MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 9 "Clown Search"A Day at Sea World
24 total reviews
Comment from Sissy
Hey Gayle!
You know, it would be fitting for them to stab Sam with a rotten piece of wood. I wonder what's going to happen, if they can escape. The one good thing about being behind is, I can have instant gratification.
For you to look at:
With her ear pressed up (<---need?0 against the wall, she heard Audrey crying, begging Sam not to hurt her any mor
(try to kick that telling 'heard')
He continued to scream at her (<--need 'at her'?), voice audible above the sounds of the TV, his words clear (need?--> through the wall.)
slamming into the wall.
as he slammed the door
(slamming/slammed - repetitive/close together.)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
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The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2008
Hey Gayle!
You know, it would be fitting for them to stab Sam with a rotten piece of wood. I wonder what's going to happen, if they can escape. The one good thing about being behind is, I can have instant gratification.
For you to look at:
With her ear pressed up (<---need?0 against the wall, she heard Audrey crying, begging Sam not to hurt her any mor
(try to kick that telling 'heard')
He continued to scream at her (<--need 'at her'?), voice audible above the sounds of the TV, his words clear (need?--> through the wall.)
slamming into the wall.
as he slammed the door
(slamming/slammed - repetitive/close together.)
Hope this helps!
Take care,
Sis
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 07-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 08-Jun-2008
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Hi Sissy,
I had so many things I wanted to do to him! Get Tony on him, stabbing him, man, I was up for just about anything. I just couldn't see how to do it without suspending disbelief to the breaking point...then it came to me. I think you'll like it.
Pasted and plugged! Big hugs and thanks my friend,
Gayle
Comment from davidray
Hello again, Gayel,
It seems old saying this to you, but I can really see the quality of your writing coming to life. FOr what it's worth, you've dedfinitely turned it up a notch!
You go girl!!
Hugs, D
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
Hello again, Gayel,
It seems old saying this to you, but I can really see the quality of your writing coming to life. FOr what it's worth, you've dedfinitely turned it up a notch!
You go girl!!
Hugs, D
Comment Written 27-May-2008
reply by the author on 27-May-2008
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Hey David,
That moving and all it entails is a mess, isn't it? So glad you're all settled in and that we'll seeing you post soon.
thanks for the great R&R!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Oatmeal
showtimebook,
Goodness, this was a scary chapter! LOL Just the type of novel that I cannot read. It is okay though. If it gets too bad then I will stop. Right now I am okay , so please do not worry.
The story line is strong. The characters are real. The dialogs are good.
I spotted a couple of errors-
Sam not to hurt her (any more). The sobbing escalated and
**anymore
went (bland). They'd come to the end of the line, finally.
**blank
Beth slumped into the corner, heart beating like a (trip hammer). Any
**trip-hammer
Everything else was wonderful.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 26-May-2008
showtimebook,
Goodness, this was a scary chapter! LOL Just the type of novel that I cannot read. It is okay though. If it gets too bad then I will stop. Right now I am okay , so please do not worry.
The story line is strong. The characters are real. The dialogs are good.
I spotted a couple of errors-
Sam not to hurt her (any more). The sobbing escalated and
**anymore
went (bland). They'd come to the end of the line, finally.
**blank
Beth slumped into the corner, heart beating like a (trip hammer). Any
**trip-hammer
Everything else was wonderful.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 26-May-2008
reply by the author on 26-May-2008
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Hey Oatmeal,
This story won't turn you off. It's scary, but mostly everything is left up to the reader. Nothing graphic!
Thanks so much for the wonderful review!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Norbanus
Damn! You've got the horror flowin' in this one, Annabelle.
Don't forget to watch for those sneaky little words that slip into phrases when you least expect them. Like ..'ear pressedup against the wall..,' instead of 'ear pressed against the wall,..'
I didn't see a thing to suggest in the story.
Freddie
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
Damn! You've got the horror flowin' in this one, Annabelle.
Don't forget to watch for those sneaky little words that slip into phrases when you least expect them. Like ..'ear pressed
I didn't see a thing to suggest in the story.
Freddie
Comment Written 25-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Hey Freddie,
This one is movin' right along, isn't it? Of course, the one problem I have when I write like that is all kinds of little bad habits slip by.
Actually, I just printed off the copies here to make the edits to the ms. Hey, email to follow!
Hugs,
Annabelle
Comment from bookishfabler
Her teeth clapped together like castanets and for a moment, she was unable to move. She drew several deep breaths, shook herself off as best she could and toddled back to the bed.
(Change the wording here. you are going into Audreys head, changing POV.
and fr a moment she didn't move. and maybe take out (as best she could)
"If we could figure out a way to get out of here, that would be the best."
They clasped hands in the dark.
(skip a line)
hugs
book
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
Her teeth clapped together like castanets and for a moment, she was unable to move. She drew several deep breaths, shook herself off as best she could and toddled back to the bed.
(Change the wording here. you are going into Audreys head, changing POV.
and fr a moment she didn't move. and maybe take out (as best she could)
"If we could figure out a way to get out of here, that would be the best."
They clasped hands in the dark.
