Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 22 "Innocently Indecent"A book of a mixture of stories
62 total reviews
Comment from Realist101
I LOVE THIS! What a perfect little story. Carol, this is great, how original. It could also be continued into a Valentine story entry??? VERY good idea here!!! :) Hugs, Susan
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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I LOVE THIS! What a perfect little story. Carol, this is great, how original. It could also be continued into a Valentine story entry??? VERY good idea here!!! :) Hugs, Susan
Comment Written 09-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Susan
Yeah..I think it has potential to go several directions and have fireworks flying as well...Thanks for the great review...Carol
Comment from adewpearl
What a great interpretation of the contest theme of innocently indecent - the poor girl is just exhausted and not expecting "company" when she falls asleep absolutely naked. LOL The ending still has me chuckling - this is a fun story, Carol. Maybe the overworked girl will get a date with this guy and be able to someday stop working so damned much! :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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What a great interpretation of the contest theme of innocently indecent - the poor girl is just exhausted and not expecting "company" when she falls asleep absolutely naked. LOL The ending still has me chuckling - this is a fun story, Carol. Maybe the overworked girl will get a date with this guy and be able to someday stop working so damned much! :-) Brooke
Comment Written 08-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Brooke
Wouldn't that be fun...a continuation of fireworks between the two. I could see all the potential buyers lining up outside if word got around....Thanks so much for the kind review. Carol
Comment from Teri7
This is a very well written story and you have gotten right up close to the word count. It is so worthy of six stars my friend. Good luck. Hugs, teri
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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This is a very well written story and you have gotten right up close to the word count. It is so worthy of six stars my friend. Good luck. Hugs, teri
Comment Written 08-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Teri
Thank you so much for the awesome review and the dusting of stars. I just got a note from the contest organizer and I guess I read it wrong...it's suppose to be over not under 500 words...so I adjusted a line or two and it should be okay.
Can you imagine how many potential MALE buyers would be lining up outside her house if the word got around? HAHA
Smiles, Carol
Comment from nora arjuna
Hi carol, that was a cute read and innocently indecent indeed. I enjoyed it a lot.
Check these:
Parking, she struggled out of the car. - don't quite fancy the starting part, but I'm stealing time at work now and can't think much. Maybe - She parked and struggled.... - more active
Naked, she stepped into her shower. - we already knew she's naked.
Steam from the hot shower hung in the air. - the word 'shower' comes too close. Maybe adjust, something like:
She stepped under the hot shower. Its steam still hung in the air when she finished.
Insert more line spacing before this change of POV:
Traci, a real estate broker, unlocked the front door....
Good luck!
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Hi carol, that was a cute read and innocently indecent indeed. I enjoyed it a lot.
Check these:
Parking, she struggled out of the car. - don't quite fancy the starting part, but I'm stealing time at work now and can't think much. Maybe - She parked and struggled.... - more active
Naked, she stepped into her shower. - we already knew she's naked.
Steam from the hot shower hung in the air. - the word 'shower' comes too close. Maybe adjust, something like:
She stepped under the hot shower. Its steam still hung in the air when she finished.
Insert more line spacing before this change of POV:
Traci, a real estate broker, unlocked the front door....
Good luck!
Comment Written 08-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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arjuna,
I've adjusted the story and appreciated your suggestions. The contest organizer messaged me and said the story was to be over 500 not under so I quickly made a few changes. Could have expanded the story more, but I've had so many reviews I decided just to tweak it...Thanks again....CArol
Comment from Shirley B
Very nice job. Somehow when I was newly divorced and working double shifts no good looking men ever walked in on me sleeping. Everything was so believable. I felt like I was the nurse. Good luck in the contest, Shirley
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Very nice job. Somehow when I was newly divorced and working double shifts no good looking men ever walked in on me sleeping. Everything was so believable. I felt like I was the nurse. Good luck in the contest, Shirley
Comment Written 08-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Shirley,
Can't you imagine if word got around how many potential Male buyers she'd have begging for a showing of the house? Smiles, Carol
Comment from c_lucas
We lose more real estate agents because of mistakes like this. (LOL) This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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We lose more real estate agents because of mistakes like this. (LOL) This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Charlie,
I bet she'd have a string of potential MALE buyers begging for a showing if word got around though? Smiles, Carol
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Probably would.
Comment from lola29
Carol, I really like this one--sooo cute. Would it be wonderful if she and the stranger could meet in a more appropriate atmosphere, and maybe she could keep her house.
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Carol, I really like this one--sooo cute. Would it be wonderful if she and the stranger could meet in a more appropriate atmosphere, and maybe she could keep her house.
Comment Written 08-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Lola,
Yes, I do believe sparks could fly between these two...imagine closing costs and requirements made by both...Smiles, Carol
Comment from BethShelby
I've read this before but it is another good one to rerelease.
This is so cute. I can imagine how embarrassing that would be. At least, she looked good exposed. If anyone saw me in that state, they would run from the house screaming. LOL
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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I've read this before but it is another good one to rerelease.
This is so cute. I can imagine how embarrassing that would be. At least, she looked good exposed. If anyone saw me in that state, they would run from the house screaming. LOL
Comment Written 08-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Beth
Me too! Those days are ancient and almost lost in memory...Thanks for the kind review. Glad you enjoyed it! Smiles, Carol
Comment from rhymer1
(Somethings) [Some things] are for sale...... - and an ellipsis at the end of a statement is four dots.
Wearily, she (headed) [walked toward] for her car - cannot help it I disdain the word headed. It is too unprofessional for narrative.
In addition to what I noted above, you begin a few too many entences with gerunds, but the quality of you writing is still excellent.
Slainte, rhymer1
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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(Somethings) [Some things] are for sale...... - and an ellipsis at the end of a statement is four dots.
Wearily, she (headed) [walked toward] for her car - cannot help it I disdain the word headed. It is too unprofessional for narrative.
In addition to what I noted above, you begin a few too many entences with gerunds, but the quality of you writing is still excellent.
Slainte, rhymer1
Comment Written 08-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Rhymer
Once I learned that I read the contest rules in error..it's over 500 and not under...I edited and changed a few lines. Thanks for the suggestions...Smiles, Carol
Comment from Mary's angel
Very enjoyable! The story is so true of so much today and to end it with such a great sense of humor! The world should be so innocent! The words chosen show the picture of the story as if watching a movie! Even the buyer's smile and twinkle in his eyes can be seen. Very good!
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Very enjoyable! The story is so true of so much today and to end it with such a great sense of humor! The world should be so innocent! The words chosen show the picture of the story as if watching a movie! Even the buyer's smile and twinkle in his eyes can be seen. Very good!
Comment Written 08-Feb-2010
reply by the author on 09-Feb-2010
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Mary's angel
I am so pleased that you enjoyed the story and could connect to my characters. Thank you...CArol
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You are very welcome Carol. My pleasure.