No Man's Land
Forever is endless37 total reviews
Comment from Ted T
Hi Susan :)
You have a possibly good story going, but, in my opinion, it's disjointed and confusing. I think you may have rushed the piece for the contest.
In an effort to create suspense or horror or thriller, you clouded the elements that could've made it so.
Here's a couple of nits:
["Uhhhhg] I would expect this kind of thing from a novice, not you. ... easy boy."
[and there were nothing to be done but] -- Did you mean (was)?
Good luck with the contest.
Ted
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Hi Susan :)
You have a possibly good story going, but, in my opinion, it's disjointed and confusing. I think you may have rushed the piece for the contest.
In an effort to create suspense or horror or thriller, you clouded the elements that could've made it so.
Here's a couple of nits:
["Uhhhhg] I would expect this kind of thing from a novice, not you. ... easy boy."
[and there were nothing to be done but] -- Did you mean (was)?
Good luck with the contest.
Ted
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Hi Ted...I took the suggestions and removed ugh, and easy boy too. Thanks for the heads up! I was very tired, but tried not to hurry. Tho, someone else thought it was disjointed too, so I will see if I can work it out? Thank you very much for the help! I always appreciate that! Hope you are happy and well, Ted! ... hugs, Susan
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Actually [Ugh] is a word, but not the way you wrote it.
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I know....I was trying to convey his sort of gagging...but it was off as you said! Thanks again! I will remember this too. Or try to anyway! :)) S.
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You're welcome :)
The boy is your main character and you didn't give him a name?
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Thomas? I'll read it again! :) S.
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Hi :)
I could've missed it. If I did, you didn't use it enough.
Comment from pattipac
Very interesting read,'No Man's Land.' Did he really get captured time and again by creatures of space? Did they probe and inject painful elements into his body? Was he an instrument of injecting human's semen into other worldly girls to see what type of human-creature would be born? Was he just insane hallucinating other worldly phenomenon? Your creative story projects much to think upon.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
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Very interesting read,'No Man's Land.' Did he really get captured time and again by creatures of space? Did they probe and inject painful elements into his body? Was he an instrument of injecting human's semen into other worldly girls to see what type of human-creature would be born? Was he just insane hallucinating other worldly phenomenon? Your creative story projects much to think upon.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
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Hi there! What a kind and wonderful note...your enthusiasm and time for me is humbling, and what a thrill it is, to see that you enjoyed this. I apologize for another pasted thank you....I have read all these super reviews and love you all, for each and every one of them!! Sincerely, Susan
Comment from Dave M
Susan,
This is an excellent story about a boy who grew into a man, without any reason to hope for anything. I enjoyed this post and found nothing to criticize.
Dave
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
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Susan,
This is an excellent story about a boy who grew into a man, without any reason to hope for anything. I enjoyed this post and found nothing to criticize.
Dave
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
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Hi there! What a kind and wonderful note...your enthusiasm and time for me is humbling, and what a thrill it is, to see that you enjoyed this. I apologize for another pasted thank you....I have read all these super reviews and love you all, for each and every one of them!! Sincerely, Susan
Comment from KathyH
Great piece. Held my attention the whole way. Excellent description and such a sad but fitting ending. Terrific job. Kathy
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
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Great piece. Held my attention the whole way. Excellent description and such a sad but fitting ending. Terrific job. Kathy
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
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Hi there! What a kind and wonderful note...your enthusiasm and time for me is humbling, and what a thrill it is, to see that you enjoyed this. I apologize for another pasted thank you....I have read all these super reviews and love you all, for each and every one of them!! Sincerely, Susan
Comment from amada
First of all, I want to congratulate you for the great honor. Very well deserved. Your story drew me in for complete, didn't know what to think of the character, so sad and somber. For sure it opened my questioning mind.
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
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First of all, I want to congratulate you for the great honor. Very well deserved. Your story drew me in for complete, didn't know what to think of the character, so sad and somber. For sure it opened my questioning mind.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
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Hi there! What a kind and wonderful note...your enthusiasm and time for me is humbling, and what a thrill it is, to see that you enjoyed this. I apologize for another pasted thank you....I have read all these super reviews and love you all, for each and every one of them!! Sincerely, Susan
Comment from Cindy Warren
One thing I look for reviewing prose is a strong, believable main character. Your hero needs to try and do something about his problem, even if it doesn't work. The ending needs work, too. Is he not even going to try to solve his problem? His lack of effort makes him seem weak.
