The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "THE POMNOTS"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
31 total reviews
Comment from Dashjianta
Evening Jay.
I've been doing some catching up today, and just wanted to double check I'm following this right (enjoying a lovely headache so brain's not working as well as it could).
In the beginning there was the darkness, which was intent on destroying itself. Presumably it had a way to renew or it would've wiped itself out, and as part of the renewal the lights appeared and came together, etc.
Then the Bining happened, and those with faith survived on one plane, whilst the rest became the dark forces on the other. Part of that force is the Pomnots, who can't procreate because they're all male.
So...because the lights that became the Encloy can procreate and be female, I presume the miracle that created the lights, also caused the change that allowed both genders and procreation? Because they were, at one point, all part of the same species?
If its all revealed later just say I'll find out.
And re: the author's not in previous chapter. Don't worry about stopping the action to work in details as long as they're needed details. If there are no pauses for breath and its all action it can become too hectic. Putting the conversation where you have makes sense, and you've still got some action in with the Pomnot trying to break through the skin so it keeps it from dragging.
One thing to watch for is over-repeating information during conversations. You have Axtilla remind Doctrex part of what she in the chapter previous to this in the chapter after this one. Reading it through in one go earlier I worried it was too repetitive, BUT reading it again now I'm disagreeing with myself. That's not very helpful, but something to be aware of.
Apart from that, I've enjoyed the read so far--getting a better idea of what's going on, and there's a nice balance between the action and dialogue.
And no--I'm not taking time away from doing my own work, so no feeling guilty I've done another long review. I've tried several times to write today and managed a measly 250 words, its just not happening, so thought I'd do something else productive and (hopefully) useful instead.
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Evening Jay.
I've been doing some catching up today, and just wanted to double check I'm following this right (enjoying a lovely headache so brain's not working as well as it could).
In the beginning there was the darkness, which was intent on destroying itself. Presumably it had a way to renew or it would've wiped itself out, and as part of the renewal the lights appeared and came together, etc.
Then the Bining happened, and those with faith survived on one plane, whilst the rest became the dark forces on the other. Part of that force is the Pomnots, who can't procreate because they're all male.
So...because the lights that became the Encloy can procreate and be female, I presume the miracle that created the lights, also caused the change that allowed both genders and procreation? Because they were, at one point, all part of the same species?
If its all revealed later just say I'll find out.
And re: the author's not in previous chapter. Don't worry about stopping the action to work in details as long as they're needed details. If there are no pauses for breath and its all action it can become too hectic. Putting the conversation where you have makes sense, and you've still got some action in with the Pomnot trying to break through the skin so it keeps it from dragging.
One thing to watch for is over-repeating information during conversations. You have Axtilla remind Doctrex part of what she in the chapter previous to this in the chapter after this one. Reading it through in one go earlier I worried it was too repetitive, BUT reading it again now I'm disagreeing with myself. That's not very helpful, but something to be aware of.
Apart from that, I've enjoyed the read so far--getting a better idea of what's going on, and there's a nice balance between the action and dialogue.
And no--I'm not taking time away from doing my own work, so no feeling guilty I've done another long review. I've tried several times to write today and managed a measly 250 words, its just not happening, so thought I'd do something else productive and (hopefully) useful instead.
Comment Written 26-Nov-2014
reply by the author on 26-Nov-2014
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Hey, Alex... I'm glad you're reading the earlier chapters, at least enough of them to give you a feel for why Doctrex is who he is. The Pomnots ... Now, that's a dilemma. You may find it hard to believe (then again, the more you get to know me, the less hard you'll find to believe) but I have no idea why I made all the Pomnots male. I must have had some hokey idea at the time that made sense, but it's lost to me now. Isn't that odd? Obviously, a good editor would jump on that in an instant if it wasn't at some point resolved ... but I was just flying by the seat of my pants when I wrote it. Maybe some urging from the subconscious guided me. Who knows?
