Halloween at Club Head
A Halloween Tale28 total reviews
Comment from mojo78
Nice story and a great read, the size of the font and style of writing as made the story easy to read. Nice story of Alice ("I'll take care of this," Nurse Worthily said.
"No, that's fine, I'll do it."
"I said I would do it, and I outrank you. You know that
Not quite sure who is speaking here or who is saying what. I am a little confused until after the nurse as left then I get back on track with the story. Other than that the story is interesting and good.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Nice story and a great read, the size of the font and style of writing as made the story easy to read. Nice story of Alice ("I'll take care of this," Nurse Worthily said.
"No, that's fine, I'll do it."
"I said I would do it, and I outrank you. You know that
Not quite sure who is speaking here or who is saying what. I am a little confused until after the nurse as left then I get back on track with the story. Other than that the story is interesting and good.
Comment Written 02-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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I do like this story. But you're right. I need to make clear who is speaking here. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from DrCarter2001
Hi Alvin, this is a clever story, reminding me a bit of One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest. A good job with the contest prompt as well, and I like the introduction which immediately sets the tone. I have a few suggestions:
"Thought they could make a docile woman out of her. She was so meek, so helpless, so defenseless" --the contradiction here isn't quite clear enough; I think what you mean to say is "What rubbish--she was already so meek and helpless she'd never hurt anyone." Or something to that extent. As written, it makes it seem like they want to make her docile because she's meek, etc...
"How long had I been in here?" -- Internal dialogue should be in present tense.
In the last paragraph, I'd suggest referring to the nurse as either Mary or Nurse Alain, rather than switching back and forth. Calling Nurse Worthily Nurse Bitch is okay because that's the way Chuck views her, but it seems less likely that he would change the way he refers to Mary in his mind.
"Alice, we have the room all set up for you."--it's not clear whether the nurse or doctor is saying this. I'm also a little suspicious that there would only be two nurses on duty in a ward with dangerous patients like Chuck, and that Mary would leave the room unattended...which is implied if Chuck is able to capture Worthily and lead her to the torture room. There should at least be a couple of orderlies who would try to stop him, although you can make it clear that he is in charge because he has a hostage, though he doesn't expect to get free, just get revenge.
Cheers and good luck in the contest!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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Hi Alvin, this is a clever story, reminding me a bit of One Flew Over the Cuckoo Nest. A good job with the contest prompt as well, and I like the introduction which immediately sets the tone. I have a few suggestions:
"Thought they could make a docile woman out of her. She was so meek, so helpless, so defenseless" --the contradiction here isn't quite clear enough; I think what you mean to say is "What rubbish--she was already so meek and helpless she'd never hurt anyone." Or something to that extent. As written, it makes it seem like they want to make her docile because she's meek, etc...
"How long had I been in here?" -- Internal dialogue should be in present tense.
In the last paragraph, I'd suggest referring to the nurse as either Mary or Nurse Alain, rather than switching back and forth. Calling Nurse Worthily Nurse Bitch is okay because that's the way Chuck views her, but it seems less likely that he would change the way he refers to Mary in his mind.
"Alice, we have the room all set up for you."--it's not clear whether the nurse or doctor is saying this. I'm also a little suspicious that there would only be two nurses on duty in a ward with dangerous patients like Chuck, and that Mary would leave the room unattended...which is implied if Chuck is able to capture Worthily and lead her to the torture room. There should at least be a couple of orderlies who would try to stop him, although you can make it clear that he is in charge because he has a hostage, though he doesn't expect to get free, just get revenge.
Cheers and good luck in the contest!
Comment Written 01-Nov-2010
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2012
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You make some very valid points. If and when I do publish this, I shall correct them. Thanks for a good review.
Comment from Zebeljan
great story i hope you win th contest that you have entered it into. i hope you keep writing with as much success good luck!
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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great story i hope you win th contest that you have entered it into. i hope you keep writing with as much success good luck!
