The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 1 "AWAKENED TO SLEEP"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
31 total reviews
Comment from Lysa Schuler
This was an excellent write. It read really easy. Story was fascinating, keeping my interest entirely. Most of all this story was written very well. There was only a couple areas where I felt you had too many commas. Other then that, this was an exceptional story. I would have given a six, but I'm all out. Great work, and many blessings.
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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This was an excellent write. It read really easy. Story was fascinating, keeping my interest entirely. Most of all this story was written very well. There was only a couple areas where I felt you had too many commas. Other then that, this was an exceptional story. I would have given a six, but I'm all out. Great work, and many blessings.
Comment Written 19-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 19-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Lysa. Glad to have you aboard. Hope you read some of the others as well. Ah ... commas are a problem with me. It doesn't help that use or non use is largely intuitive and has more to do with whether the writer wants the reader to take a short breath (comma) or longer breath (semi-colon). I have a lot of trouble with them. AGain... thanks!
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you're welcome, and thank you for sharing. Many blessings.
Comment from Ric Myworld
Waking up in a strange place and not knowing how or when he got there is scary enough, but to be greeted by a foreign or alien being takes it to another level. Descriptive and well written. Great job. :-)
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Waking up in a strange place and not knowing how or when he got there is scary enough, but to be greeted by a foreign or alien being takes it to another level. Descriptive and well written. Great job. :-)
Comment Written 18-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 18-Apr-2014
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Thank you, thank you, thank you!
Comment from Gert sherwood
Hello Jay I liked how you opened your story and how you put suspense of what happened to you and the mystery of the young creature you descried so well,
Just one thing I thought the part about the cat got your tongue was a bit long.
Gert
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Hello Jay I liked how you opened your story and how you put suspense of what happened to you and the mystery of the young creature you descried so well,
Just one thing I thought the part about the cat got your tongue was a bit long.
Gert
Comment Written 13-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 13-Apr-2014
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Hiya Gert. Thanks for getting back to this. I'll check into that. Do you mean the whole section? Or, just the part that that was in? I appreciate you!
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Let point out the section I don't think you don't need or just change it (it confused me)
She didn't mean: "I understand about the cat." He was sure of that. What she meant, quite literally, was "I have the picture in my mind of a cat." And, I was confident that was a slip-up on her part.
Gert
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Okay, I see the part now. I'll check that out. Thanks.
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Hope it helps
Gert
Comment from GWHARGIS
I really enjoyed this first chapter. I like the way you expressed the foreign scene around him. His thoughts and the actions of the main character helped show his clear confusion and beginnings of panic. Every thing even the elements seemed to frighten him. I do admit I have trouble with fantasy. I may not understand the story, but I will really get into the characters. Now I want to know about the tough chick. Great opener.
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014
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I really enjoyed this first chapter. I like the way you expressed the foreign scene around him. His thoughts and the actions of the main character helped show his clear confusion and beginnings of panic. Every thing even the elements seemed to frighten him. I do admit I have trouble with fantasy. I may not understand the story, but I will really get into the characters. Now I want to know about the tough chick. Great opener.
Comment Written 12-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 12-Apr-2014
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About the fantasy. I wrote it as a challenge to myself. I wanted to try a genre I'd never written in and fantasy was far away from any interest I had literarily. I have only finished one or two fantasy stories and not one of the classic ones. Go figure. I just felt I wanted to be up to the challenge. If I didn't have 50+ years of writing under my belt I'd have thought it was foolhearty. It may prove to be.
Comment from yarnteller
Interesting tale of two beings pitted against each other on some exotic planet or alternative realm. Great mystery and dialog that keeps the reader wanting more. I eagerly await your next chapter.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2014
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Interesting tale of two beings pitted against each other on some exotic planet or alternative realm. Great mystery and dialog that keeps the reader wanting more. I eagerly await your next chapter.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Yarnteller. It'll be posted in about a week.
