Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 3 "Those Sad Brown Eyes"A book of a mixture of stories
60 total reviews
Comment from barbara.wilkey
This is a sad story with a wonderful ending. Too bad most real stories don't end this way. You did a great job with it.
immediately towards (toward)
such a frenzy that my (The that.)
stepped closer to me (You don't need to me, it's understood.)
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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This is a sad story with a wonderful ending. Too bad most real stories don't end this way. You did a great job with it.
immediately towards (toward)
such a frenzy that my (The that.)
stepped closer to me (You don't need to me, it's understood.)
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Barbara...
That's what I like about writing...it doesn't always have to be a tragedy. Thanks for catching my mistakes. I'll fix them asap. I'm glad you enjoyed the story. Thanks again - Carol
Comment from wierdgrace
This is a great contest entry, and I must say it was fun to read, I felt right in the story, and the character from the picture fit well into the story, thank you for sharing, no errors, an no mistakes,
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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This is a great contest entry, and I must say it was fun to read, I felt right in the story, and the character from the picture fit well into the story, thank you for sharing, no errors, an no mistakes,
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Wierdgrace...I'm pleased that you enjoyed my story. Thank you for the kind review. I greatly appreciate it. Thanks again Carol
Comment from dymonz
Great story! Flows well and keeps the reader's interest. I think you just need minor adjustments. I have listed a few which I caught below. Good luck with the contest!
"Gossip reins!" -- 'reins' should be spelled 'reigns' ('reins' refers to the kidneys)
"That was another perk with this job; I got to drive Mr. Taylor's van around town." -- consider revising; I would use an emdash in place of the semi-colon.
"All I could see was those dark brown eyes." -- consider revising...'were' instead of 'was'?
""Jake, listen man, this is crazy?"" -- incorrect punctuation; should be an exclamation point or period
"...choppy and mostly likely incoherent." -- 'mostly' should be 'most'
There were two spots when one of the characters weren't talking, but what was said was put in quotation marks. If I'm not mistaken, it may read better if those things were italicized rather than in quotes (but I am not 100% sure of the grammar rule for this so check before you change it). One spot was when he mentioned something his father said about having a car, and the second is at the end when he reflected on her mouthed "thank you."
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Great story! Flows well and keeps the reader's interest. I think you just need minor adjustments. I have listed a few which I caught below. Good luck with the contest!
"Gossip reins!" -- 'reins' should be spelled 'reigns' ('reins' refers to the kidneys)
"That was another perk with this job; I got to drive Mr. Taylor's van around town." -- consider revising; I would use an emdash in place of the semi-colon.
"All I could see was those dark brown eyes." -- consider revising...'were' instead of 'was'?
""Jake, listen man, this is crazy?"" -- incorrect punctuation; should be an exclamation point or period
"...choppy and mostly likely incoherent." -- 'mostly' should be 'most'
There were two spots when one of the characters weren't talking, but what was said was put in quotation marks. If I'm not mistaken, it may read better if those things were italicized rather than in quotes (but I am not 100% sure of the grammar rule for this so check before you change it). One spot was when he mentioned something his father said about having a car, and the second is at the end when he reflected on her mouthed "thank you."
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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dymonz...
Thank you for your corrections. I had already corrected most of them, but the italicized part I'll need to check on. I appreciate your reading and helping me out. Thanks again - Carol
Comment from darkgreennights
Good story! Lucky for you that had a happy ending too! The one thing I CANNOT face is stories where doggies die...ugh thats real horror. So I was a little nervous about the title I opened it checked out the ending for safety lol and then read it. Good stuff and good for you too.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Good story! Lucky for you that had a happy ending too! The one thing I CANNOT face is stories where doggies die...ugh thats real horror. So I was a little nervous about the title I opened it checked out the ending for safety lol and then read it. Good stuff and good for you too.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Darkgreennights...
You'll never get a story about a doggie dying from me. I own four and would be hysterical if anything happened to them.
Thanks for reading and enjoying the story. Carol
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Thank you for saying that on behalf of Bob and myself. Bob is my magically delicious Old English Sheepdog, he's filled with the milk of all human cuteness and then some!
Kathleen
Comment from Zaphod
Great job. One of the best that I have read so far. I like the perspective you take with this. You really get into Jake's head.
