Life, Love, and Other Disasters
Viewing comments for Chapter 10 "Abandoned"A collection of poems on these themes
109 total reviews
Comment from Lysa Schuler
This was an incredible write. Rhyme was not forced, flowed graceful., was easy to read, subject was fascinating, and kept my interest entirely. Worthy of a six, but I'm all out. Have a blessed Easter.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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This was an incredible write. Rhyme was not forced, flowed graceful., was easy to read, subject was fascinating, and kept my interest entirely. Worthy of a six, but I'm all out. Have a blessed Easter.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Lysa, thanks for the kind words and the virtual six - appreciated.
Just polishing off the last chocolate egg!
Steve
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You're so very welcome, and thank you for sharing. Many blessings.
Comment from TAB_that's me
Wow, what great imagery this has in it - all through it but I especially liked this -
Cracked the windows, sightless, staring;
hanging drunk, the wayward door;
shingles tossed by stormy blaring,
bony litter on the floor.
Great rhyme and rhythm. Good luck:)
Teresa
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Wow, what great imagery this has in it - all through it but I especially liked this -
Cracked the windows, sightless, staring;
hanging drunk, the wayward door;
shingles tossed by stormy blaring,
bony litter on the floor.
Great rhyme and rhythm. Good luck:)
Teresa
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Teresa, thanks for the kind words.
Enjoy the rest of your Easter break.
Steve
Comment from ravenblack
Breakers growl and grumble/ claw the beach with wolfish roar- greAt animism of the sea as a hungry spirit both taking away and reminding the speaker of love lost. The door hanging drunk also an excellent touch, no one coming or leaving, just deserted with no pretension to show otherwise.You hit all the right notes here and your meter is spotless.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Breakers growl and grumble/ claw the beach with wolfish roar- greAt animism of the sea as a hungry spirit both taking away and reminding the speaker of love lost. The door hanging drunk also an excellent touch, no one coming or leaving, just deserted with no pretension to show otherwise.You hit all the right notes here and your meter is spotless.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thanks, rb
Steve
Comment from adewpearl
strong use of abab rhyming
effective use of steady trochaic meter
excellent use of personification
nice instances of alliteration
great use of enjambment
intense expression of emotion
strong verb choices contribute to the drama
this one is definitely a keeper and should be a contender in the contest :-) Brooke
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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strong use of abab rhyming
effective use of steady trochaic meter
excellent use of personification
nice instances of alliteration
great use of enjambment
intense expression of emotion
strong verb choices contribute to the drama
this one is definitely a keeper and should be a contender in the contest :-) Brooke
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thanks, Brooke.
yes, I am pretty happy with how this one turned out - let's see if the judges agree....
Steve
Comment from rama devi
Haunting, deliciously descriptive and eloquent, my friend. An impressive post! Tons of superb phonetics in phrasing (too many to list, but I know you know I noticed them all).
Outstanding and inventive rhyming! Bravo!
I read your first stanza aloud three times...remarkably musical:
Dark as lonely seagulls' crying
weeps the wind across the bay;
seething ocean's ceaseless sighing
rasps a rhythm deep and gray.
Lots of great alliteration too.
The second stanza is dramatic and impressive too. Just a couple of small suggestions to note in the first two lines:
Here(,) where breakers growl and grumble,
claw the(clawing) beach with wolfish roar,
With edits:
Here, where breakers growl and grumble,
clawing beach with wolfish roar,
Great rhythm and haunting imagery and fine alliteration and consonance:
Cracked the windows, sightless, staring;
hanging drunk, the wayward door;
shingles tossed by stormy blaring,
bony litter on the floor.
Powerfully voiced and great rhymes--sounds super read aloud (note one optional suggestion):
Wilderness of stinging brambles
chokes where roses once perfumed.
Order, beauty,(--) turned to shambles
where my sweetheart's garden bloomed.
Wow, what an awesome closing note in this last stanza --impacting and intense:
Tender words that vowed forever,
haunting lies that taunt and burn;
still the sea moans, "Never, never,
never shall thy love return."
taunt and haunting--nice harmonic echo there.
Almost a six.
Kudos.
Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Haunting, deliciously descriptive and eloquent, my friend. An impressive post! Tons of superb phonetics in phrasing (too many to list, but I know you know I noticed them all).
Outstanding and inventive rhyming! Bravo!
I read your first stanza aloud three times...remarkably musical:
Dark as lonely seagulls' crying
weeps the wind across the bay;
seething ocean's ceaseless sighing
rasps a rhythm deep and gray.