Comment from dreamin'
Hi,
A great beginning! This held my interest from the first line to the last. It's very original, and the fact that I already have so many questions, I will come back for more of the story.
The only critique I will give is to suggest an additional thought, or something after "Please," I shouted to her, pressing harder on my wound. "I'm not trying to hurt you. Don't be frightened."
That dialogue comes so close on the heels of "My fist balled, I began a roundhouse swing and ... connected squarely on the jaw..." that I literally stopped reading and said aloud, "Really? You just punched her, and now you say you're not trying to hurt her."
My suggestion is to add a thought or mumbling to the end of this: "Please," I shouted to her, pressing harder on my wound. "I'm not trying to hurt you. Don't be frightened." Yeah right, don't be frightened of someone who just planted their fist on your mouth.
Unless he really is supposed to be a despicable prick, having him say something like that would allow the reader to instantly relate to him emotionally. He was remorseful, so maybe he's okay.
Good luck with this, and I can't wait to read more.
Debbie
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2014
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Hi,
A great beginning! This held my interest from the first line to the last. It's very original, and the fact that I already have so many questions, I will come back for more of the story.
The only critique I will give is to suggest an additional thought, or something after "Please," I shouted to her, pressing harder on my wound. "I'm not trying to hurt you. Don't be frightened."
That dialogue comes so close on the heels of "My fist balled, I began a roundhouse swing and ... connected squarely on the jaw..." that I literally stopped reading and said aloud, "Really? You just punched her, and now you say you're not trying to hurt her."
My suggestion is to add a thought or mumbling to the end of this: "Please," I shouted to her, pressing harder on my wound. "I'm not trying to hurt you. Don't be frightened." Yeah right, don't be frightened of someone who just planted their fist on your mouth.
Unless he really is supposed to be a despicable prick, having him say something like that would allow the reader to instantly relate to him emotionally. He was remorseful, so maybe he's okay.
Good luck with this, and I can't wait to read more.
Debbie
Comment Written 06-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2014
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Ha-ha! Debbie! I will attend to that suggestion as soon as it's off the posting board. I'll take a close look at it. Very, very good! "Really? You just punched her, and now you say you're not trying to hurt her." I wish you could see me laughing right now at the thought of you thinking that. What's so great is it means you are really reading this closely! I don't want to lose you, Debbie. Please take a gander at some later chapters.
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Thanks, Jay. I will go right now to your profile and "follow" you so I get notified when more chapters arrive.
Debbie
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Ah-ha! You said "follow". Could you be a Twitter person. If you are we should follow each other there.
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Hey, Debbie, I made some of the changes you pointed out. I appreciated, so much, your suggestions. I also edited it with the advanced editor, so it has italics that weren't shown in the original. Thanks Again, Jay
Comment from Ben Colder
All I can say is good luck teaching English to some alien when half of the population on earth struggle with it. What a story. I think I'm hooked. Oops, that means interested. Shalom my friend.
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2014
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All I can say is good luck teaching English to some alien when half of the population on earth struggle with it. What a story. I think I'm hooked. Oops, that means interested. Shalom my friend.
Comment Written 06-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Ben. I'm happy you chose to read this chapter. If you have a chance to read others, I'd love it. God Bless!
Comment from Dean Kuch
I really enjoyed this story immensely, Jay! The idea is fresh and unique, even from a fantasy genre standpoint, and the plot, storyline and fleshing out of the characters extremely believable and interesting. Your gifted style and well-placed word choices really draws you in, immerses you in the story. That's always a good thing in my book.
If I had but one criticism, it's that I hate seeing a sentence which begins with the conjunction "but", and I caught it a couple of times. It's probably just me, or how your style and my own differ. I was always told to try and avoid using it to begin a sentence at all costs. However, I realize that it isn't always possible.
Other than that, the story and writing seemed very polished and well edited. I saw no SPAG issues at all.
