The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "AWAKENED TO SLEEP"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
31 total reviews
Comment from MoriahSelah
I read the last chapter segment of your most recent installment in book three, and immediately decided i wanted to read this from the beginning. I am looking forward to the rest of the story.
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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I read the last chapter segment of your most recent installment in book three, and immediately decided i wanted to read this from the beginning. I am looking forward to the rest of the story.
Comment Written 30-Jan-2016
reply by the author on 31-Jan-2016
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My goodness, but you are ambitious ... and I am thrilled. Thank you so much, Moriah.
Comment from JTStone
I figured when I came back here to fanstory I would catch up on this story. I'm glad to see that you released it in three parts. I never did know the beginning. I first picked it up when he was just captured and being examined in the palace of the enemy.
I love this early part. I always appreciated the way you wrote this tale from inside the protagonists mind. His thoughts drive the dialog in a most interesting way. You have a very unique style.
I'm looking forward to catching up on your other stories as well.
JT
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2015
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I figured when I came back here to fanstory I would catch up on this story. I'm glad to see that you released it in three parts. I never did know the beginning. I first picked it up when he was just captured and being examined in the palace of the enemy.
I love this early part. I always appreciated the way you wrote this tale from inside the protagonists mind. His thoughts drive the dialog in a most interesting way. You have a very unique style.
I'm looking forward to catching up on your other stories as well.
JT
Comment Written 31-Dec-2015
reply by the author on 31-Dec-2015
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You should definitely see a growth in style since this one you read. I made a lot of mistakes in the early part of the novel. But many good people here kept me moving in the right direction. Once again. Thanks, JT for reading this.
Comment from DebbieAz
Impressive. You have set up a good puzzle and mystery. The narrator is level-headed in the face of utter bafflement. How complete are you with this book? If it is still in edit mode my one suggestion would be you take a look at all the sentences that contain passive words like was, had, were, would've, and think of ways to make them more dynamic. I absolutely love the beach and sea imagery, and am drawn into the mysteries. At this point there is no urgency or immediate goal or point of focus, so kind of like a ship bobbing into harbor getting its bearings. If you wanted to spruce it up, is there anything about what this prophesied one was expected to do that woudl cause the lady to arm herself. Well done.
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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Impressive. You have set up a good puzzle and mystery. The narrator is level-headed in the face of utter bafflement. How complete are you with this book? If it is still in edit mode my one suggestion would be you take a look at all the sentences that contain passive words like was, had, were, would've, and think of ways to make them more dynamic. I absolutely love the beach and sea imagery, and am drawn into the mysteries. At this point there is no urgency or immediate goal or point of focus, so kind of like a ship bobbing into harbor getting its bearings. If you wanted to spruce it up, is there anything about what this prophesied one was expected to do that woudl cause the lady to arm herself. Well done.
Comment Written 04-Mar-2015
reply by the author on 05-Mar-2015
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Debbie, that is some good advice. I try to stay away from the passive voice, but the process itself is "passive". You have to work at it. Thanks for reviewing.
Comment from Dashjianta
Just a quick update now I've read the whole chapter:
The description of the girl-child and the way Doctrex observes her is really good. The way he notices her eyes, and the drape of her clothing, etc builds a really good image.
I also enjoyed the interplay between them when he'd recovered enough to talk. The confusion between them and the way he tries to confuse her with the odd words is very clever.
I found one nit:
She scowled. (")This carroting â?¦ it is slang, isn't it? Kalushe! It's like the cat that gets my tongue."
Hi Jay,
First--I'm writing this in notepad and pasting in so I really hope this review isn't full of funny symbols. If it is I'll PM you a copy.
Second--Noticed you posted a new chapter. Would you prefer I try to review as you post? Just concerned with you being on the third book I'll be that far behind I'll end up asking you lots of questions about what's happened instead of picking up on anything helpful.
Finally--Any suggestions I make are purely my opinion, so take or leave them as you find them, even if I accidently sound like I'm saying 'it must be so'.
And finally finally (thought of this mid review). Do you know about the Scrivener software? If not, I highly recommend giving it a try, it can make editing a lot easier. The snapshot feature (lets you take a snapshot of the scene/chapter before you edit so you can play without worrying about doing damage) is especially useful. I can give you the URL if you're interested.
Okay--onto the review at last:
Overall thoughts:
This is only a partial review at the moment. I'll come back and give my thoughts on the chapter tomorrow, but I'm going to have to stop for the night. (Its after 1am here and I'm flagging.) I'll add a reply so you know when I do.
I've enjoyed what I've read so far. You have a very good way with desriptions; brief but easy to picture so they don't get in the way with the action. The thing on the main character's back has caught my attention and got me wanting to know what it is. The character's tiredness/wariness is also coming over well. I've noted specific examples of how and why in the next section.
