Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 33 "The Friend"A book of Poetry & Writing
97 total reviews
Comment from harmony13
Excellent poem! The poem flowed and connected well. The author's words are clear, creative and descriptive. The reader found the poem heart felt. The artwork is perfect and compliments the poem.
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Excellent poem! The poem flowed and connected well. The author's words are clear, creative and descriptive. The reader found the poem heart felt. The artwork is perfect and compliments the poem.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
Comment from Eric1
I like the way you have described the fact that you can be anyone in the world but without friendship you are nothing, a lovely well flowing work,
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I like the way you have described the fact that you can be anyone in the world but without friendship you are nothing, a lovely well flowing work,
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
Comment from emrpoems
Good Friend(S) are hard to find -- title
And when you sleep matters not WHETHER YOU'RE free
You need to do some editing and make it a smoother read. I edited on the content of the poem about the valued of g ood friends
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Good Friend(S) are hard to find -- title
And when you sleep matters not WHETHER YOU'RE free
You need to do some editing and make it a smoother read. I edited on the content of the poem about the valued of g ood friends
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
Comment from Sefiros
I would make the lines shorter. The fourth line in particular needs to be separated after "weather your free". The same goes for the next line, and the last. Good work overall.
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I would make the lines shorter. The fourth line in particular needs to be separated after "weather your free". The same goes for the next line, and the last. Good work overall.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
Comment from kiwisteveh
I appreciate the intention of what you have set out to do, but there is a lot of fixing to do here. Let's see if I can get you started on some editing...
Quite a few simple fixes - what they call SPAG here (spelling and grammar):
Random capitals in the middle of lines - get rid of them In Or One Sailor
It --> Its (line 2)
weather your --> whether you're
awaits for you --> awaits you or waits for you
sleep --> asleep or sleeping
Structure of the poem: your title and the last section suggests this is about friendship so why does all of the first part seem to be about taking pride in what you do? Get to your main message sooner - perhaps drop all of this altogether unless you can reword it to relate to friendship.
One duty there remains for him: One duty stands for me.
This line seems out of place - we don't know who the 'him' is and we don't yet know what the duty is - I'm guessing you mean friendship, but you haven't yet got onto that.
One final point - your picture suggests this is about a dog's loyalty and friendship, but nowhere does this become clear in your poem.
It seems like a lot, but you have a worthwhile theme and obviously some strong feelings about it, so it's worth taking some trouble with.
Steve
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I appreciate the intention of what you have set out to do, but there is a lot of fixing to do here. Let's see if I can get you started on some editing...
Quite a few simple fixes - what they call SPAG here (spelling and grammar):
Random capitals in the middle of lines - get rid of them In Or One Sailor
It --> Its (line 2)
weather your --> whether you're
awaits for you --> awaits you or waits for you
sleep --> asleep or sleeping
Structure of the poem: your title and the last section suggests this is about friendship so why does all of the first part seem to be about taking pride in what you do? Get to your main message sooner - perhaps drop all of this altogether unless you can reword it to relate to friendship.
One duty there remains for him: One duty stands for me.
This line seems out of place - we don't know who the 'him' is and we don't yet know what the duty is - I'm guessing you mean friendship, but you haven't yet got onto that.
One final point - your picture suggests this is about a dog's loyalty and friendship, but nowhere does this become clear in your poem.
It seems like a lot, but you have a worthwhile theme and obviously some strong feelings about it, so it's worth taking some trouble with.
Steve
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
Comment from ravenblack
Your words are noble , a true spirit of friendship that most dogs manifest, but you really need to go back and polish. You have many awkward lines- when sleep at night untroubled may he rest - do you mean asleep? Or sleeping? This is only one example and there are more throughout.
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Your words are noble , a true spirit of friendship that most dogs manifest, but you really need to go back and polish. You have many awkward lines- when sleep at night untroubled may he rest - do you mean asleep? Or sleeping? This is only one example and there are more throughout.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
Comment from TAB_that's me
It has a lot of spelling and grammars errors but I like the idea of what you are saying therefore the 5 stars:)
~~Teresa~~
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It has a lot of spelling and grammars errors but I like the idea of what you are saying therefore the 5 stars:)
~~Teresa~~
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
Comment from rjuselius
this seems to be a brilliant social commentary! indeed, fiends who are soulmates are so difficult to fine!
thank you so much for sharing!
rebekka x
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this seems to be a brilliant social commentary! indeed, fiends who are soulmates are so difficult to fine!
thank you so much for sharing!
rebekka x
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
Comment from Dean Kuch
And when you sleep matters notweather whether your you're free... Not trying to change the context here, deepwater, just help out with the spelling a little.
You're right, have confidence in yourself and do what you know needs doing, regardless of popular opinion.
As an Marine Corps vet, I appreciated the soldier reference. Wise beyond their years, for the most part. Those who've been in combat either get wise, or get dead.
Decent work. A bit jumpy in places, but it has sort of an abstract, modern contemporary feel to it.
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And when you sleep matters not
You're right, have confidence in yourself and do what you know needs doing, regardless of popular opinion.
As an Marine Corps vet, I appreciated the soldier reference. Wise beyond their years, for the most part. Those who've been in combat either get wise, or get dead.
Decent work. A bit jumpy in places, but it has sort of an abstract, modern contemporary feel to it.
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
Comment from Winslow
Dear Deepwater,
A good tribute to man's best friend. As you say it matters not what your status or job is, a dog is ready to stand by you.
Warm regards,
Winslow
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Dear Deepwater,
A good tribute to man's best friend. As you say it matters not what your status or job is, a dog is ready to stand by you.
Warm regards,
Winslow
Comment Written 16-Jun-2014