I am really looking forward to see where you take us all with the next installment. Well done!
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2014
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I really enjoyed this story immensely, Jay! The idea is fresh and unique, even from a fantasy genre standpoint, and the plot, storyline and fleshing out of the characters extremely believable and interesting. Your gifted style and well-placed word choices really draws you in, immerses you in the story. That's always a good thing in my book.
If I had but one criticism, it's that I hate seeing a sentence which begins with the conjunction "but", and I caught it a couple of times. It's probably just me, or how your style and my own differ. I was always told to try and avoid using it to begin a sentence at all costs. However, I realize that it isn't always possible.
Other than that, the story and writing seemed very polished and well edited. I saw no SPAG issues at all.
I am really looking forward to see where you take us all with the next installment. Well done!
Comment Written 05-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 06-Apr-2014
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Dean, thank you so very much. I'm glad you pointed out the "but" thing. Sometimes it bothers me as well. I've heard the same thing about "and" Also, I've heard that after a semi-colon you shouldn't use "but" or "and". I will certainly look over my chapter with the "But" in mind. What I do, though, while it is posted is copy the constructive criticism and paste it in a folder for advanced editing later. I'm doing that with yours now. What I really want to thank you for is actually finishing the chapter. So many reviews could be written after reading the first sentence or two.
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I'll admit, Jay, sometimes when the writing seems a bit amatuerish, has TONS of mistakes, that's usually when I begin skimming, too. This was not the case with yours, however. It is very polished and reads very well. In addition, it was very interesting and engaging.
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Well, I'm thankful for readers like you.
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I could use a few more of them myself, lol!
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Hey, Dean, just to let you know I took care of a lot of those "but" problems. Also, I edited it under the Advanced Editor, which retained the italics that were missing in the original. Anyway, Thanks for your help.
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Hey, Dean, just to let you know I took care of a lot of those "but" problems. Also, I edited it under the Advanced Editor, which retained the italics that were missing in the original. Anyway, Thanks for your help.
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You are very welcome, Jay.
Comment from Chrisfiore
Hey Jay Squires,
Interesting tale and it has only just begun. That's good, I'm glad I caught it from the beginning. Your writing here; the character development and the setting, reminded me of Robert Heinlein for some reason. No small feat there. I look forward to reading more of the story. My best to you. ;) Chrisfiore
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2014
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Hey Jay Squires,
Interesting tale and it has only just begun. That's good, I'm glad I caught it from the beginning. Your writing here; the character development and the setting, reminded me of Robert Heinlein for some reason. No small feat there. I look forward to reading more of the story. My best to you. ;) Chrisfiore
Comment Written 05-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 05-Apr-2014
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Such kind words, Chris (is it Chris?) and your complimentary comparison with Robert Heinlein. I hope you continue to enjoy it.
Jay
Comment from JB Lynn
This is a very fascinating mystery you've begun. I love the way your two characters sort of play off one another. I think the part about the language and the way each of them are trying to learn about the other through their means of communication is a very clever way of revealing your characters to your readers. I will certainly be keeping a lookout for more of this story. I'm so glad I caught it at the beginning. Very clean and polished writing, as well. I can tell you've done a lot of work to edit this before posting. Thank you for sharing.
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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This is a very fascinating mystery you've begun. I love the way your two characters sort of play off one another. I think the part about the language and the way each of them are trying to learn about the other through their means of communication is a very clever way of revealing your characters to your readers. I will certainly be keeping a lookout for more of this story. I'm so glad I caught it at the beginning. Very clean and polished writing, as well. I can tell you've done a lot of work to edit this before posting. Thank you for sharing.
Comment Written 04-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 04-Apr-2014
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What kind thinks you said, JB. Though more of a fantasy than a mystery, genre-wise, it's quite a compliment if you found in it the tension that's in most mysteries. It will continue as it progresses, I promise you. Thanks for the rating.