MADHOUSE
Viewing comments for Chapter 21 "Welcome Home"A Day at Sea World
15 total reviews
Comment from c_lucas
Very well written. Good dialogue. Good imagery. Good descriptive scheme. Now is the time to put everything back together.
"Audie, I have no reservations, not now, not ever. You're the love of my life. We'll do whatever it takes to get through this, and when it's over for you, it's over for me. Just one thing. Can we set a date for our wedding soon? I can't wait to marry you
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Very well written. Good dialogue. Good imagery. Good descriptive scheme. Now is the time to put everything back together.
"Audie, I have no reservations, not now, not ever. You're the love of my life. We'll do whatever it takes to get through this, and when it's over for you, it's over for me. Just one thing. Can we set a date for our wedding soon? I can't wait to marry you
Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Hey Charlie,
Ya like Freddie, huh? I wanted him to be just the right kind of guy. I think I got him down pat, huh?
Well, we have one more chapter to this book and then I reopen my horse book, Riding Blind. I hope you join me in that one, too.
Take care and thanks again,
Gayle
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He appears to be a little more sensitive than most men in his situation. Charlie
Comment from nor84
Hello,Gayle. I love that Royal "we" the doctor uses because I knew one who always said "we" when he meant "I". Although in this case, it sounds as if it was a team of doctors.
Why do you say original point of entry? Why not just point of entry?
You wrote "Jim leaned back against his pillows, still a bit groggy and in a good bit of pain." Did you mean to repeat "bit?"
You wrote: Do you want me to come down and pick you up?"
"If you could take Lenny and the girls home to pick up -- there's a close repeat of "pick up"
I like that "flippin' flea" remark.
You wrote: He kissed the tips of her fingers and his voice cuaght. --typo.
Good job, as usual.
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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Hello,Gayle. I love that Royal "we" the doctor uses because I knew one who always said "we" when he meant "I". Although in this case, it sounds as if it was a team of doctors.
Why do you say original point of entry? Why not just point of entry?
You wrote "Jim leaned back against his pillows, still a bit groggy and in a good bit of pain." Did you mean to repeat "bit?"
You wrote: Do you want me to come down and pick you up?"
"If you could take Lenny and the girls home to pick up -- there's a close repeat of "pick up"
I like that "flippin' flea" remark.
You wrote: He kissed the tips of her fingers and his voice cuaght. --typo.
Good job, as usual.
This rating does not count towards story rating or author rank.
The highest and the lowest rating are not included in calculations.
Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Hey Nora,
I think they say "we" so they can deny total responsibility!
I'll get in there and fix those nits. Got a tad repetitive...caught...fast fingers!
I can't thank you enough for the time and great review. I think coming in and reading the second to the last chapter of a book can be like pulling teeth! Glad you enjoyed this one.
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Dave M
Gayle,
This is a terrific chapter, but Fanstory won't let me give you a sixer. I am so glad that Audrey's boyfriend is understading.
I found a few nits:
"Anymore, they look like the inside of an airplane cockpit." I think this would read better if the first word were "Anyway." And yes, I can find the controls of a new car nowadays intimidating. But then, I'm old.
"Audrey Simms sat on the back patio of her parent's [parents'] house in Newport Beach." Another posh part of town,
"He kissed the tips of her fingers and his voice cuaght." The last word is obviously misspelled.
Dave M
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Gayle,
This is a terrific chapter, but Fanstory won't let me give you a sixer. I am so glad that Audrey's boyfriend is understading.
I found a few nits:
"Anymore, they look like the inside of an airplane cockpit." I think this would read better if the first word were "Anyway." And yes, I can find the controls of a new car nowadays intimidating. But then, I'm old.
"Audrey Simms sat on the back patio of her parent's [parents'] house in Newport Beach." Another posh part of town,
"He kissed the tips of her fingers and his voice cuaght." The last word is obviously misspelled.
Dave M
Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Honest to Pete, Dave, I don't know how I keep missing the edits! MAN! Yes, I'm yelling, at myself and I'm saying mean things, too!
Oh, do you know Newport? It's one of my most fave beach cities. Actually, if you're talking about going into the ocean, it's THE best. Laguna is great, too.
LOL, that thing about the battery in the Jag is true. Honest to God, I got into the car to start it, and right away, I knew something was wrong. First of all, no fanfare. I mean, when it's up to snuff, all these little lights come on on the panel, and there's this little secret lite that gives you, like, five minutes to turn the car on or else it locks up. So, I'd left the trunk ajar..no juice. I opened the hood and I'm checking all over the place, and there's everything under there but the kitchen sink, but no battery. I mean, I can jump a car, dagonnit. So, I go get Jeff, he's looking in there and after a while, he says, "Don't know what to tell you, kid. I don't think it has a battery."
After much cussing, not to mention a logical trip through the owners manual, produces the location. Suffice it to say, I close the trunk now, hard!
Will get all those guys fixed and thanks for the great R&R!
Hugs,
Gayle
Comment from Rajasir
It often happens to be a very difficult task to judge a literary work that is the continuation of the preceding chapters, but I can assure you one thing that what you have written in this chapter is really worth reading.The flow is superb and the story flows unhindered. I can tast the whole from this piece of your writing.
Bless you,
Rajasir
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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It often happens to be a very difficult task to judge a literary work that is the continuation of the preceding chapters, but I can assure you one thing that what you have written in this chapter is really worth reading.The flow is superb and the story flows unhindered. I can tast the whole from this piece of your writing.
Bless you,
Rajasir
Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Hi Raj,
Oh, it is the worst! And one of the bad things about being a novelist on FS. Like, who wants to sit down and read the second to the last chapter of a huge book? LOL! You made me smile with this review and I thank you very much.
Gayle
Comment from gweyant
Good job. this story keeps you interested. I loved the reaction between Freddie and Audrey.
It nice to see a man care more about the other person than himself. or worry about what it would do to his reputation.
gweyant
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reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Good job. this story keeps you interested. I loved the reaction between Freddie and Audrey.
It nice to see a man care more about the other person than himself. or worry about what it would do to his reputation.
gweyant
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Comment Written 22-Jun-2008
reply by the author on 22-Jun-2008
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Hi Gweyant,
Well, I really appreciate your take on Freddie. I, too, wanted to have him be just right, say all the right things, and it's cool to see you think he did that. Thank you so much for the fine review and your comments,
Gayle
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Your welcome. gweyant