Your explanation, as soon as I figure it out, sounds like one I could adopt as my own. You have a weirdly brilliant mind, Alex, to come up with a rationale when the author hadn't a clue.
I am just so tickled, though, that you're getting into the early history of Doctrex.
-
Not mad at all. I do it all the time. The fun part comes when you figure out why you added a particular detail, write it in half a book (or series) later and everyone thinks you're clever for planning so far in advance.
Comment from krprice
"The tablets. . . They are. . . bining Is this a made up word or is there a typo in it?
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Leaping to my. . . Standing there. . . delete that was.
Good chapter.
Karlene
PS. I'm going to start posting the sequel, Photo Shoot, to my published murder mystery on fanstory tomorrow. If you like mystery, give it a read.
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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"The tablets. . . They are. . . bining Is this a made up word or is there a typo in it?
Delete unnecessary 'that's.
Leaping to my. . . Standing there. . . delete that was.
Good chapter.
Karlene
PS. I'm going to start posting the sequel, Photo Shoot, to my published murder mystery on fanstory tomorrow. If you like mystery, give it a read.
Comment Written 03-May-2014
reply by the author on 03-May-2014
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Thanks, Karlene, for reading this chapter. Again with the "thats". Gotta get a handle on ... that. I don't know ... you wrote: "'The tablets. . . They are. . . bining' Is this a made up word or is there a typo in it?'" I don't know which word you are referring to. bining? Nope, not a typo (except it should be capitalized.) By the way, do you have a source I can study on the problem with "thats"?
I'd love to start reading your "Photo Shoot" sequel. Don't think I'll even be on FS tomorrow, but I'll pick it up on Monday.
Jay
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I read you explanation at the bottom of the chapter. That explains the bining.
And no, I don't have anything you can study.
Karlene
Comment from Glasstruth
Haven't been following this, but what I've read is truly a wild chapter with great imagery, ans with an awesome twist for an ending to this. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing. Les
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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Haven't been following this, but what I've read is truly a wild chapter with great imagery, ans with an awesome twist for an ending to this. Very interesting. Thanks for sharing. Les
Comment Written 26-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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Thanks, Les. I hope this won't be the last you read. The next chapter has probably the biggest twist to date.
Comment from Green Lake Girl
This is certainly a wild tale, Jay. I had to read this chapter twice, also. I didn't understand the concept of "the membrane". I do now . . . I think.
You are a very good writer. I love your use of humor. You also do a good job of developing the relationship between these two people. I like the sprinkling of Doctrex's inner thoughts.
Was the "victim" an animal or human?
"bear-sized former owner's carcass lying grotesquely on its side with gaping chest cavity."
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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This is certainly a wild tale, Jay. I had to read this chapter twice, also. I didn't understand the concept of "the membrane". I do now . . . I think.
You are a very good writer. I love your use of humor. You also do a good job of developing the relationship between these two people. I like the sprinkling of Doctrex's inner thoughts.
Was the "victim" an animal or human?
"bear-sized former owner's carcass lying grotesquely on its side with gaping chest cavity."
Comment Written 26-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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Thanks for your kind comments about The Promnots. I'm happy you're liking it. The "victim" was an animal carcass. It was a prop, mainly to show the beastiality of the Pomnots. Thanks again.
Comment from Chrisfiore
Greetings Jay Squires,
You have been posting faster than I have been able to keep up! It has been 3 chapters since I offered to comment and so I had the pleasure of reading all three together. I could see your concern over chapter 5 feeling too talky and not enough action might persuade your readers to desist, but reading all three in succession it didn't seem over drawn.
It is quite the other world that you have created. It is an interesting concept, consciousness passing from one life to the next in the fashion you described. So is this an alternate Earth, I'm wondering? Also, Doctrex seems to be falling for Axtilla, but I'm wondering about their physical compatibility. He seems to be humanoid but if I recall your description of her, she was partially but also had alien qualities. Is he not aware that perhaps his physical make-up has been altered? Looking forward to reading more. ;) Chrisfiore
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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Greetings Jay Squires,
You have been posting faster than I have been able to keep up! It has been 3 chapters since I offered to comment and so I had the pleasure of reading all three together. I could see your concern over chapter 5 feeling too talky and not enough action might persuade your readers to desist, but reading all three in succession it didn't seem over drawn.
