To a son of God
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Babylon The Whore!"Metre ... Freeverse & Quatrain
84 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is excellent imagery and descriptive scheme. You draw the reader into your poetry.
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2012
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This is very well written with a smooth flow of words, making for a very good read. There is excellent imagery and descriptive scheme. You draw the reader into your poetry.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2012
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Many thanks.
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You're wellcome Bip. Charlie
Comment from Penworthy
The pic is awesome. The poem, not. Your tense changes and your person changes so many times that the poem comes off as broken, disjointed, disheveled. Clean up the inconsistencies to help with clarity and voice.
Pride stirs her alive; she cries to masses;
she alone knew: pride filleth thy heart whore.
Hear my cry; ritual passing through her hands;
consuming minds: Bal toucheth thy soul whore.
(COMMENTARY ON YOUR FIRST STANZA: First and second don't agree in tense. In the last line the poet addresses the 'WHORE." Yet you speak of "her" in the third person. Your inconsistency should be fixed.
~.~
"Such, is Babylon: Babylon the whore...!"
~.~
Pride stirs her alive; she cries blasphemy;
her reigns are loose: Hell is enlarged for you.
Hear my cry; opium's den scented balm;
toxic death's child: Baal toucheth thy soul whore.
SECOND STANZA: Again you go back and forth from "stirs HER" to "enlarged for YOU"
~.~
"Woe, to Babylon: Babylon the whore...!"
~.~
Pride stirs her alive; she cries redemption;
she's always easy: foul spirits your cage.
Hear my cry; Sinai damned or Sion saved;
dark abyss: Ballim toucheth thy soul whore.
DITTO
~.~
"Such, is Babylon: Babylon the whore...!"
~.~
"Woe, to Babylon: Babylon the whore...!"
BETTER ENDING
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
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The pic is awesome. The poem, not. Your tense changes and your person changes so many times that the poem comes off as broken, disjointed, disheveled. Clean up the inconsistencies to help with clarity and voice.
Pride stirs her alive; she cries to masses;
she alone knew: pride filleth thy heart whore.
Hear my cry; ritual passing through her hands;
consuming minds: Bal toucheth thy soul whore.
(COMMENTARY ON YOUR FIRST STANZA: First and second don't agree in tense. In the last line the poet addresses the 'WHORE." Yet you speak of "her" in the third person. Your inconsistency should be fixed.
~.~
"Such, is Babylon: Babylon the whore...!"
~.~
Pride stirs her alive; she cries blasphemy;
her reigns are loose: Hell is enlarged for you.
Hear my cry; opium's den scented balm;
toxic death's child: Baal toucheth thy soul whore.
SECOND STANZA: Again you go back and forth from "stirs HER" to "enlarged for YOU"
~.~
"Woe, to Babylon: Babylon the whore...!"
~.~
Pride stirs her alive; she cries redemption;
she's always easy: foul spirits your cage.
Hear my cry; Sinai damned or Sion saved;
dark abyss: Ballim toucheth thy soul whore.
DITTO
~.~
"Such, is Babylon: Babylon the whore...!"
~.~
"Woe, to Babylon: Babylon the whore...!"
BETTER ENDING
Comment Written 20-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
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Many thanks...
Comment from Frank Atwood
We must all partake of Babylon's world we live in, whether we like it or not. Instead of cursing her, one should sorrow over all who work so hard to become one with her, which is why these words have so much truth within them, but few understand:
1 John, 2; 15. Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
Not all within it are bonded to it. Just those who are of the Father, who's church is within the hearts and mind of his people, this world knows not at all. God bless and quite different.
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
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We must all partake of Babylon's world we live in, whether we like it or not. Instead of cursing her, one should sorrow over all who work so hard to become one with her, which is why these words have so much truth within them, but few understand:
1 John, 2; 15. Love not the world, neither the things that are in the world. If any man love the world, the love of the Father is not in him.
Not all within it are bonded to it. Just those who are of the Father, who's church is within the hearts and mind of his people, this world knows not at all. God bless and quite different.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 20-Aug-2012
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The trouble is Frank, she already is cursed whether we actually realise it or not, glad you liked the different approach.
Comment from kra-z-ka-z
Very interesting description of Babylon. Your part I mean. I realize the singled out lines are God's... I think anyway... Maybe not since you didn't put chapter, verse...
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reply by the author on 21-Aug-2012
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Very interesting description of Babylon. Your part I mean. I realize the singled out lines are God's... I think anyway... Maybe not since you didn't put chapter, verse...
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 20-Aug-2012
reply by the author on 21-Aug-2012
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