MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 8 "Big Plans"A Day at Sea World
15 total reviews
Comment from Stephy Jemmisparks
Gayle, I realised that imissed this chapter on Rudy and I could not remember who he was, so I could not make out the ending. I am still on the story, figuring it out, plaese do not be angry, I loved your works. If I do not, I would have said it. And I do so like you.
Stephy.
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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Gayle, I realised that imissed this chapter on Rudy and I could not remember who he was, so I could not make out the ending. I am still on the story, figuring it out, plaese do not be angry, I loved your works. If I do not, I would have said it. And I do so like you.
Stephy.
Comment Written 25-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 25-Jul-2008
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Hey Stephy,
I'm glad you were able to make that out, sweetie, and I could never be angry at you. Anytime you need help, you give me a pm.
Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Sissy
Hey Gayle,
I think this is a good transitional chapter. It still provided information, and moved the story along. I love how Amy 'prefers convertibles'! :) Made me laugh. The dogs really provide a lot of fun for your story (stories!) and lighten things up when necessary.
Some stuff to consider:
She no longer played an integral part in the daily operation of the restaurant, limiting herself to taking care of the books and reassuring Chef through his frequent predictions of impending doom.
With the hiring of Kelly Adams, Food and Beverage Director, Extraordinaire, and Barry Walker, the drop-dead gorgeous, mouth-watering new host, her only responsibility was to be there in case of emergencies.
(Okay, you have 'her only responsibility' here, yet you say earlier that she still does the books and reassures Chef. Consider adjusting a bit.)
The two(-)million(-)dollar reward
Still, ELLA'S was her baby, her personal success story and it was hard to let go; still, she had to make the choice because she couldn't have both (Wasn't sure about the double 'still' here. See if anyone else points this out.)
. She remembered the empty barn of a place in her mind(')s eye and chuckled
"You couldn't squeeze a fart in there," Lenny said succinctly.
(need the 'succintly' part? That's implied. Also, that line cracked me up.)
back seat of the (J)ag and
The dog glided into the car and sat, head, neck and a good portion of her chest visible above the low-slung lines of the sports car. (into the car/of the sports car - double 'car'. Consider kicking one.)
Jim saw the Jag turn into the drive and waved at them (<--need 'at them'?) as he got out (need?-->of the car) and opened the back of the Suburban.
(Watch the 'Jim saw' - telling.)
find at a top(-)end street fair
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2008
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Hey Gayle,
I think this is a good transitional chapter. It still provided information, and moved the story along. I love how Amy 'prefers convertibles'! :) Made me laugh. The dogs really provide a lot of fun for your story (stories!) and lighten things up when necessary.
Some stuff to consider:
She no longer played an integral part in the daily operation of the restaurant, limiting herself to taking care of the books and reassuring Chef through his frequent predictions of impending doom.
With the hiring of Kelly Adams, Food and Beverage Director, Extraordinaire, and Barry Walker, the drop-dead gorgeous, mouth-watering new host, her only responsibility was to be there in case of emergencies.
(Okay, you have 'her only responsibility' here, yet you say earlier that she still does the books and reassures Chef. Consider adjusting a bit.)
The two(-)million(-)dollar reward
Still, ELLA'S was her baby, her personal success story and it was hard to let go; still, she had to make the choice because she couldn't have both (Wasn't sure about the double 'still' here. See if anyone else points this out.)
. She remembered the empty barn of a place in her mind(')s eye and chuckled
"You couldn't squeeze a fart in there," Lenny said succinctly.
(need the 'succintly' part? That's implied. Also, that line cracked me up.)
back seat of the (J)ag and
The dog glided into the car and sat, head, neck and a good portion of her chest visible above the low-slung lines of the sports car. (into the car/of the sports car - double 'car'. Consider kicking one.)
Jim saw the Jag turn into the drive and waved at them (<--need 'at them'?) as he got out (need?-->of the car) and opened the back of the Suburban.
(Watch the 'Jim saw' - telling.)
find at a top(-)end street fair
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2008
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My goodness, Sis, you're poor eyes must be tired. I can't thank you enough for forging ahead like this, and obviously, I need the editing help. Well, too more and I'm off to the cave.
Love,
Gayle
Comment from TomandOma
In re the author's notes, I don't think it went on too long at all. For me, every action plot needs quiet times, or the action may get exhausting and also lack the impact of surprises. Also, these quiet times reflect facets of the characters that make their 'on the job' personalities glow with contrast. Hope I'm on track, here.
The dogs are not only beguiling, they are impressive.
