The Toothsmith
He may be in your neighborhood.4 total reviews
Comment from pit viper
I love this story! Atmospheric and concise. No spag errors that stood out. I would recommend you submit this story to The Chamber Magazine. They've published several of my creepy stories, and I'm positive they'd publish this.
Only change I'd make is maybe you should say the town is between Waco and Dallas, or between San Antonio and Houston. Dallas and Houston are at opposite ends of Texas, so between them is, like, everything. Only a Texan would probably notice this, though.
Best luck in the contest. I'm in it too, but I'm sure your story will give me a run for my money!
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2023
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I love this story! Atmospheric and concise. No spag errors that stood out. I would recommend you submit this story to The Chamber Magazine. They've published several of my creepy stories, and I'm positive they'd publish this.
Only change I'd make is maybe you should say the town is between Waco and Dallas, or between San Antonio and Houston. Dallas and Houston are at opposite ends of Texas, so between them is, like, everything. Only a Texan would probably notice this, though.
Best luck in the contest. I'm in it too, but I'm sure your story will give me a run for my money!
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 04-Aug-2023
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Thank you for the review and suggestion. I have visited The Chamber Magazine site and plan to submit, thanks to you. Good luck on the contest. I look forward to reading your story.
Comment from giraffmang
Hi there,
I think you may have something here in terms of story and concept but it feels rather underdeveloped at present. I get it's for a site member-created competition but I feel it's been done a disservice.
You could go much further in terms of creating the atmosphere and mood. It's kind of perfunctory relying on the the happenings to carry the horror aspect but horror is much more than that.
There's great bones here and I hope you revisit it.
. Yet he delighted in giving the younger, healthier patients.- this sentence doesn't go anywhere.
He cracked his jaw to open his mouth and grinned. - this should be clarified in that it's the corpse's mouth cracked open.
He carefully withdrew the tooth that might reuse, - this is a bit awkward.
It may be an idea to come up with an indicator of time shifts as they can be jarring.
All the best
GMG
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Hi there,
I think you may have something here in terms of story and concept but it feels rather underdeveloped at present. I get it's for a site member-created competition but I feel it's been done a disservice.
You could go much further in terms of creating the atmosphere and mood. It's kind of perfunctory relying on the the happenings to carry the horror aspect but horror is much more than that.
There's great bones here and I hope you revisit it.
. Yet he delighted in giving the younger, healthier patients.- this sentence doesn't go anywhere.
He cracked his jaw to open his mouth and grinned. - this should be clarified in that it's the corpse's mouth cracked open.
He carefully withdrew the tooth that might reuse, - this is a bit awkward.
It may be an idea to come up with an indicator of time shifts as they can be jarring.
All the best
GMG
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Thanks for the review and the excellent suggestions.
Comment from Melodie Michelle
Exceptional storyline that captivated my interest showing how well written and well thought out this piece actually was;-) Loved the imagery!
Thanks for sharing and may God bless you;-)
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Exceptional storyline that captivated my interest showing how well written and well thought out this piece actually was;-) Loved the imagery!
Thanks for sharing and may God bless you;-)
Comment Written 03-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2023
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Thanks for the review and six stars.
Comment from Debbie D'Arcy
Well this is a very imaginative take on the contest brief! I was sure it was going to be for a horror entry. Your story read grimly but well and I was fully engaged throughout. There was actually an element of humour which kept it from diving too far into the horror genre. I 'enjoyed' it! There are a few edits: bottom line of first para - pillage: the first highlighted font - Another...; 5th para from the bottom - he (set) to work. Excellent job! Well done and good luck! Debbie
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2023
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Well this is a very imaginative take on the contest brief! I was sure it was going to be for a horror entry. Your story read grimly but well and I was fully engaged throughout. There was actually an element of humour which kept it from diving too far into the horror genre. I 'enjoyed' it! There are a few edits: bottom line of first para - pillage: the first highlighted font - Another...; 5th para from the bottom - he (set) to work. Excellent job! Well done and good luck! Debbie
Comment Written 02-Aug-2023
reply by the author on 02-Aug-2023
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Thanks for the review and corrections.