Comment from Spitfire

Excellent

Just leave the door open for now. --big mistake, Dad. You let something in. Right up to the end, this follows a logical path except for the noises from the attic. As for the girl, why pick up Dad instead of the boy. She must have been murdered or molested by her father. Although I think in this case, her face would show anger or sadness. The word malevolent implies she's a killer.
So why the detail of a bloody dress??? A bit confused on her choice of target.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015

Maybe dear old Dad just happened to get in the way, Shari. You know--wrong place, wrong time? perhaps little Jerry was her intended target all along? Only the ghastly, ghoulish gal knows for sure.
Thanks very much for telling me what you liked and disliked about the story. I appreciate it. :)
~Dean

Comment from Phyllis Stewart

Excellent

Predictable towards the end, but entertaining nonetheless. You knew Dad was in trouble when he made light of his son's concerns. Too bad the kid was such a wimp that he lost his voice. That's a kid who will need to wear a straight jacket for the rest of his life, after seeing his dad killed by an attic ghost. Personally, I love big old attics. They dont build them anymore. The attic would be the first place I'd get to know personally in a "new" old house, so I think the ghosts would like me and look forward to my visits. :)

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015

Me too, Phyllis. I like to see if the former residents left anything interesting behind. Hey, it happens sometimes.
Thanks very much for your review. I didn't want to paint Jerry into too much of a sissy. But, I guess it did kind of come across that way.
Thanks a bunch for the review.
~Dean

Comment from Dorothy Farrell

Excellent

OMG Dean, how do you keep thinking up these stories? I see from your author notes it was inspired by a true life story related to you from G>E> Parsons, that should be interesting. Good story, creepy red. LOL. (3rd para. after the picture, line 1 - it must have came in - came should be come, tiny typo) Warm regards Dorothy x

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015

Well, Dorothy, as I stated in my author's notes (and thanks for reading them, by the way!), Jerry told me a story about something that happened to him as a young boy, and I wrote this story based on his experiences. I did embellish a bit, but that's a writer's prerogative, isn't it, LOL?
Much obliged for the review. :}

Comment from JaseDR85

Excellent

This was an outstanding flash fiction piece. I only have one suggestion.

I've heard someone (or something) moving around on the other side of the door that leads to the attic from my bedroom. - This sounds stronger with something like this. The sound of someone, or something moving around on the other side of the attic door in my bedroom keeps me awake. -Same amount of words, more of a direct spook factor-

But that is all I got, the rest of this story was awesome, very nicely done.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015

Thanks for reading my tiny terror tale, Jase. I will certainly take your suggestions into consideration. The way this story begins is nearly identical to the way it was conveyed to me. I wrote it this way out of respect to the person who told me the story, in other words.
I'll see what I can come up with, and thanks again. ~Dean :}

Comment from barkingdog

Excellent

How old is this kid, Dean. Sometimes he sounds like an adult or at least a very literate teenager:
-My night lite takes over bathing everything in an eerie blue glow. The all-too familiar rustling noises followed by terrifying moans begin almost immediately.
Suggestion--use simpler words: My night lite makes every thing look blue like one of those glow stick you get at the carnival and then, right at the same time, those sounds start again. They're sort like someone dragging stuff around and long scary moans.

- it jolted me awake.( It woke me up.) A violent storm was brewing outside. (It was raining awful hard) Through the skylight in the roof I see flashes of lightning. [The elongated]( Long), finger-like(fingery) shadows [of trees] dance across my wall, creep across the floor, then perch(sit) like hungry vultures [above me.](up there high on the wall) The storm intensifies as the trees are rocked by torrential winds. (The storm gets real bad and blows the trees back and forth.)

Well, that's the general idea, Dean. It's a little boy talking.

Take care.

- I haven't had a chance to check it out.(")


Hello again.
That's so much better, Dean. You write a very convincing little boy.
It's much more believable and because of that I wasn't distracted with my picky questions.