Please let me know if I'm going into too much detail with suggestions, or if anything I've suggested doesn't make sense. (I'll probably be briefer in future if I pick up on something I've gone into detail with before. If I do, and the suggestion doesn't make sense just ask me to explain.)
Thoughts and Suggestions:
I opened an eye to the grass-tufted, sandy terrain slanting down to the glare of a scarlet sea. My other eye was scrunched against the ground.
--I really like this opening. The scrunched eye gives a real sense of the situation in very few words.
I ached and felt incredibly weak.
--Being picky: could you describe how he feels weak rather than tell? (yup, being a hypocrit as I was guilty of the same thing in my last chapter). Just picking it up because, with it being in the opening paragraph, it could make an agent/editor question if you tell rather than show. Something like (examples come off the top of my head so may not be that great): I ached and the effort of lifting my head left my head spinning. (yep, bad example with head/head repeat). If you'd rather keep the sentence short, switch out 'incredibly weak' for something stronger: decripit (probably not quite right but you get the idea. I use http://www.thesaurus.com/ when I get stuck for a better word (sorry if I'm stating the obvious, I just find it better to work with than Word's version sometimes.)
I tried to assess things.
--Delete this line. You go on to show him/her assessing but by telling the reader first you weaken the showing. I catch myself doing this a lot, particularly when I'm getting to know the characters, but it is worth avoiding if you can.
I felt suddenly adrift, alone.
--Delete suddenly. (I don't feel inclined to pick on the 'felt' in this sentence. It works here.)
My heart raced at the thought of it.
--Heart raced could be taken as cliche. I don't think using a cliche is always wrong (a cliche becomes a cliche because it works, after all) but with it being in the first para it will get picked up. Try and come up with an alternative if you can. Something that can be a character trait--a facial tick or unconcious habit (Breannain rubbing the scar on his hand when he gets worried, for example)--though in this case a physical reaction will be better than physical action. It's the type of thing that can have you tearing your hair out, but once you've found a characters 'thing's it makes them a lot more believable. (Sorry if I'm stating the obvious. I tend to think out loud when I'm reviewing. Tell me if it gets annoying.)
My focus gathered on something else, something immediate:
--To reduce word count consider: I focused on something else...OR, it might be better to flip the sentence: A soft pressure on my back demanded(drew/caught/snagged/etc) my attention. (although that could be a passive sentence because the subject (my back) comes after the object (the pressure)--I think that's right. I'm not great with the technical side of things (and as with cliches, passive isn't always bad, sometimes its needed to slow the action or relay info quickly)). Then work in the fact its affecting his movement. I think the second option is better because: 1) it makes the sentence more immediate. 2) It varies the start word of the sentence, becasue you've got I/My quite a lot early on.
It was fairly evenly spread from my shoulders to below my hips.
--'fairly evenly' is quite a weak phrase (try to avoid words like fairly/roughly/quite/etc in favour or more specific words (except in dialogue, where usage will depend on the character). Easy fix would be to delete 'was fairly evenly' to make a stronger statment.
I closed my good eye in concentration, straining to hear or feel the movement of breathing against my back.
--Consider deleting 'in concentration' so you have: I closed my good eye and strained to hear or feel the movement of breathing against my back. (I think the concentration is impled by the straining of his other senses). I also think 'the movement of' is making the sentence awkward becasue it jars with 'hear' (though that might just be me). Perhaps simplify a little: strained to sense movement against my back. (hmm...nah. not quite right either)
--Being pedantic: if he doesn't know where he is and how he got there, why is he assuming the thing on his back is alive? Is it pure instinct? The shape of the thing? Some other reason? Can you work this in before he listens for the breathing?
As weak as I was, I felt I had a good chance, given the element of surprise,
--Consider "Weak though I was" to reduce word count (I've also read some editors don't like 'as' starting a sentence so gets rid of that too). Also kill 'felt' here for something stronger. eg: Weak though I was, I hoped/believed/prayed (pick something that fits his character) the element of surprise would give me the advantage. A sudden push and a twist to the side should/would/might (again, pick to suit. The more confident he is, the more positive he'll be) allow me to overpower whatever pinned me to the sand. (I split it into two sentences to cut down on the commas but go with what works for you.)
I'd give it a while, though. Get my bearings.
--I like this. Simple and succinct (excuse the bad spelling. no spellchecker in notepad)--gets his intent and mood across well.
I watched a breeze raise occasional little puffs, as wispy as smoke, from the sandy surface
--Two things:
1) There are a lot of people who recommend avoiding using words like 'watched' (and thought/remembered etc) because its telling. Personally I don't think it's a problem here--his watching at this point is showing he's not got the energy to do more--but its something to watch out for in future. (I have an e-mail explaining it better than I can. I can PM you a copy if you'd like)
2) I really like the description.
