Paranoia
A woman is wary of a stranger on the subway.30 total reviews
Comment from KingFan
Talk about scary. And it sounded so plausible. I feel really bad for Jenna and what a cliffhanger you left us with. I could see this being a much longer and action packed story where Jenna is taken for a thrilling ride for her life.
Oh I thought it was funny how she kept saying Shhh! to the old lady because she was speaking to loudly.
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reply by the author on 06-Aug-2008
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Talk about scary. And it sounded so plausible. I feel really bad for Jenna and what a cliffhanger you left us with. I could see this being a much longer and action packed story where Jenna is taken for a thrilling ride for her life.
Oh I thought it was funny how she kept saying Shhh! to the old lady because she was speaking to loudly.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 06-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 06-Aug-2008
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Thank you. Since you didn't mention anything that needed to be fixed, can I ask why you nicked a star?
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I guess I'm just partial to stories with a little more character / plot development. I realize that probably doesn't sound that fair since it was a flash write but....
Plus, it's ok not to be perfect ;) 4 is still great IMHO
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You're right, it isn't fair. The parameters didn't allow me to go in more depth--I had to stay under 700 words. According to the site guidelines, anything less than 5 stars tells the writer the piece needs work. If you can't give me any specifics regarding what you feel needs work within the parameters of the contest, I think it is unfair to give less than 5. I don't get upset about 4 star reviews that give me things on which I can improve. I am here to learn. If you can't give a fair review, do me the courtesy of staying away from my pieces.
Comment from vertigo50
I enjoyed this composition and read it right through. I think the beginning could be stronger by using dialog to set up the scene.
Try:
"Excuse me," Jenna said, setting down her bags by the empty subway chair.
The man in the one chair looked away, the woman next to him only nodded.
Something like this is showing, rather than telling. More engaging.
I liked your story, though.
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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I enjoyed this composition and read it right through. I think the beginning could be stronger by using dialog to set up the scene.
Try:
"Excuse me," Jenna said, setting down her bags by the empty subway chair.
The man in the one chair looked away, the woman next to him only nodded.
Something like this is showing, rather than telling. More engaging.
I liked your story, though.
Comment Written 03-Aug-2008
reply by the author on 03-Aug-2008
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Thanks for the input. I will take a look at that. I appreciate the great review.
Comment from spoffle
Whoa. That ending was unexpected. You brought up the suspense, brought it down, then suddenly shot the whole piece full of horror! Very good job.
"She shrugged. ?Sure.? Then she went back to her novel."
That's the only part that sounds a bit off. I think it would be better if the then wasn't included, then maybe slightly change the sentence so the repeated "she" doesn't sound so obvious. That's all I could see changing, though.
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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Whoa. That ending was unexpected. You brought up the suspense, brought it down, then suddenly shot the whole piece full of horror! Very good job.
"She shrugged. ?Sure.? Then she went back to her novel."
That's the only part that sounds a bit off. I think it would be better if the then wasn't included, then maybe slightly change the sentence so the repeated "she" doesn't sound so obvious. That's all I could see changing, though.
Comment Written 16-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 16-Jul-2008
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I can see leaving out 'then', but I don't know how I could change it to get rid of the double 'she'. Thanks for the great review.
Comment from ledford
Good job!
I have a few suggestions:
"His eyes met hers steadily." ... I believe the adverb should come before the verb ... "His eyes steadily met hers."
"He was now only two rows away.
?Excuse me,? she" ... line space needed
"Never mind where." ... my dictionary shows it as "nevermind"
"brown eyes and even white teeth." ... kind of awkward ... do you mean straight?
"He didn?t look convinced." Since this is a break in the POV, it should be in a separate paragraph
Wow! What a twist!
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Good job!
I have a few suggestions:
"His eyes met hers steadily." ... I believe the adverb should come before the verb ... "His eyes steadily met hers."
"He was now only two rows away.
?Excuse me,? she" ... line space needed
"Never mind where." ... my dictionary shows it as "nevermind"
"brown eyes and even white teeth." ... kind of awkward ... do you mean straight?
"He didn?t look convinced." Since this is a break in the POV, it should be in a separate paragraph
Wow! What a twist!
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Thanks for the great review and for catching those nits. Glad you liked the twist. I will go and take a look at them. You're a peach!
Comment from Eagle Eye Jerry
Hey redrider6612
I really enjoyed this flash! Near the end, I was going to tell you that it petered out a bit and became predictable, then Bam! that ending was great and I did not expect it. I love that in a story.
This is very well written, building the tension then apparently releasing it, before cranking it up another notch.
Well done and best of luck in the contest.
Eagle Eye
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Hey redrider6612
I really enjoyed this flash! Near the end, I was going to tell you that it petered out a bit and became predictable, then Bam! that ending was great and I did not expect it. I love that in a story.
This is very well written, building the tension then apparently releasing it, before cranking it up another notch.
Well done and best of luck in the contest.
Eagle Eye
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Thanks Jerry. hehe, I actually wrote it the predictable way to begin with, then inspiration struck, thank God! Thenks for the luck too, I'll need it, there are a lot of great entries.
Comment from mgn90210
Wow, that was amazing! You should keep going with that I totally love it! Or write something like that.... but it was great! :)
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Wow, that was amazing! You should keep going with that I totally love it! Or write something like that.... but it was great! :)
Comment Written 15-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 15-Jul-2008
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Thank you, mgn, glad you liked it.
Comment from Korton
Excellent story. The tension builds all the way through, Jenna's reaction may be a little over-cautious, but understandable under the circumstances. Then comes the relief followed by a wicked twist. Very well done.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2008
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Excellent story. The tension builds all the way through, Jenna's reaction may be a little over-cautious, but understandable under the circumstances. Then comes the relief followed by a wicked twist. Very well done.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2008
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Thanks very much, korton. I think I'm getting the hang of writing suspense.
Comment from amadan01
Excellent job. The apprehension builds just right and at a perfect pace. Really good twist at the end. Interesting take on the assumption most people would make that a relative must be safe. Best of luck in the contest.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2008
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Excellent job. The apprehension builds just right and at a perfect pace. Really good twist at the end. Interesting take on the assumption most people would make that a relative must be safe. Best of luck in the contest.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2008
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Thank you very much. I'm so glad you enjoyed it.
Comment from Cairn Destop
Now that is what I call a brazen criminal. Very observant and he works his way close enough that he can strike. Liked how you went for the disarming nephew angle and how it fit the story so well until the gun. Think you have an excellent story for the contest.
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2008
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Now that is what I call a brazen criminal. Very observant and he works his way close enough that he can strike. Liked how you went for the disarming nephew angle and how it fit the story so well until the gun. Think you have an excellent story for the contest.
Comment Written 08-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 08-Jul-2008
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Thank you so much, cd. That means a lot, coming from you.
Comment from BarnCat
Fan-freakin-tastic! You pulled this one off really really well. I sighed a relief, when I heard it was her nephew. Silly me -- worse for her. Great story executed (if you'll pardon the pun) extremely well! DBL
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2008
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Fan-freakin-tastic! You pulled this one off really really well. I sighed a relief, when I heard it was her nephew. Silly me -- worse for her. Great story executed (if you'll pardon the pun) extremely well! DBL
Comment Written 07-Jul-2008
reply by the author on 07-Jul-2008
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Thank so much for the great review and for the 6 star!