My only suggestion is that you have a massive amount of blank space under the story. I would get rid of it. Here at FS length has a tendency to scare off readers, so the story appears alot bigger than it really is.
Best of luck in the contest. I think this should do really well.
Z
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Great job. One of the best that I have read so far. I like the perspective you take with this. You really get into Jake's head.
My only suggestion is that you have a massive amount of blank space under the story. I would get rid of it. Here at FS length has a tendency to scare off readers, so the story appears alot bigger than it really is.
Best of luck in the contest. I think this should do really well.
Z
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Zaphod...
Thanks for telling me about the white space. I think I probably goofed when I transferred the copy. I'll correct it asap. Thanks again for the wonderful review. CArol
Comment from Shane Marquardt
You do a great job setting up the story. You create a great picture of the town. I felt like a visitor as I read.
And what a powerful and moving story. I'm just glad you provided us with a happy ending.
Best of luck in your contest. I'm sure you will do well.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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You do a great job setting up the story. You create a great picture of the town. I felt like a visitor as I read.
And what a powerful and moving story. I'm just glad you provided us with a happy ending.
Best of luck in your contest. I'm sure you will do well.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Shane...
Thank you for enjoying my story and for your kind review. Carol
Comment from Thesis
Fantastic story. It's one of the best I've read in a few weeks.
You captured the essence of the contest by making the girl unforgetable. "Those brown eyes," captured the description of the girl and the memory Jake had of her.
Well told. It was a good mystery. - Thesis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Fantastic story. It's one of the best I've read in a few weeks.
You captured the essence of the contest by making the girl unforgetable. "Those brown eyes," captured the description of the girl and the memory Jake had of her.
Well told. It was a good mystery. - Thesis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Thesis...
I'm glad to hear that you understood the importance of their eyes connecting and that the story was told thru her eyes. I appreciate your kind review. Carol
Comment from GCSTroop
This was a good story and the prose was well written. I suppose my chief complaint is that while I thought it was enjoyable, the theme of the contest and storyline was to build a strong character of the girl in the picture. While I realize the story was centered around the "mystery" of the girl with the brown eyes, it seemed like the narrator became the focal point of the story rather than the girl in the picture.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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This was a good story and the prose was well written. I suppose my chief complaint is that while I thought it was enjoyable, the theme of the contest and storyline was to build a strong character of the girl in the picture. While I realize the story was centered around the "mystery" of the girl with the brown eyes, it seemed like the narrator became the focal point of the story rather than the girl in the picture.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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GCSTroop...
If I'm not mistaken, the rules state that the girl is to be a central part of the story, but the vivid characterization can be of anyone else involved. Thanks for reading and making your suggestions. Carol
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Ahhh... After reading the contest description a second time it does seem as though you are correct. My initial interpretation was flawed and unfortunately I marked you down under that poor assumption. I really did think your story was quite good but I was trying to review it with the girl as the main character rather than as a central character to the story. I offer my apologies.
Best of luck to you in your writing future and your contest entry.
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No problem at all. I just wanted to make sure I hadn't misread...I'm getting older by the minute and sometimes the grey matter gets thick..if you know what I mean. Take care. Carol
Comment from Healing
WOW. What an entertaining and very powerful read this was for me. You are a gifted writer no doubt. This had me from the moment on the porch to the back of the police car. fantastic.
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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WOW. What an entertaining and very powerful read this was for me. You are a gifted writer no doubt. This had me from the moment on the porch to the back of the police car. fantastic.
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Healing...
Thank you for your awesome review. I am glad that you enjoyed it and it may have put a smile on your face. Your enjoyment was reward enough and the stars ...well, a simple thank you is not enough. Your friend, Carol
Comment from Shirley B
I loved your story. It was so full of emotion. It teaches us to trust ourselves because we might be helping someone that needs us. This is a very strong stort. Ithink you will do well in the contest. Happy writing. Great job. Shirley
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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I loved your story. It was so full of emotion. It teaches us to trust ourselves because we might be helping someone that needs us. This is a very strong stort. Ithink you will do well in the contest. Happy writing. Great job. Shirley
Comment Written 14-Jul-2009
reply by the author on 14-Jul-2009
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Shirley...
First I appreciate your kind words and the fact that you enjoyed it. Second, I'm humbled by the stars. Thank yoou so much. Carol