It was carried aloft for awhile then fell like mist back to the surface. My mind struggled with the image.
--Can you kill the was? eg: It drifted for awhile... (and, again, like the description. Very easy to picture.)
My mind struggled with the image.
--Consider "I" in place of "my mind". It seems a more natural thing to think.
I'd never seen nor heard anything like it before.
--Do you need 'before'? Technically not becasue of the use of 'never' but I'm not convinced it sounds right without it.
Obviously, the deep redness of the sea was an illusion, some kind of refraction of the sun's rays, bouncing off algae.
--Get rid of 'obviously'--try not to tell the reader when something should be obvious. If you want to show the narrator thinks its obvious, try something like "I pressumed the deep redness..." or "I took the deep redness..." (This sentence also works to convey that the character is educated to some extent without being in the readers face about it, which I like.)
On the sand next to my face, I saw movement:
--Suggest: Something moved (scurried/scuttled/etc) on the sand near/next to my face. Couple of reasons for the change. 1) By stating he saw movment you take the reader a step back from the action. Try to avoid this when you can. 2) Swapping out movement for a more descriptive word adds more life to the image you're building. (Don't overdo this, somethimes things just need to get from A to B without too much detail--I tend to overdo this)
a creature the size of a thumb-knuckle, wobbled up on his two-jointed back legs
--don't think you need the comma. And, being pedantic: how does he know its a he? Would it be more natural to say 'it'?
All better judgment vanished; howling, I pushed up violently from the sand.
--Do you NEED to say 'All better judgment vanished'? Delete it (in a copy), then read the paragraph with and without it and see what you think. (If you delete change 'howling' to 'I howled and...' to avoid openign with a gerund)
--Try and come up with a single, stronger word to replace 'pushed up violently'.
A sudden, excruciating pain attacked my right ribcage, but my terror awakened a power in me that muted the pain.
--I like this, but the length of the sentence slows the pace of the para. Try to kill the 'but' and start a new setence if you can. Something like: A sudden, excruciating pain attacked (not sure attacked is the right word here, but might just be me) my right ribcage. Terror kicked in a split-second (heartbeat/etc) later, muting (numbing?) the pain. (if you can drop 'my' and still have it make sense try to do so.)
Scrambling to my knees, I arched my back, uncoiling unrealized strength in my thighs and hips and launched whatever hugged to my back over my head and shoulders and into a white fabric heap four or five feet away.
--Again, the length of this sentence is slowing the action. Try to chop it up into smaller bits. What about: Fear leant me unrealized strength. I scrambled to my knees, arched my back, and launched the thing hugging my back skywards. It flew over my shoulders and landed in the sand five feet away: a white fabric heap.
I watched the mound curiously, but alert for any untoward lurching up from underneath.
--Is there a word that means 'watched curiously' that you could use here? Also delete 'but' OR change to: I watched the mound, curious but alert for any untoward lurching up from underneath.
--the phrase 'lurching up from underneath' is jarring me out of the story. Might just be because I'm tired though.
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2014
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Just a quick update now I've read the whole chapter:
The description of the girl-child and the way Doctrex observes her is really good. The way he notices her eyes, and the drape of her clothing, etc builds a really good image.
I also enjoyed the interplay between them when he'd recovered enough to talk. The confusion between them and the way he tries to confuse her with the odd words is very clever.
I found one nit:
She scowled. (")This carroting â?¦ it is slang, isn't it? Kalushe! It's like the cat that gets my tongue."
Hi Jay,
First--I'm writing this in notepad and pasting in so I really hope this review isn't full of funny symbols. If it is I'll PM you a copy.
Second--Noticed you posted a new chapter. Would you prefer I try to review as you post? Just concerned with you being on the third book I'll be that far behind I'll end up asking you lots of questions about what's happened instead of picking up on anything helpful.
Finally--Any suggestions I make are purely my opinion, so take or leave them as you find them, even if I accidently sound like I'm saying 'it must be so'.
And finally finally (thought of this mid review). Do you know about the Scrivener software? If not, I highly recommend giving it a try, it can make editing a lot easier. The snapshot feature (lets you take a snapshot of the scene/chapter before you edit so you can play without worrying about doing damage) is especially useful. I can give you the URL if you're interested.
Okay--onto the review at last:
Overall thoughts:
This is only a partial review at the moment. I'll come back and give my thoughts on the chapter tomorrow, but I'm going to have to stop for the night. (Its after 1am here and I'm flagging.) I'll add a reply so you know when I do.
I've enjoyed what I've read so far. You have a very good way with desriptions; brief but easy to picture so they don't get in the way with the action. The thing on the main character's back has caught my attention and got me wanting to know what it is. The character's tiredness/wariness is also coming over well. I've noted specific examples of how and why in the next section.
