Poems By AnnieDawn
Viewing comments for Chapter 64 "Lost In A Whirlpool Of Emotion"My book of poems and stories
12 total reviews
Comment from SueZen
Well done ! Lovely story full of feeling, beautifully expressed in metaphoric language...snowflakes, cold, crystals of ice, etc...So whole/mature in essence, without pathetic drama ! Really captured me from beginning to end & also liked the 'she' versus 'I'...leaves space open to 'wonder' & imagine ! This is not me being kind haha, no HONEST, truly !
Jooly good first story, so welcome to this Lovely Site & continue writing...you have it in you !!!
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2013
  |
Well done ! Lovely story full of feeling, beautifully expressed in metaphoric language...snowflakes, cold, crystals of ice, etc...So whole/mature in essence, without pathetic drama ! Really captured me from beginning to end & also liked the 'she' versus 'I'...leaves space open to 'wonder' & imagine ! This is not me being kind haha, no HONEST, truly !
Jooly good first story, so welcome to this Lovely Site & continue writing...you have it in you !!!
Comment Written 23-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 23-Sep-2013
-
Thank you so very much for your comments and for reviewing my short story.
Comment from EMB
These reads more like a "slice of life" moment instead of a story that has a beginning, middle, and end. You handled the emotion parts well, which was, basically, characterization.
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
|
These reads more like a "slice of life" moment instead of a story that has a beginning, middle, and end. You handled the emotion parts well, which was, basically, characterization.
Comment Written 22-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 22-Sep-2013
-
Thank you for you review. I appreciate all comments for that is how I learn, thank you again.
Comment from Nichola
Your writing is very poetic. I love the last lines: She would carry hope for a while and then.....well there is always some end to every story whether it reaches fulfillment in fact or remains fiction. Eventually her psyche fractured into crystals of ice and became the swirling, drifting, frozen elements....forever lost in a whirlpool of emotion.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
|
Your writing is very poetic. I love the last lines: She would carry hope for a while and then.....well there is always some end to every story whether it reaches fulfillment in fact or remains fiction. Eventually her psyche fractured into crystals of ice and became the swirling, drifting, frozen elements....forever lost in a whirlpool of emotion.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
-
Thank you for your review. I really appreciate all of your comments.
Comment from jadapenn
I liked this. It has intrigue and plenty of internal conflict as she tries to understand what's going on. I think you did pretty well for a first post. I see Adewpearl has given good advice about the spag.
Well done and keep going. Actually, this story lends itself to a follow-up. We want to know what happens next! :) luv jada
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
|
I liked this. It has intrigue and plenty of internal conflict as she tries to understand what's going on. I think you did pretty well for a first post. I see Adewpearl has given good advice about the spag.
Well done and keep going. Actually, this story lends itself to a follow-up. We want to know what happens next! :) luv jada
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
-
Thanks so much for your review. I appreciate all comments.
Comment from Jackarrie
I enjoyed this story, It holds the reader to the end wanting to know why the boyfriend was cold and stern on the phone.
"Her emotions whirled like the snowflakes tumbling in the dawning breeze. She felt like she was caught in a frozen snowdrift"
I like this line. I believe his could be the beginning of a longer story.
Well done. Mary
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
|
I enjoyed this story, It holds the reader to the end wanting to know why the boyfriend was cold and stern on the phone.
"Her emotions whirled like the snowflakes tumbling in the dawning breeze. She felt like she was caught in a frozen snowdrift"
I like this line. I believe his could be the beginning of a longer story.
Well done. Mary
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
-
Thanks so much for your review. I appreciate all comments.
Comment from Carolyn 'Deaton' Stephens
I would like to say... as kindly as I can... if you had not revealed it... I would not have known it was your first... short story. Bravo, bravo! It has great flow of interest, you had me shivering in the early morning cold, right along with your distraught character. I could feel her doubts and emotional turmoil about the relationship with her lover. Quite frankly, he sounds a bit of a jerk. She deserves better. I loved it, no edits noted. Keep writing, Carolyn
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
|
I would like to say... as kindly as I can... if you had not revealed it... I would not have known it was your first... short story. Bravo, bravo! It has great flow of interest, you had me shivering in the early morning cold, right along with your distraught character. I could feel her doubts and emotional turmoil about the relationship with her lover. Quite frankly, he sounds a bit of a jerk. She deserves better. I loved it, no edits noted. Keep writing, Carolyn
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
-
Thanks so much for your review. I appreciate all comments.
Comment from Jokerswild
I don't think you have any reason to worry about harsh reviews on this one.
Well done. You drew me into this scene almost effortlessly (Though I know that just isn't so). Your ability with description is obvious. I really hope you take this one further. You have my attention at least.
Great Job.
Jackie
Sorry about that first 4 star. I thought I'd hit the 5. This deserves that.
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
|
I don't think you have any reason to worry about harsh reviews on this one.
Well done. You drew me into this scene almost effortlessly (Though I know that just isn't so). Your ability with description is obvious. I really hope you take this one further. You have my attention at least.
Great Job.
Jackie
Sorry about that first 4 star. I thought I'd hit the 5. This deserves that.
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
-
Thanks Jackie. I appreciate all reviews.
Comment from barleygirl
This is an excellent start to a great story & I hope you get your courage going even stronger, so you can expand on this or other stories like it. Many readers like for a story to be "shown" not "told" -- one way to do this is to use dialogue. Whenever I find myself describing a conversation (like the stern cold phone conversation in your story), I try to change it to straight dialogue to SHOW his stern coldness, and also the narrator's hurt or uncertain response to it. Just this one change could make your story more "accessible" -- as we SEE & get to know your characters, not an explanation of your characters. Hope this is helpful & not feeling too critical or overwhelming. Good job! Keep up the good work!
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
|
This is an excellent start to a great story & I hope you get your courage going even stronger, so you can expand on this or other stories like it. Many readers like for a story to be "shown" not "told" -- one way to do this is to use dialogue. Whenever I find myself describing a conversation (like the stern cold phone conversation in your story), I try to change it to straight dialogue to SHOW his stern coldness, and also the narrator's hurt or uncertain response to it. Just this one change could make your story more "accessible" -- as we SEE & get to know your characters, not an explanation of your characters. Hope this is helpful & not feeling too critical or overwhelming. Good job! Keep up the good work!
Comment Written 21-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 21-Sep-2013
-
Thank you for your review and that is what I want. This is the only short story I have written and it did happen to me so is very real in describing the event. I mean to take some of the courses offered and begin to write competently in this area. I appreciate all comments so thanks again. They are helpful.
Comment from robina1978
I think it is a very nice story and did not spot any mistakes. Pity for the female that her lover lost interest. I liked the original end best.
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
|
I think it is a very nice story and did not spot any mistakes. Pity for the female that her lover lost interest. I liked the original end best.
Comment Written 20-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 20-Sep-2013
-
Thank you for your kind review. I really appreciate it.
-
most welcome, Ine
Comment from Cookie333
You have provided the reader just enough to spark curiosity. I could envision this one turning into something longer. Perhaps a bit of her relationship with the 'he' on the phone...and the 'why' he might have been curt...This one could take many directions.
thank you (you done good, hehe)
karen
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
|
You have provided the reader just enough to spark curiosity. I could envision this one turning into something longer. Perhaps a bit of her relationship with the 'he' on the phone...and the 'why' he might have been curt...This one could take many directions.
thank you (you done good, hehe)
karen
Comment Written 19-Sep-2013
reply by the author on 19-Sep-2013
-
Thank you Cookie for your review. I write so much erotica that I really wanted to tone it down. I appreciate the time you took to review my first story.