Lots of great alliteration too.
The second stanza is dramatic and impressive too. Just a couple of small suggestions to note in the first two lines:
Here(,) where breakers growl and grumble,
claw the(clawing) beach with wolfish roar,
With edits:
Here, where breakers growl and grumble,
clawing beach with wolfish roar,
Great rhythm and haunting imagery and fine alliteration and consonance:
Cracked the windows, sightless, staring;
hanging drunk, the wayward door;
shingles tossed by stormy blaring,
bony litter on the floor.
Powerfully voiced and great rhymes--sounds super read aloud (note one optional suggestion):
Wilderness of stinging brambles
chokes where roses once perfumed.
Order, beauty,(--) turned to shambles
where my sweetheart's garden bloomed.
Wow, what an awesome closing note in this last stanza --impacting and intense:
Tender words that vowed forever,
haunting lies that taunt and burn;
still the sea moans, "Never, never,
never shall thy love return."
taunt and haunting--nice harmonic echo there.
Almost a six.
Kudos.
Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thanks, Rama - I always appreciate your detailed review and your sharp eye for the small things.
Steve
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Thank you, Steve. :-)))
Comment from Rainbowsofhappiness
Such a tale of star crossed lovers, separated through the fury of the sea. I love the black and white drawing to help the reader envision the deteriorating state of the little house and the overgrowth of weeds as a result of lack of care. This photo really helps enhance the writer's well worded description of the house in shambles. The final paragraph where the sea is personified as having a voice when it says "Never, never, never shall thy love return." gives the poem a Shakespearean quality to it. This poem flows smoothly and appears as a cohesive unit as a result of the consistent rhyming meter pattern. A well written and constructed poem.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Such a tale of star crossed lovers, separated through the fury of the sea. I love the black and white drawing to help the reader envision the deteriorating state of the little house and the overgrowth of weeds as a result of lack of care. This photo really helps enhance the writer's well worded description of the house in shambles. The final paragraph where the sea is personified as having a voice when it says "Never, never, never shall thy love return." gives the poem a Shakespearean quality to it. This poem flows smoothly and appears as a cohesive unit as a result of the consistent rhyming meter pattern. A well written and constructed poem.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Rainbows, thanks for the thoughtful review.
Steve
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You are truly welcome! :-)
Comment from Loren (7)
This has the brooding sense of an Edgar Allen Poe poem. One can feel the pain of the author and through similes visualize the loss and the ache of what the waves are telling him.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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This has the brooding sense of an Edgar Allen Poe poem. One can feel the pain of the author and through similes visualize the loss and the ache of what the waves are telling him.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thanks for the kind words.
Stevea
Comment from James Dooney
I like what you have done here with this buddy ! Your rhyme structures are very strong here, and I love the flow of it all. Good job !
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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I like what you have done here with this buddy ! Your rhyme structures are very strong here, and I love the flow of it all. Good job !
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thanks for the kind words.
Stevea
Comment from Adri7enne
Wonderful! Is the artwork yours as well?
I loved the metaphor of the abandoned cottage to represent the abandoned lover, whose love will never return.
I enjoyed all the wonderful rhymes and the rhythmic beat. A bit of reversed syntax, but it felt like part of the poem's style. I enjoyed it, Stevie. Good luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Wonderful! Is the artwork yours as well?
I loved the metaphor of the abandoned cottage to represent the abandoned lover, whose love will never return.
I enjoyed all the wonderful rhymes and the rhythmic beat. A bit of reversed syntax, but it felt like part of the poem's style. I enjoyed it, Stevie. Good luck in the contest.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Ah, I wish I could draw like that!
Reverse syntax seems to be a bit of a buzz-phrase at the moment, but as you note, it suits some styles...
Thanks for the kind words.
Steve
Comment from brentman99
A nice poem with good visuals. The only lines I didn't really like were grumble/bumble. But the second last stanza
Cracked the windows, sightless, staring;
hanging drunk, the wayward door;
shingles tossed by stormy blaring,
bony litter on the floor.
was particularly well done with the "bony litter on the floor." A nice touch. Thanks for sharing, Brent.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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A nice poem with good visuals. The only lines I didn't really like were grumble/bumble. But the second last stanza
Cracked the windows, sightless, staring;
hanging drunk, the wayward door;
shingles tossed by stormy blaring,
bony litter on the floor.
was particularly well done with the "bony litter on the floor." A nice touch. Thanks for sharing, Brent.
Comment Written 17-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thanks, Brent - glad you enjoyed.
Steve