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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One thing I look for reviewing prose is a strong, believable main character. Your hero needs to try and do something about his problem, even if it doesn't work. The ending needs work, too. Is he not even going to try to solve his problem? His lack of effort makes him seem weak.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 11-Mar-2012
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Thanks Cindy! I appreciate your time for me! :) Susan
Comment from cheyennewy
Hi Susan,
Congrats on being recognized by fanstory! That achievement is a wonderful thing. I was engaged in this story from the very beginning. I take it he has been taken by aliens, perhaps for his sperm. He welcomes death that won't come but he knows the 'grays' will continue to abduct him. Your ending is perfect for this imaginative story. Well done and good luck in the contest....blessings, chey
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
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Hi Susan,
Congrats on being recognized by fanstory! That achievement is a wonderful thing. I was engaged in this story from the very beginning. I take it he has been taken by aliens, perhaps for his sperm. He welcomes death that won't come but he knows the 'grays' will continue to abduct him. Your ending is perfect for this imaginative story. Well done and good luck in the contest....blessings, chey
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 15-Mar-2012
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Hi Chey!! Thank you so very very much..I appreciate this enthusiastic note and am so lucky that you are here and enjoy these oddball stories Chey! I am almost afraid to post now, people expect a lot....wow. :) HUGS and smiles...Susan
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I know what you mean as I feel the same. But don't stop writing your stories as you are more talented that you think you are!
Comment from Sasha
This is definitely creepy. I actually believe in aliens but haven't met anyone who has seen one. Great story. Kept me on the edge of my chair from beginning to end.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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This is definitely creepy. I actually believe in aliens but haven't met anyone who has seen one. Great story. Kept me on the edge of my chair from beginning to end.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Hi Sasha! Thank you! SO sorry for another late note...I do appreciate this and just hope you got at least a tiny thrill? And I hope you're having nice weather. It's been warm here for a few days...SO nice...but in Indiana, will not last! Lol! Hugs and smiles young lady. Susan
Comment from Spitfire
Sounds like a Twilight Zone story. Frightening images hook the reader from the start. Suspense continues with the laser look of the bull. Craftily fitted in background- this not being his first time. A moment of imagined heroism. "put things in his privates." ouch! Leave that to the imagination. Good thing they didn't get his sister! So the greys hope to reproduce themselves through his sperm. He can't even destroy their plans. Poor Thomas doomed forever.
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Sounds like a Twilight Zone story. Frightening images hook the reader from the start. Suspense continues with the laser look of the bull. Craftily fitted in background- this not being his first time. A moment of imagined heroism. "put things in his privates." ouch! Leave that to the imagination. Good thing they didn't get his sister! So the greys hope to reproduce themselves through his sperm. He can't even destroy their plans. Poor Thomas doomed forever.
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Hi Shari! How are you ?? I hope you're doing well. I thank you for this kind and fun review...it's so nice to know you liked this silly tale. And I apologize for this late thank you. I think being this tired is a sign of 'time to give it up'. Now, I have to paint this house. I don't know if I have the strength. Oh well. Hugs and best!! Susan
Comment from Trybuck
Your imagination has gone wild
for a while at least
A chilling tale of abduction
by aliens from space
No reason given for their intrusion
but here they come again
ready to inflict more gruesome pain
and still life goes on
I think the worst spag I saw was:
And sometimes mean as snake too. == a snake -- I think
Well done with your entry, Buck
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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Your imagination has gone wild
for a while at least
A chilling tale of abduction
by aliens from space
No reason given for their intrusion
but here they come again
ready to inflict more gruesome pain
and still life goes on
I think the worst spag I saw was:
And sometimes mean as snake too. == a snake -- I think
Well done with your entry, Buck
Comment Written 11-Mar-2012
reply by the author on 17-Mar-2012
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:) Ha! I try!! I added the (a)! Thank you!! I always appreciate good helpers like you my friend...AND your review is a fun, and well done write in itself! Thanks again Buck. Susan