It is quite the other world that you have created. It is an interesting concept, consciousness passing from one life to the next in the fashion you described. So is this an alternate Earth, I'm wondering? Also, Doctrex seems to be falling for Axtilla, but I'm wondering about their physical compatibility. He seems to be humanoid but if I recall your description of her, she was partially but also had alien qualities. Is he not aware that perhaps his physical make-up has been altered? Looking forward to reading more. ;) Chrisfiore
Comment Written 26-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 26-Apr-2014
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You're bringing ups some interesting things, Chris. This was such an intuitive write, almost like it was being dicatated to me, so I didn't sit down and address their physical compatibility logically. If their compatability is ever brought to the test (and only I know that) that bridge will have to be crossed after it's approached. (Only a writer would convolute a sentence like my last, in order to commit the sin of the cliche.)
Comment from Demas2012
This is so good. I went back and read all the other chapters so I knew what was going on. I haven't read a fantasy story in quite a while, but the mixture of modern elements from the protagonist really makes this a worthwhile read.
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2014
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This is so good. I went back and read all the other chapters so I knew what was going on. I haven't read a fantasy story in quite a while, but the mixture of modern elements from the protagonist really makes this a worthwhile read.
Comment Written 25-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2014
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I'm really impressed, and thank you very much, for reading the chapters leading to this one. I'm glad you found it worthwhile reading. The next few chapters I promise will hold you riveted.
Comment from Auroraboreal800
This is a very unique and interesting story. I like the unusual imagery, "when we encounter the dark force..." Please let me know what "The Pomnots" means. Waiting for what happens next
Great job Jay! :)
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2014
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This is a very unique and interesting story. I like the unusual imagery, "when we encounter the dark force..." Please let me know what "The Pomnots" means. Waiting for what happens next
Great job Jay! :)
Comment Written 25-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 25-Apr-2014
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Pom = Dark; Not = Force -> "Dark Force" Thank you for reading this chapter. You read the one before this, I believe.
Comment from Giddy Nielsen-Sweep
I'm finding understanding this on each of its 'planes' is quite a challenge for me. Getting a mind picture of something so extraordinary is an effort, but I feel it is very skilfully written all the same, the characters are believable and even likeable and there's quite a deal of drama which all make for a very readable story, Giddy
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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I'm finding understanding this on each of its 'planes' is quite a challenge for me. Getting a mind picture of something so extraordinary is an effort, but I feel it is very skilfully written all the same, the characters are believable and even likeable and there's quite a deal of drama which all make for a very readable story, Giddy
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Well, thank you, Giddy. I've got a few surprises up my sleeve for the next chapter. I hope you drop by for it! I appreciate your close read of my story.
Comment from Leonardo Wild
Hi Jay,
Good beginning and excellent ending, with the twist of the unexpected. Go to the other side? Now, that's serious. Good cliffhanger.
I understand that a lot of this dialogue brings out the setting. It's good that you split it with actions. However, his behaving like a gorilla, as an experiment, came on as a bit contrived. Perhaps you need to explain that he will do an experiment before he goes ahead with it, rather than after. In this way, it is clear that he is experimenting, and perhaps that does not need to be explained later. He can simply reply, to a question of hers:
"I needed to know."
Here some suggestions:
First of all, from the beginning, something that may make this issue with the breath ... (to breathe some space into it, as it were) more interesting.
--My breath immediately left me.
"Oh, my God!" I whispered when I got my breath back.
I would edit it like this:
>>
My breath immediately left me. I studied a thin, diaphanous membrane stretching out over us all the way to the mountain and off to the left of it as far as I could see.