Please let me know if I'm going into too much detail with suggestions, or if anything I've suggested doesn't make sense. (I'll probably be briefer in future if I pick up on something I've gone into detail with before. If I do, and the suggestion doesn't make sense just ask me to explain.)
Thoughts and Suggestions:
I opened an eye to the grass-tufted, sandy terrain slanting down to the glare of a scarlet sea. My other eye was scrunched against the ground.
--I really like this opening. The scrunched eye gives a real sense of the situation in very few words.
I ached and felt incredibly weak.
--Being picky: could you describe how he feels weak rather than tell? (yup, being a hypocrit as I was guilty of the same thing in my last chapter). Just picking it up because, with it being in the opening paragraph, it could make an agent/editor question if you tell rather than show. Something like (examples come off the top of my head so may not be that great): I ached and the effort of lifting my head left my head spinning. (yep, bad example with head/head repeat). If you'd rather keep the sentence short, switch out 'incredibly weak' for something stronger: decripit (probably not quite right but you get the idea. I use http://www.thesaurus.com/ when I get stuck for a better word (sorry if I'm stating the obvious, I just find it better to work with than Word's version sometimes.)
I tried to assess things.
--Delete this line. You go on to show him/her assessing but by telling the reader first you weaken the showing. I catch myself doing this a lot, particularly when I'm getting to know the characters, but it is worth avoiding if you can.
I felt suddenly adrift, alone.
--Delete suddenly. (I don't feel inclined to pick on the 'felt' in this sentence. It works here.)
My heart raced at the thought of it.
--Heart raced could be taken as cliche. I don't think using a cliche is always wrong (a cliche becomes a cliche because it works, after all) but with it being in the first para it will get picked up. Try and come up with an alternative if you can. Something that can be a character trait--a facial tick or unconcious habit (Breannain rubbing the scar on his hand when he gets worried, for example)--though in this case a physical reaction will be better than physical action. It's the type of thing that can have you tearing your hair out, but once you've found a characters 'thing's it makes them a lot more believable. (Sorry if I'm stating the obvious. I tend to think out loud when I'm reviewing. Tell me if it gets annoying.)
My focus gathered on something else, something immediate:
--To reduce word count consider: I focused on something else...OR, it might be better to flip the sentence: A soft pressure on my back demanded(drew/caught/snagged/etc) my attention. (although that could be a passive sentence because the subject (my back) comes after the object (the pressure)--I think that's right. I'm not great with the technical side of things (and as with cliches, passive isn't always bad, sometimes its needed to slow the action or relay info quickly)). Then work in the fact its affecting his movement. I think the second option is better because: 1) it makes the sentence more immediate. 2) It varies the start word of the sentence, becasue you've got I/My quite a lot early on.
It was fairly evenly spread from my shoulders to below my hips.
--'fairly evenly' is quite a weak phrase (try to avoid words like fairly/roughly/quite/etc in favour or more specific words (except in dialogue, where usage will depend on the character). Easy fix would be to delete 'was fairly evenly' to make a stronger statment.
I closed my good eye in concentration, straining to hear or feel the movement of breathing against my back.
--Consider deleting 'in concentration' so you have: I closed my good eye and strained to hear or feel the movement of breathing against my back. (I think the concentration is impled by the straining of his other senses). I also think 'the movement of' is making the sentence awkward becasue it jars with 'hear' (though that might just be me). Perhaps simplify a little: strained to sense movement against my back. (hmm...nah. not quite right either)
--Being pedantic: if he doesn't know where he is and how he got there, why is he assuming the thing on his back is alive? Is it pure instinct? The shape of the thing? Some other reason? Can you work this in before he listens for the breathing?
As weak as I was, I felt I had a good chance, given the element of surprise,
--Consider "Weak though I was" to reduce word count (I've also read some editors don't like 'as' starting a sentence so gets rid of that too). Also kill 'felt' here for something stronger. eg: Weak though I was, I hoped/believed/prayed (pick something that fits his character) the element of surprise would give me the advantage. A sudden push and a twist to the side should/would/might (again, pick to suit. The more confident he is, the more positive he'll be) allow me to overpower whatever pinned me to the sand. (I split it into two sentences to cut down on the commas but go with what works for you.)
I'd give it a while, though. Get my bearings.
--I like this. Simple and succinct (excuse the bad spelling. no spellchecker in notepad)--gets his intent and mood across well.
I watched a breeze raise occasional little puffs, as wispy as smoke, from the sandy surface
--Two things:
1) There are a lot of people who recommend avoiding using words like 'watched' (and thought/remembered etc) because its telling. Personally I don't think it's a problem here--his watching at this point is showing he's not got the energy to do more--but its something to watch out for in future. (I have an e-mail explaining it better than I can. I can PM you a copy if you'd like)
2) I really like the description.