I did find the past tense verb: Dad smiled(smiles), nodding toward the mirror.


:) e

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015

Thanks, Ellen. I thought about that, but I pretty much told the story as it was conveyed to me trying to stay true to the Jerry's actual words. I suppose he wouldn't mind a few changes.
I appreciate your comments. ~Dean

reply by barkingdog on 06-Jul-2015

Jerry told it to you as an adult. He spoke as an adult. You could have him remember as an adult narrator and thus use the adult vocabulary and phrasing.
When the boy speaks, He'd say I said--referring to the past. Change it all to past tense and have the adult remember. It won't take much to change it and you'll stay true to Jerry.
I noticed in one place you did use a past tense verb. You'll notice it if you do a quick rewrite.

:) ellen

reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015

I've already written it, Ellen, but not the way you recommended. I made the narrative more like children speak.

Flash fiction always works best when told in present tense.

Hey, if we can't suck it up and listen to those who care enough to read what we've written while offering well intentioned advice, then we may as well quit writing altogether.

Thanks again. I hope you feel it's better now, if you decide to glance over it once more.

~Dean

Comment from Sis Cat

Excellent

A very good story I chose to read in the light of dawn instead of in the darkness of night. You set up the haunted mirror more. Your craft and structure shows upon a second read. I am amazed by the creativity and the tightness of your Tiny Tales of Horror. Thank you for scaring.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015

Thank you for taking the time to read it, Sis Cat. I very much appreciate your interest in these short terror tales. I'm sure all of the fellow contributors feel the same way.
Much obliged for the review. ~Dean

Comment from Sasha

Excellent

Yup, this is both creepy and spooky. I am one of those people missing the love to be scared gene. I know many that have it and they thrive on doing scary things. I won't even get on a Ferris wheel...not even a small one. My daughter went bunji jumping and I'm the one that had a heart attack and I wasn't even there.

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015

Ha-ha...well, as a caring mother, I could see how that could happen, Smurph. Especially if you're terrified of heights. We want our children to stay safe, and let's face it, bunji jumping isn't the safest thing in the world we could do.
Much obliged for the review.
~Dean :)

Comment from krys123

Exceptional

Dean;
-what prompted me the most of my adulation for your writing is how you describe the trees, fingerlike shadows being cast up across the attic, walls And then there, especially the ending where her arms are being reaching out for his dad.
-The imagery is so well defined and extended and very much exquisitely expressed and definitively, vividly and demonstratively described throughout this writing.
-If you are not nearly the best at writing this type of prose than I don't know who is.
-Thank you for sharing and posting this Dean and may the good Lord be with you forever.
Alex

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015

Thanks for the sixer, Alex, as well as the wonderfully complimentary comments in your indepth review, my friend. I can't take all of the credit for this one. GE Parsons gave me the inspiration for the story. Without him conveying his childhood experience to me, this story would have probably never been written. Not unless he wrote it himself, of course.
Thanks again, Alex. I'm really glad you liked it.
~Dean :}

reply by krys123 on 07-Jul-2015

You are indeed and sincerely welcome , Dean.
Alex

Comment from justafan

Exceptional

Wow, this is one of the best. I felt sorry for the lil fella. The descriptive lines made me see the lightning and hear the moans. Brilliant as always my friend.

Always,
Missy

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015

Thanks so much for the enthusiastic review and exceptional six star rating, Mussy. I gotta admit, I felt sorry for the little fella myself, and I write the dang story. We know he's next!
Thanks again, my friend. I appreciate it.
~Dean :}

Comment from boxergirl

Excellent

Okay, Dean. I am glad I am reviewing this in the light of day cause it would have kept me up all night listening for attic noises. Well done!

 Comment Written 06-Jul-2015

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reply by the author on 06-Jul-2015

Ha-ha, thanks, Karen. if you feel the need to blame someone, blame GE Parsons. His experience was the inspiration for this story.
Much obliged for the review. :} ~Dean