"Oh, my God!" I whispered when I got my breath back.
"We must take it all in, Doctrex," she said, her breathing shallow and rapid. "Our lives depend on--on remembering the lessons from all we see."
On the other side of this membrane, where a sulfurous yellow fog ...
<<
I would cut that sentence I inserted from the paragraph you put it in. In this way you create a gap between the lost breath, and the exclamation where he gets it back.
--...ripping into the heart, pulling away dripping shreds.
Shreds don't drip.
Shreds dripping blood.
... or simply "pulling away shreds."
--The blood, dribbling down from the flesh, ...
Dribbling, I thought, was something that happens with spit, dribbling from someone's lips or chin. Find another word other than dribbling. Oozing, seeping.
By the way, you have used the word "dripped" "dripping" on various occasions in this part.
--"Who are they though?"
>>"Who are they, though?"<<
-- ... members of the Dark Force that were ...
... as you know it, among those of the dark force. ...
Choose Dark Force or dark force. Keep it consistent.
-- violence on that plane there was no sound at all? It was completely blocked from our plane."
I'm wondering if the word "plane" is the correct one for this. Maybe "realm"? Or something along those lines. I know, it comes from "plane of existence," but perhaps you can find something that describes the mystical aspects better. Just a thought.
--There were some inconsistencies that needed to be addressed: just as soon as I could tie them together.
I might drop the part after addressed:
>>There were some inconsistencies that needed to be addressed. Something with the soundlessness. Soundlessness ... Sure!<<
--
Category: Fantasy Fiction
Posted: April 22, 2014 Views: 86
Chapters:
1 2 3 4 5 6
Chapter 6 of the book The Trining
AND WHAT'S BEHIND WINDOW NUMBER ...
"THE POMNOTS" by Jay Squires
My apology to those who haven't read chapter five of The Trining for this necessarily l-o-n-g summary. Please do take the time to read it. Then you can romp merrily through Chapter Six ....
Doctrex possesses an uneasy ownership of his new body. If Axtilla's words are true, he had killed himself and immediately his consciousness entered a new body on this plane.
The Kojutake light show begins with a long arm of swirling colors that comes toward them and then retreats. The light show intensifies. Whenever there is a lull, Axtilla gives him a history of her people beginning when there was only darkness (the dark force). Then a dot of light appears. She later describes the dot as Kyre, the author of the Tablets of Kyre that her people live by. Other dots of light appeared, representing science and mathematics and history. The sources of light had to hide themselves from the darkness (which felt threatened by them). They formed the Encloy. At its peak there were 50,000 members and supporters of the Encloy. A signal event called the Bining occurred five generations ago, when over thirty days of darkness all the members of darkness, as well as those who didn't have the faith to totally commit to the forces of light, were swept up into the Kojutake.
The history lesson is interrupted by a horrendous roaring and rumbling of the earth that knocks them over, then retreats. As they are recovering and he is attending to her, she points above and behind him, terrified, crying, "Kojutake!"
Chapter Six
I edged in beside her at the log and, dreading what she was urging me to look at, I slowly brought my eyes around to the left and up. My breath immediately left me.
"Oh, my God!" I whispered when I got my breath back.
"We must take it all in, Doctrex," she said, her breathing shallow and rapid. "Our lives depend on--on remembering the lessons from all we see."
I studied the thin, diaphanous membrane stretched out over us all the way to the mountain and off to the left of it as far as I could see. On the other side of this membrane, where a sulfurous yellow fog drifted and swirled about, an enormous reddish-brown object throbbed against the membrane. The fog first enveloped it, and then released it. A flurry of blurred movement lunged toward this--this--it was a heart! In a fogless moment, I saw the bear-sized former owner's carcass lying grotesquely on its side with gaping chest cavity. Whatever the attacking beasts were, they were first swallowed up by the fog and then disgorged from it. There had to be at least ten of them. And the fury of their mission was carried out in a soundless pantomime. They made another series of lunges, ripping into the heart, pulling away dripping shreds. The blood, dribbling down from the flesh, made tiny holes in the membrane and, continuing through, fell like scarlet rain to the ground where spumes of steam sizzled at their points of contact. I watched as the membrane instantly healed itself where the blood dripped through.
