Writings From the Heart
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Aspirations"A book of Poetry & Writing
94 total reviews
Comment from dahlin1
After reading your profile I would have been expecting cowboy poetry which I love to hear. This poem is very deep
and thought provoking. It reads well I'm just not sure what you are saying. Here goes, are you saying do you have the courage to stand your ground and face the world or
give in and let it drag you along?
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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After reading your profile I would have been expecting cowboy poetry which I love to hear. This poem is very deep
and thought provoking. It reads well I'm just not sure what you are saying. Here goes, are you saying do you have the courage to stand your ground and face the world or
give in and let it drag you along?
Comment Written 13-May-2010
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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thanks for reading dahlin, it is for you to think about how it responds to your life
Comment from mchapman
Reading this and looking at the photo is very impacting. The spirit of a man believing in his principles and caring about what life as to offer. He looks for peace and never finds it. Its wonderful and deserving of a good write....Mary
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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Reading this and looking at the photo is very impacting. The spirit of a man believing in his principles and caring about what life as to offer. He looks for peace and never finds it. Its wonderful and deserving of a good write....Mary
Comment Written 13-May-2010
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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thank you Mary
Comment from Charlene0513
To deepwater,
A free verse poem which dwells upon he quality of life one has and how one chooses to live to meet their expectations or hopes for the future.
Very free flowing with a lot of emphasis put upon the individual's needs opposed to be caught in an upheavel.
Good contradiction made on either side.
Charlene
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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To deepwater,
A free verse poem which dwells upon he quality of life one has and how one chooses to live to meet their expectations or hopes for the future.
Very free flowing with a lot of emphasis put upon the individual's needs opposed to be caught in an upheavel.
Good contradiction made on either side.
Charlene
Comment Written 13-May-2010
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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thank you Charlean
Comment from Margaret Snowdon
This is a deep meaningful piece
of verse, Gary - very thought-provoking.
Will this soul of a man - might I suggest..
Will the soul of a man
I see you've used a question mark in one place, but not in others when questions - perhaps you'd consider carrying it throughout the piece or leave all out.
Margaret.
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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This is a deep meaningful piece
of verse, Gary - very thought-provoking.
Will this soul of a man - might I suggest..
Will the soul of a man
I see you've used a question mark in one place, but not in others when questions - perhaps you'd consider carrying it throughout the piece or leave all out.
Margaret.
Comment Written 13-May-2010
reply by the author on 13-May-2010
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thanks for the comment Margaret i will relook at this
Comment from fictionwriter
Oh, to live with that partner that never makes things easy. I know that story well, and are you blessed for trying, or cursed for hanging in there. Well done.
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
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Oh, to live with that partner that never makes things easy. I know that story well, and are you blessed for trying, or cursed for hanging in there. Well done.
Comment Written 30-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
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thanks for reading
Comment from Nicki_Mist
Awww...but i feel that you will always find peace as you seek God to help you in your days adventures. I like your writings very much about the farmers of the world. Great poem
Nicole
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
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Awww...but i feel that you will always find peace as you seek God to help you in your days adventures. I like your writings very much about the farmers of the world. Great poem
Nicole
Comment Written 30-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 30-Apr-2010
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Thank you
Comment from Oatmeal
deepwater,
The theme is good. The flow is nice. Perfectly arranged. Very good formatting.
The only problem that I saw was that the second sentence was a very long run-on sentence. It really needs to be cut up some.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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deepwater,
The theme is good. The flow is nice. Perfectly arranged. Very good formatting.
The only problem that I saw was that the second sentence was a very long run-on sentence. It really needs to be cut up some.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your comments
Comment from Demonbunny
Wow, deep, one to make you think, written in an unconventional way for a poetic piece but does not detract anything for that, simple and elegant. Well done.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Wow, deep, one to make you think, written in an unconventional way for a poetic piece but does not detract anything for that, simple and elegant. Well done.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you for reading
Comment from Sharesy
This is a well thought out and intelligent treatment of writing poetry, but it suffers from several punctuation flaws. I will be very happy to come back and re-rate when you've had a chance to edit.
If true(,) what outcome can benefit from this finding[,] [w]ould he stand as stone on principles(,) or bend to the ever moving passage of age(,) with conviction to the aspirations of what can be achieved[, only to] show true emotions with understanding to what is at hand, or live under the premise of whatever happens(,) he will continue his journey with the conflict of never finding peace[,]
This is a very long run on sentence. Breaking it up into two or three sentences would make it easier to read, and understand :
If true, what outcome can benifit from this finding? Would he stand as stone on principles, or bend to the ever moving passage of age, with conviction to the aspirations of what can be achieved. Would he show true emotions with understanding to what is at hand, or live under the premise of whatever happens, he will continue his journey with the conflict of never finding peace.
Regards,
Sharesy
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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This is a well thought out and intelligent treatment of writing poetry, but it suffers from several punctuation flaws. I will be very happy to come back and re-rate when you've had a chance to edit.
If true(,) what outcome can benefit from this finding[,] [w]ould he stand as stone on principles(,) or bend to the ever moving passage of age(,) with conviction to the aspirations of what can be achieved[, only to] show true emotions with understanding to what is at hand, or live under the premise of whatever happens(,) he will continue his journey with the conflict of never finding peace[,]
This is a very long run on sentence. Breaking it up into two or three sentences would make it easier to read, and understand :
If true, what outcome can benifit from this finding? Would he stand as stone on principles, or bend to the ever moving passage of age, with conviction to the aspirations of what can be achieved. Would he show true emotions with understanding to what is at hand, or live under the premise of whatever happens, he will continue his journey with the conflict of never finding peace.
