Short Stories
Viewing comments for Chapter 14 "Innocent Looks"A book of a mixture of stories
73 total reviews
Comment from Shirley McLain
What a good story and you sure surprised me with your ending. It just goes to show you, you tell what a person might do. I did not find any spag. Good job
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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What a good story and you sure surprised me with your ending. It just goes to show you, you tell what a person might do. I did not find any spag. Good job
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Texasgal,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from JudithMarie
Wow...I loved the twist at the end...taking the other point of view! Your words and conversation flow easily. Suspense builds as I read. Very well written. Good entry. Wish you the best in the contest. JudithMarie
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Wow...I loved the twist at the end...taking the other point of view! Your words and conversation flow easily. Suspense builds as I read. Very well written. Good entry. Wish you the best in the contest. JudithMarie
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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JudithMarie,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Orchidea Blu
LOL now that's cool! I love it when you don't know what going to happen or who is he real culprit. Wonderful! I did not suspect the ending at all and I was so shocked that I just laughed when I read it. Very Well Done!
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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LOL now that's cool! I love it when you don't know what going to happen or who is he real culprit. Wonderful! I did not suspect the ending at all and I was so shocked that I just laughed when I read it. Very Well Done!
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Orchidea Blu,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from barbara.wilkey
Once again your ending had a twist I was not expecting. Goor job.
Her furrowed brow told me she didn't agree. (Great job keeping it the correct POV.)
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Once again your ending had a twist I was not expecting. Goor job.
Her furrowed brow told me she didn't agree. (Great job keeping it the correct POV.)
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Barbara,
Thanks as alwyas for keeping me on my toes. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from enjoi
"Please let Tommy accompany you" Don't forget the comma after "Please" and perhaps another word instead of "accompany" would be best. That line of dialogue comes off as stilted, unrealistic.
Establish who the runner was, that feels off.
"A twenty-something man was busy on his ipod. A teenage girl chattered on her cell phone." I would switch these sentences, putting the man after the girl, considering the next paragraph where you establish him as the person connected with the protagonist. Also, make sure to get "iPod" right.
Overall, it's an interesting story, and even though you don't get into the why's, I think you did well with it. Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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"Please let Tommy accompany you" Don't forget the comma after "Please" and perhaps another word instead of "accompany" would be best. That line of dialogue comes off as stilted, unrealistic.
Establish who the runner was, that feels off.
"A twenty-something man was busy on his ipod. A teenage girl chattered on her cell phone." I would switch these sentences, putting the man after the girl, considering the next paragraph where you establish him as the person connected with the protagonist. Also, make sure to get "iPod" right.
Overall, it's an interesting story, and even though you don't get into the why's, I think you did well with it. Good luck in the contest.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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enjoi,
thank you for reading and reviewing. Carol
Comment from spellbound
(The moon filtered through the trees. Dark buildings loomed along the walkway. My breathing was deafening compared to the silent street.) and My heart thumped. Adrenalin coursed through my veins. Pulling a knife from my pocket, I continued walking.) These did a great job of building tension.
Love the twist at the end.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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(The moon filtered through the trees. Dark buildings loomed along the walkway. My breathing was deafening compared to the silent street.) and My heart thumped. Adrenalin coursed through my veins. Pulling a knife from my pocket, I continued walking.) These did a great job of building tension.
Love the twist at the end.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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spellbound,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. I like the twist at the end of the story. Female serial killers are few and far between. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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This is very well written with very good imagery and descriptive scheme. I like the twist at the end of the story. Female serial killers are few and far between. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Chalrie,
Glad you enjoyed the little thriller. Never can trust a woman...she's good at hiding her true self if she wants to.
smiles, Carol
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You're welcome, Sue. Charlie
Comment from Thesis
That was quite chilling. A great read, Carol. I liked the twist where the girl was the killer. Hmmm, I guess it could be a bad thing to make eye contact, lol - John
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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That was quite chilling. A great read, Carol. I liked the twist where the girl was the killer. Hmmm, I guess it could be a bad thing to make eye contact, lol - John
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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John,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from fictionwriter
Oh no, the killer is the girl, what a great twist on the story. No one would suspect a girl, not from a small town where everyone knows everyong. Great job.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Oh no, the killer is the girl, what a great twist on the story. No one would suspect a girl, not from a small town where everyone knows everyong. Great job.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Joy,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
Comment from Belinda
So 'you' are...? Tommy doesn't board the bus with you? And the young man with the ipod is your next victim? This is a bit confusing here. Maybe you should clarify it by describing the teenage girl first, then the young man. Just a suggestion. In this case 'he' will become clear. All in all, interesting, exciting, and surprising.
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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So 'you' are...? Tommy doesn't board the bus with you? And the young man with the ipod is your next victim? This is a bit confusing here. Maybe you should clarify it by describing the teenage girl first, then the young man. Just a suggestion. In this case 'he' will become clear. All in all, interesting, exciting, and surprising.
Comment Written 08-May-2010
reply by the author on 11-May-2010
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Belinda,
Thank you so much for the kind comments and for taking the time to read my story. I appreciate it very much. Smiles, Carol