"How can I not take it all in, Axtilla?" I asked her, keeping my voice down. "Who are those--those--"
She held up a hand and we watched as one of them scooped up the last of the gelatinous heart and another the rear leg of the carcass and lumbered into the yellow fog, the rest following. "We have some time while they are feeding. It's the Pomnot's highest aspiration, filling his belly. Another fact to tuck away."
"That's their name, Pomnot?"
"Pom, dark; not, force."
"Who are they though?"
"The tablets tell us they are the advance guard, the disposables. They are the members of the Dark Force that were swept up during the bining to do the bidding of Kojutake."
"Wait! You said that was five generations ago. These wouldn't be the original--"
"It can be dangerous for you to compare everything that you see here with your former home as a frame of reference. There were no female Pomnots. Generation is in measurement of time only. Here there is no procreation, as you know it, among those of the dark force. There were no female Pomnots!" she repeated emphatically.
"Well, that can't be!"
"But it can. It is as I say. You see how violent they are when they feed? They live off the wild beasts on their plane. And when the animal life isn't available, they kill and eat each other. You must watch them without judgment or criticism, watch and learn from them. They will be our first encounter."
"Do they know we're here? I mean now? Can they see us?"
"Of course they can."
"What's stopping them from tearing through that membrane and coming after us?"
"That's the first productive question you've asked. You saw what happened when the blood dripped through the skin ...."
"Skin?"
"That's what it is. It's alive. It separates organisms. It heals itself."
"Okay. Which is what it did when the blood dripped through."
"The healing is rapid. It has to be, to keep the organisms from destroying each other."
"So it keeps the dark forces from invading you and your people."
"But, it doesn't judge; it's not moral. It just exists. It is. The skin is incredibly strong and dense, while at the same time flexible. Did you find it strange that with all the violence on that plane there was no sound at all? It was completely blocked from our plane."
I nodded but my mind was elsewhere. Something just didn't fit. There were some inconsistencies that needed to be addressed: just as soon as I could tie them together. Something with the soundlessness. Soundlessness ... Sure!
"Axtilla," I said, gathering my thoughts. "Earlier, when I mentioned the aurora borealis--remember?"
She cocked her head. "When Kojutake first appeared from behind the mountain?"
"And, even before when we could see the glow around the mountain."
"Okay." She had a puzzling smile on her lips.
"It wasn't just the light show. There were loud, rumbling sounds along with it. How could the sound penetrate the skin, then, but not now?"
"Exactly," she said, getting excited. "Now we're on a constructive course. We need to keep exploring questions like this. Later, when we encounter the dark force, we mustn't let emotion rule our reason."
"So explain."
You might consider instead: >>"I'm not quite following."<<
-- ... having fun with it. Or, with my lack of understanding of it!
>> ... having fun with me. Or, with my lack of understanding of it!<<
--wondering about these two strange people, leaning against a log.
>>wondering about these two strange beings, leaning against a log.<<
People is a human concept. Beings encompasses much more without being specific.
--All this happened so unexpectedly that laughter bubbled out ...
>>All this happened so unexpectedly, that laughter bubbled out ...<<
--... something through her laughter, but the words weren't cooperating.
>>something through her laughter, but the words weren't coming out.<<
The word "cooperation" means something else. Too stretchy a metaphor.
--I smiled and waited. When her words didn't come I started mine. "In the name of science, my dear Axtilla,...
>> smiled and waited, then said, "In the name of science, my dear Axtilla, ...<<
--urged me to put my hand on her, to touch her The reaction was electric,
>>urged me to put my hand on her, to touch her. The reaction was electric,<<
Missing period.
-- "I'm sorry, she said, and then her mouth spread into a grin." But, but, you should have ..."
