the first to couplets could be tighter as far as the rhyming goes. I think the story is told well and is thought provoking. Nice photo, clear message. Keep on writing.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for your review. I appreciate all comments.
Comment from pickthorn
A sensual and explicit love poem of two would be lovers whose tryst is foiled by an unwelcome intruder. Great read. I really got a kick out of this one.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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A sensual and explicit love poem of two would be lovers whose tryst is foiled by an unwelcome intruder. Great read. I really got a kick out of this one.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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Thanks for your review. I appreciate it.
Comment from denhagan
This is a lovers' tryst poem written in rhyming couplets with good rhythm and rhyming throughout the poem. Has a nice picture to accompany the poem.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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This is a lovers' tryst poem written in rhyming couplets with good rhythm and rhyming throughout the poem. Has a nice picture to accompany the poem.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
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Thank you very much for the nice review. I do appreciate your time and effort.
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You're welcome,
Dennis
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Annie let me tell you one thing you did very well as a novice .
I liked the quick passion the the sudden interruption of hearing foot steps and how the lovers leisurely walked down the path ( trail)
Gert
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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Hello Annie let me tell you one thing you did very well as a novice .
I liked the quick passion the the sudden interruption of hearing foot steps and how the lovers leisurely walked down the path ( trail)
Gert
Comment Written 20-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for your review. I appreciate the time it takes you all to do this reviewing as I am now finding out. Good luck in your writing submissions.
Comment from boxergirl
A good story poem which definitely has us reading quickly down the lines to see where this is going. Then, disappointed, like the lovers, when their tryst is interrupted. Good job and good luck! :-)
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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A good story poem which definitely has us reading quickly down the lines to see where this is going. Then, disappointed, like the lovers, when their tryst is interrupted. Good job and good luck! :-)
Comment Written 20-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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Thank you so much for your review. I appreciate the time it takes you all to do this reviewing as I am now finding out. Good luck in your writing submissions.
Comment from Leineco
What a fun story you unfold :-) I enjoyed the taunt and sudden interrupt - the feel of it was nostalgic and real :-)
Nice work :-)
2 quick thoughts:
S5-L2 I think you need either a punctuation mark after footsteps -or- to change Through to uncapitalized through
S6-L1 This is the only place the meter goes slightly of kilter (I'm not sure if it is the -ing or the soon)
Perhaps you could consider
Their hands entwine and strolling down the trail -
-or-
Denied, their hands entwine upon the trail
-or- you could try adding a one syllable adjective (like shy or sad etc) before hands and dropping soon.
Just some options to consider :-)
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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What a fun story you unfold :-) I enjoyed the taunt and sudden interrupt - the feel of it was nostalgic and real :-)
Nice work :-)
2 quick thoughts:
S5-L2 I think you need either a punctuation mark after footsteps -or- to change Through to uncapitalized through
S6-L1 This is the only place the meter goes slightly of kilter (I'm not sure if it is the -ing or the soon)
Perhaps you could consider
Their hands entwine and strolling down the trail -
-or-
Denied, their hands entwine upon the trail
-or- you could try adding a one syllable adjective (like shy or sad etc) before hands and dropping soon.
Just some options to consider :-)
Comment Written 20-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
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Thanks for your review. I respect and appreciate any and all criticism. It helps me to be able to avoid future mistakes so once again thank you.