It was carried aloft for awhile then fell like mist back to the surface. My mind struggled with the image.
--Can you kill the was? eg: It drifted for awhile... (and, again, like the description. Very easy to picture.)
My mind struggled with the image.
--Consider "I" in place of "my mind". It seems a more natural thing to think.
I'd never seen nor heard anything like it before.
--Do you need 'before'? Technically not becasue of the use of 'never' but I'm not convinced it sounds right without it.
Obviously, the deep redness of the sea was an illusion, some kind of refraction of the sun's rays, bouncing off algae.
--Get rid of 'obviously'--try not to tell the reader when something should be obvious. If you want to show the narrator thinks its obvious, try something like "I pressumed the deep redness..." or "I took the deep redness..." (This sentence also works to convey that the character is educated to some extent without being in the readers face about it, which I like.)
On the sand next to my face, I saw movement:
--Suggest: Something moved (scurried/scuttled/etc) on the sand near/next to my face. Couple of reasons for the change. 1) By stating he saw movment you take the reader a step back from the action. Try to avoid this when you can. 2) Swapping out movement for a more descriptive word adds more life to the image you're building. (Don't overdo this, somethimes things just need to get from A to B without too much detail--I tend to overdo this)
a creature the size of a thumb-knuckle, wobbled up on his two-jointed back legs
--don't think you need the comma. And, being pedantic: how does he know its a he? Would it be more natural to say 'it'?
All better judgment vanished; howling, I pushed up violently from the sand.
--Do you NEED to say 'All better judgment vanished'? Delete it (in a copy), then read the paragraph with and without it and see what you think. (If you delete change 'howling' to 'I howled and...' to avoid openign with a gerund)
--Try and come up with a single, stronger word to replace 'pushed up violently'.
A sudden, excruciating pain attacked my right ribcage, but my terror awakened a power in me that muted the pain.
--I like this, but the length of the sentence slows the pace of the para. Try to kill the 'but' and start a new setence if you can. Something like: A sudden, excruciating pain attacked (not sure attacked is the right word here, but might just be me) my right ribcage. Terror kicked in a split-second (heartbeat/etc) later, muting (numbing?) the pain. (if you can drop 'my' and still have it make sense try to do so.)
Scrambling to my knees, I arched my back, uncoiling unrealized strength in my thighs and hips and launched whatever hugged to my back over my head and shoulders and into a white fabric heap four or five feet away.
--Again, the length of this sentence is slowing the action. Try to chop it up into smaller bits. What about: Fear leant me unrealized strength. I scrambled to my knees, arched my back, and launched the thing hugging my back skywards. It flew over my shoulders and landed in the sand five feet away: a white fabric heap.
I watched the mound curiously, but alert for any untoward lurching up from underneath.
--Is there a word that means 'watched curiously' that you could use here? Also delete 'but' OR change to: I watched the mound, curious but alert for any untoward lurching up from underneath.
--the phrase 'lurching up from underneath' is jarring me out of the story. Might just be because I'm tired though.
Comment Written 09-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 09-Nov-2014
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Oh ... My ... God! Alex, you did not have to go to this much detail with your review. I LOVE IT! I am going to paste it to my edit folder and when I go into the rewrite of Book 1, I'll use this for extensive changes. But, Alex, you don't have time to go into such depth. A line-by-line, while deeply appreciated, takes too much of your time.
To be honest with you, I was kinda hoping you'd read my latest post, or my posts as they occur; I didn't think you were going to go to the beginning. Again... thanks.
I have Scrivener. I haven't been using it to its fullest. I have read a couple of books on using it, but I'm so inept when it comes to techie stuff. And, for the last year, I've been editing and posting and keeping edit notes (from reviews) in a folder on word. In other words, no new creative writing.
Alex, I don't expect you to start from Book I, but if you do, why not just give your overall impression of the chapter. I would like your impression of the last two chapters I posted, even though you won't recognize the setting. The main character, Doctrex is (in a manner of speaking) the same as the unnamed man of Book I, Cha. 1.
It just dawned on me, starting chapter two I have a summary of the previous chapter at the beginning. If you simply read the introductions of each chapter, it should give you a good background all the way up to Book III.
Bless you, Alex.
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You're very welcome :)
I can't seem to help doing detailed reviews-it's one of the reasons I don't review that often. Have to sit on my hands to not mention what I notice.
I will go have a read of your latest posts and review them instead then.
What I might also do is read the previous books in my spare time and then pop on every few chapters and try and give a general what I think so far review.
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Your last suggestion sounds marvelous, Alex. But I never wanted you to do anything out of a feeling of obligation. I'm was simply being selfish, and wanted to receive suggestions and advise from one whose work I so admire. I will appreciate anything short of Gertrude Stein's alleged advise to Hemingway on his first knowledge, to go back, start over, and this time concentrate.