>> "I'm sorry," she said, and then her mouth spread into a grin. "But, but, you should have ..."
--"But, but, you should have ..." She started again and recovered. "...should have seen your face!"
>>But, but, you should have ..."--she started again and recovered--"...should have seen your face!"<<
--She nearly fell back into her mirth, but stopped short, "where was your theory-testing then?"
>>She nearly fell back into her mirth, but stopped short, "Where was your theory-testing then?"<<
--"But, you know what was funny, what really kept me going?"
I told her I didn't.
"It was first watching the ..
Why not simply:
>>"But, you know what was funny, what really kept me going?"
"No."
"It was first watching the ..<<
--I needed to go slowly. Slowly.
It is a thought, so it's direct, as he is telling that to himself:
>>I need to go slowly. Slowly.<<
--"The gift? Did you say gift?"
I think you have an extra space in there:
>>"The gift? Did you say gift?"<<
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Hi Jay,
Good beginning and excellent ending, with the twist of the unexpected. Go to the other side? Now, that's serious. Good cliffhanger.
I understand that a lot of this dialogue brings out the setting. It's good that you split it with actions. However, his behaving like a gorilla, as an experiment, came on as a bit contrived. Perhaps you need to explain that he will do an experiment before he goes ahead with it, rather than after. In this way, it is clear that he is experimenting, and perhaps that does not need to be explained later. He can simply reply, to a question of hers:
"I needed to know."
Here some suggestions:
First of all, from the beginning, something that may make this issue with the breath ... (to breathe some space into it, as it were) more interesting.
--My breath immediately left me.
"Oh, my God!" I whispered when I got my breath back.
I would edit it like this:
>>
My breath immediately left me. I studied a thin, diaphanous membrane stretching out over us all the way to the mountain and off to the left of it as far as I could see.
"Oh, my God!" I whispered when I got my breath back.
"We must take it all in, Doctrex," she said, her breathing shallow and rapid. "Our lives depend on--on remembering the lessons from all we see."
On the other side of this membrane, where a sulfurous yellow fog ...
<<
I would cut that sentence I inserted from the paragraph you put it in. In this way you create a gap between the lost breath, and the exclamation where he gets it back.
--...ripping into the heart, pulling away dripping shreds.
Shreds don't drip.
Shreds dripping blood.
... or simply "pulling away shreds."
--The blood, dribbling down from the flesh, ...
Dribbling, I thought, was something that happens with spit, dribbling from someone's lips or chin. Find another word other than dribbling. Oozing, seeping.
By the way, you have used the word "dripped" "dripping" on various occasions in this part.
--"Who are they though?"
>>"Who are they, though?"<<
-- ... members of the Dark Force that were ...
... as you know it, among those of the dark force. ...
Choose Dark Force or dark force. Keep it consistent.
-- violence on that plane there was no sound at all? It was completely blocked from our plane."
I'm wondering if the word "plane" is the correct one for this. Maybe "realm"? Or something along those lines. I know, it comes from "plane of existence," but perhaps you can find something that describes the mystical aspects better. Just a thought.
--There were some inconsistencies that needed to be addressed: just as soon as I could tie them together.
I might drop the part after addressed:
>>There were some inconsistencies that needed to be addressed. Something with the soundlessness. Soundlessness ... Sure!<<
--
Category: Fantasy Fiction
Posted: April 22, 2014 Views: 86
Chapters:
1 2 3 4 5 6
Chapter 6 of the book The Trining
AND WHAT'S BEHIND WINDOW NUMBER ...
"THE POMNOTS" by Jay Squires
My apology to those who haven't read chapter five of The Trining for this necessarily l-o-n-g summary. Please do take the time to read it. Then you can romp merrily through Chapter Six ....
Doctrex possesses an uneasy ownership of his new body. If Axtilla's words are true, he had killed himself and immediately his consciousness entered a new body on this plane.