Comment Written 31-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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Thank you; you are very kind.
Comment from lola29
This is an excellent Halloween story, and your writing is so fluent and easy to follow. I think Chuck should be working for corporate America--he's very smart. I sure hope Nurse Worthily enjoys her treatment.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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This is an excellent Halloween story, and your writing is so fluent and easy to follow. I think Chuck should be working for corporate America--he's very smart. I sure hope Nurse Worthily enjoys her treatment.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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Somehow I don't think she will. Thanks for a very understanding review.
Comment from Writeaway...
You definatly had me on the edge of my seat there mystery writer, bravo on this piece. I can find nothing to suggest for improvement, good luck in the contest and keep writing!! :)
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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You definatly had me on the edge of my seat there mystery writer, bravo on this piece. I can find nothing to suggest for improvement, good luck in the contest and keep writing!! :)
Comment Written 31-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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Thanks for a good review.
Comment from M.L. Gardner
Giving mental patients halloween costumes. They are scary enough on thier own, without them! Guess the nurse got what she deserved in the end. Very scary thought to have mental patients take over the ward. Good dialog and enjoyable story.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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Giving mental patients halloween costumes. They are scary enough on thier own, without them! Guess the nurse got what she deserved in the end. Very scary thought to have mental patients take over the ward. Good dialog and enjoyable story.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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I thought it would make a nice Haloweeen story. Well, maybe "nice" isn't the word. Thanks for a great review.
Comment from Border Reiver
You've come up with a very original idea for this prompt. I especially like the realistic dialogue. The characters do seem real and their speech matches their personalities. Although I feel there might be a little too much dialogue. I found the story rather heavy going. I had to keep referring back to the opening paragraphs to work out which nurse was which because sometimes they're referred to by their name and other times by their surname. At first I actually though Alain was a man, rather than a woman's surname.
Here's a suggested edit:
Her husband beat the hell out of her, then brought her here to Club Head. [You can either lose the comma in this sentence or add 'and' just after it.]
Sorry to have been a bit harsh about the confusion, just don't forget about the way Chuck speaks. It's fantastic.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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You've come up with a very original idea for this prompt. I especially like the realistic dialogue. The characters do seem real and their speech matches their personalities. Although I feel there might be a little too much dialogue. I found the story rather heavy going. I had to keep referring back to the opening paragraphs to work out which nurse was which because sometimes they're referred to by their name and other times by their surname. At first I actually though Alain was a man, rather than a woman's surname.
Here's a suggested edit:
Her husband beat the hell out of her, then brought her here to Club Head. [You can either lose the comma in this sentence or add 'and' just after it.]
Sorry to have been a bit harsh about the confusion, just don't forget about the way Chuck speaks. It's fantastic.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 31-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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NO, I need to make the speakers cleaer. Thanks for pointing that out and for a good review.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
This gave me a smile and is one of the best Halloween stories I've read. Those Halloween costumes have got to be good for something! You have a good setting and set up the plot nicely.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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This gave me a smile and is one of the best Halloween stories I've read. Those Halloween costumes have got to be good for something! You have a good setting and set up the plot nicely.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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Thanks for the exceptional rating. I am honored.
Comment from Rdfrdmom2
well played, my friend -- what's
good for the goose should be good
for the gander, right? there are
people in every profession that just
don't belong there
thanks for sharing
good luck in the contest
love,
jan
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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well played, my friend -- what's
good for the goose should be good
for the gander, right? there are
people in every profession that just
don't belong there
thanks for sharing
good luck in the contest
love,
jan
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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Thank you for understanding the story so well.
Comment from c_lucas
Shock therapy, lobotomies all the modern therapeutic ways. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Good luck in your contest.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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Shock therapy, lobotomies all the modern therapeutic ways. This is very well written with a smooth flow of words. Good luck in your contest.
Comment Written 30-Oct-2010
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2012
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Thanks for a good review.
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You're welcome, Alvin.