Murder or Coincidence
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "Murder or Coincidence? Part 1"Was it Murder
34 total reviews
Comment from Readywriter52
Lee sounds in very bad shape. He married Rebecca because he got her pregnant. If he drinks all the time, I imagine the marriage is in bad shape. Now a old flame, Sandi calls. She can only mess up his life more.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Lee sounds in very bad shape. He married Rebecca because he got her pregnant. If he drinks all the time, I imagine the marriage is in bad shape. Now a old flame, Sandi calls. She can only mess up his life more.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Readywriter...The webs we weave...Glad you read all three parts and enjoyed the story. Carol
Comment from Nomar Goodland
I like the intimacy of language. characters come to life. They spead as living people, not as abstract formalized by the strictures of form.
"Well, I've got to get to work, bro. Make yourself at home as long as you want. Just lock the door when you leave. Okay?"
it sounds real. It feels real. once can see oneself thre in the room.
Good work so far.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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I like the intimacy of language. characters come to life. They spead as living people, not as abstract formalized by the strictures of form.
"Well, I've got to get to work, bro. Make yourself at home as long as you want. Just lock the door when you leave. Okay?"
it sounds real. It feels real. once can see oneself thre in the room.
Good work so far.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Nomar Thank you for the kind review and for enjoying the story. I have posted the other two parts. I hope you continue to read. Thanks again Carol
Comment from zlp22
Interesting story, can't wait for the next part to see what happens. You hav a great ending to keep people wanting to read more.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Interesting story, can't wait for the next part to see what happens. You hav a great ending to keep people wanting to read more.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Zip Thanks for the review...Part 2 and 3 are posted. I think they are at 16 and 20 something on the story board. I have to review and get some more money to raise them up higher. Hope you continue reading. Thanks again CArol
Comment from Summer Falls
Well, you certainly know how to grab a reader and keep em reading! This was well written and you have characters who are easy to understand and relate to. I feel sorry for Rebecca--she certainly is the one being short-changed here from what I can tell. I wonder if she will leave him, freeing him to chase after the woman, Sandi, who appeared out of wherever she was. I must tell you, I do not like Lee at all.
Summer
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Well, you certainly know how to grab a reader and keep em reading! This was well written and you have characters who are easy to understand and relate to. I feel sorry for Rebecca--she certainly is the one being short-changed here from what I can tell. I wonder if she will leave him, freeing him to chase after the woman, Sandi, who appeared out of wherever she was. I must tell you, I do not like Lee at all.
Summer
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Summer
Thanks for the outstanding review. I am glad that you enjoyed it. I have posted Part 2 and 3, but haven't got enough money to move them up further. Shall start reviewing and see what I can do. Thanks for reading...Carol
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I have the other parts in my pm box. I will be reading them tomorrow. I am beat, and I don't think I can read another word, I am so bleary-eyed. :) Don't worry, I won't forget.
Summer
Comment from dihardest
Given the impetus for this, I think you are doing an excellent job of staging irreconcilable conflict among your characters that could compel more than one of them to take extreme measures. Which one might prove a surprise. Your narrative opens with an engaging hook and holds the reader's interest as he/she tries to sort what to do if faced with the same dilemma. Looking forward to seeing what you do with it.
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Given the impetus for this, I think you are doing an excellent job of staging irreconcilable conflict among your characters that could compel more than one of them to take extreme measures. Which one might prove a surprise. Your narrative opens with an engaging hook and holds the reader's interest as he/she tries to sort what to do if faced with the same dilemma. Looking forward to seeing what you do with it.
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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dihardest
Thanks for the review and the appreciate comments. Carol
Comment from Phil Kitom
Well you are off to a good start
leaving the reader wondering what
is going on with a disappearing
wife who suddenly turns up...
Oh well all will be revealed...
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Well you are off to a good start
leaving the reader wondering what
is going on with a disappearing
wife who suddenly turns up...
Oh well all will be revealed...
Comment Written 15-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 15-Aug-2009
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Phil Thanks for reading and enjoying the story. I always appreciate your comments. Carol
Comment from patwannabe
Carol, I'm wondering why this is so short. Why did you break this up into three parts? Maybe two would be OK, but it certainly (at least by the length of this one) doesn't need to be 3. (Save yourself some money, too :-) ) I like it. You come up with some excellent story lines, very exciting and "reader friendly". We're a curious bunch of vultures, waiting impatiently for the next course. Good one, pat
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Carol, I'm wondering why this is so short. Why did you break this up into three parts? Maybe two would be OK, but it certainly (at least by the length of this one) doesn't need to be 3. (Save yourself some money, too :-) ) I like it. You come up with some excellent story lines, very exciting and "reader friendly". We're a curious bunch of vultures, waiting impatiently for the next course. Good one, pat
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Pat
Thanks so much for the review. I have posted Part 2 and I hope to Post the ending Part 3 tomorrow. They are a bit longer than this one. Thank you so much for reading and enjoying the story. Thanks again CArol
Comment from Mastery
Hi, BA. This is good writing from you as usual. However I have a few suggestions if you don't mind...
.With this sentence below, I am now confident of what I thought when I first started reading this story. "Hey buddy, looks like I missed out on the party." Brad, a good friend, slid onto the bar stool and ordered a beer."
Think of a clever, hook type thing placing your guy in the bar at the outset before you even think about dialogue on the phone....In fact just for the future, It is not good to begin any story with dialogue as a rule...not that it won't work, but chances are it won't.
I am confused here...Prior sentences would seem to indicate he was taking a shower there...not going home...Which is it..
Good writing overall, as you know. Bob
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Hi, BA. This is good writing from you as usual. However I have a few suggestions if you don't mind...
.With this sentence below, I am now confident of what I thought when I first started reading this story. "Hey buddy, looks like I missed out on the party." Brad, a good friend, slid onto the bar stool and ordered a beer."
Think of a clever, hook type thing placing your guy in the bar at the outset before you even think about dialogue on the phone....In fact just for the future, It is not good to begin any story with dialogue as a rule...not that it won't work, but chances are it won't.
I am confused here...Prior sentences would seem to indicate he was taking a shower there...not going home...Which is it..
Good writing overall, as you know. Bob
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Bob Initially he said he was taking a shower at Brad's but after looking at his clothes that he had worn for 24 hours, he decided he would go home, shower and change so he would look his best for Sandi. Thanks for the review and the suggestions. I certainly appreciate it. Carol
Part 2 is posted and Part 3 hopefully will be tomorrow. I have to earn some more $$$ first. Thanks again.
Comment from lola29
You've opened with a very good story. Kept my interest from start to finish, and I'm hooked. I'm eager to know more about Sandi.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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You've opened with a very good story. Kept my interest from start to finish, and I'm hooked. I'm eager to know more about Sandi.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Lola Thanks so much for the review. Glad to see that you enjoyed it. Thanks again Carol
Comment from Jnetgame
Excellent first part to this story. You have been curious aboput what will happend next. Just a couple of minor edits:
Lee stopped and took a long drink (possibly replace "drink" with something more descriptive, maybe swig) of his beer.
Lee shrugged his shoulders, a sigh escape (escaped) his lips.
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Excellent first part to this story. You have been curious aboput what will happend next. Just a couple of minor edits:
Lee stopped and took a long drink (possibly replace "drink" with something more descriptive, maybe swig) of his beer.
Lee shrugged his shoulders, a sigh escape (escaped) his lips.
Comment Written 14-Aug-2009
reply by the author on 14-Aug-2009
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Jnetgame Thanks for the suggestion. I actually like that so I'll try to fix it asap. Thanks again Carol
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I'm please you liked my suggestion.
Jenny