Thank you, my dear!
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No, no, no. Not doing it out of obligation. I'd honestly meant to start reading when I finished the Founders but my membership ran out a month sooner than I'd expected.
Comment from DerivedBetter
Okay,
Will done and a good start for me. Now I know what papering is and will probably learn more about that in subsequent chapters. Might i ask do you know who Tarl Cabot is? Thanks for sharing and I'll keep on reading.
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2014
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Okay,
Will done and a good start for me. Now I know what papering is and will probably learn more about that in subsequent chapters. Might i ask do you know who Tarl Cabot is? Thanks for sharing and I'll keep on reading.
Comment Written 30-Aug-2014
reply by the author on 30-Aug-2014
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Oh, my goodness! You went all the way to the beginning! I am so honored. No, I'm not familiar with Tarl Cabot. But the first name sounds like a good one for one of my characters. Thank you SOOOOO much, friend. By the way, I was planning when I finished book II to pull book I. I'm glad you got to it first.
Comment from Aiona
LOL! What a delightful beginning to the story. Dialogue is interesting and reflects characterization. Setting is unique and exotic. Good description of senses. Engaging characters.
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2014
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LOL! What a delightful beginning to the story. Dialogue is interesting and reflects characterization. Setting is unique and exotic. Good description of senses. Engaging characters.
Comment Written 12-Jul-2014
reply by the author on 12-Jul-2014
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Bless you, Aiona! Does this mean you're planning on reading all the chapters for 2 pennies apiece? That's love of the written word. Seriously, thank you so much. You humble me.
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Why, yes! Eventually! I'm behind on my homework though. So once I get caught up, I will definitely try!
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
Interesting start. I feel it needs something else, if it's the start of your story, but I will not say anything now until I have gone through the rest.
Usually, if you wish to attract attention, you need to have something happen in the first 13 lines ...
A rule of thumb that helps me tighten my stories, forcing me to focus.
Here some suggestions>
--Estimating the weight to be about fifty, sixty, maybe seventy-five pounds, it was fairly evenly spread from my shoulders to hips.
I would not put weights here. Enough to say that it was heavy, to heavy to lift, and that it covered the torso. Calculating weight in such a position is not something that's easy and the mind would not go through such a calculation in the state the your character is in.
--I'd give it a few minutes, though. Get my bearings.
I would take this out. Go with the action, with:
--I watched a breeze raise occasional little puffs, as wispy as smoke, ...
--uncoiling unrealized strength ...
the two 'un' words make it a bit awkward. Probably drop the first one in favor of some synonym.
--Unless she ambushed me, injured me so badly that the pain of it blotted out all memory of when I got to this strange place--how I got here.
>>Unless she ambushed me, injured me so badly that the pain of it blotted out all memory of how I got here.<<
Cut out the when I got here ...
--My first memory was opening my eyes, a few minutes ago and seeing the red sea.
You may wish to drop this, too. You started minutes ago, so unless you explain otherwise, this is the timeframe. Also, you choose to keep it, "memory" is too close to the other "memory" from the previous sentence.
--This thing that I had flattened--she wouldn't be the only one here.
>>This thing that I had flattened, she wouldn't be the only one here.<<
The line makes it too strong. Comma is enough.
--There had to be mother and father somewhere. Or a husband. She could be married. Someone--I glanced at her--or something, would be out looking for her.
I would remove this, because you are making your character assume stuff that is obviously based on the reality of where he comes from, not where he's arrived at. Continue with the action, it'll make it go smoother.
--I couldn't imagine a bald female could be attractive, but she brought it off well.
>>I couldn't imagine a bald female could be attractive, but she was.<<
--I had little to fear of this child-creature.
I would remove this, as it makes no sense why he shouldn't fear her in spite of it all. His actions, also, show that he does not fear, but it will leave us wondering: is she dangerous? Should he be more careful?
--... her arms gave way and she fell to her back.
>>her arms gave way and she fell backwards.<<
--"Listen," I shouted to her, pressing harder on my wound.
>>"Listen," I shouted, pressing harder on my wound.<<
Although I would perhaps do this:
>>"I'm not trying to hurt you," I shouted, pressing harder on my wound. "Don't be frightened."
--Surely she could see I was not a threat to her ... or anyone, for that matter!
>>Surely she could see I was not a threat.<<
Not a threat ... includes her and everyone (though nobody is around).
--She stared at me almost quizzically.
>>She stared at me quizzically.<<
Almost is weak and does not fit here.
Awkward paragraph>
--But, she was a threat to me! And, gathering her garment around her, clutching it with one hand at the throat, I knew at that moment, that she zealously accepted the transfer of power. She lowered her large, well-shaped head, and, like a battering ram, aimed it at my midsection as her legs started churning through the sand toward me.
