Melanie
A Wreathed Shakespearean Sonnet4 total reviews
Comment from SimianSavant
This was such a neat format, and thus challenged, I decided to write two of them myself. Thank you for that. Sonnets are hard enough for me and this dialed it up a notch.
Stanzas one and three are very effective and powerful. Gravestone is commonly written as one word, though in the Germanic tradition that is very much a part of older English, the hyphen you added is permissible as well, and poeticizes it in an interesting way.
On subsequent reads it read smoother to me. I found stanza 2 a bit more difficult to digest at first, digressing from great in line 6 to something more abstract, even while it does a great job of establishing a central premise in line 7, yet in its admirable goal to hit so many rhyming checkboxes, perhaps loses some clarity along the way. "Entails" sounds a little heady and kind of passive voice. Maybe that's the right fit for a ghost. Perhaps it will make readers think of entrails, or, why not figure out a way to use THAT word? It's conventionally accented differently (on the first syllable rather than second), but that could be forgiven in pursuit of a greater horror. Admittedly this is a really difficult line to improve. After various failed attempts, here are some ideas you're welcome to use, although they are imperfect: "She seeks entrails to sate her stomach's growl.", or, "Her lost entrails she seeks like wounded fowl." I don't know if this improves your sonnet, but I had to challenge myself to find some possible alternative with this review.
Line 7 & 14: starting with "this" comes across as a little Eastern European. Why not say "the" instead?
Overall excellent work though, and congrats on this contest win. Regards,
🦍
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024
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This was such a neat format, and thus challenged, I decided to write two of them myself. Thank you for that. Sonnets are hard enough for me and this dialed it up a notch.
Stanzas one and three are very effective and powerful. Gravestone is commonly written as one word, though in the Germanic tradition that is very much a part of older English, the hyphen you added is permissible as well, and poeticizes it in an interesting way.
On subsequent reads it read smoother to me. I found stanza 2 a bit more difficult to digest at first, digressing from great in line 6 to something more abstract, even while it does a great job of establishing a central premise in line 7, yet in its admirable goal to hit so many rhyming checkboxes, perhaps loses some clarity along the way. "Entails" sounds a little heady and kind of passive voice. Maybe that's the right fit for a ghost. Perhaps it will make readers think of entrails, or, why not figure out a way to use THAT word? It's conventionally accented differently (on the first syllable rather than second), but that could be forgiven in pursuit of a greater horror. Admittedly this is a really difficult line to improve. After various failed attempts, here are some ideas you're welcome to use, although they are imperfect: "She seeks entrails to sate her stomach's growl.", or, "Her lost entrails she seeks like wounded fowl." I don't know if this improves your sonnet, but I had to challenge myself to find some possible alternative with this review.
Line 7 & 14: starting with "this" comes across as a little Eastern European. Why not say "the" instead?
Overall excellent work though, and congrats on this contest win. Regards,
🦍
Comment Written 22-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 22-Oct-2024
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Hey Simian!
Thanks for dropping by! I always appreciate your insight into my meter and word choices. I went back in and redid that line. You HAVE NO IDEA how hard I worked on that middle stanza. I totally agree that the first and third are good, but the middle is problematic. I think I just managed to improve it somewhat. The word "entails" wasn't working at all, but I found that "unveils" works much better.
"yet in its admirable goal to hit so many rhyming checkboxes, perhaps loses some clarity along the way." --You absolutely nailed it. Due to the mandate of the form to have a wreathed rhyming echo in the fourth syllable, it tends to box you in. So, you are not only limited by iambic meter, syllable count, and end rhyme, you are also limited by the need for that echoing rhyme. It is certainly a most challenging format. I would suggest one of these to anyone who wants to work on internal rhyme, assonance, and iambic rhythm.
Your lines are good, but unfortunately, the narrative of the poem must focus on HOW she died and the fact of her intense desire for revenge. I can't spend a lot of time explaining what she does in the present (whether it be simply haunting and wailing or actually eating the insides of people). Fourteen lines is just not enough to tell the full story.
I do appreciate your review very much. It made me go back in and take another stab at that stanza. I think I have marginally improved it. I will let it marinate for a week or so, and maybe I will continue to tweak it.
Thanks, my friend!
Patrick
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I'm glad that this led you to an improvement superior to either of the ones I offered. The one advantage that I think your previous version offered was that line 9 came as more of a shock when it hit. The word "rape" two lines previously makes "between her thighs" somewhat less climactic, and line 9 seems like a better place. Food for thought: what about "bewails"? And save the figurative unveiling for line 9. Then you just have to find two alternative words to replace "her rape".
Comment from karenina
I am unfamiliar with the term "wreathed" -- but quickly spotted the internal rhyme and its pattern. You manage to blend the beauty of a sonnet with the horror of the tale.
Dark indeed! Poor Melanie will haunt my dreams this night!
Karenina
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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I am unfamiliar with the term "wreathed" -- but quickly spotted the internal rhyme and its pattern. You manage to blend the beauty of a sonnet with the horror of the tale.
Dark indeed! Poor Melanie will haunt my dreams this night!
Karenina
Comment Written 21-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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Thank you for your review and comments! 😊 I also very much appreciate your 6-star rating!
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You are so welcome!
Comment from Shirley Ann Bunyan
A top class sonnet with an olde worlde feel which perfectly captures the essence of a Shakespearean sonnet. Admirable word choices, imaginative phrasing, smooth/appropriate rhyming, bump-less metre and a gruesome story to boot!. What more can you ask? Excellent writing.
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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A top class sonnet with an olde worlde feel which perfectly captures the essence of a Shakespearean sonnet. Admirable word choices, imaginative phrasing, smooth/appropriate rhyming, bump-less metre and a gruesome story to boot!. What more can you ask? Excellent writing.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 21-Oct-2024
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Thank you for your review and comments! 😊 I also very much appreciate your 6-star rating!
Comment from Marilyn Hamilton
A very dark tale indeed. I am trying to figure if Melanie is actually returning from the grave to prowl or if her rage is all spiritual. Very nicely written.
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2024
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A very dark tale indeed. I am trying to figure if Melanie is actually returning from the grave to prowl or if her rage is all spiritual. Very nicely written.
Comment Written 20-Oct-2024
reply by the author on 20-Oct-2024
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Thank you! 😊