The Kojutake light show begins with a long arm of swirling colors that comes toward them and then retreats. The light show intensifies. Whenever there is a lull, Axtilla gives him a history of her people beginning when there was only darkness (the dark force). Then a dot of light appears. She later describes the dot as Kyre, the author of the Tablets of Kyre that her people live by. Other dots of light appeared, representing science and mathematics and history. The sources of light had to hide themselves from the darkness (which felt threatened by them). They formed the Encloy. At its peak there were 50,000 members and supporters of the Encloy. A signal event called the Bining occurred five generations ago, when over thirty days of darkness all the members of darkness, as well as those who didn't have the faith to totally commit to the forces of light, were swept up into the Kojutake.
The history lesson is interrupted by a horrendous roaring and rumbling of the earth that knocks them over, then retreats. As they are recovering and he is attending to her, she points above and behind him, terrified, crying, "Kojutake!"
Chapter Six
I edged in beside her at the log and, dreading what she was urging me to look at, I slowly brought my eyes around to the left and up. My breath immediately left me.
"Oh, my God!" I whispered when I got my breath back.
"We must take it all in, Doctrex," she said, her breathing shallow and rapid. "Our lives depend on--on remembering the lessons from all we see."
I studied the thin, diaphanous membrane stretched out over us all the way to the mountain and off to the left of it as far as I could see. On the other side of this membrane, where a sulfurous yellow fog drifted and swirled about, an enormous reddish-brown object throbbed against the membrane. The fog first enveloped it, and then released it. A flurry of blurred movement lunged toward this--this--it was a heart! In a fogless moment, I saw the bear-sized former owner's carcass lying grotesquely on its side with gaping chest cavity. Whatever the attacking beasts were, they were first swallowed up by the fog and then disgorged from it. There had to be at least ten of them. And the fury of their mission was carried out in a soundless pantomime. They made another series of lunges, ripping into the heart, pulling away dripping shreds. The blood, dribbling down from the flesh, made tiny holes in the membrane and, continuing through, fell like scarlet rain to the ground where spumes of steam sizzled at their points of contact. I watched as the membrane instantly healed itself where the blood dripped through.
"How can I not take it all in, Axtilla?" I asked her, keeping my voice down. "Who are those--those--"
She held up a hand and we watched as one of them scooped up the last of the gelatinous heart and another the rear leg of the carcass and lumbered into the yellow fog, the rest following. "We have some time while they are feeding. It's the Pomnot's highest aspiration, filling his belly. Another fact to tuck away."
"That's their name, Pomnot?"
"Pom, dark; not, force."
"Who are they though?"
"The tablets tell us they are the advance guard, the disposables. They are the members of the Dark Force that were swept up during the bining to do the bidding of Kojutake."
"Wait! You said that was five generations ago. These wouldn't be the original--"
"It can be dangerous for you to compare everything that you see here with your former home as a frame of reference. There were no female Pomnots. Generation is in measurement of time only. Here there is no procreation, as you know it, among those of the dark force. There were no female Pomnots!" she repeated emphatically.
"Well, that can't be!"
"But it can. It is as I say. You see how violent they are when they feed? They live off the wild beasts on their plane. And when the animal life isn't available, they kill and eat each other. You must watch them without judgment or criticism, watch and learn from them. They will be our first encounter."
"Do they know we're here? I mean now? Can they see us?"
"Of course they can."
"What's stopping them from tearing through that membrane and coming after us?"
"That's the first productive question you've asked. You saw what happened when the blood dripped through the skin ...."
"Skin?"
"That's what it is. It's alive. It separates organisms. It heals itself."
"Okay. Which is what it did when the blood dripped through."
"The healing is rapid. It has to be, to keep the organisms from destroying each other."
"So it keeps the dark forces from invading you and your people."
"But, it doesn't judge; it's not moral. It just exists. It is. The skin is incredibly strong and dense, while at the same time flexible. Did you find it strange that with all the violence on that plane there was no sound at all? It was completely blocked from our plane."
