MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 2 "Sam Hudson"A Day at Sea World
18 total reviews
Comment from Oatmeal
showtimebook,
Goodness! This chapter had me on the edge of my seat and then I glanced at the genre. No wonder. LOL This is a story that may keep me up at night.
You did an excellent job of writing it. The story line is good. The characters are very much alive. The dialogs flowed very well.
There was no SPAG. No typos. No homophones. No problems at all.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
  |
showtimebook,
Goodness! This chapter had me on the edge of my seat and then I glanced at the genre. No wonder. LOL This is a story that may keep me up at night.
You did an excellent job of writing it. The story line is good. The characters are very much alive. The dialogs flowed very well.
There was no SPAG. No typos. No homophones. No problems at all.
I look forward to seeing you again.
Love you,
Oatmeal
Comment Written 12-May-2008
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
-
Hiya Oats!
I love it when I get a review like this. It's going to be a ride, for sure, and I hope you hang in there. I'm gonna check you out and see what you've been up to!
So nice to see an old friend again!
Hugs,
Gayle
-
Gayle,
I have been at Pogo winning weekly badges and also looking for a job. I hope that y'all are doing fine. Did you see the post by Kentucky Sweet Pea yesterday?
OMG! She almost went to jail. I told her that I will be a wonderful pen pal but that she needs to be more careful.
Love y'all bunches,
Oatmeal
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
This is an excellent second chapter. Doesn't take long for the crisis to strike...
I have a pair of suggestions:
"Daddy, I think you [you'd] better call the park police."
She [Molly] swallowed convulsively and cleared her throat. When I read this line, it was not clear who "she" was, but I guess it's Molly.
Dave M
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
|
Gayle,
This is an excellent second chapter. Doesn't take long for the crisis to strike...
I have a pair of suggestions:
"Daddy, I think you [you'd] better call the park police."
She [Molly] swallowed convulsively and cleared her throat. When I read this line, it was not clear who "she" was, but I guess it's Molly.
Dave M
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
-
Hi Dave,
Good catches..let me go back in there and make fix. This one is just pouring out, contributing to my lack of sleep. :-)
Thanks for the R&R and the comments,
Gayle
Comment from Kym Jade
I agree with Molly, I think there is something not right with Sam. Why would someone in their twenties be interested in fifteen year olds? After all they did make it obvious they were there with parents. Now you have started a mystery you have me hooked, so looking forward to more.
Suggestion:
He watched the girls scale the wall, long golden legs reaching for the incuts (< no such word how about indents?) and bulges that offered support; slender but muscular arms gripped the handholds.
Love and blessings.
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
|
I agree with Molly, I think there is something not right with Sam. Why would someone in their twenties be interested in fifteen year olds? After all they did make it obvious they were there with parents. Now you have started a mystery you have me hooked, so looking forward to more.
Suggestion:
He watched the girls scale the wall, long golden legs reaching for the incuts (< no such word how about indents?) and bulges that offered support; slender but muscular arms gripped the handholds.
Love and blessings.
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
-
Metcha Ladies!
Always so good to see you! Yeah, Sam is a nogoodnick, for sure and he's up to something.
That 'incuts' thingy? That's what they call the slits in the wall where the feet go. Personally, I like indents better. Lol, but it's their sport!
Love you and thanks for the great review!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Earthwriter
very nice piece of true to life writing i felt dialog had a very real feel to it excellent job on this piece thanks so much for sharing it
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
|
very nice piece of true to life writing i felt dialog had a very real feel to it excellent job on this piece thanks so much for sharing it
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 12-May-2008
-
Hi Earthwriter,
Thanks so much for the cool R&R. I'm glad you liked it and hope you'll hang around for the ride.
Gayle
Comment from Allezw2
Lady Gayle,
Aha!
The strike and set!
Now the dread, nicely portrayed.
There can be nothing in the world like the feeling of a small child unaccounted for in a crowd.
We always felt the responsibility whenever we were out on an extended hiking trip with the scouts in the area mountains.
Our girls were expected to let us know where they were going and with whom. We stressed that if we ever had to look for them, it would tell us where they were last.
While they were still living at home, it sort of upset them when we asked to see the driver license of their dates the first time we met them.
I often think of that beautiful young woman murdered by a low-life who was supposedly commissioned to take some photos for a publicity shot in the desert. An added incentive was that they would also be publicity shots for her later use.
Years ago, there was a murderous pedophile that nearly escaped prosecution. He sold the car he murdered the little girl in to a wrecking yard. The police were suspicious and were able to impound the car just as it was going into the crusher. Evidence collected from the car was used to convict him.
For your consideration:
"Hi," he said with a smile. "I'm Sam Hudson. What's your name?"
"Hi. I'm Beth Chapman and this is my friend, Molly Kramer."
- He leaned forward and grinned at Molly. "Is this your first time at the park?"
"No," (she} replied slowly. "How about you?"
Sam is apparently, specifically talking to Molly.
***
- Danny leaned toward his father, a concerned look on his face. "It's really strange, Dad, I don't know if you noticed, but Beth kept looking out the window, remember? At first I thought she was still mad at me, but then I saw her staring at this guy. Maybe she went out to see him."
.
Danny leaned toward his father, a concerned look on his face. "It's really strange, Dad, I don't know if you noticed, but Beth kept looking out the window, remember? At first I thought she was still mad at me, but then I saw her staring at this guy. Maybe she went out to see him."