(skip a line)
hugs
book
Comment Written 25-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Hey Heidi,
Dangit! I thought I was okay there, since it was something physical you could 'see' if it weren't so dark. Okay, I can make fix. God, this stinking pov thingy. I used to be so bad about that, too. Thought I'd been delivered!
I'll drop that line! Hey, from one book to another, have a great holiday. This is one of my favorites!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Marjorie D.
It's a horrible, frightening situation. They both sound like intelligent women. I hope they gind a weapon or a way out soon. This is clear, smooth, enjoyable writing, Gayle!
The TV screen went bland.(Did you mean blank?)
Marjorie
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
It's a horrible, frightening situation. They both sound like intelligent women. I hope they gind a weapon or a way out soon. This is clear, smooth, enjoyable writing, Gayle!
The TV screen went bland.(Did you mean blank?)
Marjorie
Comment Written 25-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Hey Marjorie,
Y'know, I'm not sure what I meant...you know, it goes all fuzzy..bland. I think of blank as when it's off. Hmmm, I'll have to give that a look over. Blank is better, huh?
Thanks so much for the wonderful comments and I'll probably make that blank.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
The sex drive in males can turn them psychotic, so this is what has happened to Sam. So glad Beth is making escape plans, the two of them together should be able to get out.
Suggestions from our computer:
"Well, this place is so old, (a semicolon) maybe
"If we could figure out a way to get out of here, (there is some grammar rule about no commas before that) that would be the best."
Off for the next instalment.
Love and blessings
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
The sex drive in males can turn them psychotic, so this is what has happened to Sam. So glad Beth is making escape plans, the two of them together should be able to get out.
Suggestions from our computer:
"Well, this place is so old, (a semicolon) maybe
"If we could figure out a way to get out of here, (there is some grammar rule about no commas before that) that would be the best."
Off for the next instalment.
Love and blessings
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Metcha Ladies!
Hey, good catches there. I'll get in there and make fix. Thanks for the eagle eye!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Bryana
Oh wow! I'm glad this is fiction. I saw something on TV about a man who used to keep young girls in his basement for months as sex slaves. He was finally caught and he's now in prison.
Sorry I haven't read all chapters, but now I'm hooked and like to know what's going to happen.
Your story is well written, I found no errors.
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
Oh wow! I'm glad this is fiction. I saw something on TV about a man who used to keep young girls in his basement for months as sex slaves. He was finally caught and he's now in prison.
Sorry I haven't read all chapters, but now I'm hooked and like to know what's going to happen.
Your story is well written, I found no errors.
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Hi Bryana,
So nice to see you again. Yes, crazy as this story sounds things like this happen all the time. I'm so glad you dropped by and hope you get the chance to skim over the earlier chapters. You don't need to leave a review, no bucks left, but it might make the story easier to follow.
Hope to see yo again soon,
Gayle
Comment from TomandOma
eeeugh! The scenes here are truly shocking, but done tastefully, if that isn't a silly remark.. but that's the way it read to me.
The two girls could be traumatized for life, but I'm putting my money on them. They are both smart and courageous; this has been established earlier. I thought it was a smart character establishment, when you had Beth acknowledge to herself that her actions allowed the pervert to snatch her. Excellent straight thinking for a teen who's used to parental protection. Good stuff, sis.
This deserves a six, except for one small nit, for I wanted to read on.
Hugs and love, Spike
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
eeeugh! The scenes here are truly shocking, but done tastefully, if that isn't a silly remark.. but that's the way it read to me.
The two girls could be traumatized for life, but I'm putting my money on them. They are both smart and courageous; this has been established earlier. I thought it was a smart character establishment, when you had Beth acknowledge to herself that her actions allowed the pervert to snatch her. Excellent straight thinking for a teen who's used to parental protection. Good stuff, sis.
This deserves a six, except for one small nit, for I wanted to read on.
Hugs and love, Spike
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 25-May-2008
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Hey Sis,
Thanks so much for the comments. I had someone else say the same thing..that we covered some pretty nasty stuff without getting dirty! Most people can use their imagination to fill in the blanks. I did the same thing in Secret Lives with the porn.
I hope our girls and the younger readers that might happen along, that you have to be alert for strangers. It's a sad statement that this is not all that unusual a case.
Love ya, Sis. Oh, you forgot to tell me the nit! I need to fix that nit!
Hugs
Annabelle
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I was having a lot of computer rebellion, Aol kept losing the connection, and I mu7st have picked up the habit. I'll see if I can find that nit, or I may be expelled as an incompetent reviewer! LOL
Hugs, sis Spike
Comment from Soloneili
Brilliant writing. They say size matters and this is a big story. Powerful, tense, sad and a page turner. Will they escape, or will they pay an even higher price to come for their predicament.
Good stuff.
reply by the author on 24-May-2008
Brilliant writing. They say size matters and this is a big story. Powerful, tense, sad and a page turner. Will they escape, or will they pay an even higher price to come for their predicament.
Good stuff.
Comment Written 24-May-2008
reply by the author on 24-May-2008
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Hey Sol,
Thanks so much for the fine comments. I appreciate your interest and hope to see you again soon,
Gayle