Regards,
Sharesy
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you for your comments
Comment from rama devi
Second review (Still two stars)
First I will mention all the small nits and spags---after that i'll make suggestions regarding spacing adn formatting, which is important for this to feel more like a poem.
Nits and spags--
(parenthesis either indicate something to be changed from what comes before it or suggestions and notes of what is wrong)
One of the main problems other than spacing is phrasing---such a long run on sentence in block form is very difficult for a reader to decipher, especially when riddled with spag issues.
NOTES---
Aspirations (no nee to list title second time)
Voices shall call us from the dark,(.) w(W)ill this(the) soul of a man be judged by the heart of his partner? If true(,) what outcome can benefit from this finding,(?) w(W)ould he stand as stone on principles(,) o(O)r bend to the ever moving passage of age with conviction to the aspirations of what can be achieved, only to show true emotions with understanding to what is at hand,(?) o(O)r live(living) under the premise of whatever happens he will(will he) continue his journey with the conflict of never finding peace, (?)
if you apply all suggestions above, it would read like this;
Voices shall call us from the dark. Will the soul of a man be judged by the heart of his partner? If true, what outcome can benefit from this finding? Would he stand as stone on principles? Or bend to the ever moving passage of age with conviction to the aspirations of what can be achieved, only to show true emotions with understanding to what is at hand? Or, living under the premise of whatever happens, will he continue his journey with the conflict of never finding peace?
Okay, now it reads sensibly as a prose musing. To make it more poetic, add line breaks and use spacing for dramatic pause. According to my taste, i'd add line breaks here (this is just an EXAMPLE--YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN SPACING).
Voices shall call us from the dark.
Will the soul of a man be judged by the heart of his partner?
If true, what outcome can benefit from this finding?
Would he stand as stone on principles?
Or bend to the ever moving passage of age
with conviction to the aspirations of what can be achieved,
only to show true emotions
with understanding to what is at hand?
Or, living under the premise of whatever happens,
will he continue his journey
with the conflict of never finding peace?
First review (TWO stars)
First of all, warm welcome to FS---as your name is new to me.
I like what you are trying to say here, though the formatting needs work and it is more like prose than poetry, especially in the way you have presented it. Also, there are quite a number of spag issues that need attending. SPAG means there are issues in:
Spelling
Punctuation
And
Grammar
I am happy to give you in depth feedback with specific suggestions, but do not want to take the time to do so unless you are receptive to it. If you wish for more detailed feedback, just send a reply and I'll make a second, detailed review.
please do not be discouraged by the low rating, it is because my honest feedback is that this needs "a lot of work" (the verbal description of a two star review)....
I also want you know know I think it has high potential and would be worth the effort.
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
|
Second review (Still two stars)
First I will mention all the small nits and spags---after that i'll make suggestions regarding spacing adn formatting, which is important for this to feel more like a poem.
Nits and spags--
(parenthesis either indicate something to be changed from what comes before it or suggestions and notes of what is wrong)
One of the main problems other than spacing is phrasing---such a long run on sentence in block form is very difficult for a reader to decipher, especially when riddled with spag issues.
NOTES---
Aspirations (no nee to list title second time)
Voices shall call us from the dark,(.) w(W)ill this(the) soul of a man be judged by the heart of his partner? If true(,) what outcome can benefit from this finding,(?) w(W)ould he stand as stone on principles(,) o(O)r bend to the ever moving passage of age with conviction to the aspirations of what can be achieved, only to show true emotions with understanding to what is at hand,(?) o(O)r live(living) under the premise of whatever happens he will(will he) continue his journey with the conflict of never finding peace, (?)
if you apply all suggestions above, it would read like this;
Voices shall call us from the dark. Will the soul of a man be judged by the heart of his partner? If true, what outcome can benefit from this finding? Would he stand as stone on principles? Or bend to the ever moving passage of age with conviction to the aspirations of what can be achieved, only to show true emotions with understanding to what is at hand? Or, living under the premise of whatever happens, will he continue his journey with the conflict of never finding peace?
Okay, now it reads sensibly as a prose musing. To make it more poetic, add line breaks and use spacing for dramatic pause. According to my taste, i'd add line breaks here (this is just an EXAMPLE--YOU CHOOSE YOUR OWN SPACING).
Voices shall call us from the dark.
Will the soul of a man be judged by the heart of his partner?
If true, what outcome can benefit from this finding?
Would he stand as stone on principles?
Or bend to the ever moving passage of age
with conviction to the aspirations of what can be achieved,
only to show true emotions
with understanding to what is at hand?
Or, living under the premise of whatever happens,
will he continue his journey
with the conflict of never finding peace?
First review (TWO stars)
First of all, warm welcome to FS---as your name is new to me.
I like what you are trying to say here, though the formatting needs work and it is more like prose than poetry, especially in the way you have presented it. Also, there are quite a number of spag issues that need attending. SPAG means there are issues in:
Spelling
Punctuation
And
Grammar
I am happy to give you in depth feedback with specific suggestions, but do not want to take the time to do so unless you are receptive to it. If you wish for more detailed feedback, just send a reply and I'll make a second, detailed review.
please do not be discouraged by the low rating, it is because my honest feedback is that this needs "a lot of work" (the verbal description of a two star review)....
I also want you know know I think it has high potential and would be worth the effort.
Warmly, rd
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 28-Apr-2010
reply by the author on 28-Apr-2010
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Thank you Rama for your comments and yes you are welcome to review for me
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Oh good! I am on the way---may take about half an hour. Warmly, rd
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Done!!~
