The Trining
Viewing comments for Chapter 6 "THE POMNOTS"A man must discover his identity and destiny.
31 total reviews
Comment from Righteous Riter
The setting is revealed from the opening lines. Strong emotion early on. Clear dialogue between the characters. Good transition between the events. Nice, steady and intense pace leading to a conclusion that leaves Axtilla with no choice.
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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The setting is revealed from the opening lines. Strong emotion early on. Clear dialogue between the characters. Good transition between the events. Nice, steady and intense pace leading to a conclusion that leaves Axtilla with no choice.
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Thanks for reading this so closely. I appreciate it.
Comment from padumachitta
Hi..Okay, clever, well written, and well, fun in a strange sort of way...if baiting an eveil beastie is fun...but it made me laugh in among the worry of bad things...so that is good...what next and without brave and perhaps foolish people, how would we write...me, I would be out'a there...and eating chocolate ice cream somewhere long far away...
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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Hi..Okay, clever, well written, and well, fun in a strange sort of way...if baiting an eveil beastie is fun...but it made me laugh in among the worry of bad things...so that is good...what next and without brave and perhaps foolish people, how would we write...me, I would be out'a there...and eating chocolate ice cream somewhere long far away...
Comment Written 24-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 24-Apr-2014
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THank you, padumachitta, for stopping by and reading. Glad you enjoyed it. I think you'll find future chapters to your taste.
Comment from Selina Stambi
You end your chapters at the most wonderfully intriguing moments, Jay!
Really great storytelling here. There was less superfluous detail in this one, I think. Kept me riveted all the way - particularly when the Pomnot attacked.
Of course, he falls in love with her ... :)
Until next time,
Sonali :)
and off to the left of it(,) as far as I could see
heart and another the rear leg of the carcass(,) and lumbered into
She retu(r)ned an incongruous
Standing there, legs spread(,) I glared
"I'm sorry,(") she said, and then
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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You end your chapters at the most wonderfully intriguing moments, Jay!
Really great storytelling here. There was less superfluous detail in this one, I think. Kept me riveted all the way - particularly when the Pomnot attacked.
Of course, he falls in love with her ... :)
Until next time,
Sonali :)
and off to the left of it(,) as far as I could see
heart and another the rear leg of the carcass(,) and lumbered into
She retu(r)ned an incongruous
Standing there, legs spread(,) I glared
"I'm sorry,(") she said, and then
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Thank you, Sonali, as usual for your encouragement. Everyone liked the comedy relief of the Pomnot attack. I'll attend to these soon. Bless you!
You found my "Achilles heel" with the use of the comma. And, do you know it is hard to find a grammar/punctuation book that agrees with the others on where it's absolutely essential to place them. I'm a lot better than I used to be, though.
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I find that the Americans use far more commas than the Brits. I thought I had it pat all my life .. now Fanstory has messed me up!
Comment from Norbanus
This is an outstanding use of dialogue to drive the story forward and to bring the readers along to a point where we can accept that the easy protected times are over and the protagonist must move to the other side.
I noticed no opportunities for improvement.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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This is an outstanding use of dialogue to drive the story forward and to bring the readers along to a point where we can accept that the easy protected times are over and the protagonist must move to the other side.
I noticed no opportunities for improvement.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much, Norbanus for reading and leaving you excellent comments. "No opportunities for improvement." That's good, no? LOL, I hope you come back for the next chapter to post this weekend.
Comment from Connie P
Jay,
I've been away for quite a while, and was thrilled to find this chapter ready for review. As always your fertile imagination has spawned a winner. I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter. Didn't find any spag, but was mainly reading for content.
Connie
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Jay,
I've been away for quite a while, and was thrilled to find this chapter ready for review. As always your fertile imagination has spawned a winner. I thoroughly enjoyed the chapter. Didn't find any spag, but was mainly reading for content.
Connie
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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I'm so glad you stopped by to read the Pomnots chapter. It's getting a lot of positive buzz, but I personally think the next chapter will be even more popular. I hope you jump aboard and read it when it posts this weekend. And, thanks, again. OMG! I just noticed! 6 Stars!!!!!
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I'll be watching for the next post.
Comment from Patrick G Cox
Hi Jay Squires,
An interesting concept for a world within a world, or at least an underworld contained within a beast of some magnitude. The story reads well, the dialogues are good and the narration fills in the gaps.
Good work.
Patrick
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Hi Jay Squires,
An interesting concept for a world within a world, or at least an underworld contained within a beast of some magnitude. The story reads well, the dialogues are good and the narration fills in the gaps.
Good work.
Patrick
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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THank you, Patrick. I'm glad it resonates with you. I hope you come back and catch the rest of it.
Comment from Fridayauthor
Great writing, Jay. What an imagination! You have to be thinking at an entirely different level to come up with this stuff!
I have to study the dashes versus dot,dot,dot business. You use a lot of both!
Thanks for the posting.
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Great writing, Jay. What an imagination! You have to be thinking at an entirely different level to come up with this stuff!
I have to study the dashes versus dot,dot,dot business. You use a lot of both!
Thanks for the posting.
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Thank you for reading this. Yes, I know. I need to clean up a few places. I do tend to overdo them, particularly the doubledashes.
Comment from Writingfundimension
I don't know if you've ever read the works of Carlos Casteneda, but this is exactly the kind of 'lesson' that Don Juan would have forced on his pupil, Carlos. There are strong shamanic elements to this story, in my mind, Jay. And solid physics as well with the idea of overlapping dimensions. Of course Axtilla will have to make the hero's journey to the other side! Great writing, my friend. Warmest regards, Bev
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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I don't know if you've ever read the works of Carlos Casteneda, but this is exactly the kind of 'lesson' that Don Juan would have forced on his pupil, Carlos. There are strong shamanic elements to this story, in my mind, Jay. And solid physics as well with the idea of overlapping dimensions. Of course Axtilla will have to make the hero's journey to the other side! Great writing, my friend. Warmest regards, Bev
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Thank you so much for your incisive input, Bev. Yeah, anyone going to college in the 70s has heard of Casteneda. But, unless I am tapping into a kind of universal mind thing, I haven't read enough of him to account for anything. The closest thing I've had to do with physics is ExLax. I'm more familiar with the Joseph Campbell Hero's Journey. You got my wheels a turnin', though. Thanks again, Bev. You have no idea how you are appreciated.
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Very funny, Mister Squires. Ex-lax, indeed!
You're very welcome, Jay.
Warm regards, Bev
Comment from emrpoems
I don't usually like horror stories but his one drew me in
Good visuals
Held my interest throughout the piece and I will read the next chapter
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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I don't usually like horror stories but his one drew me in
Good visuals
Held my interest throughout the piece and I will read the next chapter
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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Not what I would call a horror story. Wait! You mean with the Pomnots? It will grow beyond that, friend. I guarantee you! Thanks for stopping by.
Comment from Sloegin
I'm impressed with the way you kept the scene alive. Your verbiage is good all through the chapter.
Your dialogue was believable, for the scene you set.
Well done.
sloegin
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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I'm impressed with the way you kept the scene alive. Your verbiage is good all through the chapter.
Your dialogue was believable, for the scene you set.
Well done.
sloegin
Comment Written 23-Apr-2014
reply by the author on 23-Apr-2014
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You are very kind, Sloegin. Thank you for reading this chapter and connecting with it. I hope you choose to continue on. We are taking it to weird places next time.