A World of Colours
Mother Nature in all her splendor3 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
This dumb site just ate my review. Starting over. Tempeste, it's truly incredible how much you have grown as a writer in the last year or so. I know English is not your first language, and you've always been very humble about your writing. So I am truly surprised looking through your portfolio just now to see how many impressive entries here I have seen before in blind contests, which I had no idea were yours. Both the colorful use of the English language and your visual presentation have grown in huge leaps since the last time I looked at a large block of work.
I will get down into some gritty details on this piece as I know you appreciate that sort of feedback.
Stanza 1: illume is a word, but never one I have heard or seen used before. Illuminate is the word everyone uses. But that is four syllables, and I think you want two here, so I suggest something simpler: "reveal". By the way, artic should be spelled ARCTIC.
These vivid, multihued tableaux looked like giant rainbows <= pairing these complex words with simple ones is like serving an expensive cheese on Ritz crackers. I suggest a more interesting synonym to replace "looked like". Perhaps, "resemble"
Or, break this up and fuse it back together more efficiently: ... tulips on show in a vivid, multihued tableaux rainbow.
Spring excites 'n' ignites <= the only time "and" is abbreviated this way is in retail branding. It feels clunky to me in poetry. I would suggest some changes in that stanza:
Spring excites and ignites hearts.
Blushing blossoms bloom, their
sweet scent filling the air. (This is a simplification; maybe you could add something more at the end about how flowers, themselves engaging in sexual reproduction, inspire the same activity in other species)
Enraptured, lover keeps his
sweetheart tightly spooned. <= "lover" needs an article: EACH or A. I suggest the latter.
In scorching summer <= comma
seas glisten by day <= semicolon
come dusk <= comma
The ending is strong.
🦍
  |
This dumb site just ate my review. Starting over. Tempeste, it's truly incredible how much you have grown as a writer in the last year or so. I know English is not your first language, and you've always been very humble about your writing. So I am truly surprised looking through your portfolio just now to see how many impressive entries here I have seen before in blind contests, which I had no idea were yours. Both the colorful use of the English language and your visual presentation have grown in huge leaps since the last time I looked at a large block of work.
I will get down into some gritty details on this piece as I know you appreciate that sort of feedback.
Stanza 1: illume is a word, but never one I have heard or seen used before. Illuminate is the word everyone uses. But that is four syllables, and I think you want two here, so I suggest something simpler: "reveal". By the way, artic should be spelled ARCTIC.
These vivid, multihued tableaux looked like giant rainbows <= pairing these complex words with simple ones is like serving an expensive cheese on Ritz crackers. I suggest a more interesting synonym to replace "looked like". Perhaps, "resemble"
Or, break this up and fuse it back together more efficiently: ... tulips on show in a vivid, multihued tableaux rainbow.
Spring excites 'n' ignites <= the only time "and" is abbreviated this way is in retail branding. It feels clunky to me in poetry. I would suggest some changes in that stanza:
Spring excites and ignites hearts.
Blushing blossoms bloom, their
sweet scent filling the air. (This is a simplification; maybe you could add something more at the end about how flowers, themselves engaging in sexual reproduction, inspire the same activity in other species)
Enraptured, lover keeps his
sweetheart tightly spooned. <= "lover" needs an article: EACH or A. I suggest the latter.
In scorching summer <= comma
seas glisten by day <= semicolon
come dusk <= comma
The ending is strong.
🦍
Comment Written 09-Aug-2024
Comment from RodG
I commend you, Poet, for meeting the challenge of this prompt by not naming colors explicitly, but suggesting them through your imagery. I SEE the Northern Lights, and the volcano spewing lava, those tulips in Holland, and that simmering moon. My only suggestion would be to keep your stanzas a consistent length. Rod
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2024
|
I commend you, Poet, for meeting the challenge of this prompt by not naming colors explicitly, but suggesting them through your imagery. I SEE the Northern Lights, and the volcano spewing lava, those tulips in Holland, and that simmering moon. My only suggestion would be to keep your stanzas a consistent length. Rod
Comment Written 24-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2024
-
Thank you for the kind words. I will keep in mind your helpful suggestion in the future.
Glad you enjoyed my poem. I don't think I will ever see the Northern Lights but I hope to visit the fields of tulips in Holland where my mother was born.
Comment from Pamusart
Hi
This is a good entry for the contest. Good luck with that!!
This is the most excellent entry I have seen for this contest. You have managed to create mony colors in this reviewers mind without mentioning the names of the colors.
In fact, for the sunset, you left it open. It was a yellow sunset, pink one orange maroon all those colors can be in a sunset.
Blood was perfect for red. Multicolored was perfect for tulips.
Rainbow was perfect for blue, yellow and red
I think this is fantastic. I'm going to give you a six for this one, even though I did find a couple of mistakes.
Here I think it should be holds
"Mother Earth hold us spellbound"
Here I think it should be perfume
"the air, they profume"
I enjoyed reading your poem
Good job. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2024
 |
Hi
This is a good entry for the contest. Good luck with that!!
This is the most excellent entry I have seen for this contest. You have managed to create mony colors in this reviewers mind without mentioning the names of the colors.
In fact, for the sunset, you left it open. It was a yellow sunset, pink one orange maroon all those colors can be in a sunset.
Blood was perfect for red. Multicolored was perfect for tulips.
Rainbow was perfect for blue, yellow and red
I think this is fantastic. I'm going to give you a six for this one, even though I did find a couple of mistakes.
Here I think it should be holds
"Mother Earth hold us spellbound"
Here I think it should be perfume
"the air, they profume"
I enjoyed reading your poem
Good job. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 24-Jul-2024
reply by the author on 24-Jul-2024
-
I am so happy you enjoyed my wee poem and thought it was worthy of that extra shiny star.
Yes, it should be perfume .. and I added the s.
Thank you for taking the time to point out these errors.