{Before he could answer, he saw} Susan and Molly hurrying across the dining room floor to them, {uncertainty on their faces. It made him uneasy}.
***
- Dave and Susan locked eyes. "She's only been gone half an hour, I mean, what do we say? And yet, the more time that passes...." She glanced at the kids from under her lashes. "What should we do?"
Dave and Susan locked eyes. "She's only been gone half an hour{," she said,} "I mean, what do we say? And yet, the more time that passes...." She glanced at the kids from under her lashes, then wide-eyed at her husband. "What should we do?"
Something such as this in your practiced word smithing might tie in Susan's words a little bit tighter.
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
|
Lady Gayle,
Aha!
The strike and set!
Now the dread, nicely portrayed.
There can be nothing in the world like the feeling of a small child unaccounted for in a crowd.
We always felt the responsibility whenever we were out on an extended hiking trip with the scouts in the area mountains.
Our girls were expected to let us know where they were going and with whom. We stressed that if we ever had to look for them, it would tell us where they were last.
While they were still living at home, it sort of upset them when we asked to see the driver license of their dates the first time we met them.
I often think of that beautiful young woman murdered by a low-life who was supposedly commissioned to take some photos for a publicity shot in the desert. An added incentive was that they would also be publicity shots for her later use.
Years ago, there was a murderous pedophile that nearly escaped prosecution. He sold the car he murdered the little girl in to a wrecking yard. The police were suspicious and were able to impound the car just as it was going into the crusher. Evidence collected from the car was used to convict him.
For your consideration:
"Hi," he said with a smile. "I'm Sam Hudson. What's your name?"
"Hi. I'm Beth Chapman and this is my friend, Molly Kramer."
- He leaned forward and grinned at Molly. "Is this your first time at the park?"
"No," (she} replied slowly. "How about you?"
Sam is apparently, specifically talking to Molly.
***
- Danny leaned toward his father, a concerned look on his face. "It's really strange, Dad, I don't know if you noticed, but Beth kept looking out the window, remember? At first I thought she was still mad at me, but then I saw her staring at this guy. Maybe she went out to see him."
.
Danny leaned toward his father, a concerned look on his face. "It's really strange, Dad, I don't know if you noticed, but Beth kept looking out the window, remember? At first I thought she was still mad at me, but then I saw her staring at this guy. Maybe she went out to see him."
{Before he could answer, he saw} Susan and Molly hurrying across the dining room floor to them, {uncertainty on their faces. It made him uneasy}.
***
- Dave and Susan locked eyes. "She's only been gone half an hour, I mean, what do we say? And yet, the more time that passes...." She glanced at the kids from under her lashes. "What should we do?"
Dave and Susan locked eyes. "She's only been gone half an hour{," she said,} "I mean, what do we say? And yet, the more time that passes...." She glanced at the kids from under her lashes, then wide-eyed at her husband. "What should we do?"
Something such as this in your practiced word smithing might tie in Susan's words a little bit tighter.
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
-
Oh, Wayne, You know, this story is like a daily occurrence. We think we have our kids prepared for anything...I mean, these weren't kids just set loose to wander, and still, man, it happens. Thanks for the great review. Hugs,
-
You're quite welcome.
Comment from rhymer1
Excellent narrative and ralistic dialog. I get the feel that the bad guy is less gifted between the ears than most. Why is he so open about who he is if he has dastardly activities in mind? Is it that I have not read earlier chapters that I am confused?
Slainte, rhymer1
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
|
Excellent narrative and ralistic dialog. I get the feel that the bad guy is less gifted between the ears than most. Why is he so open about who he is if he has dastardly activities in mind? Is it that I have not read earlier chapters that I am confused?
Slainte, rhymer1
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
-
Hey Rhymer,
Good to see you again. No, you didn't miss anything. Psychotics never believe they'll be caught. Actually, this story actually happened...at least the beginning, to someone I knew. Her outcome was better than this one. If you get the chance, the previous chapter will get you up to speed. I just started this, so the bucks are still there! LOL.
Thanks again so much!
Gayle
Comment from Korton
I guess that Molly has a little more sense than Beth, but probably not a whole lot. Apparently Beth has hooked up with a predator, and by now, they are either out of the park or possibly he might be a park employee and have her hidden in some location within the park. Scarey times ahead. Very well done.
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
|
I guess that Molly has a little more sense than Beth, but probably not a whole lot. Apparently Beth has hooked up with a predator, and by now, they are either out of the park or possibly he might be a park employee and have her hidden in some location within the park. Scarey times ahead. Very well done.
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
-
Hey Frank,
It's incredible to believe that kids let this happen. They feel so invincible and their innocense gets used against them. Yeah, bad world filled with bad people.
Thanks so much for the great R&R and your comments.
Gayle
Comment from Johnny Carwash
The opening chapters of this book are almost cinematic in how they get the audience prepared for the scary-dary action that's coming their way. Very well done. I will be bookmarking this, definitely.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
|
The opening chapters of this book are almost cinematic in how they get the audience prepared for the scary-dary action that's coming their way. Very well done. I will be bookmarking this, definitely.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 11-May-2008
reply by the author on 11-May-2008
-
Hey Johnny,
So nice to see you again. This is a story that has a familiar ring on so many levels. The newspapers are full of it, pedophiles stalking kids. Gives me the chills.
It's so nice to meet you.
Gayle