Consider>
>>But, she was a threat to me! Gathering her garment around her, clutching it with one hand at the throat, she lowered her large, well-shaped head, and, like a battering ram, aimed at my midsection as her legs propelled her through the sand toward me.
--Her head didn't have a chance to find its target, though.
>>Her head didn't have a chance to find her target, though.
--Taking in a deep, readying breath, I made an awkward, staggering attempt at planting my feet just before I felt them, and then my consciousness, floating away from me.
>>Felt them? Who or what?
--powers to confound "her people".
>>powers to confound "her people."<<
-- In her mind, I was a superhuman evil entity and it was her responsibility to destroy me.
POV issue here. How can he know what is going on in her mind?
>> To her, I was proabably a superhuman evil entity and it was her responsibility to destroy me. <<
-- She'd been away from them for days, perhaps a week or more, yet no one had come to see if she was alright.
Ditto, POV issue. He can't know this.
--What she meant, quite literally, was "I have the picture in my mind of a cat." And, I was confident that was a slip-up on her part.
Ditto, POV issue
What she probably seemed to mean was "I have the picture in my mind of a cat." And, I was confident that was a slip-up on her part.<<
-- but... but ..." and, I purposely trailed off.
>> but... but ...," and, I purposely trailed off.<<
--I feigned a smile of condescension "Why, i
>>I feigned a smile of condescension. "Why, i...<<
--thought,"No!"
>>thought, "No!"<<
--She scowled. "This carroting ... it is slang, isn't it? Kalushe! It's like the cat that gets my tongue."
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
|
Hi Jay,
Interesting start. I feel it needs something else, if it's the start of your story, but I will not say anything now until I have gone through the rest.
Usually, if you wish to attract attention, you need to have something happen in the first 13 lines ...
A rule of thumb that helps me tighten my stories, forcing me to focus.
Here some suggestions>
--Estimating the weight to be about fifty, sixty, maybe seventy-five pounds, it was fairly evenly spread from my shoulders to hips.
I would not put weights here. Enough to say that it was heavy, to heavy to lift, and that it covered the torso. Calculating weight in such a position is not something that's easy and the mind would not go through such a calculation in the state the your character is in.
--I'd give it a few minutes, though. Get my bearings.
I would take this out. Go with the action, with:
--I watched a breeze raise occasional little puffs, as wispy as smoke, ...
--uncoiling unrealized strength ...
the two 'un' words make it a bit awkward. Probably drop the first one in favor of some synonym.
--Unless she ambushed me, injured me so badly that the pain of it blotted out all memory of when I got to this strange place--how I got here.
>>Unless she ambushed me, injured me so badly that the pain of it blotted out all memory of how I got here.<<
Cut out the when I got here ...
--My first memory was opening my eyes, a few minutes ago and seeing the red sea.
You may wish to drop this, too. You started minutes ago, so unless you explain otherwise, this is the timeframe. Also, you choose to keep it, "memory" is too close to the other "memory" from the previous sentence.
--This thing that I had flattened--she wouldn't be the only one here.
>>This thing that I had flattened, she wouldn't be the only one here.<<
The line makes it too strong. Comma is enough.
--There had to be mother and father somewhere. Or a husband. She could be married. Someone--I glanced at her--or something, would be out looking for her.
I would remove this, because you are making your character assume stuff that is obviously based on the reality of where he comes from, not where he's arrived at. Continue with the action, it'll make it go smoother.
--I couldn't imagine a bald female could be attractive, but she brought it off well.
>>I couldn't imagine a bald female could be attractive, but she was.<<
--I had little to fear of this child-creature.
I would remove this, as it makes no sense why he shouldn't fear her in spite of it all. His actions, also, show that he does not fear, but it will leave us wondering: is she dangerous? Should he be more careful?
--... her arms gave way and she fell to her back.
>>her arms gave way and she fell backwards.<<
--"Listen," I shouted to her, pressing harder on my wound.
>>"Listen," I shouted, pressing harder on my wound.<<
Although I would perhaps do this:
>>"I'm not trying to hurt you," I shouted, pressing harder on my wound. "Don't be frightened."
--Surely she could see I was not a threat to her ... or anyone, for that matter!
>>Surely she could see I was not a threat.<<
Not a threat ... includes her and everyone (though nobody is around).
--She stared at me almost quizzically.
>>She stared at me quizzically.<<
Almost is weak and does not fit here.
Awkward paragraph>
--But, she was a threat to me! And, gathering her garment around her, clutching it with one hand at the throat, I knew at that moment, that she zealously accepted the transfer of power. She lowered her large, well-shaped head, and, like a battering ram, aimed it at my midsection as her legs started churning through the sand toward me.
