MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 4 "Sam's Place"A Day at Sea World
16 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hiya Gayle!
Ooh! Exciting chapter here. I should be leaving for work, but I'm still reading! :) Overall, really nice job w/ the parents, especially Beth's mom. I love that kid, Danny, by the way. I hope his character doesn't retreat to the background too much!
Overall, nice job with the beginnings of telling us what is happening to Beth, and great hook at the end. What IS behind that door?
Some stuff to look at/comments:
The guard recognized their car halfway down the block. The country club gate swung open before they hit the entry.
(consider combining these two sentences. It reads choppy as two short sentences.)
Connie ran up to Molly as she climbed out of the car and took her by the shoulders (need 'of the car'? It's implied.)
Besides, that would be a hit(-)or(-)miss proposition in a crowd that size.
Molly cried out and buried her head in her hands. "Noooo. I want to go home. I don't want to listen to this ... there's nothing, I ... I couldn't see out the window. Mommy, please take me home." (I felt like you needed an exclamation point or two here somewhere, Gayle.)
Twelve-year-old confidence, reeking with bravado, walked out the door. (<--love this.)
He flipped a switch and a dim bulb high in the rafters, (don't think you need this comma.) gave off a meager light. "Walk over to the wall and stop."
That's it!
Take care,
Sis
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reply by the author on 06-Jun-2008
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Hiya Gayle!
Ooh! Exciting chapter here. I should be leaving for work, but I'm still reading! :) Overall, really nice job w/ the parents, especially Beth's mom. I love that kid, Danny, by the way. I hope his character doesn't retreat to the background too much!
Overall, nice job with the beginnings of telling us what is happening to Beth, and great hook at the end. What IS behind that door?
Some stuff to look at/comments:
The guard recognized their car halfway down the block. The country club gate swung open before they hit the entry.
(consider combining these two sentences. It reads choppy as two short sentences.)
Connie ran up to Molly as she climbed out of the car and took her by the shoulders (need 'of the car'? It's implied.)
Besides, that would be a hit(-)or(-)miss proposition in a crowd that size.
Molly cried out and buried her head in her hands. "Noooo. I want to go home. I don't want to listen to this ... there's nothing, I ... I couldn't see out the window. Mommy, please take me home." (I felt like you needed an exclamation point or two here somewhere, Gayle.)
Twelve-year-old confidence, reeking with bravado, walked out the door. (<--love this.)
He flipped a switch and a dim bulb high in the rafters, (don't think you need this comma.) gave off a meager light. "Walk over to the wall and stop."
That's it!
Take care,
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 06-Jun-2008
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Hey Sis,
I'm honored, as you know, to call you friend, but I am blessed to have you for a reviewer. Oh, you are sooo right and I already made the fixes.
Thank you so much for everything you've done for me and have a great weekend. Are ya goin' showin'? Win all the tricolors then send me a photo!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
Oh no.. its heating up. my heart starts pumping very fast when i read this story... you are a thrill -writer, showtimebook.
Stephy
reply by the author on 30-May-2008
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Oh no.. its heating up. my heart starts pumping very fast when i read this story... you are a thrill -writer, showtimebook.
Stephy
Comment Written 29-May-2008
reply by the author on 30-May-2008
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LOL, Stephy, I'm so glad you are enjoying this story. Thanks for the fine R&R.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Gayle, this could almost make me ill if I wasn't prepared for it. These pedophiles and perpetrators hang out at amusement parks, circuses, playgrounds, and other places just to steal innoncent children and teenagers for their own sick games. It is why I work so hard with H-E-A-R-T, RESPONSE, and soon, with R.A.I.N.N. We must get these sickos off our streets to save our kids.
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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Gayle, this could almost make me ill if I wasn't prepared for it. These pedophiles and perpetrators hang out at amusement parks, circuses, playgrounds, and other places just to steal innoncent children and teenagers for their own sick games. It is why I work so hard with H-E-A-R-T, RESPONSE, and soon, with R.A.I.N.N. We must get these sickos off our streets to save our kids.
Comment Written 26-May-2008
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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Amen, Jan, we've got to get them off. Worst thing I've discovered in my research is that a sexual predator cannot be rehabilitated. I remember when James Dobson had his interviews with Ted Bundy. By that time, Bundy had repented and supposedly accepted salvation. On the other hand, he made no bones about the fact that if he got the chance, he'd do it again. They figure, all told, he murdered more than 100 women and girls.
Thanks for the great comments and R&R!
Love ya,
Gayle
Comment from Paradox Tremors
Your story keeps on getting better and better. The suspense is rising and you have us in fear of what may happen. Nicely done.
You have a good talent in storytelling.
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Your story keeps on getting better and better. The suspense is rising and you have us in fear of what may happen. Nicely done.
You have a good talent in storytelling.
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Thank you so much for your wonderful comments. I really appreciate you reading through like this,
Gayle
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The pleasure's all mine.
Comment from RenieReader
How horrible for the parents and friends. Everyone will feel so responsible and imagine the worst. Your characters and their situations seem so realistic. Your dialogue adds a third dimension to them. Sam seems like a total nut job. Poor Beth.
I couldn't find a thing that need changing.
Renie
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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How horrible for the parents and friends. Everyone will feel so responsible and imagine the worst. Your characters and their situations seem so realistic. Your dialogue adds a third dimension to them. Sam seems like a total nut job. Poor Beth.
I couldn't find a thing that need changing.