Only one minor nit:
The tips of her pointy ears vibrated like hummingbird wings. [Love this!]
~~~
Terry had been cautioned to keep her foot out of the carburetor for the entire trip.
[Lighthearted. Keeps the drama on target.]
~~
"According to the witnesses,*** the clown had a mad, scary face. She*** said his eyes looked maniacal,
***Change here from plural to singular
~~~
The tips of her pointy ears vibrated like hummingbird wings. [Love this!]
~~~
Terry had been cautioned to keep her foot out of the carburetor for the entire trip.
[Lighthearted. Keeps the drama on target.]
~~
"According to the witnesses,*** the clown had a mad, scary face. She*** said his eyes looked maniacal,
***
***Change here from plural to singular
~~~
The tips of her pointy ears vibrated like hummingbird wings. [Love this!]
~~~
Terry had been cautioned to keep her foot out of the carburetor for the entire trip.
[Lighthearted. Keeps the drama on target.]
~~
"According to the witnesses,*** the clown had a mad, scary face. She*** said his eyes looked maniacal,
***
***Change here from plural to singular
~~~
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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In re the author's notes, I don't think it went on too long at all. For me, every action plot needs quiet times, or the action may get exhausting and also lack the impact of surprises. Also, these quiet times reflect facets of the characters that make their 'on the job' personalities glow with contrast. Hope I'm on track, here.
The dogs are not only beguiling, they are impressive.
Only one minor nit:
The tips of her pointy ears vibrated like hummingbird wings. [Love this!]
~~~
Terry had been cautioned to keep her foot out of the carburetor for the entire trip.
[Lighthearted. Keeps the drama on target.]
~~
"According to the witnesses,*** the clown had a mad, scary face. She*** said his eyes looked maniacal,
***Change here from plural to singular
~~~
The tips of her pointy ears vibrated like hummingbird wings. [Love this!]
~~~
Terry had been cautioned to keep her foot out of the carburetor for the entire trip.
[Lighthearted. Keeps the drama on target.]
~~
"According to the witnesses,*** the clown had a mad, scary face. She*** said his eyes looked maniacal,
***
***Change here from plural to singular
~~~
The tips of her pointy ears vibrated like hummingbird wings. [Love this!]
~~~
Terry had been cautioned to keep her foot out of the carburetor for the entire trip.
[Lighthearted. Keeps the drama on target.]
~~
"According to the witnesses,*** the clown had a mad, scary face. She*** said his eyes looked maniacal,
***
***Change here from plural to singular
~~~
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Hey Sis,
I really enjoyed this one, too. Hummer wings! Cool, huh?
I fixed the 'she' to 'they'...I don't know how I did that. I'm glad you liked this chapter and that it didn't slow the flow. sometimes you can get so out of breath when you don't get a time out!
Thanks so much,
Hugs
Annabelle
Comment from Paradox Tremors
Glad I've gone back and caught up on things. I think this chapter works out well. Slowing the tempo down every now and again is good.
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Glad I've gone back and caught up on things. I think this chapter works out well. Slowing the tempo down every now and again is good.
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Whew! We're both out of breath by this time. But I agree, in a story like this you can't really get by without the beginning chapters.
Thank you so much for doing this. Here, have a thumb!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
Ok, Gayle, I know I'm jumping into a new book in the midst of it instead of at the beginning, but I plan to go back and pick up the other chapters as I can. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things now that I have a couple of things off my shoulders and have a long weekend upcoming. I was supposed to be out-of-town all day but got a last minute reprieve late last night so will do some reviewing today and get some other things done I need to do. Only found one small piece of spag. Amy having a bit of the frumps about the new girl?
minds eye and chuckled. >> mind's eye and chuckled.
reply by the author on 23-May-2008
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Ok, Gayle, I know I'm jumping into a new book in the midst of it instead of at the beginning, but I plan to go back and pick up the other chapters as I can. I'm trying to get back into the swing of things now that I have a couple of things off my shoulders and have a long weekend upcoming. I was supposed to be out-of-town all day but got a last minute reprieve late last night so will do some reviewing today and get some other things done I need to do. Only found one small piece of spag. Amy having a bit of the frumps about the new girl?
minds eye and chuckled. >> mind's eye and chuckled.
Comment Written 23-May-2008
reply by the author on 23-May-2008
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Hey Jan,
Great to hear things are slowing down for a bit for you..hate that threadmill!
Well, Amy is an Alpha female if ever there was one, plus Ella's spoiled her rotten. I guess as long as Cricket stays away from Tony Amy won't mind! LOL
Hugs and big thanks,
Gayle
Comment from Jonez08
Hi there, this is another well written, informative chapter, transitionals are necessary in order to avoid rushing through, I enjoyed seeing how everything was being prepared. I'm looking forward to more.No spag noted.