Consider>
>>But, she was a threat to me! Gathering her garment around her, clutching it with one hand at the throat, she lowered her large, well-shaped head, and, like a battering ram, aimed at my midsection as her legs propelled her through the sand toward me.
--Her head didn't have a chance to find its target, though.
>>Her head didn't have a chance to find her target, though.
--Taking in a deep, readying breath, I made an awkward, staggering attempt at planting my feet just before I felt them, and then my consciousness, floating away from me.
>>Felt them? Who or what?
--powers to confound "her people".
>>powers to confound "her people."<<
-- In her mind, I was a superhuman evil entity and it was her responsibility to destroy me.
POV issue here. How can he know what is going on in her mind?
>> To her, I was proabably a superhuman evil entity and it was her responsibility to destroy me. <<
-- She'd been away from them for days, perhaps a week or more, yet no one had come to see if she was alright.
Ditto, POV issue. He can't know this.
--What she meant, quite literally, was "I have the picture in my mind of a cat." And, I was confident that was a slip-up on her part.
Ditto, POV issue
What she probably seemed to mean was "I have the picture in my mind of a cat." And, I was confident that was a slip-up on her part.<<
-- but... but ..." and, I purposely trailed off.
>> but... but ...," and, I purposely trailed off.<<
--I feigned a smile of condescension "Why, i
>>I feigned a smile of condescension. "Why, i...<<
--thought,"No!"
>>thought, "No!"<<
--She scowled. "This carroting ... it is slang, isn't it? Kalushe! It's like the cat that gets my tongue."
Comment Written 05-May-2014
reply by the author on 05-May-2014
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I already sent a grateful thank you for this, pushed "send" and it vanished. I pasted your suggestions into cha. 1's folder and will go over it as part of the overall editing process. Thanks again, my friend.
Comment from Tina Concetta
Great first chapter. I love your writing style, very descriptive. I can imagine every single thing that's going on. Great imagery when you are illustrating the girl on the beach who's kicking the poop out of him... as well as the land/seascape around him. I was wondering how she was able to understand what he says if he's foreign and you addressed that right after the though hit my brain! Good timing. The chapter read really well and I'm interested... going on to the next one ASAP.
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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Great first chapter. I love your writing style, very descriptive. I can imagine every single thing that's going on. Great imagery when you are illustrating the girl on the beach who's kicking the poop out of him... as well as the land/seascape around him. I was wondering how she was able to understand what he says if he's foreign and you addressed that right after the though hit my brain! Good timing. The chapter read really well and I'm interested... going on to the next one ASAP.
Comment Written 01-May-2014
reply by the author on 01-May-2014
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So glad to have you aboard, Tina. I'm so glad this story is a fit with you. Hope you'll enjoy the rest of them.
Comment from krprice
Try to avoid using felt, heard, saw, smelled.
first paragraph: show felt incredibly weak.
On the ground. . . phrases or clauses in a series should have a comma before the and.
All better judgment vanished. Howling, I. . .
I got up. . . I rose. . .
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
The thing.. . I swept my gaze.. . swelled, dipped, and then. . .
The pungency. . . wood forced me to open. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Try to avoid using felt, heard, saw, smelled.
first paragraph: show felt incredibly weak.
On the ground. . . phrases or clauses in a series should have a comma before the and.
All better judgment vanished. Howling, I. . .
I got up. . . I rose. . .
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
The thing.. . I swept my gaze.. . swelled, dipped, and then. . .
The pungency. . . wood forced me to open. . .
Good chapter.
Karlene
Comment Written 22-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 22-Apr-2014
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Once more, thanks for stopping by and visiting with your ideas and sharp eye. Will check it out.
Comment from RayofLight7
Excellent work, really. I just had one little suggestion. I wasn't too comfortable with the image of "ricocheting" irises. It seemed a little humorous, and I don't think that was your intent. You could develop that further, if it fits your character to default to humor in a tight squeeze.
I've been reading a lot of Jim Butcher's work lately, so that might be influencing my perspective.
I love the vivid imagery, the visceral description of the character's internal workings. It really connected me to the story and this man. I'm hooked!
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Excellent work, really. I just had one little suggestion. I wasn't too comfortable with the image of "ricocheting" irises. It seemed a little humorous, and I don't think that was your intent. You could develop that further, if it fits your character to default to humor in a tight squeeze.
I've been reading a lot of Jim Butcher's work lately, so that might be influencing my perspective.
I love the vivid imagery, the visceral description of the character's internal workings. It really connected me to the story and this man. I'm hooked!
Comment Written 20-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 20-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Ray (if that's your given name). Actually, I'll take a good look at that. It is continued on in the third chapter when she's again unconscious. It's not intended as humor, but is to set her apart from earthly humans. I'll look at it closely. Thank you for pointing it out to me. I have a hunch you'll enjoy the succeeding chapters.