Renie
Comment Written 16-May-2008
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Hi Renie,
Yeah, this kind of crime just devastates the family and is every parent's biggest fear.
You've not read much of my stuff, so let me reassure you, while this story might scare you real good, I don't give you nightmares to read...I leave it up to your mind as to where you want to go. You'll see what I mean as you read along.
Thanks so much for the R&R and fine comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from TomandOma
This is perfectly horrible, Sis. You've done an excellent job of showing the terror of the parents involved. I think today, it's every parent's secret fear. What is equally horrible is that boys are at risk as much as girls, and in addition, there are the gang-bangers with their random shootings.
You are drawing the picture clearly. In fact, I was surprised at how quickly the Amber alerts were up. I've never seen one of those; I'll bet Illinois doesn't have them.
Nicely done, Sis, and I don't see anything that needs fixed.
Hugs, Doris
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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This is perfectly horrible, Sis. You've done an excellent job of showing the terror of the parents involved. I think today, it's every parent's secret fear. What is equally horrible is that boys are at risk as much as girls, and in addition, there are the gang-bangers with their random shootings.
You are drawing the picture clearly. In fact, I was surprised at how quickly the Amber alerts were up. I've never seen one of those; I'll bet Illinois doesn't have them.
Nicely done, Sis, and I don't see anything that needs fixed.
Hugs, Doris
Comment Written 15-May-2008
reply by the author on 16-May-2008
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Hey Sis,
Yeah, this is a nightmare, isn't it? And boys, too. No one is safe and it gets worse every day.
Those Amber Alerts go up in a matter of minutes. All the cops need is a description of the people involved, the car and a photo if possible. Very effective, too. I guess California has a high incidence of kidnapping as several reviewers mentioned that they don't have those signs in their state.
Thank you so much for the R&R and for your comments. Mostly, for being you.
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from bookishfabler
duct tape from her mouth, giggling when she yelled in pain. " (giggling isn't a good word for a guy. I would stick with laughing)
Be careful in the last part of this. I see you switching POV from Beth to Sam and back again. Either have Beth decribe everything that is happening and her fears and feelings, or go inside Sam's twisted mind and decribe his feelings. I might choose Beths POV. Then she wouldn't know what he did once he closed the door.
hugs book
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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duct tape from her mouth, giggling when she yelled in pain. " (giggling isn't a good word for a guy. I would stick with laughing)
Be careful in the last part of this. I see you switching POV from Beth to Sam and back again. Either have Beth decribe everything that is happening and her fears and feelings, or go inside Sam's twisted mind and decribe his feelings. I might choose Beths POV. Then she wouldn't know what he did once he closed the door.
hugs book
Comment Written 13-May-2008
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Hi Heidi,
Y'know, I'm trying to make him sound as nutty as a fruit cake, giggling, rubbing his hands together. Laughing would be better, huh?
Also, I'll go over that wole chapter again and make sure I'm not losing the pov. God, are we back to THAT again? POV used to be my nemesis! ARRGH!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Sylvia Page
Hmmm, the suspense is building very well. The plot is getting even better. The parent's anguish, the desperation and the worry... the imagery is excellent...will look out for the next soon.
The jouncing, [bouncing]
{ I }[It] might have been a barn once;
Happy writing,
Sylvia
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Hmmm, the suspense is building very well. The plot is getting even better. The parent's anguish, the desperation and the worry... the imagery is excellent...will look out for the next soon.
The jouncing, [bouncing]
{ I }[It] might have been a barn once;
Happy writing,
Sylvia
Comment Written 13-May-2008
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Hi Sylvia,
Thanks so much for the great R&R and for your comments. I'm thrilled that you're reading along!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
The poor family, also I don?t blame the kids for breaking down as well. It looks like Sam has done this before. You have portrayed him to really appear creepy. Will be looking for more tomorrow.
Typo:
TV and a rudimentary kitchen. I (
Best wishes and dreams
How is your foot going?
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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The poor family, also I don?t blame the kids for breaking down as well. It looks like Sam has done this before. You have portrayed him to really appear creepy. Will be looking for more tomorrow.
Typo:
TV and a rudimentary kitchen. I (
Best wishes and dreams
How is your foot going?
Comment Written 12-May-2008
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Metcha Ladies,
I'm still hobbling around...I think I probably broke some of the little bones in my foot, but it's too late to do anything about it now. Crud!
I'll get the nit and make fix. Sure do appreciate the R&R and your wonderful comments,
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
By golly, there's no lack of action in this one and plenty of threads to pick up and run with.
What an excellent line for Danny:
Danny began to protest, correctly read the expression on his father's face and nodded. "No sweat, I can beat them home, even if they already left." He paused a moment and glanced at Beth's parents. "I'm so sorry about, I mean, like this sucks, but the cops will find her; they always do."
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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By golly, there's no lack of action in this one and plenty of threads to pick up and run with.
What an excellent line for Danny:
Danny began to protest, correctly read the expression on his father's face and nodded. "No sweat, I can beat them home, even if they already left." He paused a moment and glanced at Beth's parents. "I'm so sorry about, I mean, like this sucks, but the cops will find her; they always do."
Comment Written 12-May-2008
reply by the author on 13-May-2008
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Ah, poor Danny, his first crush is missing and the outcome is not bright. The cops may, indeed, always find them, just sometimes it's too late.
Thanks Freddie, for the R&R and the great comments.
Hugs,
Annabelle