Cassandra
reply by the author on 22-May-2008
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Hi there, this is another well written, informative chapter, transitionals are necessary in order to avoid rushing through, I enjoyed seeing how everything was being prepared. I'm looking forward to more.No spag noted.
Cassandra
Comment Written 21-May-2008
reply by the author on 22-May-2008
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Hi Cassandra,
Sometimes, especially with serials, it's easy to forget that every reader has to be considered a 'new' reader. It's easy to just assume, after two other books with the same four characters...y'know?
Thanks so much for your comments and R&R. You're much appreciated,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
Oh good another dog. Amy is getting a bit bossy and likes the Mustang, is she still dancing? I see why they need the girls to help on this one, all the leads need covering so quickly.
Suggestion:
"I bet Lenny's tickled. I know he's had a ball learning with her. (the second sentence doesn?t seem to read quite right to me)
Typo:
Meanwhile, on the other side of the restaurant,>insert gap<"Oh, Lenny,"
Will email another idea.
Love and blessings.
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Oh good another dog. Amy is getting a bit bossy and likes the Mustang, is she still dancing? I see why they need the girls to help on this one, all the leads need covering so quickly.
Suggestion:
"I bet Lenny's tickled. I know he's had a ball learning with her. (the second sentence doesn?t seem to read quite right to me)
Typo:
Meanwhile, on the other side of the restaurant,>insert gap<"Oh, Lenny,"
Will email another idea.
Love and blessings.
Comment Written 20-May-2008
reply by the author on 21-May-2008
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Hey Ladies,
Yes, our new canine star has finally made an appearance. I see what you mean about that sentence. Let me check it out and make fix.
Thanks so much for the great R&R.
Love,
Gayle
Comment from bookishfabler
I liked the chapter. A few notes.
Extraordinaire, (not capitalized.)
"You couldn't squeeze a fart in there," LOL
Well, that was really one note and one chuckle. Great job
hugs
book
reply by the author on 20-May-2008
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I liked the chapter. A few notes.
Extraordinaire, (not capitalized.)
"You couldn't squeeze a fart in there," LOL
Well, that was really one note and one chuckle. Great job
hugs
book
Comment Written 20-May-2008
reply by the author on 20-May-2008
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Hey Heidi,
I was trying to be a funny girl there. I'll get that cap.
Comment from RenieReader
Gayle: I thought this was a great chapter and I appreciated you setting things up so we could see how these hunts are set up and carried through. Good job. I love it.
Here ya go for a giggle:
They embraced[,] then pulled apart as a cold wet nose thrust itself into Jim's side.
Hugs,
Renie
reply by the author on 20-May-2008
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Gayle: I thought this was a great chapter and I appreciated you setting things up so we could see how these hunts are set up and carried through. Good job. I love it.
Here ya go for a giggle:
They embraced[,] then pulled apart as a cold wet nose thrust itself into Jim's side.
Hugs,
Renie
Comment Written 19-May-2008
reply by the author on 20-May-2008
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Hey Renie,
As I said before, this is a series, and my longtime fans know so much about this bunch, I get to feeling redundant. Then I'm reminded that most have NOT, and so, a little backstory is in order. Glad you liked it!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
You need chapters like this in a novel. It is the distorted nature of Fanstory that punishes chapters like these. I enjoyed reading about Terry and Ella, not to mention her restaurant. Most of the characters I remember from earlier novels, but Cricket is someone new. Does she have a bit of basset hound in her?
I could not find any spags or unclear writing. I can't think of anything here that needs work.
Dave M
reply by the author on 20-May-2008
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Gayle,
You need chapters like this in a novel. It is the distorted nature of Fanstory that punishes chapters like these. I enjoyed reading about Terry and Ella, not to mention her restaurant. Most of the characters I remember from earlier novels, but Cricket is someone new. Does she have a bit of basset hound in her?
I could not find any spags or unclear writing. I can't think of anything here that needs work.
Dave M
Comment Written 19-May-2008
reply by the author on 20-May-2008
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Aha! Dave, this is where I use a good bit of 'poetic license' since Dobies, to my knowledge, do NOT do this. But it's fiction, right? I mean, it isn't like she can fly or anything. She just tracks...and no, no basset.
Hey, what do you get when you cross a poodle with a basset? Either a Poo-Bat or a Bassadoodle! ROFLMAO.
What can I say, it's hot!
Hugs,
Gayle