I nodded but my mind was elsewhere. Something just didn't fit. There were some inconsistencies that needed to be addressed: just as soon as I could tie them together. Something with the soundlessness. Soundlessness ... Sure!
"Axtilla," I said, gathering my thoughts. "Earlier, when I mentioned the aurora borealis--remember?"
She cocked her head. "When Kojutake first appeared from behind the mountain?"
"And, even before when we could see the glow around the mountain."
"Okay." She had a puzzling smile on her lips.
"It wasn't just the light show. There were loud, rumbling sounds along with it. How could the sound penetrate the skin, then, but not now?"
"Exactly," she said, getting excited. "Now we're on a constructive course. We need to keep exploring questions like this. Later, when we encounter the dark force, we mustn't let emotion rule our reason."
"So explain."
You might consider instead: >>"I'm not quite following."<<
-- ... having fun with it. Or, with my lack of understanding of it!
>> ... having fun with me. Or, with my lack of understanding of it!<<
--wondering about these two strange people, leaning against a log.
>>wondering about these two strange beings, leaning against a log.<<
People is a human concept. Beings encompasses much more without being specific.
--All this happened so unexpectedly that laughter bubbled out ...
>>All this happened so unexpectedly, that laughter bubbled out ...<<
--... something through her laughter, but the words weren't cooperating.
>>something through her laughter, but the words weren't coming out.<<
The word "cooperation" means something else. Too stretchy a metaphor.
--I smiled and waited. When her words didn't come I started mine. "In the name of science, my dear Axtilla,...
>> smiled and waited, then said, "In the name of science, my dear Axtilla, ...<<
--urged me to put my hand on her, to touch her The reaction was electric,
>>urged me to put my hand on her, to touch her. The reaction was electric,<<
Missing period.
-- "I'm sorry, she said, and then her mouth spread into a grin." But, but, you should have ..."
>> "I'm sorry," she said, and then her mouth spread into a grin. "But, but, you should have ..."
--"But, but, you should have ..." She started again and recovered. "...should have seen your face!"
>>But, but, you should have ..."--she started again and recovered--"...should have seen your face!"<<
--She nearly fell back into her mirth, but stopped short, "where was your theory-testing then?"
>>She nearly fell back into her mirth, but stopped short, "Where was your theory-testing then?"<<
--"But, you know what was funny, what really kept me going?"
I told her I didn't.
"It was first watching the ..
Why not simply:
>>"But, you know what was funny, what really kept me going?"
"No."
"It was first watching the ..<<
--I needed to go slowly. Slowly.
It is a thought, so it's direct, as he is telling that to himself:
>>I need to go slowly. Slowly.<<
--"The gift? Did you say gift?"
I think you have an extra space in there:
>>"The gift? Did you say gift?"<<
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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OMG, Leonardo, you are one amazing person! Talk about not having much time -- this might well be one of the reasons. LOL, but don't stop. You are the most prolific critiquer I've encountered here. Thank you, my friend. I'm adding you to my list of Thumb's Up award, since I don't have any more for this month. I want you to have the recognition your reviewing deserves.
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It's not how much time you got (we all got the same 24 hours), it's what you do with it. LOL!
Thank you for your kind words, Jay.
Comment from mlittleton
Very graphic, Jay, kind of bloody, but interesting, not gratuitous I think. The story is compelling. I'd call it fantasy. Is that correct? Or scifi? These things are monstrous, but what kind of things are they? Humanlike? I'm not sure I see that part. Good stuff. Mark Littleton
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Very graphic, Jay, kind of bloody, but interesting, not gratuitous I think. The story is compelling. I'd call it fantasy. Is that correct? Or scifi? These things are monstrous, but what kind of things are they? Humanlike? I'm not sure I see that part. Good stuff. Mark Littleton
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Thank you for reading it Mark. It skirts very close to both SciFi and Fantasy. It will definitely gravitate later into more the fantasy end. I'm happy you don't see the violence as Gratuitous.